10312012

If he's going to be my friend just because of 'that' then why bother? I begged to be friends in the past, before I knew of your presence, but  he pushed me away. Now that he's learned of what I've been through, he wants to be friends? No.

While I was struggling, with tears and a broken heart, he pushed me away. He wanted to get as far away from me as he could. Told me to move on, because he'd just hurt me when he moves on. That I'm just lowering my standards when I was on my knees, begging for another chance, but he turned his back.  He doesn't want a relationship out of pity because that's all he feels towards me. Pity, not love, so let's not have a friendship out of pity either. He was okay with saying good-bye so I'll learn not to look his way when we pass in the streets.

I don't want to be toyed with. If you love me then hold me forever and don't let go, I guarantee I won't either. if you don't then don't torture me with false feelings and riddles. Don't pull then push, it's stressful.

Car's acting a bit wacko, will probably either change or try to fix whatever's wrong with the tire/whatnot. Woke up this morning with a blood all over me, guess blood clots hasn't formed yet. Been having this weird clawing sensation downstairs, wtf is going on? Went straight to work after school and got off around 10 o'clock even though I was scheduled to get off at 9 but it's okay. Was busy the whole time so no time for a break or stop. Sold +1,300 corn dogs. Hopefully we'll win! Tips weren't well except for a $5 and an $8 tip from two male customers. Joanna and Conner came to visit me around 5, and Joanna ordered 14 corn dogs and ate them all at once because he wanted to support me so badly haha. Ami, Dudley, and the kids visited me, everybody thought they were super cute and Kay allowed me to go out and say hi. So nice of her! Jenn and Sutton came by and visited me around 7ish, it was getting pretty chilly and they were in costumes. I was kind of disappointed that I couldn't stay and chat for a bit but she left me a loving message. Hoi, Alex, and Sam came just as I was getting off haha. Scared me for a second cause everybody were in full costume. They ordered 20 corn dogs haha, didn't even know it was them! Thought it was just a bunch of teenagers with the munchies after smoking pot. Chit chat for about 5 minutes then I had to go since it was late and cold. Brought so much food home though haha, my arms were full even though I couldn't eat any of it. Had tator tots, corn dogs, subway, and drinks. Haven't done any of my homework but oh well. I'll finish it tomorrow in seminar haha, hopefully! Wells, happy halloween everybody and a great big ol'e I love you!

10302012

You're gone. I don't know how or why, except that it's for the best. Nervously went into surgery today. First they numbed me, then came the shots with anesthesia. I started laughing outta nowhere and was in a happy mood but then I grew tired. Funny thought though. When the doctor was yanking, carving, and pulling I had my eyes closed. He came into mind out of everyone else that could've. His last words kept ringing, "I don't want to live a cycle of pain." I kept wondering, why am I thinking of him? He doesn't even know or care what I'm undergoing right now! Came out really drowsy and out of it. I'm still bleeding like crazy but I'll get over it. My face is still swollen and a bit pale but it's okay! Hopefully I'll still be able to function tomorrow at school and work.

10292012

Got checked out early, and started getting weird stomach cramps. Arrived at the office alone. it took 2 hours since they had to get papers sorted out, let the people know what was needed, and got things ready for tomorrow's surgery. Swung by the eye doctors to pick up Mommy's glasses, then McDonalds for an egg nog shake but they didn't have it so got a pumpkin shake instead. It was pretty delish! Getting checked out early tomorrow again for surgery, then to work I go. Hopefully, it won't have too much complications if not I'll have to try and find someone to cover. Gonna overdose on pain killers before -just- to make sure I don't feel too much pain while they're sticking the needles in or soreness afterwards. Gonna be sore and aching like a mofo afterwards. Hopefully I can still work on Halloween though.

10282012

Worked an 8 hour shift. Got home late and haven't done any of my homework, not to mention I have make-up tests tomorrow and a check-up. Then having my surgery on Tuesday BUT I'm also scheduled to work as well. Hopefully I can get someone to cover if my parents don't let me go. Got 30 hours this week but I also got called in for Wednesday since we're participating in the competition. Ah, working will earn me some more money that I will need soon and help pass time. I have started taking up knitting, once I get the hang of it I will start knitting you booties and a hat my love. Can't wait to see you in them. I hope you'll like it. <3

Congratulations.

We will forget you. After finding out, I know we will never get back together. I won't tell you. It's better off unknown to cut off all ties. I'm not doing this so you can have a relieved life, play games, dance, and such. I'm doing this because I spite you. I want him/her to spite you as well. You took something precious of mine and unintentionally left a little present.

So avoid us. Run and never look back.

Our good-bye; RIP you&me.

I had butterflies in my stomach but my mindset was set on the negative because when you're already expecting something and it happens, you can't get any lower. I'm proud of myself for not letting the tears and emotions rush out. Letting you know the things going on inside my mind did nothing. It hurts when you speak of your next girlfriend and of mine next so calm and normal. As if it's just the weather. It started with fear and caution, ended in jokes but it's the jokes that cut. I left with a brave face but had a break down while driving home because it's good-bye. We're murders. Burying something that's alive, to suffocate, kill, and forget.

Your arms were hovered, hugs were short and distant, and lips cold. Your words provided no comfort, just heartache and sorrow. 

The hardest part of dreaming about someone you love, is waking up to see that person is gone. It takes seconds to say hello, but it takes forever to say goodbye. Moving on is easy, but what you leave behind is what makes it hard.