Movin' out and beyond.

Bitch, nag, bitch, nag. That's all I fucken hear nowadays. Can't concentrate on studies nor can I kick back and breath. Expecting "compensation" for all the years they've raised me. Wtf? Wanting me to wait on her hand and foot because she's on her "death bed" which is a total lie. It's just strep and I don't wanna catch that shit. Always stating that she has some mysterious illness and I just say she's exaggerating. If you can yell and bitch, you have enough life; maybe a bit too much. I'm a busy girl. I have advance classes and I work my ass off! I actually want a future of my own and I'm not gonna sacrifice it for anyone else, whether it be for a guy or family. I don't give a fuck. It's gonna be me working at McDonalds all my life if I give in, not her or Andi and Alex. I'm not gonna marry some rich old pedophile and have him pay bridal dowry to you and raise your status in society. Fuck no. I'm the one who will have to be intimate, care, and live with that person. Not you. I'd rather live alone unloved or marry someone I choose and love. Me. Not anyone else for whatever factors they like. Honestly, right now I don't want to love anyone nor be given that chance. I'm tired of all the bullshit I've been through and my circumstances aren't the best for a relationship. Since the situation has come out to this, I need to get a better job and if possible more hours. Stop spending so much shit on my appearance, pigging out, and focus. I'm moving out of here after my 18th birthday. Transferring all education information and restrictions to my name so they can't do shit. I don't know how I'm going to succeed in life but also get all the money to meet the requirements of the present. Enough money for rent, groceries, and utilities for the present. Damn. How am I going to finance my tuition abroad?! Not only this upcoming trip but the one next year for Kurashiki and studying abroad after graduation. I don't know if I should even go back during my freshman year anymore. Maybe I should continue to save up and go back sometime between my sophmore and junior year? That's it. I'm gonna try to spend less than $300 in Japan which is a total lie but whatever. I don't have anybody to lean on emotionally, physically, mentally, or financially. It fucken sucks. I'm all alone. Others have their family to turn to or friends while I'm running away from family and I've never been that close with friends or their family to ask anything from them. I always thought when I move out it be with someone I love but it seems unlikely now. Hell, I don't even wanna move in with Ami and Dudley anymore. I don't wanna move in with any couples. Tired of love's presence, tired of this routine of anger, tired of all this bullshit. Just wanna move in with someone I trust and reliable so I can do whatever I want, whenever I want without worries or concerns.

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Work was fun as hell. I was serious as fuck during happy hour though, got mah game face on aha! I be making dough today. Customers are getting pretty petty though. Everybody is paying with their cards and if they do pay with cash it would be with exact change or want their 2 cents back. I wished I worked at a franchise instead. They get paid minimum wage plus tips! Damn. What the fuck. All the Sonics around the area is under corporation. Fucken bah. Shitty and fucken dumb. I'm about to switch to a McDonalds girl! Actually no, I don't wanna work in the food area. I wanna be in the retail, less hours but more money! Just gotta manipulate people for their money, something that makes me cringe because I feel so guilty. Pisses me off when boys be callin' me up asking me to spend the night with them. It's like, what do you take me for? I ain't no dumb bitch. Then giving me their number and telling me to text them. It's like, no. First, you stalk me at work then you tell me to hit you up and spend the night? That's not a turn on! And if I could spend the night I would've spent it long ago with someone I deeply loved, not a stranger. You know what's irritating? When he pops into your mind or memories come slipping in. It's like wtf, where'd you come from?! Then reality settles in after that split second and you're like ah fuck that shit. It's all over and done with. The love he once had for you is gone and his heart is with another girl. Don't think about the happy moments, instead think of the times when you were crying and hurt. But, with me I prefer not to think about the happy moments or about the sad times and mope. Fuck that shit. I'd rather get piss and cuss for a few minuets and push it out of my mind because he's probably pushing me out of his head whenever someone brings me up and says shit. I'd rather focus on the negative and get my hopes up only to get disappointed later on. Dropped off Dion's card that he left at my house yesterday, and when I reached Subway apparently his coworker and him were talking about me. Wtf? Such an ahjumma ahaha. Always making fun of me and picking fights. Shopped around for some lip balm because I think my cherry one fell out of my car at work and now I can't find it. So upset, it was my favorite and it was still new! So upset, crossing my fingers that I'll find it tomorrow when I come back to check my schedule! Had a couple Indian teenage girls around my age staring at me for a while, I was like whatever I don't care. I know I look good! Even after a 7 hour shift aha. But when I went to the make-up aisle to buy more lip calm one of them walked up to me and hesitated for a while but then complimented me on my hair! She was like "I know this is out of nowhere but I really love the purple in your hair!" and I was like gah, thank you thank you! She kept complimenting me even after smelling like sour milk and looking like shit after work, it meant a lot and it came from a total stranger! :)

It's only been what, 4 days? Yet my hair is already fading to an ash brown.