Trust.

Had a dream that was just terribly wrong. First off, I saw him and kimchi, second off, they were star gazing, third, they were on my front lawn making out. No, no, no! It made me so upset that I marched right on out after my sister and mom told me to remain calm and be civil, and dug my nails into the side of her face and just clawed it. Then they sat there in shock or horror and I walked away with so much anger. I was sobbing uncontrollably and a small pang in my chest but nothing compared to the past. Then I was in a classroom setting and I had this guy who kept hitting on me and somewhere down the dream, he ended up marrying this girl even though he had stated he wanted to be with me so badly. Apparently he said the same thing to the girl next to me. It reminded me so much of this music video. Not sure why it popped up in my dream all of a sudden? How very odd. Turned in my application to JCCC today and it practically took the whole day. Chilled for a bit before taking my online quizzes. I'll study the test for English, government, and Japanese tomorrow. I was a bit disappointed when he said he wasn't worried about others hitting on me or getting stolen away and then I realized it's because he trusts me and in the end it made me pretty happy to see how much faith he has in me. ^^

Limited synapses.

When I try to recall memories or facts about the past on command, just sitting here trying to remember, nothing comes? Why? Yet when I'm out and about and someone mentions something vague or I see something, something just clicks in my mind and a certain memory will come rushing back. Weird, huh? In 5 years, would they still come back or will they completely vanish? Did I really forget them or did I suppress them to such an extent that it's locked far way in the back that can only be triggered by pieces of the past? The brain is truly an exceptional construction of neurons.

Puzzles.

Sometimes you just get that empty, distance feelings. You wonder if the connection's dying, if it's just slipping away. You try to keep your cool, you try to keep holding, you just keep holding onto hope. I don't wanna make the same mistakes. I don't wanna push him away, I wanna let him know how much he means to me without suffocating him. Just wanting the best for us, don't wanna hurt him, don't wanna stress or make him shed tears. I wanna be his realest homie, his home girl who he can lean on and turn to at the end of the day with a smile.

I had a really important, reflective dream the other night but I can't quiet put my finger on it. It had two vital male roles and I was sandwiched in the middle. Put on full make up coverage and it didn't feel sticky like how it does with my other make up. Not sure why this is the only product that works for me? There's a Japanese reunion at Sensei's house next month for those who went on the trip to Japan and obviously the brat's going to be there. Been pondering about confrontation and just simply being civil. I always choose the route of being civil but I always have this question in the back of my mind. Maybe I just seek closure, maybe I just seek a chance to justify myself, or maybe I'm just hurt by what I thought was friendship. Oh boy, there will always be questions on why what happened, happened but you can only keep moving forward and accept that people come and go. You can only treasure those with us today. Mama wants me to go back to Vietnam this lunar new year but I really don't want to. I should wait until I'm at least 21 years of age or until my eyes have stayed the same degree for three years. Going back now would only mean missed classes and result in a lower chance of a 5 on my exams for college credit. She nagged about our how grandparents are getting older and how sick they are which I understand but going back and getting into heated tension and spending time where I don't want to be with only make everything awkward and tense. I have no friends and I cannot stand my cousins and aunts, or just Vietnamese people in general. I'm not going to get raped or be stupid and bring boys over. I've travel to a foreign country millions of miles away alone before and I didn't die or get raped. I can handle myself.

More and more.

Overslept and woke up at 7:40 today. Still made it to class 5 minutes before the bell. Can I get a booyah? Slacked off in ceramics today and just chatted and snacked. Retook my quiz in College Algebra and rocked it. Yeyeye! Haven't had all that much stuff in my classes but there's a lot of testing. Gotta go in tomorrow morning and get an application for a grant. Not sure how it'll play out since I still have to take a compass test. Thought of how it got started in the beginning and just kind of pondered what changed and what happened. Been thinking of my mistakes and what I could've done better. Procrastinated all day. Yay.

Metamorphosis.

The other night I had an odd dream that I can't figure the meaning out behind it. First I was in Japan again and I wandered around the city streets and went into the malls. Then I got lost trying to go home. Then fast forward I was at Cobe's house, trying to help out by washing dishes but that made him, his mom, and grandfather angry for some reason? Then I was at Kyle's house and we chilled, afterwards I was hanging with Mikeo and Kyle came over and they were arguing on who gets to hang out with me. And then Cobe came out of an orange car and turned into this huge bug and started growling at everybody. I have no clue what kind of dream that was. There's no symbolism that I can dissect from it either. Been pondering about the 2014 Corolla and Camry. Corolla has better gas mileage, compact so parking will be easier(I suck at parking even with my Honda Accord) but apparently it's lighter and driving on the highway, the gust and tire noise can be bothersome. Camry has more leg room and truck space, it's sturdier in it's weight and has more interior accessories, it's also a bigger car so parking will be more difficult. So I've been debating, which is better and which has less issues? Sources state that both are deemed safe and reliable so that doesn't help much. The Camry seems to have a higher insurance rating but I'm not sure yet so I'll have to check with my insurance company later on in the future. I don't really need the extra space because even in my current car, I don't commute anyone really except for myself and maybe a friend or my younger siblings once in a blue moon. I get good gas mileage on it because it only takes $40 to fill up my tank from the bottom. I don't use my truck with my current car either so I'm not sure if the extra space is necessary. I don't plan to have kids nor have many in the next 10 years plus if I do I won't have more than one or two so a small car would still fit my needs. Sigh, I need to expand my knowledge on cars. 

One thing I've noticed is that I've somewhat withdrawn myself from males. I mean, yeah I'm still flirtatious to a certain degree and joke but I don't open up much. I think twice before I let the words slip because nowadays society judges with a naive mindset, and my words are too rancid and true for them to grasp. I really wish I could find someone to be best friends with, without thinking twice and having to fear that they'll judge my low moments and words I may not mean from impulse or the environment I grew up in. It's just so difficult be so naked with someone again. Opening your heart, secrets, and thoughts without them listening, seeing, and thinking with a bias way. It's difficult to please everyone, even yourself when you're not sure where you stand. 

It's catching up.

Gah. My lack of sleep is starting to catch up to me! I fell asleep around 1AM like yesterday but I woke up feeling extremely exhausted. Crammed in the morning for my history test in English but that got pushed back to Monday and I was like oh thank goodness! Ended up studying kanji the whole day only to find out that we're testing over vocabulary when I arrived in class. FML. I have a lot of homework and quizzes next week but I hardly have anytime because of work! Sigh. Next week the people from the center are going to be scheduled 70 hours. Wtf? I'm scared of how much hours I'm gonna have now. Ah shit.