Snippet of recent days.

Shit ton of homework and finishing up last minute assignments for school. Drove to the airport to pick up parents and the kids. Woot, I drove on the highway for ~40 miles tee hee. Really not lovin' all the construction going on I35. Got called into work at 6PM even though we close at 7PM because it was so busy and I had just gotten home from picking up 'rents and kids. They wanted me to come out today as well but I couldn't since I lost my voice and a slight fever. Actually passed out once I got home from school surprisingly. Anyways time for bed, peace out boos. 

PS. Perks of them being home, I get to give Andi and Alex kisses and cuddles. There's food at the end of the day waiting, and the grass is finally getting mowed after a month. xD

Where did I go wrong.

On days like these, I tend to dress up and apply make up with care. Why? To hide myself. People tend to think I'm about to go out for a special event but truth is, it helps hide my emotions. A thin layer over swirling, unsettling feelings. Why let it show? I don't need pity, I don't need their judgemental glances. I don't need to let those who hate me see me fall. Make up is my mask.

Lately I've been having second guesses. Not because of the events but because on your reactions. Yes, I have been upset and irritated by the connections related to John and the two hood rats. I figured if I try to ignore it and look the other way I could keep things under control. So far it was going well. I occupied myself with other people and was able to work on a few things. Mostly just ignored. Until today, your reaction set me off. You really have changed. I am the type to go into my shell, to hold things in and avoid but you letting me go really shows what's occurred. I realize that you don't try as hard anymore. You've got the girl but you're not doing the things you did in the beginning to get the girl. You may have gotten the girl but that doesn't mean you can stop doing what you did in the beginning. She's still the girl everyone wants, I'm still the girl guys are pinning for. I don't have to be your girl anymore if you're not going to work to maintain me. I have difficulty opening up, so I'll always retreat to my shell with things I don't know how to explain or convey. You use to push me, push forward and show that you care even if it wasn't successful. The calls, the texts, the frustration showed you cared. I appreciated that, I opened up when I had the courage to after being pushed so much. Now, you can go days without much communication, that doesn't bother you. You're glad to have the space to yourself. You don't want to put the effort in. My silence receives eye rolls and you recuperate with more silence. Flames with more flames, it'll consume my heart and I will give up.

You don't want to bother with school work because it's unimportant to you. You weren't like this before. I thought you changed for the better, became a person who was focused on the future. Who cared about their assignments and workload even if it was disliked.

Your lack of reactions your commitment to others, your disinterest in schoolwork. The times you lash out in front of me. All this causes me to reevaluate my choice in picking you and why I'm wasting my time with a stranger - because I don't know you anymore.

Disregarded for a whore.

You chose her over me. She means nothing right? Then why do you have to communicate with her? Oh yes, because of John. Why can't you directly communicate with him then? She shouldn't matter or have anything with him either so why are you inviting her to eat Ihop with you guys? Calling me immature for feeling the way I do? Yeah. When you disregarded my feelings about this you disregarded ME for a whore who you know I hate.

You call me immature for that whore.
You let me walk out into the rain at night for that whore.
You disregarded me for that whore.

You may not have realized it but you did. If I really mattered then you wouldn't have done it. You wouldn't have proceeded to communicate and allow her to eat with you guys. So yeah. You want to associate yourself with that bitch then be my guest.

And now you want to be angry, you want to yell at me? You have no right. Look at yourself in the mirror and reflect before opening your mouth. I don't have to put up with this.

Tears upon my heart.

I hate feeling like this. I really do. It's not like I do it on purpose but I hate when shit like this happens. It's a sense of betrayal and nobody understands. Me being the person I am, I don't confront, yell or scream. Instead, I stay quiet. Quiet until I can't stand it anymore that I run away to solitude.. then I cry. I cry and cry because I can't express the pain I feel. Because I'm seen as the bad person every time and never sympathized with. Eventually, they will get tired of this trait of mine and leave. I can feel it, and because its happened before.

Sometimes I want to move away and start life all over again. Date someone who knows no one else besides me, who came out of a rock. 

Spring shopping.

Just been doing a bit of heavy spring shopping instead of cleaning lol. Went back to purple hair for a bit. Doesn't show up as well anymore except on the blonde strands. Need to get back in cooking, losing my skills. Need to focus on math. Life is life so far.

Really loved this romper except there was only two flaws. First being it was a bit snug, wish there was a size bigger. Second, it felt a bit too revealing/seductive because my bra was showing lol. But super cute! Still would've gotten it if only there was a size bigger.

AirPort transportation

Woke up around 4am the other day to take em to the airport. They missed their flight so had to drive all the way back to MCI to pick em up. Ami drove the van while keo drove the suv on the way back. Had to wake up again yesterday to see them off. Andi ended up crying bc I kept telling her not to cry haha, I'm so mean. It is weird though. It's so quiet and lifeless. There's no nagging or whining. I don't have anyone to kiss, tease, but most importantly cuddle and touch their boobs haha. 

4 minutes to be ready to pick em up from airport. Not a lick of makeup or skin products. I still look good 👌