Things I've learned.

It's been forever since I lasted updated. I've grown a lot and I'm grateful.

I understand why some girls get sucked into the whole bad boy image and how difficult it can be to get away from that scene. He knows how to use the right words, compliments and teases without coming off as a total creep. It's like an escape but deep down you know that there is no real connection. Your conversations are dry but he's a total cutie with honey words. You can't help but indulge a bit. When reality hits, it's like a roller coaster coming to a complete jolt. Stinks but you accept it quickly minus the motion sickness which fades with time and other rides.

I've been tested with false friendships. I truly thought her and I were getting closer. I guess she heard things about me or what not. If she can't bring herself to trust me or to trust herself to make her own judgement, I'm fine with that. I don't want a repeat of friendship drama like with Megan. Even if I really did like that person and thought we were besties - clearly they didn't. Their lost. I found that I was just a tool, that's cool. I won't act up or show that I'm hurt. I move on. I learn my lesson.

All in all, everything connects together and makes sense. Growing up, the moral of the story is to not care essentially. Focus on yourself even if there is another person you treasure. Never let yourself think you know a person because when they do something that shocks and offends you - it'll feel worse. If someone does something that bothers you, brush it off - focus on yourself. Don't give them the power to hurt you. I'm not talking about actually getting hurt and bottling it while distracting yourself but legitimately not be concern about others besides yourself. They may be in your story for now but in a short time they'll be gone like farts.

Nowadays, I'm more into honing my makeup skills along with working out. Truth be told, I'm too busy to be concerned with others. Gotta take care of bills and paperwork, graduating(with two degrees hollah), applying for another program while finishing up my current. Working out with dance classes, kickboxing, and yoga. If someone is blind to take me for granted, I'll just keep improving myself.

Mot la thu tu trai tim.

Em khong muon ke ne gi, dang nhe em buon de am tam trong bung nhung co viec nay ma lam em that buon va mat hy vong trong anh.

Anh la nguoi muon chia tay, anh la nguoi tan nat trai tim em. Anh muon mot quoc song khac, ma khong co em nhung sao anh cu tiep xuc voi em? Cu loi lai qua khu, lam em su nghi lai den toi hong hao. Hom nay anh noi ngot ngao, mong nho den ngay xua cua hai chung ta. Mai, anh lang lung khong tiep dai em.

Em that ko hieu. Anh gian, anh ghen, anh buon tai vi em nhung chung ta dau co qua lai nua dau nen khong co ly do de anh gian, ghen, hay buon. Em muon quan ai thi em quen. Anh khong co quyen noi vao. Bo anh quen anh la nguoi bo em? Em trao cho anh mot tinh yeu thanh that, nghi la mot ngay hai chung ta se nam chan goi chung nhung anh da de nhat mong cua em. Anh khong yeu em voi trai tim chan that.

Anh khong hieu cho em, khong nghi den tinh cam cua em. Khong nho den may dem em le loi luc khong co anh.

Moi dem em khoc, em buon, em u sau ve anh. Anh da lua roi tinh cam cua em, lam em tin tuong la anh se mai mai yeu va ben canh em gio anh la nguoi di noi xau em dang sau lung.

Gio em khong muon su nghi ve anh nua. Anh la qua khu. Neu anh van muon lam ban be thi anh can truong thanh truoc, dung co nong lanh voi em. Em xin anh, trai tim em yeu lam. Em khong muon dau, khong muon buon.

Neu anh muon quay lai, anh la nguoi ma phai tay doi khong phai la em. Anh la nguoi bo cuoc, da xem tinh cua minh la do re rach, re tien nen anh nhan tam quang di. Em yeu anh suoi dam, cung voi ca het trai tim nhung anh khong hieu. Em chi muon tot cho anh nhung anh nghi em hung du. Anh co biet dau biet may luc minh muon giup nguoi tan nhung bi tat vao mat khong? Chac chua.

Thoi. Anh dung co noi anh nho may van con yeu em. Neu anh co the noi sau em voi may co gai khac,  lanh lung thi anh khong con yeu em dau - anh chi co don tai vi khong co em ben canh suoi am va tuy cuoi nhu ngay xua. Khong co ai giup do hay lo lanh lung anh buon hay ve khuya. Dung goi em luc anh cam tay co don, tai vi luc em co don anh dang o dau?

2 in 1 Post Break-Up.

Had a very off putting dream last night. I can't remember it all except for the vivid parts that contained a lot of emotions. Somehow I had an attachment with Corey. It was as if I still felt possession over him, as if we were together or had just broken up. I got extremely jealous, finding out that he had someone else from an online writing. It was either SH or JL and damn did I get violent. Choking, bloody faces, cuts, and bruises all because of jealousy over the chance of a budding relationship. I don't know what this dream was foreshadowing nor do I care much for it lol. Been so busy and don't see any significance in understanding it atm.
Another part was in an isolated, foreign land with Mikeo again. I think it's because lately the memory of us walking in Nha Trang with fireworks keeps popping into my mind randomly. I don't know why it's that memory and why it's been coming up. We were with Uncle Pedro and something with cliffs and yellow leaves and trees. I thought about FT for the last time since we were together but he was distant and I brushed it off. There was a painful emotion but I just kind of ignored it. I remember him walking away in front of me in a red/pink sweater.
There was a scene where there were unwanted puppies as well. I befriended this little black brown pug. Usually I don't like pugs but I was drawn to him and just kind of took him in. There was something wrong with him but I still found myself gravitating towards him. Something in him just made me feel less sad.

I don't understand these dreams nor the reason for having it but I figured I'd write it down before I forget. Perhaps I'll have enough time to dissect it later on. I feel like it's trying to tell me something that I've been turning a blind eye to, perhaps underlying emotions since the break up. I don't want to think about it though.

Paralyzed with fear and emptiness.

I thought I'd be more unstable but I guess I've matured/learned. There's some sort of chemical that overcomes me. It has a numbing, bee sting sensation from head to toes/fingers. It has a similar feeling to when I start thinking about death - paralyzed with fear. The feelings I feel from time to time, a sense of boredom and sadness. I think it may be a relapse of mild depression I tend to have. 

I don't know if I'm in the denial stage or what. I just know that I'll have moments where I'll be doing a  customer and randomly tears would start flowing down while I'd be scrubbing their feet. My very last customer today, we had a short chat and it really helped opening up to her. She told me about her similar situation with her husband 6 months ago. I don't know what action I'd do but it was nice knowing that everything will work out eventually in different or similar ways. In the end, she gave me a hug and told me to hang in there - everything will be ok. I needed that physical comfort. 

Whirlwind of buzzing emotions.

So it finally happened. I had been thinking about us lately as well, wondering what direction we were headed in. I never thought you were ahead of me. I thought about it, but there was always a part of me that didn't want to give you up even though it seemed like we were in a rut. I wasn't ready that's for sure. Perhaps it'll do good for the both of us. There's this numbing, twisted knot in my stomach. I can't tell if it's my emotions or the alcohol haha. I think I did better coping this time around. I was rash and didn't cry too much nor have any irrational thoughts. The drinks definitely calmed down my nerves for a bit. I'm still unable to sleep though. Hopefully I can make it to work tomorrow. I have a lot on my mind but I'm unsure how to dissect it.

Be-trade Dream.

I had a better unnerving dream last night. There was a part where I was at some sort of event/play. I was getting changed behind the scenes and somehow there was an immediate danger - something about a gunman on the loose. There was chaos and fear. Fast forward, there was a huge, bare tree where his cousin and family were living - like the one in Shrek's swamp. Later on I dreamt that I was in my bed, under my pink covers sleeping. I turn over to the side, expecting to cuddle my rilakkuma but turned out to be a person. I expected it to be him. Opening my eyes it was his bail out buddy. Turns out he was there to "fill-in" for my partner. Turns out the fuck boy and him switch places - taking his place behind bars and in return fuck boy would "take care" of my partner's family and matters. I was pretty pissed at both. I ended up punching him in the face as soon as those words slipped his mouth while in my bed. Angry that he did that, sacrificing himself over and over again for people he shouldn't along with our future. Angry that the fuck boy just let him do that, always weaseling and taking advantage of him. That leech with his twisted words. He can never separate himself from those people, never and that angers me - frustrates me. And the fact that he gets upset about it towards me drives me further away as well. I don't know what's up with my subconscious. So many dreams lately involving his cousin and him. There's this unsettling emotion that won't rest in my gut. A cloud of sorrow looms over me constantly.
Not only is my subconscious playing games with me but I'm having a moment of difficult with reality as well. We don't spend much time together anymore nor do we conversate like back then. He's more social now which is fine except the fact that he's not with me anymore. Everything seems like there's a "use to" or "anymore" attached to it. We hardly hang out, when we do - are we actually connecting with each other? Laughing WITH each other, gardening new, precious memories? It's so tiring, this emotion over and over again. I keep pushing it away, locking it up deep inside but time and time again it creeps back up like sewage.
The absence of physical presence and feeling of being desired/missed, the knowledge of association that can't be severed, the social activity distributed to others all just knock me down. Takes my breath. Tight throat, somber mindset, with goosebumps I lay motionless. Twisting and turning in agony, fighting to oppress the feelings that overcome and thoughts that seep into my mind like slime.