So excited! After a long ass time of juggling different jobs, high school, and beauty school I'm finally graduating! I'm so happy and proud of myself for taking this step to improve my future and myself as a whole. I have more options to take in life and I have come a long way from who I use to be. Even my clients tell me that I'm going somewhere in life and that the one who lost me in the past is foolish and dumb. That I'm moving on, becoming something great, and that I'm the ideal girl that a man who kill for. So touched! I'm also thankful for him putting up with my late school nights, my crankiness from the 13 hour school days, and my neediness. :)
Officially a full time employee, exam in two weeksish. <3
My 12 hour school day got cut short to 8 hours since my dad came to get me since he had just got off and it was raining nonstop. They were worried about me driving home late at night while it's pouring. I was able to do a full set of tips and wraps on Faii but they weren't the best of my ability since I had to rush. Did a hot oil manicure as well as a pedicure with nail art so it was a pretty productive day I must say. Watched a bunch of sad short films and Asian commercials that I just sat and cried for an hour and a half. So sad.
Regular day at work. Had another client try to request me on the weekdays since she had a HS reunion that weekend but I wouldn't be in. Darn it. Already having 2 clients try to request and book an appointment with me but it kinda just doesn't work out. Maybe next time. It wasn't super busy like yesterday but I was kept occupied without much down time to eat or anything so it was alright. Went to the pool afterwards and now I'm finishing up my project.
Và kể tư ngày chứng ta chấm dứt hết mọi mói liên lạc
Thì 1 ngày qua đối với em rất là vô nghĩa
Thỉnh thoảng em vẫn 1 mình đi tới những nơi cũ,ngồi ở đó tìm kiếm những kỉ niệm..
Còn anh thì sao?
Did some thinking as well. Did you think I wouldn't find out? Maybe I'm being selfish for feeling the way I am but you dear are a crappy friend. If I got together with one of his buddies how would you feel? Yeah, I'm pretty sure you'd feel like shit and insecure as well. I should've never tried to be your friend. I should've never brought you along. I regret all this shit but hey, I'll learn from this mistake.
I use to be very assertive and aggressive when it came to feelings and relationships. What happened to me? I'm so passive and nonchalant now, kinda like I don't even really care. Back then, I use to wait by my phone for a response and get pretty worked up if I didn't get a response back within' a two minute time frame yet nowadays I even forget to reply for hours or days if not at all. I was somewhat wishy washy as well. I'd bottle up my emotions and every little thing would bother me but I'd try to swallow it in vain only to blow up later. Now, I either tell it like it is or the matter is so trivial that I don't care about it 10 minutes later. I guess I was more invested and sure of what I desired, now I'm like meh. I'm already piled up in my own affairs and if it seems like I'm not important enough then I'll just move on to the next one - kinda like speed dating except I do it just for the funny quirks instead of really trying to find something and make it work. I was a coward as well, very dependent on my former guy. I depended on him for almost everything, taking me places, teaching me how to be social and such. I don't know how he put up with me but then again I don't know how I put up with him either, nor why I still think of how he was in the beginning instead of how he is now. Weird?
I am more independent in a way now. I know my ways - plus I can drive certain highways now(WOOT!), I'm furthering my education in all spectrum, I've gone out of my comfort zone(Sonic) and taken on a variety of jobs, actually put an effort in my appearance, socializing with new people after being a hermit attached to him, and basically moving forward in life. I believe in a sense, what motivates me to be successful is the hope that he'll recognize me, that somewhere inside of him he'd be proud of the person I've become, almost a bit envious per say? But that's total rubbish because it's not true and never will be. I need to realize that and stop my brain from being wired this way. Yeah, it's a nice motivation but I should base my goals and actions on myself rather than on somebody's reaction.
In my time of healing, I had lost a lot of weight. It was scary. My mental state was unstable, depression; grades drop, the whole she-bang. A bit of time afterwards I started to take the initiative to feel better about myself. That's when I became a shopaholic, buying useless things and dressing myself better to cover how shitty I felt inside. Still got that issue heh. I've become less attached to people in general, even friends don't hold that special spot in my heart like they use to because the connection is just so fragile. It can be damaged and broken at anytime plus how do I know if they're true or fake?
Family, I get along better with them now. I guess it's because they can see how much I invest into myself. I don't bother with boys as much and I'm focused on my education as well as my finances. They've know that I know how much stupid love can wreck a person and how harden I am. They can see how hesitant I am in believing boys so they're at ease. Then again, they know that I won't let them influence who I date or marry - except I really do not want to marry anyone. Even with an arranged marriage, I will not condone. Back then, I might have just to stop feeling lost and lonely but fuck that now. I'd rather date around.
There were people who said that I'm not over my ex since I didn't date anyone afterwards, which was like a year or so. What's wrong with being single? Absolutely nothing. I shouldn't have let them pressure me into dating. I'm still young, I can take my time and choose whoever I desire. So what if I'm not over someone? Not their issue nor their place to judge. Maybe I'll never be over that person, maybe I will be in a week or month or however long. Who knows?
By dating when I wasn't ready, I set people up for false hopes - that I'm fully functional without flaws or issues like a mechanic doll. This doll won't wind up, she won't sing or dance. She's just kinda there. I placed hurt and baggage upon that person and he doesn't deserve that. I have a lot of issues and buried tension with a lot of people that'll cut down his networking. I'm too much of a realist while he's more of an optimist. So young, so naive. I, so harden and old. Burdening and suffocating his youth. He was a really great friend. I could open up to him without fear but I don't think we were meant to be together in a relationship. I am not capable of loving someone. I am bitter, I am neglectful, and I am still lost. But I am grateful for his patience when he has it, for the affection, love, and care he has shown to me. Although I'm still a bitter hag, my trust in people isn't as damaged and broken as it was before - just by a tiny bit.
Not sure why I had to have two of those dreams in a row involving him. I can't quite remember it but in the first one he had platinum blonde hair with a funky style: big black shirts and black pants. Somewhat of a black gangster without the ghettoness. Weird. Apparently he had been watching me from a far all this time and he just couldn't forget me. He even watched me when I was out with other people. Weeeeeird and slightly creepy. He was begging me to get back together, not sure why? He was all like oh, I still love you, please let's get back together. Honestly, I was super shocked and happy but deep down I felt pretty lost. First off, why? Second, I can't because I'm already being treated well so what if I return to him and things just fall apart again? I don't want to hurt anyone. In the second dream, I was moving to this area that was under construction and it was all fancy with a strong sense of community. For some reason I was sledding on a cardboard box with someone else across a railroad track? I don't even know. But he was in it for a brief moment. Why am I having these odd type of dreams? It's outrageous that would never in a million years cross neither of our minds. Why am I even still concerned with being on his family's good side? To make things short and simple, it's pretty much sucking up but what for? I have no reason and I'm sure they don't want to hear from me either deep down since it's most likely awkward for them.
Not sure why I have such a soft spot for him. It's been so long and so many of the memories I thought I could never forget - I've pretty much forgotten to the point that I mistake memories with different guys together. It's embarrassing sometimes heh.
On the topic of boys. I have no problem hanging out and talking to guys but when they try to force me to make time for them it gets me irritated. I suck ball sacks when it comes to messaging and texting. Please, don't expect to hit me up on FB or text and have a huge conversation come out of it. I am a lazy poop who will reply with one word messages on fb and I will take hours if not days to respond to texts especially if we're not close. Making plans to hang out - don't make it too close to the future or too far in the distant. My schedule is pretty jammed pack. 53 hours of school on weekdays and then my weekends filled with work from morning to night. I have no life and pretty much no social life. I just want to finish school as fast as possible so I can work more, but also have a day for resting. Truthfully, I don't want to go out. I want to work as much as possible, further my education, and obtain what I desire. I guess in a way I'm motivated to prove him wrong. For him to see what he's missing out on and that I've become a better person than I was back then, that I'm actually something to be proud of and desired. Another reason why I've become a shopaholic haha. I guess what I'm getting at is if someone wants to hang, I'd prefer to hang out for a couple of hours for one activity - not the whole evening and please don't try to force it because I'm not interested in getting with anyone. This isn't directed to any of my buds either, it's just some guys who try hard to hang out and get all mopey when I decline because I'm busy. They say they just wanna hang but they be throwin' compliments at me like bread crumbs to a flock of Canadian geese. o _ e;
Tiring day of work and going out with family afterwards.
