On days like these, I tend to dress up and apply make up with care. Why? To hide myself. People tend to think I'm about to go out for a special event but truth is, it helps hide my emotions. A thin layer over swirling, unsettling feelings. Why let it show? I don't need pity, I don't need their judgemental glances. I don't need to let those who hate me see me fall. Make up is my mask.
Lately I've been having second guesses. Not because of the events but because on your reactions. Yes, I have been upset and irritated by the connections related to John and the two hood rats. I figured if I try to ignore it and look the other way I could keep things under control. So far it was going well. I occupied myself with other people and was able to work on a few things. Mostly just ignored. Until today, your reaction set me off. You really have changed. I am the type to go into my shell, to hold things in and avoid but you letting me go really shows what's occurred. I realize that you don't try as hard anymore. You've got the girl but you're not doing the things you did in the beginning to get the girl. You may have gotten the girl but that doesn't mean you can stop doing what you did in the beginning. She's still the girl everyone wants, I'm still the girl guys are pinning for. I don't have to be your girl anymore if you're not going to work to maintain me. I have difficulty opening up, so I'll always retreat to my shell with things I don't know how to explain or convey. You use to push me, push forward and show that you care even if it wasn't successful. The calls, the texts, the frustration showed you cared. I appreciated that, I opened up when I had the courage to after being pushed so much. Now, you can go days without much communication, that doesn't bother you. You're glad to have the space to yourself. You don't want to put the effort in. My silence receives eye rolls and you recuperate with more silence. Flames with more flames, it'll consume my heart and I will give up.
You don't want to bother with school work because it's unimportant to you. You weren't like this before. I thought you changed for the better, became a person who was focused on the future. Who cared about their assignments and workload even if it was disliked.
Your lack of reactions your commitment to others, your disinterest in schoolwork. The times you lash out in front of me. All this causes me to reevaluate my choice in picking you and why I'm wasting my time with a stranger - because I don't know you anymore.
