Started the day out by going to Wal-Mart. Didn't think I would get anything except OPI's bubble bath since I wasn't sure of the strictness of the restaurant. I've analyzed everybody's nails and all the servers had short, plain nails while there were one or two hostesses who had artificial nails. Not being able to have my nails done is going to drive me crazy, considering that I work in a salon and I tend to get them done every week if not more. Anyways Ami and I went overboard and spent $250. I got towels for myself so when I move out with Keo I won't have to bring the ones from home. I got a bright ass orange for my hair and a deep, rich red for body so I can distinguish between hair and body easily and so that when I get my period and have accidents lolol. Got an electronic toothbrush for a brighter smile, a portable power bank, a reindeer fleece throw, and a rechargable keyboard ipad cover which is an ipad cover/keyboard AND it also charges my ipad wirelessly. Freakin' cool! Went to Bangkok Pavillion for lunch buffet. It was okay, I must admit though the order dishes are a lot better than the buffet ones and there isn't much variety either. Went to work tonight, expo'ed and then I'm working at the salon tomorrow. Need to finish up my essay and letters before Monday eek! Got a hair cut too, ~6 inches off.
Funniest thing happened last night. So apparently Andi had told Ami to search up "400" on her phone and popped up my anniversary video. Lol, Andi had memorized it and wanted to show Ami it. She said that "He lied. He said he'd be with you forever but then he left you!" I had to laugh my ass off haha.
Ami said she's noticed with Corey, I was more animated and crazy - in a way that I was lovey dovey, jumped around, and laughed more. With Keo, I'm more relaxed and calm, more realistic? I've realized that too and it's not a bad thing. I didn't have independence nor confidence back then, now I do. I know for a fact I can do things by myself, I can survive. I aware of life's brutal truth and the things that happen and I'm fine with it. I love my boyfriend but if we were to split tomorrow I'd be okay. I'd still be strong and moving forward with life, and loving myself like I do every day.
Started cleaning and rubbing the turkey, now it's soaking and just tenderizing overnight in the fridge. Baked the pumpkin pie. Tomorrow I will began slow baking the turkey! Going to have to start early in the morning and start prepping the lasagna. Mash potatoes will be made on Thursday to ensure freshness. Need to get another pie crust as well since I have enough leftover filling for a second pie!
Vivid dreams that occured in the past 3 nights in a row. Freaky.
Dream 1: Had a sexy dream with Bubz, awk but hey it's not like I meant too? Keo and I were in Japan during a murder spree. Apparently there was a serial killer on the loose. He had abducted two high school students and tortured them in an underground cave? They had weird scabs and bumps on their faces and skin, kind of like syphilis. I was still determined to take the Shinkansen and visit Steven in the suburbs of Tokyo though but never made it that far.
Dream 2: So I was babysitting these two Asian toddlers, a boy and a girl. We were at a swimming pool. I turned away for one moment and the next I see an alligator approaching the boy. I was so scared and freaked out! I screamed for the boy to swim closer to me - we were at the shallow end of the lazy river, like 4 inches in(?). I feared scaring the gator would provoke it to attack or I may hit the child. In the end it turned out that the gator was the little girl I was babysitting. Scared the shit out of me. She had a full body alligator swim costume. Weird and a bit creepy since it went from over her head and extended past her feet. Fast forward, Ami had moved out and decorated her dorm room with pink Christmas lights and teddy bears. So unlike her. Anyways I had redecorated my room as well and somehow there was a party in my room? Weird. Anyways people came and apparently someone invited Corey, Josh, and Efraim but I didn't see Corey or Josh at all just Efraim. Anyways, he ate freakin' cake with white frosting which he got all over my clothes and this yellow, sticky, substance like egg tarts and crumbs on my bed sheets which pissed the fuck outta me. I put him on full blast, bitching and chewing his ass for that oh goodness. I went off like no other on and on. Scared the poor fella.
Dream 3: Somehow there was so important epidemic going around town and I was in a motel or so? I had two boyfriends too, Keo and Ben. Ben, he was white with short dirty blonde hair and wore a hoodie. I didn't see Keo much except for once or twice. Ben was mostly with me and catered to me everywhere, felt somewhat guilty? Then I found out from Kenyon that Cody had passed away from some horrible disease with really bad skin symptoms so that was why he's been missing out on classes a lot. I felt so bad, especially since the last time I saw him was Wednesday or last week and I didn't get to just appreciate him I guess? He had passed away from some disease called Psorabolis? I dunno, but I just cried and cried. I felt so bad and sadden. I can't wait to tell him about this tomorrow in class if he shows up!
Woke up with so many things going through my mind. I felt like I had too much pressure, too many things to do with so little time today. I feel like I forgot a lot of things I needed to do. I dunno but it made me really antsy and sad. Took my test at work toady and I didn't do too bad. I had gotten everything right on the front, but struggled a bit at the end with the breakfast items. The Aloha, oh my goodness it's so confusing. It's like gah, why it gotta be so difficult? I may come in early on Saturday or stay a bit later to play around on it to figure it out.
Lately I've been having a lot of conflicting emotions. One was figuring out whether I've finally moved on from my past and falling in love with my current boyfriend, another was whether to let loose and shower him with affection and praise, and the last was whether I should let go of him.
Dealing with the first dilemma, I don't feel as strongly towards my past nor concerned with it although I do still have reoccurring visits from him time to time in my dreams. Nothing significant though since i don't dwell on his existence in them. With the second- I'm not sure why I've been feeling this way. I just feel as though he deserves it. I have this sort of connection to him, the feeling where I always want to see and talk to him. Thedisappointment that follows when I'm not able to be with him. I want to shower him with love and praise for being a wonderful guy and dealing with me. But then it's when he does a silly matter or keeps repeatedly falling asleep on me in the middle of a conversation weeks after weeks or so that makes me doubt his true feelings. I've never been like this before and I hate it. I despize this dependency feeling, the incompleteness, empty feeling within me. I hate it. I guess in a way this shows that I've started to trust him, and depended on him and the fact that he let me down angers, upsets, and saddens me. In a way it tells me that he doesn't see the use of putting as much effort as he did before in the beginning. That he doesn't love me as much as he did before, just like the other guys. He had also stated that I had been right, that I was incapable of love. That hurts. I admit, I could not sleep at all the other night. I cried my eyes out but unsure of the reason. I don't think it was over him but the fact that I had been foolish enough to let my guard down and that I had been offended by someone I had trust. Tonight, I'm not shedding any tears. I was frustrated, sad, and now I don't care.
Been having really weird dreams that I haven't been able to recall and it's really frustrating me! I can only remember that he was in it and somehow his mom as well? Something about meeting at a house and escaping to another destination. They were all packed up and ready to go in a car and I had helped them. I couldn't get everything of mine out in time. My house had blown up in flames and I just bawled and screamed my heart out. I cannot remember to save my life what it was but it was really important to me and I just had to get it, I needed to bring it with me wherever it was I needed to go. Weird. I haven't really had these kind of dreams where you kinda just bawl and scream your heart out. I know it's a way for me to subconsciously deal with anger and grief but I didn't feel like I had any?
Got my flu shot yesterday at the GVC. Saw Tommy so that was cool. I hadn't been back there since the year I had went with him. Filled out the paperwork for everyone. They didn't have the nasal sprays this year so I had to settle with a shot but the guy who did it was pretty chill, didn't hurt or leave my arm sore. They had high blood pressure testing, diabetes, and other things. I was going to test myself for diabetes since it's in my family history but the fact that they did it on my finger tip made me weary. I don't care if it's a little pinch or whatnot. I was going to do clients later on and I know my gloves tend to rip from time to time so I ain't gonna risk catching no freakin' Ebola and yes I know how Ebola gets contracted - I study the freakin' illness two years ago - at a molecular level too. Just don't wanna risk anything. I'd prefer if they just drew blood from me the good ol'e fashion way.
I'm not sure how to start this out so I guess I'll just jump into it. I was literally destroyed by my past love. It was passionate and ecstatic to the point that when it fizzed out, the shock left me numb. I saw no purpose in life, everything had revolved around him. The relationship did not shape me as a person, rather it made me dependent like an addict to a drug. The break up was what molded, formed, who I am today: independent, cynical, and weary. I had to reinvent, rediscover who I truly was and my passions. Fast forward, I am no longer thinking of that one person day after day - instead I am talking to others without a motive of using them or what not, simply being content with my simple life. I was no longer using others as a distraction, as a variable to spice up my life or draw attention. I wasn't holding out for him either because I knew it would never happen, he had found someone new and I did not want to be in a relationship. I felt as though I was not emotionally ready to invest in someone else because I was still investing in myself. Everyone else speculated that I was not over my ex - that I was still holding on which may have a bit of truth to it. I did not understand why I had to date others to prove that I was over my ex? It's only been a year or so of being single, nothing wrong with that is there? I had started talking to a lot of guys but I saw nothing more from it than just talking and 'crushes' on me. When I had caught wind that my friends saying that I still wasn't over my ex I was offended. It felt like something was wrong with me for not dating other people and I didn't understand why. I was 18, beautiful, smart, but I didn't want to date. Is there really something wrong with that? I just wasn't ready and didn't want to use someone as a rebound if I really wasn't available. Sounds dumb huh? Well, in an effort to rebel I started dating this guy on a whim because he was pretty nice and we had been talking for a while. I figured it would be a short term thing - which seems like I always think all my relationships would be short term, guess I always underestimate? Well, he's a real sweetie. I admit, it took a long time to get use to him. I felt like a platonic relationship, I didn't have any real feelings until now - which is why I'm writing this. It's kind of scary. Before I was used to being on my own, doing things by myself but now I'm starting to expect him to be a part of my day like a routine and when it's not I get disappointed. It's a really odd feeling, but the thing is I still think of my former love from time to time. I still get teary but not as much, it was only when I listened to Gomez's new song that I started getting a bit sad. I don't know what's going on with myself.
Had an odd dream. It feels like I've been having odd dreams in general lately. The first one, I had gotten abducted and sold into sex trafficking in the desert. I tried to get out if there by driving a bulldozer since I didn't have my car? Funny thing, my boss's son was the one who sold me into the trade too. Freaky! Then somehow I was in front of my house. I kept seeing 'him' everywhere as if he was following me like a shadow. I thought I was hallucinating and told myself to snap out of it. I decided to reach out and wave my hand through him to prove to myself my eyes was playing tricks on me but then bam! My hand didn't go through him like air, instead it landed on his grey hoodie'a pocket in front if his stomach. It was solid and cottony. I freaked out like what the fuck what the fuck! It's suppose to go through him! It was really him. I hadn't gonna crazy. He was there, in the flesh, for me. He professed that he realized he had made a horrible mistake when she left him. That he still loved me and what not. I was really excited until I heard the until he got dumped. I was a last resort, a rebound! As happy as I may have been, I wasn't going to accept him because he saw me as a safety net, he didn't really loved me. It was only because he got dumped. So like a person on a diet resisting sweets, I ran away in tears saying no, I can't! Even though I did, ahaha. Comparing him to sweets is so wrong ha, because sweets don't go rancid overtime - they stay sweet unlike him.
And then I had another dream. This time I was in a 15 seat white van with all 5 of my children and other relatives? My children were mixed with white and ranged from a baby to 10 years old, most were girls. The baby girl had light brown hair name Judith. Keo had parked in front of an organic store and went inside to buy something. Then two Caucasian cashiers wearing green aprons, a Burnett with her hair in a low ponytail and another with dirty blonde came out pouring gasoline onto the hood and side of the car. I didn't get out rather I banged on the window and was like "Aye! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" But they never replied. In a split second flames came alive on the hood. It was crazy.
Took the kids out trick or treating. Decided to dress up as well even though I wouldn't be trick or treating. Took a while to get all put together but I ended up being pretty cozy through out the night! So glad I didn't go as Cinderella or else I would've frozen my ass off. The kids weren't into trick or treating that much this year as the previous. By 7:30PM they were already complaining and wanting to head home by then yet their candy bag weren't even filled up by then. What has the world come to?
Anywho, funny thing occurred at school today. As I was walking a friend halfway-ish to his class as I always do since I part ways and head to my car afterwards, he asked if he could ask me a question. I kind of guessed what it would be since I had a feeling he had taken a slight liking to me but I never acted upon anything or mentioned it. I figured it would have something to do with my relationship status since he started following me on IG just today since he saw me on it today. Anyways, he asked if I was taken, to which I replied yes. He seemed disappointed, said something about how he was disappointed and wish I wasn't, but that "maybe we could still be friends."That threw me off. What's up with the maybe? Just because I'm taken doesn't mean we can't be friends. I dunno, it always seem like when guys are nice to me it seems like they want to be more than friends which make me really weary and sad. But eh, he's a nice guy. So is my boyfriend. A little dense at times, and slow, and not my fantasy guy but he's still my boyfriend and I chose him. That's life. The reason why I don't bring him up or bombard social media with it is because - it's inevitable - society ruins your relationship. They judge you, try to separate and implant fears into each other's mind, and spread rumors and gossip. It's dumb and I'm sick of it. It was one of the partial reasons why it ruined my last one, along with some other factors. People get sick of seeing couples fight online, and they're sick of seeing lovey dovey pukable things online from couple friends. I prefer to keep it behind closed doors. If we have a fight, then we have a fight. If we going strong then we going strong. Nothing to it.
I've been looking back at some photos and videos from the past when I was at *ahem* my high moments in life. I must admit, I was uhhhglahhhayyeee. Like damn, what did so many guys see in me? I was so not cute haha. I have most definitely bloomed or gotten more attractive compared to the old me. Definitely more independent as well, maybe not as trusting and romantic but eh. You give and take, that's what happens. I've taken more interest in my appearance and more outgoing. I use to be very insecure about myself, that I would never be good enough for anyone. That nobody wanted to date me because I was Asian without a flat stomach, small chested, and no social skills. Somehow, I managed to put on a front - that I believed I was attractive. Everyone would think it's hilarious and accept it because I have the impression of being a quiet, reserved Asian girl but then I come out as overly confident - vain, and blunt that it's a new fresh air and not too cocky I guess. I faked it til I made it, until I finally believed I was beautiful. The only reason I was looking back at the photos because I had pulled up stuff from the past was I wanted to show Keo what the streets of Vietnam looked like. Pretty excited if we're able to go this year. Ong ngoai and ba ngoai saw him on Skype and they seem pretty accepting. Grandma said remember to bring him back! Haha, I laughed. They've gone through - maybe three guys from me? Haha, yet not one as returned to meet them.
Giờ thì tôi chẳng quan tâm ai nói gìChẳng quan tâm ai nghĩ gìWho cares? Who cares?Who mind? Who mind?Niềm vui chỉ đến khi tôi là chính mìnhHãy cho tôi chút yên bìnhWho care? Who care? Who mind? Who mind?
