Letter to him D1

Linh Dieu Lam

Samantha Bell

Honors COMP I

29 August 2014

A Messed Up Love

Dear you,

Hey, how ya been? We haven't spoken in a while. Yeah, we ran into each other earlier this month at Carthage but we didn't exchange words, only glances - afraid to make eye contact. I thought in the 22 months since we've last met the emotions wouldn't be as strong but I was wrong. I knew there was the possibility that we would cross paths there but I push the thought aside because this was a Vietnamese event all the way in Joplin. The event lasted from Thursday morning until Sunday night, there were thousands of people, and the area was dark and vast. The chances were slim. I was in the front row, recording and snapping shots of the performers and having a good time until I spotted a familiar face on the other side of the crowd. I had to do a double take. Was that the face that haunted my dreams for months on end? Was that the face I loved so dearly? My chest tightened, adrenaline racing through my veins and a blurred vision I scoped around for an escape. Unable to fee, I had to swallow the tears and clutch onto my crumbling mask.

My eyes would flicker from the performers back to your face. You were still sporting that dark caramel hairstyle and the nerdy glasses you picked out to match with mine. You've filled out, in a nice way. There's a saying that when people are happy in relationships they gain weight. Is that true? You're happy with her? I scanned the crowd but I didn't see her - one less worry off my mind.

I could not continue living without you, or so I believed. I found myself in you, so losing you meant losing me as well. No one suspected that I would be the one dumped. They all thought it would be the other way around since it seemed as though I yield power in the relationship. What they didn’t realize is that you weren't perfect either. You would scream, scoff, growl, throw and bangs things violently, and kept me crying in your room – begging you to let me leave.

But I still held on, wanting to believe the boy I fell in love was somewhere in there. I relied completely on you. You were my best friend; you were the one I envisioned my future with, walking down the aisle and having children of our own. You were my mirror. I was closer to your family than my own. I felt as though my family was too critical and pessimistic so I connected to yours with greater ease. Surrounding and submerging myself in you and your life, I lost who I was.

It was my fault. I shouldn’t have gotten jealous; I shouldn’t have gotten insecure when you started spending less time with me, opting to chill with other pretty ladies. I should have cut off my friendship to other male friends. I should have dressed up more. I should’ve done more than decorate your room in apologies, cards, and gifts. It wasn’t enough to get off an 8 hour shift and drive to your house just to spend time with you until 2AM. My love was never enough because you were already sick of me.

I sunk in the abyss of depression. Everything was tasteless with a hint of bitterness. The world was bleak and silent. An honor roll student dropped to a barely passing student. Work became my sanctuary; alcohol was my daily pain killer, chugging down a bottle or two to wash away the tears. I lost my focus, thoughts wandering to a fantasy. I couldn’t bear a life without your essence so I attempted to end it. I failed, pulled back by my mother who I couldn’t open up to. Broken and tired, I cried in her arms without explanation while my 7 year old sister and 6 year old brother looked upon a sister who they’ve never seen shed tears, frighten and lost.

Nobody wanted to be there for me. All of our mutual friends, even the ones who had gotten to known me first turned their back to me. I was an outsider, scorn and judged. You were the perfect one. I, the corrupted. I heard from others that in the past when we were still together you would bag on me so it was you who tarnished my image, calling me a psycho bitch when I tried to prove my sincerity. I may have pointed out your flaws from time to time but whenever anyone dared speak ill of you, I came to your defense. 

You weren’t there for us though. I carried the burden of isolation, of the duties, and the nightmares of a murder instead of a beautiful child. You denied your child, doubting the truth, hoping that the issue would disappear. Only after that the deed was done that you showed remorse, stating that it was yours too. Bullshit. You were busy partying. Yeah, that’s right. I heard that you got drunk and was all over other girls. You never cared. Do you even know how old your child would be now? 15 fucken months and you would still be the same deadbeat you are now.

Then you got together with your cousin’s former girlfriend, who still had feelings for his former girlfriend. When we were together and they had issues, I never said shit about her yet she had the audacity to spit venom in my direction when we split. Excuse me? I drove that bitch’s ass home in during the devil’s hour after work for you. If I had known I would have left her stranded to die.  The witch brainwashed you to get over me faster, that you needed to take everything I’ve given you and burn it. How maleficent. She plays the victim card, afraid that I’d beat the shit out of her so she has to call up all these other people to safeguard her. Damn, she must have had a lot of time but funny thing is she never directly contacted me when she had the resources. Then again, I may kill her.

I hate you, I hate you for the things you’ve done to me but I love you for what you’ve given me. I’ll never lose myself too deeply in the illusion of love. My anger for you has motivated me to succeed. Scrap the bullshit of being a perfect housewife; I don’t cook for anyone anymore. I will have my revenge in reminding you of my success whether it is for harvesting the most DNA strands from pea plants, winning a scholarship overseas to be an ambassador, or obtaining my cosmetology license a couple of months after graduating high school. You’re still asking your mom for allowance, unmotivated to become anything in life.

I hope you get better. I hope you get off your ass and actually work a decent paying job. I hope that one day you’ll be happy and successful – but not more than me, that you’ll find the one who will mend your heart from the things I’ve put you through and keep a smile upon your face. I’m sure you’re curious as to what I’ve been up to since I can see you silently checking up on me from time to time. I’ve curious about you too but I don’t want to see something that’ll only cause me more pain so I avoid it. I still care about you; I still love you but not like how I use to. I hope you live well.

Sincerely,

The faded past.

DFL

Dear First Love,

                It’s been a while since we’ve communicate. Now, don’t get all worked up thinking that this psycho bitch wants to get back together. No, I’m doing alright so you can call the hounds off. I just want to catch up with an old friend. How are you? I’m doing alright, not that you’d care. 

Dear First Love,

There's so much to say yet I'm at a lost for words. Perhaps I should start out with the classic "how are you?" and then you'll reply half hardheartedly that you're fine but we both know our minds are racing at the speed of light yet our mouths are numb, unable to process the words our hearts want to say. It must have been a major shock seeing me again for the first time since the last time we saw each other was 22 months ago.

I admit, there were too many times I would dress up

Dear you,

Hey, how ya been? We haven't spoken in a while. Yeah, we ran into each other earlier this month at Carthage but we didn't exchange words, only glances - afraid to make eye contact. I thought in the 22 months since we've last met the emotions wouldn't be as strong but I was wrong. I knew there was the possibility that we would cross paths there but I push the thought aside because this was a Vietnamese event all the way in Joplin. The event lasted from Thursday morning until Sunday night, there were thousands of people, and the area was dark and vast. The chances was slim. I was in the front row, recording and snapping shots of the performers and having a good time until I spotted a familiar face on the other side of the crowd. I had to do a double take. Was that the face that haunted my dreams for months on end? Was that the face I loved so dearly? My chest tightened, adrenaline racing through my veins and a blurred vision I scoped around for an escape. Unable to fee, I had to swallow the tears and clutch onto my crumbling mask.

My eyes would flicker from the performers back to your face. You were still sporting that dark caramel hairstyle and the nerdy glasses you picked out to match with mine. You've filled out, in a nice way. There's a saying that when people are happy in relationships they gain weight. Is that true? You're happy with her? I scanned the crowd but I didn't see her - one less worry off my mind.

A lot has happened and I hope you're proud of who I've become.

Linh Dieu Lam

Samantha Bell

Honors COMP I

26 August 2014

I could not continue living without him, or so I believed. I found myself in him, so losing him meant losing me as well. No one suspected that I would be dumped by him. They all thought it would be the other way around since it seemed as though I yield power in the relationship. What they didn’t realize is that he wasn’t perfect either. He would scream, scoff, growl, throw and bangs things violently, and kept me crying in his room – begging him to let me leave.

But I still loved him. Now, how would a 16 year old know what love truly was? What is the difference between infatuation and love? What is love to begin with? I’m still not sure but I knew I loved him. If the very thing that completes me doesn’t love me anymore, what was I to do?

I relied completely on him. He was my best friend; he was who I envisioned my future with. He was my mirror. I was even closer to his family than my own. I felt as though my family was too critical and pessimistic so I connected to his with greater ease. Surrounding and submerging myself in him and his life, I lost who I was.

It was my fault. I shouldn’t have gotten jealous; I shouldn’t have gotten insecure when he started spending less time with me, opting to chill with other pretty ladies. I should have cut off my friendship to other male friends. I should have dressed up more. I should’ve done more than decorate your room in apologies, cards, and gifts. It wasn’t enough to get off an 8 hour shift and drive to his house to spend time with him until 2AM. My love was never enough for him because he was already sick of me.

I sunk in the abyss of depression. Everything was tasteless with a hint of bitterness. The world was bleak and silent. An honor roll student dropped to a barely passing student. Work became my sanctuary; alcohol was my daily pain killer, chugging down a bottle or two to wash away the tears. I lost my focus, thoughts wandering to a fantasy. I couldn’t bear a life without his essence so I attempted to end it. I failed, pulled back by my mother who I couldn’t open up to. Broken and tired, I cried in her arms without explanation while my 7 year old sister and 6 year old brother looked upon a sister who they’ve never seen shed tears, frighten and lost.

He was my prince, my sunshine. In order to grab his attention I went out more, stayed out until the rooster called, and filled the void in the my heart with materialistic matters.

Nobody wanted to be there for me. All of our mutual friends, even the ones who had gotten to known me first turned their back to me. I was an outsider, scorn and judged. He was the perfect one. I, the corrupted. I heard from others that in the past when we were still together he would bag on me so it was him who tarnished my image, calling me a psycho bitch when I tried to prove my sincerity. I may have pointed out his flaws from time to time but whenever anyone dared speak ill of him, I came to his defense. 

Draft 1

Linh Dieu Lam

Samantha Bell

Honors COMP I

26 August 2014

I could not continue living without him, or so I believed. I found myself in him, so losing him meant losing me as well. No one suspected that I would be dumped by him. They all thought it would be the other way around since it seemed as though I yield power in the relationship. What they didn’t realize is that he wasn’t perfect either. He would scream, scoff, growl, throw and bangs things violently, and kept me crying in his room – begging him to let me leave.

But I still loved him. Now, how would a 16 year old know what love truly was? What is the difference between infatuation and love? What is love to begin with? I’m still not sure but I knew I loved him. If the very thing that completes me doesn’t love me anymore, what was I to do?

I relied completely on him. He was my best friend; he was who I envisioned my future with. He was my mirror. I was even closer to his family than my own. I felt as though my family was too critical and pessimistic so I connected to his with greater ease. Surrounding and submerging myself in him and his life, I lost who I was.

I sunk in the abyss of depression. Everything was tasteless with a hint of bitterness. The world was bleak and silent.  

Photo update.

Congee with chicken, pork, and youtiao

Napping at work.

Pretty slow day, napped for a good hour or two at work. Finished my homework and read ahead in my classes.

Anger.

Majority of the time I am a mellow person. I am understanding and patient as a sleepy elephant seal. On the rare occasions I become irritated I'm not one to publicly announce my anger or "talk it out". Instead I am the type of person to push aside what bothered me only to let it manifest, eventually blowing up in the end. Meanwhile, my pain is essentially converted to anger. My breathing becomes fast paced, the adrenaline builds and the only thing I become concerned with is to harm the target - whether it be physically or mentally - usually my desire is to slam doors in their face, slap and hit them, and push them around. As the adrenaline slows down, I am still irritated of course so my intention turns from physical harm to mental harm. Now, I do not degrade the individual with vulgar language rather I simply state how my faith in them has changed. And in that sense, I am also attempting to train myself to care less - to invest less into the individual because I've come to a conclusion that the more I invest and become attached to a partner I start to expect only the best from them. When they disappoint me, a part of me becomes crushed. I placed them upon a pedestal which they are unworthy of. All the frilious promises and endearing words are nothing but bullshit. I need to stop believing such stupid promises and having high expectations. It only sets me up for disappointment and those tight feelings in my chest. 

After the adrenaline settles down, the tears come crashing down. Why? Frustration and disappointment. I have never been good at expressing emotions whether it be anger, sadness, or love in appropriate terms. As a child, being reserved was what was taught and expected so all I've known is withdrawing and confining myself in isolation. 

I'm not a good candidate for serious relationship investments. Once I become attached I care deeply that it drives me insane at certain points. A broken promise or having bad news broken to me takes a toll on my amgalya and I act out. Perhaps it is because I have such high expectations for the individual because I have high expectations from myself as well so when I get disappointed I feel cheated. I am not fit for a relationship because the expectations I have for the individuals are high in a relationship, because I cannot control my disappointment and hurt by my partner, because I need to learn to control my hurt so that it doesn't escalate into anger. 

The only way I know how is to not care which would result in a relationship that is not invested in, dead. With that being said, the more times I get disappointed the less I care for the other person and the more I am willing to let go and move on. 

College Bound.

First day of school.
Things were alright, except until the end where I got a professor with a really heavy accent that I just cannot decipher. I mean, I've had previous experience with Indian accents because of working 2-3 years with Tim but oh my goodness this lady talks loud but too fast and her pronunciation. Gah! I really am wanting to switch to another professor if possible. Fingers crossed!

Attended Le Vu Lan friday night, heading off to work at SDN tomorrow even though it was originally suppose to be my day off to do homework plus I had promised Chris that I'd kick it with him tomorrow too. Didn't remember til he texted me the day before to confirm but I had already told the boss that I'd work for her on Tuesday since I had plans on Monday(tonight). Hopefully I'll be raking in the dough tomorrow!

きゅんきゅんした。

Maybe this was a sign? The other night in my dream, my boyfriend had the very same personality and name except for one thing - he looked exactly like my former boyfriend. The gingery, chestnut hair, slightly plump pecs, and a semi hard stomach. He was still the same person, sweet and giving but then again so was my former - at least in the beginning when he still loved me. 

Got mixed up with the times yesterday. Was told to get off at 6:30PM, not be home by 6:30PM so we left later than desired. Rushed home, changed out of my stinky clothes into shorts and a loose top, spritz on perfume and out the door I went. I looked so gross heh. Spent most of the time in the car trying to nap, listen to Pandora or at least try since once we got way out into the country side my internet wouldn't work. Arrived around 9:30PM, went around and ate. Jasmine got bun bo hue, Randi got com ga sweet and spicy while the rest of us got pho. Grabbed boba afterwards and walked around some more. Went by the souvenir stands, noticed that their parasols are made differently now. Decided to go over to the cypher area and watch for a bit. Saw Josh and thought nothing too major, more of oh hey it's him. Snapped a few photos of the dancers and recorded a snippet of the dancing. Then, after 20 or so minutes of watching the dancers BAM my eyes rested on a familiar face. 

I'm not sure if he recognized or spotted me but either way I was at the very front of the crowd while he was across from me, in the second row. He clearly had time to prepare and dress himself up. He's gotten a bit meat on him now but in a way he looked familiar yet still off. In the short amount of time, I felt so many different things and thoughts flew through my mind. I had a tightening feeling in my chest, excited, but also scared. This was the first time seeing him again in 18 months. Did he feel the same way? Awkward, shocked, irritation? I doubt it. I wanted to flee. I could feel the moisture building up in my eyes, wanting to roll towards gravity. In the beginning after noticing him, he seemed indifferent but after a while I'd catch myself wandering over to that direction and over time, it appeared as though he was trying to hide behind the girl in front of him. Hiding his face and lowering it. I don't understand? Even after leaving, there was still a slight tightness in my chest. I guess I can safely say things are not normal - at least for me. I'm still grieving over a broken dream, a broken past but at the same time I'm moving forward. It was a beautiful, blurry memory with a bittersweet aftertaste. Memories are fading, and certain touches are becoming a blur. 

The car ride back was more pleasant. I was able to fit in the backseat, laid out and curled up with a blanket - being able to comfortably drift to sleep. A rare and sweet experience, having my hair stroked as I fell asleep. Got dropped off at 3:02AM, was so dead. Quickly brushed my teeth, washed my face, stripped out and into a t-shirt and off to bed I went. I wasn't able to fall asleep until 3:41AM though. Got up at 7:50AM and ready for work. So dead, thought about grabbing coffee but I was in a hurry. Hung out at FT for a bit before getting called over to Polished since they were "busy". Meh, it was better than other days recently. 

Cont. Education.

Got off early to make it in time to JCCC. Ran around the building trying to figure out what exactly I needed to enroll into Honors COMP I. I had a 97 cumulative based from the COMPASS test so I did fulfill the requirement of having either a 25 ACT score or a 90 on the placement test. Finally a lady told me that I had to take the writing assessment test so I was like okay, whatever fits the bill and get me the class. Took it within' 30 minutes and got a 98% when the requirement was a 90% so I gotta say, my English is pretty swell for a "non-native" speaker lawl. So now I have Principles of Cell and Molecular Biology with lecture and lab work, Honors COMP I, and Trig - part time yet I still have a 7 hour day sigh. If only there were earlier availability than I would be able to shorten my school day to 5 hours and be out by 1PM and head to work. Oh well. Got all my school supplies and textbook ordered and out of the way. Now I have to wait for my FA to kick in or fork over a percentage of the credit payments. Fun fun sheet.

Dark Cloud.

Not sure why but lately I've just been in an unhappy mood. The previous days it was more like irked while today is more gloomy and sad like I could have tears falling at any moment. Most likely my hormones acting up but it doesn't help anything when it looks like I'm about to drown in a puddle of tears.

Went up to JCCC yesterday morning. Signed up for my classes, part time yet each day I have 8 hours of school gah. Trying to switch my English class at 3PM to 1PM so then I could get out by 3PM instead of 4PM. The English department chair isn't picking up though so I'm getting a bit antsy plus I need to buy my textbooks ASAP. Afterwards went to cafe vie for pho and ddeobokkie. The pho was delish but the ddeobokkie was dry, not very elastic, and the fish cakes tasted bland. I would definitely go back for the pho but I'd go to Sobahn for the ddeobokkie though. 

The more I remember, the more I realize I should've known. What is truly a friend? They use you as a time killer. You should do the same in return to avoid getting too attached. I have zero female friends left. They're all occupied with themselves and boys. That's okay, I need to do the same with myself. Everyone is selfish in their own motives. 

Post Wisdom Teeth

Welp, had my wisdom teeth taken out a little over a week ago. My chipmunk cheeks have vanished and my face is back to normal. I have noticed that my face is smaller vertically so my "V-shape" is less prominent which is fine I guess. Finally figured out the cause of my bad breath - dried blood in the back molars which my toothbrush couldn't reach and food particles stuck in the wisdom teeth extration sites. Now, my oral surgeon didn't give me a syringe to clean it for fear of overcleansing resulting in a dry socket therefore I took one of the medicine syringes and gently flood my "holes" until everything flows out like magic haha. This takes a while, especially on the right side since it is hidden by an ulcer. So brushing my teeth has extended from the normal 10 minutes to 25 plus an extra 30 to flush my holes. Damn that's a long time but I'm pretty anal about my holes remaining clean and odor. 

School starts next week and I still have to take my science placement test as well as see if I can test into intermediate Japanese. The English classes are pretty filled up and the science classes I want to take I'm not sure if it is needed for a B.S in biology? Merp, still unsure because of the possibility of going overseas and mama really wants me to get my surgery done and over with it. Says I'll finally look prettier and she won't be as worried when I drive at night lol. 

Works been alright, need to be faster with gel polish and eventually learn acrylic along with acrylic 3D design. I don't have anybody to practice on though which is a downside because to really get any experience is to do it on real hands because everybody has different types of nails, nail plates and so on. Haven't been as happy or at ease at work with my paycheck getting so much taken out from taxes and all the other little nitpickings and the fact that I'm still at the bottom of the food chain since gel polish is still hesistant and that as more nail technicians get hired the more my paycheck dwindles as students head back to school and the weather becomes cooler. Around this area it's wealthy but there's so much coupons going on and discounts and such. I need to find another shop but I'm not sure which one to call up and the issue that I have anxiety when it comes to new jobs, new people, and routine. Sigh.