Things I've learned.

It's been forever since I lasted updated. I've grown a lot and I'm grateful.

I understand why some girls get sucked into the whole bad boy image and how difficult it can be to get away from that scene. He knows how to use the right words, compliments and teases without coming off as a total creep. It's like an escape but deep down you know that there is no real connection. Your conversations are dry but he's a total cutie with honey words. You can't help but indulge a bit. When reality hits, it's like a roller coaster coming to a complete jolt. Stinks but you accept it quickly minus the motion sickness which fades with time and other rides.

I've been tested with false friendships. I truly thought her and I were getting closer. I guess she heard things about me or what not. If she can't bring herself to trust me or to trust herself to make her own judgement, I'm fine with that. I don't want a repeat of friendship drama like with Megan. Even if I really did like that person and thought we were besties - clearly they didn't. Their lost. I found that I was just a tool, that's cool. I won't act up or show that I'm hurt. I move on. I learn my lesson.

All in all, everything connects together and makes sense. Growing up, the moral of the story is to not care essentially. Focus on yourself even if there is another person you treasure. Never let yourself think you know a person because when they do something that shocks and offends you - it'll feel worse. If someone does something that bothers you, brush it off - focus on yourself. Don't give them the power to hurt you. I'm not talking about actually getting hurt and bottling it while distracting yourself but legitimately not be concern about others besides yourself. They may be in your story for now but in a short time they'll be gone like farts.

Nowadays, I'm more into honing my makeup skills along with working out. Truth be told, I'm too busy to be concerned with others. Gotta take care of bills and paperwork, graduating(with two degrees hollah), applying for another program while finishing up my current. Working out with dance classes, kickboxing, and yoga. If someone is blind to take me for granted, I'll just keep improving myself.

Mot la thu tu trai tim.

Em khong muon ke ne gi, dang nhe em buon de am tam trong bung nhung co viec nay ma lam em that buon va mat hy vong trong anh.

Anh la nguoi muon chia tay, anh la nguoi tan nat trai tim em. Anh muon mot quoc song khac, ma khong co em nhung sao anh cu tiep xuc voi em? Cu loi lai qua khu, lam em su nghi lai den toi hong hao. Hom nay anh noi ngot ngao, mong nho den ngay xua cua hai chung ta. Mai, anh lang lung khong tiep dai em.

Em that ko hieu. Anh gian, anh ghen, anh buon tai vi em nhung chung ta dau co qua lai nua dau nen khong co ly do de anh gian, ghen, hay buon. Em muon quan ai thi em quen. Anh khong co quyen noi vao. Bo anh quen anh la nguoi bo em? Em trao cho anh mot tinh yeu thanh that, nghi la mot ngay hai chung ta se nam chan goi chung nhung anh da de nhat mong cua em. Anh khong yeu em voi trai tim chan that.

Anh khong hieu cho em, khong nghi den tinh cam cua em. Khong nho den may dem em le loi luc khong co anh.

Moi dem em khoc, em buon, em u sau ve anh. Anh da lua roi tinh cam cua em, lam em tin tuong la anh se mai mai yeu va ben canh em gio anh la nguoi di noi xau em dang sau lung.

Gio em khong muon su nghi ve anh nua. Anh la qua khu. Neu anh van muon lam ban be thi anh can truong thanh truoc, dung co nong lanh voi em. Em xin anh, trai tim em yeu lam. Em khong muon dau, khong muon buon.

Neu anh muon quay lai, anh la nguoi ma phai tay doi khong phai la em. Anh la nguoi bo cuoc, da xem tinh cua minh la do re rach, re tien nen anh nhan tam quang di. Em yeu anh suoi dam, cung voi ca het trai tim nhung anh khong hieu. Em chi muon tot cho anh nhung anh nghi em hung du. Anh co biet dau biet may luc minh muon giup nguoi tan nhung bi tat vao mat khong? Chac chua.

Thoi. Anh dung co noi anh nho may van con yeu em. Neu anh co the noi sau em voi may co gai khac,  lanh lung thi anh khong con yeu em dau - anh chi co don tai vi khong co em ben canh suoi am va tuy cuoi nhu ngay xua. Khong co ai giup do hay lo lanh lung anh buon hay ve khuya. Dung goi em luc anh cam tay co don, tai vi luc em co don anh dang o dau?

2 in 1 Post Break-Up.

Had a very off putting dream last night. I can't remember it all except for the vivid parts that contained a lot of emotions. Somehow I had an attachment with Corey. It was as if I still felt possession over him, as if we were together or had just broken up. I got extremely jealous, finding out that he had someone else from an online writing. It was either SH or JL and damn did I get violent. Choking, bloody faces, cuts, and bruises all because of jealousy over the chance of a budding relationship. I don't know what this dream was foreshadowing nor do I care much for it lol. Been so busy and don't see any significance in understanding it atm.
Another part was in an isolated, foreign land with Mikeo again. I think it's because lately the memory of us walking in Nha Trang with fireworks keeps popping into my mind randomly. I don't know why it's that memory and why it's been coming up. We were with Uncle Pedro and something with cliffs and yellow leaves and trees. I thought about FT for the last time since we were together but he was distant and I brushed it off. There was a painful emotion but I just kind of ignored it. I remember him walking away in front of me in a red/pink sweater.
There was a scene where there were unwanted puppies as well. I befriended this little black brown pug. Usually I don't like pugs but I was drawn to him and just kind of took him in. There was something wrong with him but I still found myself gravitating towards him. Something in him just made me feel less sad.

I don't understand these dreams nor the reason for having it but I figured I'd write it down before I forget. Perhaps I'll have enough time to dissect it later on. I feel like it's trying to tell me something that I've been turning a blind eye to, perhaps underlying emotions since the break up. I don't want to think about it though.

Paralyzed with fear and emptiness.

I thought I'd be more unstable but I guess I've matured/learned. There's some sort of chemical that overcomes me. It has a numbing, bee sting sensation from head to toes/fingers. It has a similar feeling to when I start thinking about death - paralyzed with fear. The feelings I feel from time to time, a sense of boredom and sadness. I think it may be a relapse of mild depression I tend to have. 

I don't know if I'm in the denial stage or what. I just know that I'll have moments where I'll be doing a  customer and randomly tears would start flowing down while I'd be scrubbing their feet. My very last customer today, we had a short chat and it really helped opening up to her. She told me about her similar situation with her husband 6 months ago. I don't know what action I'd do but it was nice knowing that everything will work out eventually in different or similar ways. In the end, she gave me a hug and told me to hang in there - everything will be ok. I needed that physical comfort. 

Whirlwind of buzzing emotions.

So it finally happened. I had been thinking about us lately as well, wondering what direction we were headed in. I never thought you were ahead of me. I thought about it, but there was always a part of me that didn't want to give you up even though it seemed like we were in a rut. I wasn't ready that's for sure. Perhaps it'll do good for the both of us. There's this numbing, twisted knot in my stomach. I can't tell if it's my emotions or the alcohol haha. I think I did better coping this time around. I was rash and didn't cry too much nor have any irrational thoughts. The drinks definitely calmed down my nerves for a bit. I'm still unable to sleep though. Hopefully I can make it to work tomorrow. I have a lot on my mind but I'm unsure how to dissect it.

Be-trade Dream.

I had a better unnerving dream last night. There was a part where I was at some sort of event/play. I was getting changed behind the scenes and somehow there was an immediate danger - something about a gunman on the loose. There was chaos and fear. Fast forward, there was a huge, bare tree where his cousin and family were living - like the one in Shrek's swamp. Later on I dreamt that I was in my bed, under my pink covers sleeping. I turn over to the side, expecting to cuddle my rilakkuma but turned out to be a person. I expected it to be him. Opening my eyes it was his bail out buddy. Turns out he was there to "fill-in" for my partner. Turns out the fuck boy and him switch places - taking his place behind bars and in return fuck boy would "take care" of my partner's family and matters. I was pretty pissed at both. I ended up punching him in the face as soon as those words slipped his mouth while in my bed. Angry that he did that, sacrificing himself over and over again for people he shouldn't along with our future. Angry that the fuck boy just let him do that, always weaseling and taking advantage of him. That leech with his twisted words. He can never separate himself from those people, never and that angers me - frustrates me. And the fact that he gets upset about it towards me drives me further away as well. I don't know what's up with my subconscious. So many dreams lately involving his cousin and him. There's this unsettling emotion that won't rest in my gut. A cloud of sorrow looms over me constantly.
Not only is my subconscious playing games with me but I'm having a moment of difficult with reality as well. We don't spend much time together anymore nor do we conversate like back then. He's more social now which is fine except the fact that he's not with me anymore. Everything seems like there's a "use to" or "anymore" attached to it. We hardly hang out, when we do - are we actually connecting with each other? Laughing WITH each other, gardening new, precious memories? It's so tiring, this emotion over and over again. I keep pushing it away, locking it up deep inside but time and time again it creeps back up like sewage.
The absence of physical presence and feeling of being desired/missed, the knowledge of association that can't be severed, the social activity distributed to others all just knock me down. Takes my breath. Tight throat, somber mindset, with goosebumps I lay motionless. Twisting and turning in agony, fighting to oppress the feelings that overcome and thoughts that seep into my mind like slime.

Current life status.

Attended my first Sunday class today. It was pretty intense. There was more males than females this time around versus my other classes. It was super crazy. There were so many push - ups, endless stairs, squats, cardio, and much more. My face was so red and sweaty within' the first 10 minutes because of the intensity. All the guys were pretty big and definitely lifted and I was this little scrawny chick haha. I can still feel the soreness in my legs and thighs. Immediately went to work right after too so more bending afterwards was a real delight. The life guard that held the door for me as I left was a real cutie though teehee.
I bought two additions to my growing herb family. Bought a chocolate mint and yerba buena. I'm a bit disappointed that I don't know the exact subspecies YB is since yerba buena is just a name for a group of aromatic spearmint. It has a mintier smell to it than my julep and round, smooth leaves. The stems do not get as dark purple or hard as the julep. I would love to get my hands on apple mint or even try pineapple mint. I'm so into gardening and this whole facade of mint. I wish I knew we were growing mint before since our backyard was basically all mint instead of grass lol. Dad kept saying it was basil so I never bothered with it. My current mission is to obtain curly mint. I heard they're really fragrant along with undertones of sweetness to it. I made a concoction of chocolate mint, julep mint, and YB + 1/6 of lime juice infused water. It really does taste a lot like that V8 infused cucumber, lemon, mint water I bought at Walgreens. Taste like canh chua but it really does detox the intestines. I just wish it detox'ed my face. I'm not sure why my face is starting to get a few dark spots and blemishes when I'm hardly ever outside. Maybe they're little mosquito bites or whatever when I'm asleep or not paying attention lol.
Currently debating on taking the kids to another class tomorrow morning since I'll be skipping an hour of work - arriving late. Seems like it'll be another intense workout class. It'll be good for me to work out again but damn my legs are tired and I'm just thinking of money right now lol.

Life's been pretty okay. I work everyday from open to close. When I'm try and there's time I take the kids to workout lessons to tone up. I haven't really had any time to connect with any friends or him. It kinda feels like we're in a lifeless relationship. We don't talk about anything except manual things if asked. Doesn't seem like either one of us misses each other. If we were to separate it wouldn't interrupt our daily life it appears. If I feel up to texting him to see what he's up to, I'll get a response but that's pretty much it. No deep conversation or connection. It pretty much dies until he mentions later on that he's ready for bed - call, then he falls asleep. No talk of our day or anything. I'm not bothered much by it anymore. Just see it as a pity - shame. That's the whole point of being in a relationship isn't it? To BE desired, to feel missed, love, to connect and grow together. I feel none. It's pretty platonic. Sometimes I'm unsure if it's just a stage where both parties grow comfortable and start finding themselves again or if it's a sign that we're not meant to be. There's also a saying that with love, it's normal for the spark to die - it's up to both sides to constantly keep choosing that person and keep recalling in love with each other. There's so many arguments from others and I just never know which theory is correct and which to follow.

Post Finals.

So, I got a B for my final math grade. Super siked! Gah, I worked hard for that B lol. Archery, I'm disappointed in because I never missed any classes PLUS I hit bullseye during my warm up rounds but I didn't score those shots since I was greedy and thought I could do better. Got tired and my shots ended up getting worse. Sigh. Oh well, it's fine. The rest of my grades I got A's so I'm pretty happy with that. Just want to get the rest of my GPA up and somehow choose a few dates to go shadow.

Only thing that's got me down is how the other night, some asshole broke into my car and stole the 6ft apple charger Keo got me, and my iPhone 6s box. Too bad I took out my phone ass wipes. My new charger and earbuds were still intact and in the box though - damn. Pissed off about that. I don't get why they didn't just take the whole box but bothered in throwing out the covers that are in the box? Fucken dipshits. Hope they get bit by a tick with Lyme.

Been going to more group classes and it's pretty fun. Went to my first Yoga lesson on Monday and the instructor was super sweet! It was really relaxing and I felt like I could keep up pretty well being new and all. Attended a dance class this evening and it was a bit confusing since I walked in 10 minutes late(left work late) but I got the hang of it after a while. Only thing I never got was when he was doing some walk with having the left cross the front? I noticed that I was tense and my movements were not as fluid as desired compared to in yoga . I'm very movement awkward lol. I did sweat a whole lot more than in yoga though. Can't wait to attend another class!

Another dream.

Came to my humanities class, a bit freaked out because I couldn't match the instrumental I remembered with the titles but turns out I didn't have to come! The total amount of points out of the semester was 600 but I had over 662 so he owned me points haha. That's with me forgetting to turn in the extra credit essay over "Hana-Bi" as well even though I had done it and it was in my backpack. A lot of stress lifted from my chest but I'm still scared about math. I seem to be coping better with stress and being able to remember what I've learned at least with indefinite and definite integrals. Just worried about related rates, optimization and a few others which will definitely be on the final. I wonder how many problems are on there?

Had the oddest dream last night, not sure if it's because I was talking about the topic with a friend before I went to bed. In the beginning of my dream it was horrible. There were these 3 fallen angels dressed in black leather material who were chasing down my family and I, for some reason wanting to destroy us. I had a hard time convincing my family to leave asap til it was almost too late - fire falling upon our heels (most likely because my friend told me about Lot's Wife). We crossed bodies of water, reaching a destination of an isolated house upon a hill sort of thing. The house was small but very nicely supplied and decorated. There were two levels and the square feet was probably about the size of half my house(living room + dining room). Everything was tidy and worked fine as if somebody had been living there. I closed all the blinds of the windows(really big windows, the wall was basically all window) but kept it a crack so that we could look out but the angels wouldn't be able to look in. It was really scary. I kept trying to wake up - and which I did in a fright and fell back asleep with some trouble.

The second dream I had concerned him again, probably because I had been talking about former friends and connections. It was in an open mall sort of area, kind of like Market 1 in Mong Cai. I bumped into his little sister and she asked if I wanted to be his friend again which I admitted and she said she would somehow help? She ended up making a coloring/drawing booklet with quotes and I guess she left it in sight so that he would see it. He got upset/angry at first, demanding who did it. His sister admitted she did. Then somehow he soften up, flipping through the booklet consisting of notebook paper stapled together and colored with markers(front page was mostly yellow, reds and pinks outlining the outside). I just stood there, tensed up and fearful of rejection and backlash for my friendly desire. I guess she wrote something in there that sparked something in his mind because without me saying anything he appeared normal again like he did back then. We walked for a bit and he offered to teach me Laos/Thai - something I had to beg for during our relationship. We both laughed at my failed pronunciation, it was fun and I enjoyed it. There was no feeling or thought of romanticism just happiness with the connection and reunion of an old friend.

I wonder why I am the only one who feels this way? Somewhere deep in me there's a sense of guilt as well, that perhaps I was not nice or open enough. Is it because I really had done something wrong or am I just too soft that I tend to place the blame upon myself? Do I just naturally have a soft spot for my first? I don't know.

Finals.

So I'm pretty much stressing out and can't recall any of the math I've learned even though I've done so  well compared to last semester. I legit cannot even or odd right now. Perhaps it's just my anxiety keeping me from calming down and focusing so I'm just gonna take a little break. Breath, and let my emotions and thoughts flow - hopefully that let some steam and anxiety out of my system.

Already took my history final and only studied for it after work on Sunday haha. Spent a portion writing up my very last extra credit essay as well. Went to bed after 3AM and got back up at 7AM to get ready. I remembered a lot of the material but I'm just fearful I didn't do the chronology section correctly. In the essay sections, I'm pretty sure I covered a good chunk of America's prosperity but the second essay I'm a little nervous. I feel like I mention the key points and figures but I wasn't able to fully elaborate and explain their significance. I was also the last person to finish with only 10 minutes till the cut off time.

Got my math and humanities finals tomorrow bright and early as usual. Been so focused on my math but I'm sure I will do well on my humanities since my grade is already really high and the topic doesn't scare me too much except for sonatas. He only has 600 points for the whole semester yet I already have 662 points since the last test(he still has to input extra credit + worksheets from then). So I'm not worried. I'll probably just glance over the questions before going in.

The other night I had a pretty pleasant dream. I was happy with my current partner and all but nothing intimate. I can't remember it clearly anymore but my ex contacted me and basically said that we needed to talk. I was confused but it was whatever to me. I was still getting mixed signals but he was a whole lot more friendly in body language and aura than compared to our post break up. He never directly spoke to me in person but his eyes showed sincerity and his body language was more soft. There was no romantic connection or thought at all but inside I was really happy. Relieved that someone who had been so significant in my life before was coming back into it but in a different aspect. I was going to have my friend again. It was nice. Now, I'm sure that won't happen at least not for a long time if ever although I'd like to think it will someday. I've tried to mend the relationship and be friends again but there's just some sort of resentment he holds against me which is fine I suppose.

Back to studying now, break over haha. Wish me luck!

Em so.

Co luc minh buon tay vi minh cam tay nguoi kia ko quan tam, ko chu y du.
Anh ta ko lo lang cho minh nhu luc lo lang cho ban. Minh luc nao cung cam tay minh chi la nguoi dung sep hang. So mot la gia dinh, den ban be, va cuoi cung la minh.
Em so tinh cua hai chung minh sap phai tan. Anh khong con nhin em voi anh mat thuong yeu. Anh mat ko co ti tinh cam ngay xua anh da trao cho em.
Em so minh da chon sai. Em so anh va em ko the song hanh phuc.
Em luc nao cung so minh ko du. So anh ko con yeu em, so em phien qua.
Luc nao cung lo so va buon su.

Semester Overview.

This semester hasn't been what I expected at all. I've made many new friends, most of them being guys for some reason. It turns out I'm left eye dominate so I end up having to share the only left handed compress bow with another guy. Made a lot of buddies in archery class. My history professor dotes on me but is extra difficult since he expects more. My math professor is proud of my progress as well. I don't feel as overwhelmed as I did before and making new friends really uplifted my spirits and dependency. 

I had my heart on going into radiology at PV but once I visited the campus I was hesitant. They were taking away the affiliate program so that the program's tuition would be 3x more expensive. The campus is not regarded as safe after 5:00PM either so that made me more worried along with the commute. Now my eyes are set on the programs that are already offered on campus. I'm finishing up my AS this semester, tackling my degree in biotech, and hopefully I will be admitted into the NDT program. Super anxious of what the future holds for me! Trying to bring my GPA to the highest it can be along with taking more health related courses. My current grades are As along with high Bs in the 88-89% so I'm just pushing real hard to get those straight As!

I've been more adventurous in my make up as well. Doing full face along with bold eyes and statement lips. It's been super fun experimenting.

Unexpected news.

Unsure what this meant. A few nights prior I had dreamt of my former partner and my current one. This time, my current one's appearance was exactly like that of my former except for a few minor differences. His race was different from what it is. In it, I traveled to multiple locations. At one of them, I met my ex and my current in the same room. My ex tried to reconcile but I wasn't having it and instead went to the arms of my current to show that I am happy - too bad that didn't last very long. My current initiated us going to the restroom together, I guess for some sexy time? Too bad I didn't get that. Instead he went there to piss and accidentally sprayed me. I was livid and he saw no harm because "hey, it's just piss" and it was an accident.

I'm not sure what this dream meant when I woke up but after having some days to reflect I think I can decrypt my subconscious's message. I have been deeply attached to my former flame but now I've placed everything upon my current - hoping for the same instead I get disappointed and feel as though I get disrespected after letting go and choosing him - hence the piss.

Last night's involved me taking a HPT which came out positive, with those two clear red lines. Crap. In a state of shock, I kept telling myself that it must be a mistake. I was scared, worried. My first thought was whether to confide in my partner - I quickly concluded I couldn't, I mustn't. There was a strong feeling of denial in giving him that information. I did not want to bother with him, that he could not do anything whether it was in a form of moral support or finances. The feeling of hopelessness and loneliness surrounded me, that I was on my own. There was a tiny fragment of resentment as well since he's been absent lately.

This was easier to decipher. We lack communication and trust, trust that he'll be there in times of dire.  I am on my own with issues that were created by both of us, I bear the brute(possibly my feelings of attachment and anger). But this also reminded me, I need to take a HPT.

I am unhappy.

I'm not okay. These past few days I've been extremely unhappy. I've been trying to sort out my emotions but it never seems to end with peace. The torment of loneliness, resentment, and anger seems to just subsided and resurface when my thoughts start wandering.
Getting out there and socializing with others is nice but it's not what I need or desire. I don't want general attention; it's not boredom I suffer from. I am angry, hurt. There's a resentment harboring - growing in my heart each day.

I feel unappreciated (because) I put effort in to showing my affection through physical touches and attempts of communication yet it seems as though he does not reciprocate. We have had these kind of talks many times but it never seems to change. I'm not sure why but this issue really strikes me at this moment. Possibly because I am not informed of decisions or thoughts, a disaffirming sign and often his choices clash with mine but then again it's his life not mine. Lately, we do not communicate very much and I try to give him the benefit of the doubt because he may be exhausted from work or with family matters but it seems as though that's not always the case. In a trial to see his response and lessen my independence on him, I am not surprised by what I experienced. He appears happier with this new profound sense of freedom - in which I do not talk as much nor do I ask questions or initiate conversations. I do not touch upon any areas or forms that may be a sign of affection, something I use to do and enjoy seeing his response/reaction. I do not initiate any social events so that he is free to spend it however he likes without a feeling of obligation(if I ask to hang out). When he does want to communicate it seems like it's for his benefit - to lend an ear so that he can ponder aloud to himself or escape his current situation. All these things are turning into resentment. The fact that he does not notice the difference in my behavior, that he does not realize my absences/distance or misses me - rather he is more jolly, does not inform me of his choices, and uses me as an escape route.

Perhaps, it is my fault for placing so much significance and importance in him that I expect so much in return. I am trying to deal with it by slowly disconnecting myself - so that I am not so bothered by his behavior and concerns. I socialize with friends, use exercising as a form of distraction, let my energy flow from my tips onto the canvas, but it still breaks me down. His absence, his ignorance. It kills me inside. I have silent nights where I just let the feelings flow out of my tear ducts but it does not clear my heart of agony. Only when am I driving with a variety of vibrations pulsing through me, letting my vision blur with sounds that are unrecognizable as words escape my larynx. Repeat, letting my anguish flow and form into shrieks and bawls until my voice is rasp and my eyes bloodshot. Once I reach my destination, I clean up. Wiping away those streaks, applying eyedrops to lubricate and freshen my weary eyes and clearing my throat - I walk up to the door and ring the doorbell with no sign of sadness or distress that was present only a few seconds ago to present myself to a group of people for Easter.

Affluent Society Quiz Answers

1. During Nixon's address, instead of emphasizing on aspects such as "freedom of expression or different forms of government" he focused on the "extraordinarily high standards of living in the United States." Nixon linked American freedom to American consumerism by expressing the prosperity US reaps with capitalism and freedom of market, and so forth. People are able to produce and sell, harvesting their handwork at the end instead of having fortune and wealth be restricted and strictly regulated. With the freedom Americans have, they are able to lead a higher standard of lifestyle and more happiness in essence with so many items and services often deemed for the well-off. The consumer did not only have access to those things but also a variety of choices. Nixon's concept of American freedom focused economic abundance and consumer choices within' a traditional family setting.

2.  The suburbs fulfilled the dream of home ownership, with the home often becoming a "center of freedom." Those who had middle class wages were able to move out and obtain the traditional American dream but doing so also cut off others. People in poverty and immigrants were left in the city. The move to suburbs promoted Americanization, resulting in a cut off form urban-ethnic communities and anyone else who were not like them. Immigrants and non-whites did not have the same economical advantage as whites with jobs but in other stances as well. Government and housing retail would make it difficult for non-whites to purchase a home - fearful that it would drive their non-whites away and decrease the value of the neighborhood/homes. Federal agencies would insure mortgages that barred resale of houses to non-whites except in segregated enclaves.

3.  The Southern Manifesto was edition repudiating the Supreme Court's decision in Brown v. Board of Education; it supported the South's resistance to desegregation. It called out the Supreme's Court violation of act since the Constitution and all previous amendments do not include education so the Supreme Court was interpreting the Constitution in a grey area. The authors of Southern Manifesto would define freedom as having the right to conserve and practice their habits, tradition, and lifestyle as they please and direct their children's lives and education as they will - do as they please in what is deemed natural in their current environment. Their definition is freedom to do as they will even if it meant their right impeded on others' rights - "all is equal, some are just more equal than others." Rosa Parks and MLK's definition of freedom meant equality for all not just for a certain group of people. Parks and MLK wanted an equal and brighter future for those who have been oppressed but not by oppressive and bringing others down. They wanted equality, harmony, and prosperity for all.

Lack of unity.

Sometimes I miss his mom, or rather the relationship I had with her. Being invited to family events or just being able to pop in and join last minute. It was a very warm feeling. Having her brush my hair, hug me, and so forth. It was comforting - knowing that I was accepted and family. No awkwardness or tension just tenderness. Everyone accepted me, the cousins made jokes, aunties and uncles would praise how he got such a beaut, and the fact that he never left me side so I never felt lonely or isolated. It was a nice reassurance. One thing that really stuck out was hearing from a third party how he was worried and jealous, his mom comforted him but at the same time stood up for me even though I wasn't present and said that she doesn't believe something like that would ever happen because I'm not that kind of person. That really made me admire her more and have a softer spot for their relationship as well. I miss that, not him but the feeling of being accepted and comfortable among my partner's family.

I don't know why I've been having these conflicting, unsettling emotions. I'm trying hard to be independent, be calm, be cool - unbothered and unaffected by those's actions around me because I have no control nor should I be concerned. I do have certain feelings, emotions towards choices but I hold them in and try to disregard it with other tasks. I have this lump in my throat and a knot in the pit of my belly, I can't seem to be able to disassemble it so I sit and let it marinate until I've run out of oxygen and emotions till a relapse occurs.

What I'm basically doing is untying myself from my partner. In the past I was distant because feelings were not as passionate, but then opinions of how I am not loving and invested convinced me to tie and wrap myself to a person without realizing the consequences and possible self harm it may bring. Unrequited love, unrequited affection, yeah it hurts but what hurts more is the process of reverting that because you still want to maintain a connection while severing it as well - like a rope. You must cut away at it to thin it out but not so much that it strains and snaps. Each cut is like a severe to your heart's fibers. Those who read this will not understand it unless they're emotionally sensitive or experienced it prior. Like a game of tug-a-war but you can't bear to let go or have the other person let go. Your hands burn, your feet is tired, but you don't want to let go, you're not ready for it to end.

I don't want an ass.

Couldn't work out today, can't tomorrow, and closed on Sunday so.. I am sad and slightly upset. 

It was a way to distract myself while working on myself. So much for it. Then again, I have a lot of preparation and essays coming up soon. 

I've never really been into the whole fitness or exercise scene but I found my motivation for when I actually get into it. What really clicked in my head was when we were in an argument about efforts. He had stated things about wishing me to be more feminine and giving which was whatever because I  could see how he may feel insecure in those areas since I have a very strong and bold personality. What really hit home was how he got angry because I did not try to work out to get a nice ass. I have no ass, never had an ass in my entire life from birth to present. Never cared for an ass and don't want one. My body is the same as it was before entering this relationship. I'm not overweight, my weight does fluctuate between certain periods where I will get a bit pudgy with a rounder face than usual but my clothes still fit the same and I bounce back to my slim face within' a few weeks. Him getting so angry about my lack of effort in achieving an ass and his desire to modify my body angers me. I am healthy and skinny yet he wants to change my body to his ideal. I don't want an ass. The reason I started working out as a way of spite, I work out to slim my stomach area, gain strength, and tone my triceps/biceps. I repeat, I don't want an ass. If you were attracted to me before when I had no ass, I see no reason to change and get an ass unless I personally desire. 

Sometimes I get frustrated, jealous that it seems that I'm not as close to you as you are to me. I'm not your best friend, but you are mine. You have friends who you socialize and interact with but you're all I have. I'm not upset that I have no one but rather the fact that you have others who are not me. Selfish, yes. That's another reason for me choosing to get active - as a way to focus on myself. I have others who I can kill time with but you tend to get jealous of them, my female counterparts are not as available to connect with and the connection is just not as strong and natural. I have the heart of a woman but the brain of a man, girls just don't understand my interests and sense of humor. 

I could sit and go on with how much you mean to me, how I yearn and love you, but you do not understand my forms of affection and my words are nothing just candy drops to your ears. You are not able to fully comprehend my feelings towards you. My love for you seems like a form of desperateness, clinginess. Instead of feeling touch by me missing you, you push me to be independent and do my own thing yet when I go too far and become occupied with matters you become upset, enraged that I am ignoring you. I don't understand the standards of having a soft vs hard/strong heart in which it will make everything ok. 

All these are my insecurities. Afraid of not being up to par in your heart, fearful of losing you, angry that you do not accept nor reciprocate the same amount of love/affection, distressed that you do not appreciate my current appearance. Perhaps this is why I've been having so many distraught dreams these past few days concerning you, because in each of them you do something that wrenches my soul and overflows my mind with concerns yet you are unaware in all of them - unaware of my grief, and the anguish you bring upon me.

Hurtful dreams.

I'm not sure what's up with me but lately for 4-6 days within' a row I keep having dreams of my boyfriend but not in a positive light. In each of them he is cheating on me but not in a sexual act and I keep catching him red handed and he shrugs it off seeing it as a minor thing while I see it as a violation, major red flag for his behavior. I don't believe he would cheat nor ignore my confrontation about it unless it was that one time cough cough. He does not connect on that level but rather mentally and emotionally so I can see why it played out that way in my dreams. It's just odd by I keep having those reoccurring dreams unless it's some kind of foreshadowing or it's my own subconscious insecurity which is another thing I could understand. Some of the things he said in the recent past really hit home so I'm working on it - for myself. These dreams were the first real ones that focused solely on him rather than having two male leads and he looked just like himself instead of having someone else's characteristics. 

Then bam out of nowhere I have a dream of my ex. It was unlike the ones in the past where we rekindled or I was mixed up with my intimacy. This one, I had no intention or thought of possibly reconciling instead I felt anxious, nervous, with a mix of inferiority. There were other parts in the dream of battling against aliens and being hunted and so forth. Somehow it led to his house, his mom was throwing some kind of surprise party for him and there was a whole lot of people. The house looks very similar to how it did after getting remodeled except they tore some more walls down like between his sister and his room. His mom was a tad awkward but she welcomed me with her usual warm self. I ran around, feeling scared and nervous at the same time - feeling the tug of wanting to leave so I wouldn't upset him when he saw me. Finally he came home with a group of male friends such as Christian and so forth. He wore a long grey sleeve shirt with a few ribs. His hair was short, dark brown kinda of like this but a bit shorter. He was surprised at first but then collected, his face had a bit of irritation with a smugness to it like "I hate you but I'm going to be polite and an ass." I can't remember if he reached his hand out first or if it was me. It was a short, loose handshake avoiding as much skin contact as possible. Small talk. "Nice seeing you again, how're you doing now" sort of thing. I told him I was doing nails now and he had this cold, smug face with a soft scoff - saying something along the lines of "That's all you've accomplished? I would think you'd made something more of your low self compared to what other immigrant families have done." It was a real slap in the face. Here I was trying to be sincere and polite, and he says that kind of thing. It left me a bit dumbstruck, how cold and arrogant he still was after all this time - why he was still so angry when I am genuine. I admit, I was real hurt. I just walked off, trying to compose myself. I'm not sure what this dream is suppose to mean but it sure hurt - not because of seeing his face again or his cold behavior but more of the words about my progress. Oh well, it's whatever.

I really wish back then when he hurt me, I had use that pain and anger to fuel my education instead of being broken and spacing out during lectures. I also wish I had use that anger to work on my body and self image, it would've sped up the healing process a whole lot faster. I was already pretty slim due to my lack of appetite but combine with exercise I really would've had a rocking' body with abs. Working out now is cool too, I haven't hit any adrenaline but it's a nice feeling because I don't feel as heavy and lazy. I finally realize how stinky working out can be. Whew, I was sitting down finishing up homework after hitting the gym and I caught a whiff of something and god it stank. Then I realized it was me, I never knew I could smell like this! I didn't sweat that much and when I do I usually don't smell that horrid ugh but hey it's a sign of my hard work I guess haha. Now if only I could curb my appetite because it has increased a lot since I started exercising. 

Heading to school after working out for 1.5 hours

Returned and worked out for for another 2.5 hours.

Cycle of a dying love.

Sometimes I'm not sure what's going on.
Gradually, I feel my love for him growing- beating inside my chest, fluttering with happiness and warmth but then the next day it gets killed by the cold. I try to communicate, to show my affection and appreciation but he suddenly becomes occupied. Taking 3 hours for a single response then 2 hours later another response. That really kills the mood when I've waited all day for him to get off to talk, when I've sent over a dozen snaps while he was away so he would have something to laugh at when he got off, when I try to be loving and it's met with a 3 hour delay of a short bland text. It really sucks. It's not the first time nor will it be the last. It seems as though it be best if I just stop being caring but that always results in a conflict. What to do?
He said in the past he'll try not to be closed off and be more affectionate and tending. I try to be understanding as well when he comes home tired and wants to sleep early or does things with others but where is my time? It's starting to feel as though I'm not even in a relationship anymore, no connection/communication, no growth. It's stagnating, declining, dying.
It sucks when you waste your days waiting for someone, hoping for quality time only to be left alone without notice. When you have all this love and attention for someone special only for it to be neglected and decay. Each time my love blooms a bit, I squeal in excitement - eager to show him only  to be dishearten each time. My flower dies before I could reach him because there's a cold wind that nips my love to death and when he glances upon the dried, wilted plant and my distress he is puzzled and annoyed by what appears to be an overdramatized emotion and minor death. Over and over, my progress is undermined, overlooked, and reverted. It's tiring and I feel like killing the plant instead of tending to it - because each time it will die, my heart will ache, and he will not care. It's an endless cycle.

Grapes of Wrath Analysis

Linh Lam 

Dr. Leiker 

History 141 

28 February 2016 

With the new era of technology, farmers were forced off their land and sharecropping came to an end. Subsistence lifestyles came to an end. Without assistance or concern, people turned to the only thing they knew which was to move westward for labor wages. The people were cheated, cornered into unbearable living conditions, and constrained to a life of heartache and hell. 

Capitalism corrupted the hearts of people. Automobile salesmen would base the price on the demand, how much the buyer had, and how desperate the buyer was. Auto parts would be inflated like crazy because the salesmen knew the people were determined to move westward, because they have nothing left there and even if they stayed they could not find jobs and their resources were dwindling each day. The salespeople were not only rude and inflated prices on the people but they lied as well. During this time, one could go and steal an auto part, be called a thief and arrested yet a salesman, who lies and charges sky rocket prices on faulty machinery, would not be considered a cheat instead that would be called “sound business”(Steinbeck 163). Being forced to move, with little to no finance security is already difficult but selling everything the people owned for practically nothing to buy outrageously priced auto parts that were already on the verge of their life span was utterly frustrating. People knew they were being swindled but they could not do anything because there wasn’t anybody to go and beat up. All the blame and guilt was pushed onto an imaginary monster called banks and companies. People could not go after an individual to release their anger, concerns, or plead.  

Families moved west as instructed with the promise of a better life only to be met with more drawbacks. Orchard owners and plantation owners had sent out a surplus of flyers for workers which resulted in a surplus of people competing for the same job. Wages were $0.15 an hour and often times it got so competitive that men ended up working all day just for a bit of sugar and a cup of flour. Some men would try to labor on a small patch of land on the edge of a property that was unused – going to waste, just something to feed his family and keep their hunger at bay. When deputies and others scouted out one, they would rip, kick, destroying whatever progress the man had accomplished in front of him, crushing his dreams and hopes of his family be able to go to bed with their bellies full instead of the usual hunger pangs. Other times when crops are not able to be harvest in time, they are burned to the ground as hungry people watch.  

If it appears that any organizing is taking place amongst the poor, authorities will snatch up the leader and throw them in jail. Other tactics to keep organization to a minimum is forcing people out of their camps and burning down Hoovervilles - forcing people to leave and breaking the people apart. Other times, people within’ a community will seek out troublemakers and exile them before they stir up trouble for the rest.  

  

Capitalism was seen as the fruit of hard work and ambition by the rich. The rich are righteous. They legally obtained their property and assets but the poor are lazy, incompetent of achieving anything minor of success. Whoever has the ambition and resources to become rich is fortunate, those who don’t – well that just sucks for them. The wealthy do not see or often times do not care about the struggles of others. To the working poor capitalism was the wicked ogre that kept their families deprived of the basic necessities of life. Capitalism reflected humanity’s vileness and greed. 

Being a red or communist was seen as radical by the wealthy – fearful of any threats to their assets. In all honesty, communism was not something to be scared of. Communism was going back to the basic stage of humanity. When the Joad family first reached California they had stayed at a Hooverville. All the families were the same; they had nothing and just wanted a chance to redeem themselves as men – breadwinners, to provide for their wives and children. Being a communist did not mean they wanted to take away other person’s fortune rather they wanted to be the same chance for a better life. When Ma shared what was left of the stew with the hungry children of Hooverville; that was a form of communism. The Joad did not have much but they still shared what they had with others; feeling the guilt and empathy for having something someone else lacked – a basic human trait that is killed by greed. When Rosasharn lost her baby, instead of keeping to herself she extended a relationship to a complete stranger – sharing her breastmilk to the dying father. Many would feel sorrow and pity; most would not have given that amount of intimacy even to a dying person. Communism provided what humans lacked, the emotion and mindset as a whole and tending to one another as a person would if one of his body parts was injured or broken. 

Even as citizens of America, the people did not have basic human rights the Constitution promised. Families could not protect one another as members passed away, like flies on a hot summer day. They did not have the freedom of the wealthy; they did not have the freedom Liberty symbolized with her torch. The people were slaves to corporations and enterprises. They were not free in reality. The people were made into slaves with little to no choices and if they made any sign of dissatisfaction they would be killed and labeled as a vagabond or thrown in jail. It was simple; work until you die, die of starvation, or be killed. Floyd called out the contractor on his way of hiring - not stating how much they would get paid, how many men needed, and how he would not present his contractor’s license. He had gotten screwed over too many times by the contractors and business owners with the dirt cheap wages. The so called contractor become enraged and called up a deputy to give Floyd trouble, accusing him of breaking into a used car parking lot. People in power created trusts and connections to gain even more advantages over the working poor.  

Calling out big businesses’ deceits and demanding for opportunities to a better life is met with blacklists and deaths yet being dwindled and cheated by the very people who are supposed to be serving the public is perfectly normal and is strictly enforced. That kind of society is warped and suicidal. People are either physically exhausted or psychologically deteriorated to the point that they become animals and end up dead, shot by the local authorities as if they’re putting down a wild beast. As businesses become bolder and people remain quiet, more individuals will become wild with anger, injustice swirling inside – demanding to be unleased upon those who have wronged and condemned them. The wealthy will continue to put the poor’s sweat and blood into their pockets as more people die. Steinbeck is opening up others people’s stories of injustice – to let others know that they are not alone. If they remain separate they will get picked off like jackrabbits but if they stand united as one, their voice and appeals shall be heard and given. Reform will

occur and inequality will not continue to live in the Land of The Free.