"The past is the past. I'm not holding onto anything."
I'm slowly starting to accept reality even if I don't want to, I must. To help move along what destiny has in store for the both of us. Our memories are bittersweet. You have anger and resentment build in from the past that you never let out and I have love build in from my hesitation. You're already moving on and looking for the perfect girl to shower with affection while I'm trying to suppress mine. I admit, I still get jealous and upset at times but you don't care and don't want to deal with it so why bother. I try in vain to court you, to love you, to do everything possible in my power but it's no use. The love once promised by you has depleted and mine is slowly turning toxic from the absence of yours. I can't bring myself to love another, but I must stop loving you before I turn into the pyscho exgirlfriend. There are many things I want to say and ask but I refrain myself because I don't want to hear the answers and response, that's always how I've been throughout the past. And that's something that's driven you crazy, because when I do let go and let it be known, the feedback I get is always what I expect. So don't text, don't call. We become strangers once more through the don'ts. I can't wish you the best, I don't want to wish you the best because the best isn't without you and me. When you find someone else, that will be the first and last time I spill tears since last month. I've cried many nights and tried to die too many times to continue.
I'm unable to feel loved and to love. My wounds are still tender and fresh as ever. I don't want to be unfair and use you. If things were to get serious, what could I do? What should I do? I don't want to make the same mistake again and get into something when I'm not fully committed and have things fall apart halfway after I finally commit myself. I'm unable to see you, I'm unable to see me, I'm unable to see anything right in those terms. When everything is healed and love taps me on the shoulder again, I want to be able to give all of my heart instead of pieces. It's only fair to you, it's only fair to the ones around us and our future. Please understand.
I will try to bring the lessons I've learned but not the pain. I may not be pure, I may have a past and marks but embrace me regardless. I will try to be more understanding, more patient, and virtuous. I will put effort into who I hope to become. I will not be afraid to show my affection whether it be through simple notes such as "stay warm", small gestures such as grabbing your arm, or tasks such as peeling oranges and feeding you. Do not take us as a day by day thing, take us as a would-be-marriage. I will love you with all my heart, you will be the only one in these eyes. When I won't listen, shake some sense into me, wipe away my tears and fears, and hold me close. Don't let me go, because once I'm yours I won't sway. Once I love, I am loyal, I am faithful. I am yours for eternity. Encourage and support me and I will do the same. We will both self-improve through each other. I will try to not let you get in the middle of affairs but I will integrate you into my family. You will become my best friend, a family member, part of my soul and each breath I take. You will become my love and life. I make mistakes along the way but we both will make mistakes, so lets be considerate and learn to love and live through each other's presence.
Mianheyo to the past: the way I treated you and the way I acted and the way things worked out. To the present: I'm battered, lost, confused and unable to return your feelings. To the future: I'm still uncertain and learning from my mistakes. I am be battered, cynical, and hurt from the past but I will try my best to love and live in harmony. Please take well care of me.
