Anger.

Majority of the time I am a mellow person. I am understanding and patient as a sleepy elephant seal. On the rare occasions I become irritated I'm not one to publicly announce my anger or "talk it out". Instead I am the type of person to push aside what bothered me only to let it manifest, eventually blowing up in the end. Meanwhile, my pain is essentially converted to anger. My breathing becomes fast paced, the adrenaline builds and the only thing I become concerned with is to harm the target - whether it be physically or mentally - usually my desire is to slam doors in their face, slap and hit them, and push them around. As the adrenaline slows down, I am still irritated of course so my intention turns from physical harm to mental harm. Now, I do not degrade the individual with vulgar language rather I simply state how my faith in them has changed. And in that sense, I am also attempting to train myself to care less - to invest less into the individual because I've come to a conclusion that the more I invest and become attached to a partner I start to expect only the best from them. When they disappoint me, a part of me becomes crushed. I placed them upon a pedestal which they are unworthy of. All the frilious promises and endearing words are nothing but bullshit. I need to stop believing such stupid promises and having high expectations. It only sets me up for disappointment and those tight feelings in my chest. 

After the adrenaline settles down, the tears come crashing down. Why? Frustration and disappointment. I have never been good at expressing emotions whether it be anger, sadness, or love in appropriate terms. As a child, being reserved was what was taught and expected so all I've known is withdrawing and confining myself in isolation. 

I'm not a good candidate for serious relationship investments. Once I become attached I care deeply that it drives me insane at certain points. A broken promise or having bad news broken to me takes a toll on my amgalya and I act out. Perhaps it is because I have such high expectations for the individual because I have high expectations from myself as well so when I get disappointed I feel cheated. I am not fit for a relationship because the expectations I have for the individuals are high in a relationship, because I cannot control my disappointment and hurt by my partner, because I need to learn to control my hurt so that it doesn't escalate into anger. 

The only way I know how is to not care which would result in a relationship that is not invested in, dead. With that being said, the more times I get disappointed the less I care for the other person and the more I am willing to let go and move on. 

College Bound.

First day of school.
Things were alright, except until the end where I got a professor with a really heavy accent that I just cannot decipher. I mean, I've had previous experience with Indian accents because of working 2-3 years with Tim but oh my goodness this lady talks loud but too fast and her pronunciation. Gah! I really am wanting to switch to another professor if possible. Fingers crossed!

Attended Le Vu Lan friday night, heading off to work at SDN tomorrow even though it was originally suppose to be my day off to do homework plus I had promised Chris that I'd kick it with him tomorrow too. Didn't remember til he texted me the day before to confirm but I had already told the boss that I'd work for her on Tuesday since I had plans on Monday(tonight). Hopefully I'll be raking in the dough tomorrow!

きゅんきゅんした。

Maybe this was a sign? The other night in my dream, my boyfriend had the very same personality and name except for one thing - he looked exactly like my former boyfriend. The gingery, chestnut hair, slightly plump pecs, and a semi hard stomach. He was still the same person, sweet and giving but then again so was my former - at least in the beginning when he still loved me. 

Got mixed up with the times yesterday. Was told to get off at 6:30PM, not be home by 6:30PM so we left later than desired. Rushed home, changed out of my stinky clothes into shorts and a loose top, spritz on perfume and out the door I went. I looked so gross heh. Spent most of the time in the car trying to nap, listen to Pandora or at least try since once we got way out into the country side my internet wouldn't work. Arrived around 9:30PM, went around and ate. Jasmine got bun bo hue, Randi got com ga sweet and spicy while the rest of us got pho. Grabbed boba afterwards and walked around some more. Went by the souvenir stands, noticed that their parasols are made differently now. Decided to go over to the cypher area and watch for a bit. Saw Josh and thought nothing too major, more of oh hey it's him. Snapped a few photos of the dancers and recorded a snippet of the dancing. Then, after 20 or so minutes of watching the dancers BAM my eyes rested on a familiar face. 

I'm not sure if he recognized or spotted me but either way I was at the very front of the crowd while he was across from me, in the second row. He clearly had time to prepare and dress himself up. He's gotten a bit meat on him now but in a way he looked familiar yet still off. In the short amount of time, I felt so many different things and thoughts flew through my mind. I had a tightening feeling in my chest, excited, but also scared. This was the first time seeing him again in 18 months. Did he feel the same way? Awkward, shocked, irritation? I doubt it. I wanted to flee. I could feel the moisture building up in my eyes, wanting to roll towards gravity. In the beginning after noticing him, he seemed indifferent but after a while I'd catch myself wandering over to that direction and over time, it appeared as though he was trying to hide behind the girl in front of him. Hiding his face and lowering it. I don't understand? Even after leaving, there was still a slight tightness in my chest. I guess I can safely say things are not normal - at least for me. I'm still grieving over a broken dream, a broken past but at the same time I'm moving forward. It was a beautiful, blurry memory with a bittersweet aftertaste. Memories are fading, and certain touches are becoming a blur. 

The car ride back was more pleasant. I was able to fit in the backseat, laid out and curled up with a blanket - being able to comfortably drift to sleep. A rare and sweet experience, having my hair stroked as I fell asleep. Got dropped off at 3:02AM, was so dead. Quickly brushed my teeth, washed my face, stripped out and into a t-shirt and off to bed I went. I wasn't able to fall asleep until 3:41AM though. Got up at 7:50AM and ready for work. So dead, thought about grabbing coffee but I was in a hurry. Hung out at FT for a bit before getting called over to Polished since they were "busy". Meh, it was better than other days recently. 

Cont. Education.

Got off early to make it in time to JCCC. Ran around the building trying to figure out what exactly I needed to enroll into Honors COMP I. I had a 97 cumulative based from the COMPASS test so I did fulfill the requirement of having either a 25 ACT score or a 90 on the placement test. Finally a lady told me that I had to take the writing assessment test so I was like okay, whatever fits the bill and get me the class. Took it within' 30 minutes and got a 98% when the requirement was a 90% so I gotta say, my English is pretty swell for a "non-native" speaker lawl. So now I have Principles of Cell and Molecular Biology with lecture and lab work, Honors COMP I, and Trig - part time yet I still have a 7 hour day sigh. If only there were earlier availability than I would be able to shorten my school day to 5 hours and be out by 1PM and head to work. Oh well. Got all my school supplies and textbook ordered and out of the way. Now I have to wait for my FA to kick in or fork over a percentage of the credit payments. Fun fun sheet.

Dark Cloud.

Not sure why but lately I've just been in an unhappy mood. The previous days it was more like irked while today is more gloomy and sad like I could have tears falling at any moment. Most likely my hormones acting up but it doesn't help anything when it looks like I'm about to drown in a puddle of tears.

Went up to JCCC yesterday morning. Signed up for my classes, part time yet each day I have 8 hours of school gah. Trying to switch my English class at 3PM to 1PM so then I could get out by 3PM instead of 4PM. The English department chair isn't picking up though so I'm getting a bit antsy plus I need to buy my textbooks ASAP. Afterwards went to cafe vie for pho and ddeobokkie. The pho was delish but the ddeobokkie was dry, not very elastic, and the fish cakes tasted bland. I would definitely go back for the pho but I'd go to Sobahn for the ddeobokkie though. 

The more I remember, the more I realize I should've known. What is truly a friend? They use you as a time killer. You should do the same in return to avoid getting too attached. I have zero female friends left. They're all occupied with themselves and boys. That's okay, I need to do the same with myself. Everyone is selfish in their own motives. 

Post Wisdom Teeth

Welp, had my wisdom teeth taken out a little over a week ago. My chipmunk cheeks have vanished and my face is back to normal. I have noticed that my face is smaller vertically so my "V-shape" is less prominent which is fine I guess. Finally figured out the cause of my bad breath - dried blood in the back molars which my toothbrush couldn't reach and food particles stuck in the wisdom teeth extration sites. Now, my oral surgeon didn't give me a syringe to clean it for fear of overcleansing resulting in a dry socket therefore I took one of the medicine syringes and gently flood my "holes" until everything flows out like magic haha. This takes a while, especially on the right side since it is hidden by an ulcer. So brushing my teeth has extended from the normal 10 minutes to 25 plus an extra 30 to flush my holes. Damn that's a long time but I'm pretty anal about my holes remaining clean and odor. 

School starts next week and I still have to take my science placement test as well as see if I can test into intermediate Japanese. The English classes are pretty filled up and the science classes I want to take I'm not sure if it is needed for a B.S in biology? Merp, still unsure because of the possibility of going overseas and mama really wants me to get my surgery done and over with it. Says I'll finally look prettier and she won't be as worried when I drive at night lol. 

Works been alright, need to be faster with gel polish and eventually learn acrylic along with acrylic 3D design. I don't have anybody to practice on though which is a downside because to really get any experience is to do it on real hands because everybody has different types of nails, nail plates and so on. Haven't been as happy or at ease at work with my paycheck getting so much taken out from taxes and all the other little nitpickings and the fact that I'm still at the bottom of the food chain since gel polish is still hesistant and that as more nail technicians get hired the more my paycheck dwindles as students head back to school and the weather becomes cooler. Around this area it's wealthy but there's so much coupons going on and discounts and such. I need to find another shop but I'm not sure which one to call up and the issue that I have anxiety when it comes to new jobs, new people, and routine. Sigh.