2 in 1 Post Break-Up.

Had a very off putting dream last night. I can't remember it all except for the vivid parts that contained a lot of emotions. Somehow I had an attachment with Corey. It was as if I still felt possession over him, as if we were together or had just broken up. I got extremely jealous, finding out that he had someone else from an online writing. It was either SH or JL and damn did I get violent. Choking, bloody faces, cuts, and bruises all because of jealousy over the chance of a budding relationship. I don't know what this dream was foreshadowing nor do I care much for it lol. Been so busy and don't see any significance in understanding it atm.
Another part was in an isolated, foreign land with Mikeo again. I think it's because lately the memory of us walking in Nha Trang with fireworks keeps popping into my mind randomly. I don't know why it's that memory and why it's been coming up. We were with Uncle Pedro and something with cliffs and yellow leaves and trees. I thought about FT for the last time since we were together but he was distant and I brushed it off. There was a painful emotion but I just kind of ignored it. I remember him walking away in front of me in a red/pink sweater.
There was a scene where there were unwanted puppies as well. I befriended this little black brown pug. Usually I don't like pugs but I was drawn to him and just kind of took him in. There was something wrong with him but I still found myself gravitating towards him. Something in him just made me feel less sad.

I don't understand these dreams nor the reason for having it but I figured I'd write it down before I forget. Perhaps I'll have enough time to dissect it later on. I feel like it's trying to tell me something that I've been turning a blind eye to, perhaps underlying emotions since the break up. I don't want to think about it though.

Paralyzed with fear and emptiness.

I thought I'd be more unstable but I guess I've matured/learned. There's some sort of chemical that overcomes me. It has a numbing, bee sting sensation from head to toes/fingers. It has a similar feeling to when I start thinking about death - paralyzed with fear. The feelings I feel from time to time, a sense of boredom and sadness. I think it may be a relapse of mild depression I tend to have. 

I don't know if I'm in the denial stage or what. I just know that I'll have moments where I'll be doing a  customer and randomly tears would start flowing down while I'd be scrubbing their feet. My very last customer today, we had a short chat and it really helped opening up to her. She told me about her similar situation with her husband 6 months ago. I don't know what action I'd do but it was nice knowing that everything will work out eventually in different or similar ways. In the end, she gave me a hug and told me to hang in there - everything will be ok. I needed that physical comfort. 

Whirlwind of buzzing emotions.

So it finally happened. I had been thinking about us lately as well, wondering what direction we were headed in. I never thought you were ahead of me. I thought about it, but there was always a part of me that didn't want to give you up even though it seemed like we were in a rut. I wasn't ready that's for sure. Perhaps it'll do good for the both of us. There's this numbing, twisted knot in my stomach. I can't tell if it's my emotions or the alcohol haha. I think I did better coping this time around. I was rash and didn't cry too much nor have any irrational thoughts. The drinks definitely calmed down my nerves for a bit. I'm still unable to sleep though. Hopefully I can make it to work tomorrow. I have a lot on my mind but I'm unsure how to dissect it.