Bloating?

The side of my face is starting to bloat. I think it's from my wisdom teeth. My face is so wide now. Ugh.

Slut bag.

Sometimes I get piss off and I wanna act like a slut but then I stop myself short.
Short end of the stick sucks ass.
Why can't I just date around and have fun. God. I hate this mutha fucken sheet.

Hello and goodbye.

I'm such a lazy poop nowadays but honestly I don't see the reason to post anything here anymore.

I don't have a desire to reach out to anyone nor let people know about anything. I prefer to keep my thoughts and feelings under wrap - so I write in my diary now. Yeah, haven't written in those since junior high. Damn. Time flies huh. Any personal emotional feelings and issues, I write them then I usually ponder for weeks on end and eventually I find an indirect answer. It doesn't really leave me hanging or regret anything but it's better than putting it out there and have others take it the wrong way. Plus, my entries are usually the same thing over and over again - or just things that don't need to be known.

Blogging does make things easier for potential partners to understand me better but then again I tend to use this as a tool to communicate rather than being directly open to them - having to use this as a means of letting them know what's bothering me or how I feel towards a certain matter. I need to work on my communicating skills with guys when it involves emotional matters instead of hiding behind a mask, something I've been doing for too long. It's something I'm working on and I'm rather proud of how far I've come.

With that being said. I know I'm still wavering. Maybe I'll always have that soft spot for him. Maybe after finding someone who I share a deeper love with, it'll disappear. I admit, I have dreams involving him from time to time and I take the time to review the dreams' course and try to grasp the hidden meanings behind them. In some, he still has affection for me while I try to deny it, in others he has hatred while I yearn, and then there are the ones with indifference from both sides. I thought I was over everything, or so I tried to convince myself and everyone else around me. Of course, I can lie to others but I can't lie to myself. There's just something inside that gets rattled around. When I think of him, I think of yesterday's sweetness. All the small gestures and actions he did, those spoke the loudest to me. The adversities we went through, the lessons we learned together. I don't think of revenge, nor the horrid things he said about me while we were dating - something I found out afterwards, funny huh? Those displeasing things, they don't contaminate him. I'm still haunted by my past, I still love him, my past but I know we could never go back to the past. Too many things have happened and changed. Life is about moving on, learning, and creating new things - not about holding on to the past no matter how good it may seem because the future can always be better.

Who he is now, is not affiliated with who he was. He is a mold of yesterday, but the inside is a whole new element. He is the one who pushed me down and away. He is the one who harmed me. He is who I feel anger towards. Not a typhoon of wrath, but rather just a resentment for his ill actions. Now, I don't hate him. I just hold a bit of a grudge against that. 

Overall, I just have that little sweet spot for him - until his harmful ways are brought up with others around but one to another, I have more of a bittersweet affection towards him. There's a small part of me that wants him to be held back by life but there's an even bigger part that wants him to be happy. I still love him in a way I guess.

Corey, thank you for showing me what love is and how to live with it. Thank you for the cold slap of reality, you've caused me to mature and understand all these things I thought I had knew but really I didn't. Maybe I wasn't your first love but I truly believe you were mine. I would reach out and try to reconcile, to be friends - nothing else - but too many of "our" mutual friends hate me because of you so it would be pretty difficult for you to explain why you're friend with this horrible person of an ex and we ended on a sour note as well. I hope you're well, I hope you do well in life. If I see you in person, you don't have to run - I'll walk the other way before you start to. I won't make a scene, I won't try to make eye contact. No worries. 

Anywhos, we got permanent scan cards at work instead of the disposable paper ones along with touch screen monitors. Whole new system and she bang. It's pretty cool but sometimes I don't press hard enough on the screen that it doesn't register, boo. Also, it seems my procrastination has caught up with me. I was suppose to look for a dental surgeon for my wisdom teeth a few months back but I neglected since I'm a lazy poo and now I'm having pains in my lower left jaw because of my wisdom teeth(tooth?) coming in. Oh lucky me. 

In case you wonder what my nostrils look like lolol.

So far.

Won 1st place in the Pea DNA extraction.

Got a second job.

Life's good.