Wait.

Khong muon yeu, khong muon dau kho.

I have loved, lost, and learned.
So I wait and wait, for that one day when the right one will return.
I do not wish heartache or tears rather, simply a smile in return.

The attention I receive, I do not want anything further than that. I do not wish to fall in love with them, I do not wish to hurt them. Now is not the right time to be involved with such affairs. Friendship I will do, relationship I cannot.

Nghieng lai tinh yeu cho nguoi ta.

Fleeting feelings.

Sometimes you wait too long that things disappear and change. 

The more I get to know him, the more turn off I become. He does not possess the traits of the desired lover. He appears as a boy who needs to be sheltered and cared for rather than be able to protect and provide. 

As each day goes by, the deeper he goes into the friend zone. Why put me into a group chat if he does not talk to me and I end up talking to others? No more video chatting with me one on one. Basically, the chemistry is dying. Saying sorry whenever he thinks he fucked up, okay that's nice but that won't make me stop being upset. I don't tell him when I am bothered by something rather I just brush it off and not dwell on it because I don't want to make the same mistake of always being angry but the lack of attention is getting to me. Eh, he shouldn't get his hopes up for prom night or put too much effort into it because I will not accept his proposal. I don't want to be his girlfriend. I am not on 'reserve' for anyone. I come and go as I please, as a human being attached to no one. I sound like a bitch but it's better to not string anything along. After prom is over I will cut off contact since I do not want to make things awkward at the dance. Sigh.

Went out with Tommy for our sushi night. Daniel came along and they both got lost getting to my house heh and we got lost trying to find Haru's since he didn't go the way I usually do. You know how there's individual plates/bowls and then there's the big bowl for the main item that's in it? Well he took a piece of octopus and gave it to me. I thought it was pretty sweet and I can't tell if I should see that as anything special or if he's just the type of older brother/guardian type of friend? He was pretty nice and funny through the whole night. Wouldn't let me look at the bill and paid for my part which I felt bad on. When he dropped me off he was apologizing for being late since he got  lost, and not being able to hang out longer heh. How sweet. I don't think he likes me though? I can't really tell if he's just a really nice guy or if he has a slight crush on me? Eh, boys are weird.

Needed to get rid of storage on my camera so I posted up old photos and I have all these guys hoppin' on my ass asking if I'm back together with my ex. Haha, how funneh. Some are so quick about hooking up too. Heh, no thanks. There's only one guy I wanna bang but afterwards I'm leaving his broken heart but he actually wants a relationship. God I sound like a bitch who doesn't know what she wants haha. Anyways, apparently my parents heard gossip go down at the Asian Market about my ex and I and honestly I'm just like fuck it. Old news, what's new? Dad be throwing a bitch fit about me going out with Tommy and mother threatening me to not fall in love again. Sigh, you don't think after Corey I would be tuckered out? Bleh. 

  

Just another normal day.

Was so tired and sleepy during school today. Had a very, very difficult time staying awake even with cramming food into my system every so often. Gotta get fabric for my romper project and I wanna get it from Johanna's they have more variety than Hobby Lobby but I dunno where there is one and how I would get there. The wait for my hair is killing me! Gah, I want it now! Still gonna work on prom day, just gotta get home fast and early to get ready. Tommy's coming to pick me up around 7:00pm tomorrow night and then we'll head out. I wonder why he's traveling all the way from MO just to hang out and have sushi? Meh, maybe he doesn't wanna seem like a flaker? I doubt he likes me, I highly doubt anybody would be stupid enough to get emotionally attach to a person like me. I dunno about Jae either, it seems like the interest is slowly slipping away or the effort that was there in the beginning. Eh, it's okay. I haven't done anything so nothing is lost. It's better to know my place and not go beyond it. Why overestimate only to fall? Stay as friends with mutual interest, is it not better this way? I think so, the injury that might occur will not be as deep if things were to get serious. If I am to date someone again, I don't want to make the same mistakes. I want to go all out and love them without worries and hesitation so that if things do end, I won't have any regrets. I want to date to be together forever, not date only to get hurt in the end. 

What I've learned.

ST: There was distance, the difference of maturity, and moodiness. Both were tired of the absence of affection one could provide each other physically. 

AY: He lived in a world of fantasy, an idealist that could not perceive reality's harshness. It was difficult to socialize since  my parents were being difficult and my freedom was limited.

CK: Developed feelings were at different time. Both had been exposed to each other for too long. I was afraid of showing PDA since I believed it would be better off to distill concerns of our parents. 

JN: Still has the mentality of being cared for and protected but is sensitive to my emotions.

The other day Brandon started trying to talk to me again. When I was raising my hand out, he reached out and placed his next to mine and enclosed it, practically holding my hands and I was like wtf? He acted like a douche throughout the trip, treated me like leftover shit, and yelled at me whenever I tried joking. Picked up a new main Asian girl to hang around and dot on. I have no problem with that but if you're gonna try doing things to me on a friendly "friend's hangout date", get piss because nothing came out of it, then complain? Cool, I don't mind. Diss me overseas then come crawling back to be my friend and try things? Back off. The possibility of being close friends isn't even an option anymore. I don't hate you, but I will not tolerate any motives. 

Went to East's play today. My GPS kept going to sleep for some reason and I don't know why? So frustrating. When I arrived I noticed that Jae was crying, not sure what was up with him so I just let him cool off. Saw Mrs. Bush there and chatted for a moment, turns out he had her for 8th grade science! Mind over Matt was pretty hilarious, I was a bit confused at first in the beginning because I couldn't figure out that the other people were split personalities. Apparently he was waiting for me to make a move and hold his hand! Aha, I did think about it once or twice but his friends were there and I didn't wanna make a move with them there so I didn't. I tried to reach out and grab his hand but as my hand moved closer to his it started getting really weak and shaky so I pulled away heh. So embarrassed, not sure what happened that I just couldn't do it. I had a pretty nice time overall. 

Attraction.

More and more boys are jumping for an opportunity. They seldom know me yet they're immediately attracted. Is it for my appearance only? I see them only as good friends, I never thought of them as anything more. Old co-workers are hitting me up and confessing that they had a thing for me, former schoolmates would occasionally hit me up and compliment me, and then there's the people that just know of me and try to hit it up. I appreciate their flattery, comments, and affection but couldn't I get to know them as friends before moving forward? I admit, there are a few cuties but still. Hell, I don't even know if my heart is ready for such a commitment yet. I'm becoming so causal with sex that I'm just like can't we be friends with benefits instead of getting into a relationship? I sound like what I use to despise aha. Went out on for ice cream and chatted around with Ami, Uncle, and Jenny. Didn't come home until now so my assignments that are due today is pretty much fucked up. Gah, I don't wanna do shit. So tired of it all! Went to the mall by myself today and I'm so proud that I remembered the way! I mean, yes I did get lost for a while but I found my way out and somehow managed! Gah, I really need to know my streets better and learn how to drive on the highway. It's a time saver for sure! Well anyways, here's the dress that I almost got for prom! It's so elegant and looks a bit bridal-ish but it's so attractive! I'm thinking of coming back and getting it even though I'll probably end up wearing it for a photoshoot and stick it back in the corner of my closet. My prom dress is actually for once not black and white but a very bright and colorful one! Tomorrow is Olathe East's play with Jae. A bit upset with him since he won't spit it out. So shy and shizz yet he could poke fun of me like no other. When I went to get the permission slip today at his house and he wanted to give me a hug, I was like alright and didn't bother coming out since I was in a hurry and I noticed that when he leaned in and tried to hug me, groped my boob instead! I was like..did what I think happened..just happened!? Was it on accident or purpose? And I tried brushing it outta my mind since he didn't act weird and startled so he might've done it on accident without noticing but still!

Mother Nature.

Gah! Mother Nature, why you so cruel to us girls!? We have to go through the torture of leaky nipples, stretch marks, and periods! Isn't that enough? Yet you still make us have to be horny too. Wtf?!? Blarg. I get to be all about sex, sex, piss, piss, sad, piss, sex, piss, food, sleep for days. It's not like me! I'm not one to think of sex but damn, that's all that's been on my mind. Fucken ass. So piss off because of that. So cranky and piss at Jae too. Stupid. If I'm gonna fuck a hobo I might as well date him so I can have all the sex I want whenever I want! Whatever, fuck it. I want my sex! In an hour from now I'm probably gonna be crying for no reason. Damn, why the fuck am I so emotional with my periods nowadays? It's not normal. Well, enough about sex. Going to East's play on Thursday, kinda don't wanna go since I'm piss at Jae for no reason. The girls wanna go shopping for our dresses on Friday but I've got work and I'm already working on Saturday as well then heading out for my date with Tommy. And to top it off, make-up assignments. Ah fucken great.