Cycle of a dying love.

Sometimes I'm not sure what's going on.
Gradually, I feel my love for him growing- beating inside my chest, fluttering with happiness and warmth but then the next day it gets killed by the cold. I try to communicate, to show my affection and appreciation but he suddenly becomes occupied. Taking 3 hours for a single response then 2 hours later another response. That really kills the mood when I've waited all day for him to get off to talk, when I've sent over a dozen snaps while he was away so he would have something to laugh at when he got off, when I try to be loving and it's met with a 3 hour delay of a short bland text. It really sucks. It's not the first time nor will it be the last. It seems as though it be best if I just stop being caring but that always results in a conflict. What to do?
He said in the past he'll try not to be closed off and be more affectionate and tending. I try to be understanding as well when he comes home tired and wants to sleep early or does things with others but where is my time? It's starting to feel as though I'm not even in a relationship anymore, no connection/communication, no growth. It's stagnating, declining, dying.
It sucks when you waste your days waiting for someone, hoping for quality time only to be left alone without notice. When you have all this love and attention for someone special only for it to be neglected and decay. Each time my love blooms a bit, I squeal in excitement - eager to show him only  to be dishearten each time. My flower dies before I could reach him because there's a cold wind that nips my love to death and when he glances upon the dried, wilted plant and my distress he is puzzled and annoyed by what appears to be an overdramatized emotion and minor death. Over and over, my progress is undermined, overlooked, and reverted. It's tiring and I feel like killing the plant instead of tending to it - because each time it will die, my heart will ache, and he will not care. It's an endless cycle.

Grapes of Wrath Analysis

Linh Lam 

Dr. Leiker 

History 141 

28 February 2016 

With the new era of technology, farmers were forced off their land and sharecropping came to an end. Subsistence lifestyles came to an end. Without assistance or concern, people turned to the only thing they knew which was to move westward for labor wages. The people were cheated, cornered into unbearable living conditions, and constrained to a life of heartache and hell. 

Capitalism corrupted the hearts of people. Automobile salesmen would base the price on the demand, how much the buyer had, and how desperate the buyer was. Auto parts would be inflated like crazy because the salesmen knew the people were determined to move westward, because they have nothing left there and even if they stayed they could not find jobs and their resources were dwindling each day. The salespeople were not only rude and inflated prices on the people but they lied as well. During this time, one could go and steal an auto part, be called a thief and arrested yet a salesman, who lies and charges sky rocket prices on faulty machinery, would not be considered a cheat instead that would be called “sound business”(Steinbeck 163). Being forced to move, with little to no finance security is already difficult but selling everything the people owned for practically nothing to buy outrageously priced auto parts that were already on the verge of their life span was utterly frustrating. People knew they were being swindled but they could not do anything because there wasn’t anybody to go and beat up. All the blame and guilt was pushed onto an imaginary monster called banks and companies. People could not go after an individual to release their anger, concerns, or plead.  

Families moved west as instructed with the promise of a better life only to be met with more drawbacks. Orchard owners and plantation owners had sent out a surplus of flyers for workers which resulted in a surplus of people competing for the same job. Wages were $0.15 an hour and often times it got so competitive that men ended up working all day just for a bit of sugar and a cup of flour. Some men would try to labor on a small patch of land on the edge of a property that was unused – going to waste, just something to feed his family and keep their hunger at bay. When deputies and others scouted out one, they would rip, kick, destroying whatever progress the man had accomplished in front of him, crushing his dreams and hopes of his family be able to go to bed with their bellies full instead of the usual hunger pangs. Other times when crops are not able to be harvest in time, they are burned to the ground as hungry people watch.  

If it appears that any organizing is taking place amongst the poor, authorities will snatch up the leader and throw them in jail. Other tactics to keep organization to a minimum is forcing people out of their camps and burning down Hoovervilles - forcing people to leave and breaking the people apart. Other times, people within’ a community will seek out troublemakers and exile them before they stir up trouble for the rest.  

  

Capitalism was seen as the fruit of hard work and ambition by the rich. The rich are righteous. They legally obtained their property and assets but the poor are lazy, incompetent of achieving anything minor of success. Whoever has the ambition and resources to become rich is fortunate, those who don’t – well that just sucks for them. The wealthy do not see or often times do not care about the struggles of others. To the working poor capitalism was the wicked ogre that kept their families deprived of the basic necessities of life. Capitalism reflected humanity’s vileness and greed. 

Being a red or communist was seen as radical by the wealthy – fearful of any threats to their assets. In all honesty, communism was not something to be scared of. Communism was going back to the basic stage of humanity. When the Joad family first reached California they had stayed at a Hooverville. All the families were the same; they had nothing and just wanted a chance to redeem themselves as men – breadwinners, to provide for their wives and children. Being a communist did not mean they wanted to take away other person’s fortune rather they wanted to be the same chance for a better life. When Ma shared what was left of the stew with the hungry children of Hooverville; that was a form of communism. The Joad did not have much but they still shared what they had with others; feeling the guilt and empathy for having something someone else lacked – a basic human trait that is killed by greed. When Rosasharn lost her baby, instead of keeping to herself she extended a relationship to a complete stranger – sharing her breastmilk to the dying father. Many would feel sorrow and pity; most would not have given that amount of intimacy even to a dying person. Communism provided what humans lacked, the emotion and mindset as a whole and tending to one another as a person would if one of his body parts was injured or broken. 

Even as citizens of America, the people did not have basic human rights the Constitution promised. Families could not protect one another as members passed away, like flies on a hot summer day. They did not have the freedom of the wealthy; they did not have the freedom Liberty symbolized with her torch. The people were slaves to corporations and enterprises. They were not free in reality. The people were made into slaves with little to no choices and if they made any sign of dissatisfaction they would be killed and labeled as a vagabond or thrown in jail. It was simple; work until you die, die of starvation, or be killed. Floyd called out the contractor on his way of hiring - not stating how much they would get paid, how many men needed, and how he would not present his contractor’s license. He had gotten screwed over too many times by the contractors and business owners with the dirt cheap wages. The so called contractor become enraged and called up a deputy to give Floyd trouble, accusing him of breaking into a used car parking lot. People in power created trusts and connections to gain even more advantages over the working poor.  

Calling out big businesses’ deceits and demanding for opportunities to a better life is met with blacklists and deaths yet being dwindled and cheated by the very people who are supposed to be serving the public is perfectly normal and is strictly enforced. That kind of society is warped and suicidal. People are either physically exhausted or psychologically deteriorated to the point that they become animals and end up dead, shot by the local authorities as if they’re putting down a wild beast. As businesses become bolder and people remain quiet, more individuals will become wild with anger, injustice swirling inside – demanding to be unleased upon those who have wronged and condemned them. The wealthy will continue to put the poor’s sweat and blood into their pockets as more people die. Steinbeck is opening up others people’s stories of injustice – to let others know that they are not alone. If they remain separate they will get picked off like jackrabbits but if they stand united as one, their voice and appeals shall be heard and given. Reform will

occur and inequality will not continue to live in the Land of The Free.

My anger.

If I don't like or favor a particular person I keep my trap shut. They may be an ignorant, classless cretin with parents who have no mannerisms but I don't voice my emotions. This is America and I will act accordingly. In a foreign land I had to humiliate myself and bow but not anymore. If I don't like you, I regard you as a dead person. I will not dance in anger and spout profanity because it is no use spitting on dirt because it'll never be clean. You are less than a stranger. You are not family to me, you are a parasite - always harmful and benefit off others. A cocky, bastard who had a few lifetime of fortune to land someone like her. I will not cox her to associate with others nor will I implant any ill ideas in her mind but I will stay away else I blow my top and spew unfortunate words upon the distasteful likes of you.

You may call this "airing dirty laundry" but I call this bringing injustice to the light.
You are forcing me to appease, humiliate myself for a stranger who you are more accepting of than your own flesh and blood who toils endless nights studying while working so that maybe one day she'll achieve greatness to stand before you. He is an outsider, what does he achieve for you or the fact that he's simply a Vietnamese male liquidate everything else? 
I have tried to befriend him but once he insults me without any sign of guilt in his conscious, I will not attempt anything else. I will have a "smug" face as much as I want, I will not greet or say a word to him as I desire for he is not worthy of my attention. I will act as I desire, whether I want to speak or not is my human right. Would you rather I become violent and irradical? Or perhaps I slip a word to the authorities? I am being as civil as possible but the more you push an animal into a corner, in the end it will fight and kill.
Like you said, I have done nothing for this family. Without me, you guys would still be in Vietnam enjoying the simple life. My effort of being the perfect, Asian daughter meant nothing. Being quiet, polite, and studious means nothing. I should've known. Without no mentor and a language barrier, educators still doted on me and I continued to push myself academically without any encouragement or motivation besides the desire of your approval.
Lately I've been thinking of how much I cherish my parents but with the way things are going I can't kept but want to escape from this toxicity that is suffocating. Who threatens their daughter with violence for not liking someone? Who threatens to throw them out for that? What kind of mother throws away her daughter for a pretentious son-in-law? I hate him, I hate how self righteous my mother claims to be. I want to escape this chamber of constraint.
I am not scared of my mother or sister seeing this because these are the forbidden words and emotions I am denied to utter. I am mute and powerless in this place I called home.

"But I need you to need me back."

You know what sucks?
When you're under stress and all you wanna do is connect with your partner.
I know that he's busy, that he's tired. He's doing what he believes is best for his future, alright. It's cool if he wants to blow off some steam now and then, hang out with people and do things that he doesn't tell me - because I'm not his mother and he feel as though that's overbearing and cumbersome when it's just a sign of concern and curiosity. I understand when he takes forever to reply because he could just be talking to his family or friends, when he falls asleep first so I end up sleeping alone I know it's because he worked all day even though I worked all day as well. When he disregard me I make an effort to compose myself, and distance myself to try and heal yet before I can fully patch myself up another rip appears upon my heart.

Your jokes, they are more hostile and demeaning than playful. My efforts for affect are unnoticed and reproached. My plead for assistance while doing something I struggle with is meant with aloofness. I was scared, scared of getting lost on such a fast pace road. I do not fully understand how to fix my mistake if I get lost on highways, I only understand how with city roads because I can actually turn around and see my surroundings and pick out distinct landmarks. I panic, I worry when I am on an unfamiliar road. I drive using memory, that is how I am wired. In order to drive with directions via navigation I will have to get comfortable with driving on the highway and in the dark as well. It's like having someone who is 5'2"who only knows how to walk in water and not swim - stand in the 5'6" side of the pool. They will panic and reach toward you for assistance, standing 2 feet away and telling them to kick and move their arms as they panic and flail will not teach them to swim and will instead cause them to distrust you and not want to get back in the water.

Your hostility, your disaffirmation, the lack of affection, it all wears me down and makes me question why I chose you. I chose you over someone else because I believed in you. I believed that you were gentle and true, that you would continue to love me regardless of anything..everyday, every hour, with every beat of your heart. Did I give you too much credit? Did I choose wrong? It just sucks so much, when I wait for a conversation that just turns into a lifeless repeated exchange of words because your end dies and you fall asleep. My pain, my sorrow, as I wait - as I sit alone with tears streaming down my face late at night while you're peacefully asleep. It all sucks.

But all I do is pick fights with my hurt feelings, with my effort to remain composed and understanding because that is me.

If words do not make sense.

Just a bit overwhelmed.

This upcoming history exam and paper is just killing me. What really bonks me is working everyday until close because it doesn't give me enough time to catch up on reading, draft my essay, and study for the upcoming test on Monday as well as the online quiz due Friday. This subject is really stressing me out - not because it's difficult to comprehend but just the amount of material and chronology I have to remember and trying to wrap my head around what the professor wants since this will be the first test. It sucks that I'm so behind plus it doesn't help that I've only been getting around 4-5 hours max each night. I've still been attending my 8AM class on time without skipping or arriving late but ugh. I am so cranky and tired - unable and unwilling to converse or work productively at work.

Math is going well, my grades are pretty good and I don't have trouble understanding the material.

I have a bunch of other stuff on my mind, I have this feeling of fear that I'm behind on situations and that I'm forgetting something really critical that is approaching.

Lack of sleep, overwork, stress, all this is resulting in my face breaking out as well. This really sucks.