Had 4 hours of sleep. Went into work at 9:00am and nobody was awake when I left for work. I was dead tired when I got up and I actually called in to see if they still wanted me to come in because I was crossing my fingers for them to say no and that it's dead but to my fortune they needed me. The whole day was steady and happy hour stayed busy nonstop during the first half. I was upset but I pushed away the emotions and put on my happiest smile. Talked with a loud, friendly voice and jumped up and down with lots of energy. I wanted to work nonstop, without time to stop and think so that when everything was over I'd be too tired to be sad. I don't understand why I'm acting this way when it really won't do anything and I'm only hurting myself in the process. His feelings and emotions are nonexistent. I'd rather be angry than sad but in the end, I just want to be happy. When others bring him up, it doesn't help. It's just prying open my wound and drenching it in alcohol while his is allowed to close and scab over. He doesn't care, he doesn't know what my thoughts are or what I feel because he doesn't want to associate with me nor does he read these anymore. All these thoughts and words about him are a waste of space because it's unknown and uncared for. Why can't I go a day without memories, thoughts, or emotions concerning him? I hate it and I love it but I have to learn to live with it. I'm a shadow casted upon the brick wall that no one acknowledges. I don't want to drink the pain away, I don't want to drink, I don't want to feel pain. He's off being happy, doing whatever. He doesn't realize anything concerning me because he hates me. It's okay. I'll learn to hate him too, in time. I'm just a ghost yearning for the past's love that's already forgotten me.
Sometimes I have those thoughts of when I want to get hurt. A car accident, anything. I want to get injured enough to wind up in a hospital, just to see if anyone would come to make sure I'm okay. To see if anyone would actually come, sit at the edge of my bed, cry, and tell me everything. I want to hear everything they've ever thought of me, how they really feel, if they're sorry for anything. I just want to know the truth. And I want to know who truly cares about me.
