きゅんきゅんした。

Maybe this was a sign? The other night in my dream, my boyfriend had the very same personality and name except for one thing - he looked exactly like my former boyfriend. The gingery, chestnut hair, slightly plump pecs, and a semi hard stomach. He was still the same person, sweet and giving but then again so was my former - at least in the beginning when he still loved me. 

Got mixed up with the times yesterday. Was told to get off at 6:30PM, not be home by 6:30PM so we left later than desired. Rushed home, changed out of my stinky clothes into shorts and a loose top, spritz on perfume and out the door I went. I looked so gross heh. Spent most of the time in the car trying to nap, listen to Pandora or at least try since once we got way out into the country side my internet wouldn't work. Arrived around 9:30PM, went around and ate. Jasmine got bun bo hue, Randi got com ga sweet and spicy while the rest of us got pho. Grabbed boba afterwards and walked around some more. Went by the souvenir stands, noticed that their parasols are made differently now. Decided to go over to the cypher area and watch for a bit. Saw Josh and thought nothing too major, more of oh hey it's him. Snapped a few photos of the dancers and recorded a snippet of the dancing. Then, after 20 or so minutes of watching the dancers BAM my eyes rested on a familiar face. 

I'm not sure if he recognized or spotted me but either way I was at the very front of the crowd while he was across from me, in the second row. He clearly had time to prepare and dress himself up. He's gotten a bit meat on him now but in a way he looked familiar yet still off. In the short amount of time, I felt so many different things and thoughts flew through my mind. I had a tightening feeling in my chest, excited, but also scared. This was the first time seeing him again in 18 months. Did he feel the same way? Awkward, shocked, irritation? I doubt it. I wanted to flee. I could feel the moisture building up in my eyes, wanting to roll towards gravity. In the beginning after noticing him, he seemed indifferent but after a while I'd catch myself wandering over to that direction and over time, it appeared as though he was trying to hide behind the girl in front of him. Hiding his face and lowering it. I don't understand? Even after leaving, there was still a slight tightness in my chest. I guess I can safely say things are not normal - at least for me. I'm still grieving over a broken dream, a broken past but at the same time I'm moving forward. It was a beautiful, blurry memory with a bittersweet aftertaste. Memories are fading, and certain touches are becoming a blur. 

The car ride back was more pleasant. I was able to fit in the backseat, laid out and curled up with a blanket - being able to comfortably drift to sleep. A rare and sweet experience, having my hair stroked as I fell asleep. Got dropped off at 3:02AM, was so dead. Quickly brushed my teeth, washed my face, stripped out and into a t-shirt and off to bed I went. I wasn't able to fall asleep until 3:41AM though. Got up at 7:50AM and ready for work. So dead, thought about grabbing coffee but I was in a hurry. Hung out at FT for a bit before getting called over to Polished since they were "busy". Meh, it was better than other days recently.