12032012

I have a lot of homework tonight and many assessments and tests towards the end of this week, sad face. As usual, that nostalgic feeling washed over me as I walked towards my car. Maybe it was the dark, cloudy sky that made me feel that way or because I was walking alone again. The emotion feels a bit like deja vu because that's how my past had been and I was fine with it, and I am now too but it just feels a bit empty. I guess I'm nearing the acceptance and bitter stage. There's still love buried underneath it all but I'm forced to let it die. I'll be okay. So, I set in my application for Japan. I hope I get accepted for the choosing so I can attend the meeting at North on Saturday. The competition is tight but I'm determined to secure a position for myself. I want - no. I need this. I need to get away, even if it means missing school and work. I need to get away from the daily routine that I call my life. I need to get away from the past and memories. It may not be what I imagined my next flight to be like, but it doesn't mean it's neccessarily bad. It doesn't have to be him by my side in the air, it doesn't have to be him sleeping next to me on the airplane. Who knows, I might find my next significant other sleeping next to me. I hope I'll see some of my Japanese pen-pals. A bit disappointed I won't see Daisuke-kun since he's in Kanto region since he's one of my close friends. Have so much make-up shit due LOL. Better get to it, will be continued soon.

Losing

There are many times when I want to cry, when I begin tearing up but I tell myself to be strong. To suppress and forget, yet it's so hard. There are so many things I want to say and do but only a few words slip out if any and all I can do is look at you yet not directly. As I grip to win this battle, my nails are digging into my palms as my fingers slowly slip and fail. It hurt. It hurt a lot. It still hurts. To hear those words from you, like taking a drink and splashing it into my face. I was pathetic though. Seeing me like this only makes you scoff and laugh.

I will not cry. I will not let these tears fall. I'll take a headache if I must but I will not cry anymore.
I don't know what to do, lose and flee or stay and stand my ground? Flee and try to forget although I may appear as a coward or stay and be brand as a loveless fool? Be reminded of the past each day and cope with each obstacle even though it's unnessecary. What to do?
I had a dream again last night, I don't think it was a nightmare though. I just died in a car accident, that's all.

Ahpayo.

12022012

Woke up my period, hellooooo beautiful. Just what I needed for a long ass shift. Work was OK for the first half of happy hour and before. The second half was just hell. My back was killing me, I was legitly about to collapse my ass on the ground and pass out. It felt like something clawing at the side of my vagina and it was contracting like shit. I was like wtf, I don't need this now! Felt like someone was taking a sledge hammer and wacking my back ugh. Cutest shit happened at work that usually doesn't happen in a million years. This guy created a scavenger hunt to propose to his girlfriend and sonic held one of the first clue to it since they had their first date there. That girl was speeding like crazy to get her clue lmfao. Guys should take a hint. Drove home to a crimson sky, not the usual red, orange sunset but just blue and crimson. I felt alone but not lonely, weird huh? I didn't feel the usual sadness I tend to felt when I drove home, I felt loose and relaxed like this is how it's gonna be from now on. Nobody by my side down the road of life but it's okay. Did you have a nice time in okc? I'm sure you did. Met a lot of people, made new friends, and had a blast without worries. 

Mianhe.

"The past is the past. I'm not holding onto anything."

I'm slowly starting to accept reality even if I don't want to, I must. To help move along what destiny has in store for the both of us. Our memories are bittersweet. You have anger and resentment build in from the past that you never let out and I have love build in from my hesitation.  You're already moving on and looking for the perfect girl to shower with affection while I'm trying to suppress mine. I admit, I still get jealous and upset at times but you don't care and don't want to deal with it so why bother. I try in vain to court you, to love you, to do everything possible in my power but it's no use. The love once promised by you has depleted and mine is slowly turning toxic from the absence of yours. I can't bring myself to love another, but I must stop loving you before I turn into the pyscho exgirlfriend. There are many things I want to say and ask but I refrain myself because I don't want to hear the answers and response, that's always how I've been throughout the past. And that's something that's driven you crazy, because when I do let go and let it be known, the feedback I get is always what I expect. So don't text, don't call. We become strangers once more through the don'ts. I can't wish you the best, I don't want to wish you the best because the best isn't without you and me. When you find someone else, that will be the first and last time I spill tears since last month. I've cried many nights and tried to die too many times to continue.

 

I'm unable to feel loved and to love. My wounds are still tender and fresh as ever. I don't want to be unfair and use you. If things were to get serious, what could I do? What should I do? I don't want to make the same mistake again and get into something when I'm not fully committed and have things fall apart halfway after I finally commit myself. I'm unable to see you, I'm unable to see me, I'm unable to see anything right in those terms. When everything is healed and love taps me on the shoulder again, I want to be able to give all of my heart instead of pieces. It's only fair to you, it's only fair to the ones around us and our future. Please understand. 

I will try to bring the lessons I've learned but not the pain. I may not be pure, I may have a past and marks but embrace me regardless. I will try to be more understanding, more patient, and virtuous. I will put effort into who I hope to become. I will not be afraid to show my affection whether it be through simple notes such as "stay warm", small gestures such as grabbing your arm, or tasks such as peeling oranges and feeding you. Do not take us as a day by day thing, take us as a would-be-marriage. I will love you with all my heart, you will be the only one in these eyes. When I won't listen, shake some sense into me, wipe away my tears and fears, and hold me close. Don't let me go, because once I'm yours I won't sway. Once I love, I am loyal, I am faithful. I am yours for eternity. Encourage and support me and I will do the same. We will both self-improve through each other. I will try to not let you get in the middle of affairs but I will integrate you into my family. You will become my best friend, a family member, part of my soul and each breath I take. You will become my love and life. I make mistakes along the way but we both will make mistakes, so lets be considerate and learn to love and live through each other's presence. 

Mianheyo to the past: the way I treated you and the way I acted and the way things worked out. To the present: I'm battered, lost, confused and unable to return your feelings. To the future: I'm still uncertain and learning from my mistakes. I am be battered, cynical, and hurt from the past but I will try my best to love and live in harmony. Please take well care of me. 

I want to experience.

&&Visit these places one day with someone, doesn't have to be with a significant other, with a close friend is alright.

Zhangjiajie National Forest Park, China

Socotra Island, Indian Ocean

11302012

Woke up early at 6am to complete 4 essays, and only two of them were due. FML. What the fuck ma? Work was busy but it was alright I guess. Stayed longer than I'd liked because I had plans that I thought would be fun. Turned out a bit cold but it's whatever. Stomach is still acting weird, keeps gurgling 24/7 and I can feel it move and nausea as well. Possibly going to the doctors tomorrow if there is time or is a clinic is open.