In a way I'm not over the past. I'm still affected, still pained by his actions and who he's become. I still reminisce but I don't miss him. I don't want the person he is now, I don't want the person who harmed me. I miss the happy times, the warmth and fluttering butterflies from his touch. Do I still love him? Maybe, to a certain degree. I don't think I'll ever stop loving him, but it won't be the same way. Would I take him back? Not right away because I've gained trust and love issues even if I do lust for it but if we were able to make amends and the feelings were mutual then I would see. But, he's happy with his life and that's okay with me.
Another thing that angers me is how mother has become so lenient with Ami's relationship. Mostly because she finally dropped Dudley and is with a Vietnamese boy, one that everyone in the family approves of - even the grandparents. I've always been concerned with their impression of whoever I chose to date. Honestly, they don't care either. They just dislike me dating in general but when I gain any academic achievement they don't acknowledge it either. Wtf. I need some kind of attention and love one way or the other. I date Asians who welcome me into their family and everything, but they still disapprove of the guys. I am cautious of my position and affection but that still doesn't appease them. I stop dating all together and focus upon my education and that still doesn't please them because they want me to look after my siblings and look after their academic progress. Pisses me to no end. Let me be free. Let me live, love, and learn from life. Let me find happiness without fear and warnings from you.
Yes, I notice other guys affection for me. It's cool as long as it's not over the top and we are able to remain friends without him trying to shove the fact that he's into me every minute. Suddenly cut me off because you see no benefit of being my friend? That's cool. Can't keep a civilized friendship with a female because she doesn't want yo dick.
There is one particular boy who I can see his affection growing deeper and deeper each day through subtle actions. How much he misses me when we don't communicate - which I just brush those moments off because when I pay extra attention to those abstinence then I become very difficult to deal with (I become depress and upset, lovesick maybe?). So I learn from my experience and just be whatever with it to make things easier. His eyes, they've changed. They have that familiar glaze over them. A look so familiar from someone in the past - he use to look at me with those loving eyes too. He treats me well now, no more being physical joking that he hurts me. He's gentle, his voice is softer when he speaks to me. I can see how much in love he is. Overall, he's just more supportive, encouraging, and cautious of my well being. I'm afraid I may hurt him by my callous affection. Disappoint and harm him.
