19.

Yesterday was the big day. Slipped into a dress, powdered here and there for a bit and called it good. Classes went by smoothly until trig. Towards the end of class, I did something foolish. I asked the professor how she got from step 2 to 3. I understood the other steps but I was puzzled by the transaction from step 2 to step 3. What does she do? She becomes frustrated. Raises her voice and bulges her eyes. Stating that I had not paid attention at all, that I needed to go back to the previous sections, that she's spent too much time - excuse me(?). She publicly humiliated me and continued to bark questions at me, as if I were stupid. Yeah, it's my fault for being so sensitive. I should've been able to correctly answer the math questions she barked out one by one while holding back my tears. Fighting back the desire to grab my things and run out of the classroom. I didn't get the feeling of wanting to crawl into a hole and die. I had the urge to just bawl my eyes out. I had no words to express my sadness, just tears. Tears, tears, and more tears. Perhaps its due to my frustration of lack of understanding, or her attitude directed towards me. Just like everyone else, I respond better to a gentle touch than a rough one.

Later on in the day, went shopping with the boo then dinner at Drunken Fish. Happy ending to the night.

Had an odd dream. I had a discussion with Keo about the neutral setting on cars yesterday and in my dream, I had ran out of gas therefore switching from drive to neutral from what Keo told me. Surprised I remember something from reality in a fantasy world. Anywhos, moving onto a different scene. I was hanging and switching from tree branches and vines? Hailey came riding by on her bike and later on with her brother. Of course I hid amongst the branches because I didn't want to be seen or noticed. I took joy in peering through the leaves. Awkward, I sound like a stalker but hey they were in my territory! Or at least I think it was? Then somehow I ended up in the backseat with him. Him, in the middle seat and I by the window. He was on my left, wearing a light jacket. I wanted to get out of there. I didn't want any trouble or tension. He seemed friendly though? As if encouraging interactions. I was weary, confused as to what was going on. I started to become giddy, excited on the inside. I still rejected though, afraid that it's all a big facade. But then he disappeared and in front of me was Keo. He was upset and felt betrayed and wouldn't forgive me even though I hadn't done anything? I didn't accept his gentleness, nor did I act upon anything. I apologized and tried to make it up but he wouldn't have it. Most likely jealous because he sensed that inside I was somewhat excited/happy? Weird. Just recently I had thought to myself, gee I can't seem to remember any of my dreams lately nor have I had any dreams regarding him and then poof! This pops up.

"Be talented and quick in order to achieve success or have a pretty face and housewife skills to marry a substantial provider"

My addiction.

Everyone starts out just wanting to try it for kicks. Everyone else around me was doing it so why not try? It wouldn't hurt, I won't get addicted. It's all fun in games, I could quit whenever I wanted to - that's when I went astrayed. The beginning was just like any other addiction, slowly getting familiar to the taste but not too interested yet. Day by day, the more time I spent with you the better I got to know your composition - your nicotine. I fell deep into a shroud of your essence, inhaling everything of you and all of you. I became entwined in this affair, unable to escape. When I couldn't reach the same high I once achieved, I took it up a notch. Increased my dosage, and mixed in toxic substances - arguments, insecurity, and jealousy. I became someone else.
I wanted to be happy but it seemed as though I was addicted to things that hurt me. Maybe I was drawn to the instability, the angry debates and the yearning in between before finally making up. I was fucked up.
 I was in the midst of love, a passionate love - then all of a sudden it's cut off and it feels like I was falling from the sky. I became delirious. My source of oxygen was cut and I was grasping for air, a life line. My line of drug has been cut, but the addiction was still there. As time went by, I went into a relapse.
It took me a long time but I became better. I don't seek for the feeling the drug gave by seeking other drugs. Instead I remained abstinent. Learning about life and its' other wonders and that's when I fell in love with life and myself. That is when I learned. There are times when I look back upon the past. I see your face, hear our laughs and promises as tears roll down my face. Why did I tear up, why am I drawn to this piece from the past? I don't know. Perhaps because it contains all the hope I had and now it's gone.
My addiction is gone. There are times when I would be tempted but of course I resist. The dealer doesn't want to deal with me and the drug's effect would not be the same as it was before. You were my addiction, and I was the addict.
That's okay with me.

Slow day.

Slow day at work. Missing tools AGAIN for the sixth time.

So Much Pretty

Linh Lam

Sam Bell

Honors COMP I

17 October 2014

Neglecting Crimes Committed upon Women

Crimes upon women often go unreported year after year. It goes unreported because the victim is scoffed at by society or is belittled for allowing assaults to happen to them.  One of the many themes in Cara Hoffman’s So Much Pretty is abduction, rape, and sexual assaults which is overlooked and avoided to evade tension. In reality the crimes upon women are still happening but reports and news are squandered because nobody wants to confront the violence that is happening around them.

            Assaults upon women are not seen as assaults rather the behavior is merely an act of fascination and dedication of a man towards a woman or as the saying goes: boys will be boys. The male’s behavior is justified in the logic that his testosterone levels are in overdrive and it is an act of admiration which would the girl should be flattered. The act of bridal kidnapping or marriage by abduction is a custom where the groom-to-be and the groomsmen kidnap the bride-to-be either in the middle of the night or in broad day light where she is isolated. At times, the girl is subjected to rape so that she becomes damaged goods and will not return to her family (Christian Today). Often the victim is forced to marry their rapist to save her family’s face in the Hmong community and settle thing with a false happy ending. Dino and the police force did not want to pester and poke around to investigate because they believed it would “[terrorize] the town” even more (Hoffman 211). In both scenarios, the adults do not want to cause a bigger scene, rather they want to cover up the issue and hide the fact that a crime has been committed to ease tension. Beverly Haytes did not want to assume that her boys had anything to do with Wendy. Beverly belittled Wendy’s status with remarks that White’s appearance is “bland” and that she came from “those soft famlilies [who did not have] many expectations (Hoffman 141). In the Star Tribune, the 12 year old girl who had gotten gang raped came home limping and her relative noticed, instead of being concerned and being involved the relative labeled the girl as “a little slut” (3). Society has a warped mind, pinning the fault and guilt upon the victim while setting the violators free. Hmong girls who experience rape or molestation regularly keep mum about their defilement. The ones who do go to a trusted adult often get shun with replies such as “that's just what girls go through” since it happened to the adult(s) back then as well (Star 4). Women are objectified as sexual objects without rights or intellect and it is men who “make the decision based on laws men made” (Hoffman 225). Throughout history and to this day, women are still oppressed and submissive to men. Little girls cannot voice their violations, because the women who they look to are chained by men as well.

            There are cowardly men who feed off of power over individuals, specifically women. The community does not reach out to the victims; instead they either ignore or play down the assault which forces the ladies to live in darkness. Year after year, girls get harassed but do not report it because of fear that the community would judge them and because they were distraught by men. The authority consist of men and the few women who are on the in the same force are actually under oppression by the men in power.   

Sources

LOUWAGIE, PAM, and DAN BROWNING. "Shamed into Silence."StarTribune.com: News, Weather, Sports from Minneapolis, St. Paul and Minnesota. Star Tribune, n.d. Web. 23 Oct. 2014.

LODGE, CAREY. "Bride Kidnapping: A Horrific Reality for Thousands of Girls."Christian Today. N.p., n.d. Web. 23 Oct. 2014.

Hoffman, Cara. So Much Pretty: A Novel. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2011. Print.

One day off.

On my one day off, I received an early phone call regarding an interview. Got up, got all primped up and ready. Came in did the interview, came back later in the day to take a drug test and fill out some paper work as well. Returned the kid's late book and their late fees as well. Did a little shopping, came back in time to pick the kids up. Took Andi to her Mathematics Regional Competition and Alex to Kenpo practice. Finished up my interview and picked the kids up. Allowed them to play around on the play ground then got their face painted later on that night when we went to go visit the boyfriend. Went for a second round of Chipotle later on that night with Mama and Ami. Didn't have much time in the day to do any laundry or tidy up. Sigh.

Today was an alright day. Met up with counselor, such a sweet woman. Discussed what actions I should take with trig. Still unsure what to do. Met with a financial aid as well and she only told me information but no help on what actions I should take. 

Got a notification that he was at school which threw me off. He doesn't go there, I didn't see him any other times so why would he be there? My heart kept racing and my knees were weak. Why I was I being like this? Why was I afraid to see him? I belonged here, I go to school here. I am my own self. It took me a while to reason and calm myself down. Then it was whatevs. By chance when I went back to student center at the end of the day to talk to the FA person we crossed paths. It seemed like he stumbled a bit at first and hid behind the other person..? I'm not sure why he would do that. I saved the trouble and tension for both of us and took another path to avoid eye contact. I've noticed, that when I go soft and forgiving - I am insecure and sensitive. It's only when I replace my fear, my insecurity with anger that I become confident. Weird huh? 

Struggling on.

More and more pressure. This really fucken blows. I have no social life, I hardly even have time to spend one evening for a date with my boyfriend so what the hell. Trying my hardest to not fall behind in classes and struggle to understand and engage in trig all the while going to work and family matters amongst other things. You want me to work more? Fine, I will but guess what it's getting cold and the amount of traffic is dying down. I'll work outside of nails and work as a serve and not spend any time at home. I won't take the kids to Kenpo anymore or to their school activities, not have time to clean and be at home. I'll always be out working and focusing on my classes. God, I am never good enough for you people. I'm imperfect, I'm too "nice" and "obedient". That's suppose to be a good trait! But apparently it's not because it leads me to get stepped on by everyone and considered slow and dumb. Fucken great.