I had a better unnerving dream last night. There was a part where I was at some sort of event/play. I was getting changed behind the scenes and somehow there was an immediate danger - something about a gunman on the loose. There was chaos and fear. Fast forward, there was a huge, bare tree where his cousin and family were living - like the one in Shrek's swamp. Later on I dreamt that I was in my bed, under my pink covers sleeping. I turn over to the side, expecting to cuddle my rilakkuma but turned out to be a person. I expected it to be him. Opening my eyes it was his bail out buddy. Turns out he was there to "fill-in" for my partner. Turns out the fuck boy and him switch places - taking his place behind bars and in return fuck boy would "take care" of my partner's family and matters. I was pretty pissed at both. I ended up punching him in the face as soon as those words slipped his mouth while in my bed. Angry that he did that, sacrificing himself over and over again for people he shouldn't along with our future. Angry that the fuck boy just let him do that, always weaseling and taking advantage of him. That leech with his twisted words. He can never separate himself from those people, never and that angers me - frustrates me. And the fact that he gets upset about it towards me drives me further away as well. I don't know what's up with my subconscious. So many dreams lately involving his cousin and him. There's this unsettling emotion that won't rest in my gut. A cloud of sorrow looms over me constantly.
Not only is my subconscious playing games with me but I'm having a moment of difficult with reality as well. We don't spend much time together anymore nor do we conversate like back then. He's more social now which is fine except the fact that he's not with me anymore. Everything seems like there's a "use to" or "anymore" attached to it. We hardly hang out, when we do - are we actually connecting with each other? Laughing WITH each other, gardening new, precious memories? It's so tiring, this emotion over and over again. I keep pushing it away, locking it up deep inside but time and time again it creeps back up like sewage.
The absence of physical presence and feeling of being desired/missed, the knowledge of association that can't be severed, the social activity distributed to others all just knock me down. Takes my breath. Tight throat, somber mindset, with goosebumps I lay motionless. Twisting and turning in agony, fighting to oppress the feelings that overcome and thoughts that seep into my mind like slime.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Monday, May 30, 2016
Current life status.
Attended my first Sunday class today. It was pretty intense. There was more males than females this time around versus my other classes. It was super crazy. There were so many push - ups, endless stairs, squats, cardio, and much more. My face was so red and sweaty within' the first 10 minutes because of the intensity. All the guys were pretty big and definitely lifted and I was this little scrawny chick haha. I can still feel the soreness in my legs and thighs. Immediately went to work right after too so more bending afterwards was a real delight. The life guard that held the door for me as I left was a real cutie though teehee.
I bought two additions to my growing herb family. Bought a chocolate mint and yerba buena. I'm a bit disappointed that I don't know the exact subspecies YB is since yerba buena is just a name for a group of aromatic spearmint. It has a mintier smell to it than my julep and round, smooth leaves. The stems do not get as dark purple or hard as the julep. I would love to get my hands on apple mint or even try pineapple mint. I'm so into gardening and this whole facade of mint. I wish I knew we were growing mint before since our backyard was basically all mint instead of grass lol. Dad kept saying it was basil so I never bothered with it. My current mission is to obtain curly mint. I heard they're really fragrant along with undertones of sweetness to it. I made a concoction of chocolate mint, julep mint, and YB + 1/6 of lime juice infused water. It really does taste a lot like that V8 infused cucumber, lemon, mint water I bought at Walgreens. Taste like canh chua but it really does detox the intestines. I just wish it detox'ed my face. I'm not sure why my face is starting to get a few dark spots and blemishes when I'm hardly ever outside. Maybe they're little mosquito bites or whatever when I'm asleep or not paying attention lol.
Currently debating on taking the kids to another class tomorrow morning since I'll be skipping an hour of work - arriving late. Seems like it'll be another intense workout class. It'll be good for me to work out again but damn my legs are tired and I'm just thinking of money right now lol.
Life's been pretty okay. I work everyday from open to close. When I'm try and there's time I take the kids to workout lessons to tone up. I haven't really had any time to connect with any friends or him. It kinda feels like we're in a lifeless relationship. We don't talk about anything except manual things if asked. Doesn't seem like either one of us misses each other. If we were to separate it wouldn't interrupt our daily life it appears. If I feel up to texting him to see what he's up to, I'll get a response but that's pretty much it. No deep conversation or connection. It pretty much dies until he mentions later on that he's ready for bed - call, then he falls asleep. No talk of our day or anything. I'm not bothered much by it anymore. Just see it as a pity - shame. That's the whole point of being in a relationship isn't it? To BE desired, to feel missed, love, to connect and grow together. I feel none. It's pretty platonic. Sometimes I'm unsure if it's just a stage where both parties grow comfortable and start finding themselves again or if it's a sign that we're not meant to be. There's also a saying that with love, it's normal for the spark to die - it's up to both sides to constantly keep choosing that person and keep recalling in love with each other. There's so many arguments from others and I just never know which theory is correct and which to follow.
I bought two additions to my growing herb family. Bought a chocolate mint and yerba buena. I'm a bit disappointed that I don't know the exact subspecies YB is since yerba buena is just a name for a group of aromatic spearmint. It has a mintier smell to it than my julep and round, smooth leaves. The stems do not get as dark purple or hard as the julep. I would love to get my hands on apple mint or even try pineapple mint. I'm so into gardening and this whole facade of mint. I wish I knew we were growing mint before since our backyard was basically all mint instead of grass lol. Dad kept saying it was basil so I never bothered with it. My current mission is to obtain curly mint. I heard they're really fragrant along with undertones of sweetness to it. I made a concoction of chocolate mint, julep mint, and YB + 1/6 of lime juice infused water. It really does taste a lot like that V8 infused cucumber, lemon, mint water I bought at Walgreens. Taste like canh chua but it really does detox the intestines. I just wish it detox'ed my face. I'm not sure why my face is starting to get a few dark spots and blemishes when I'm hardly ever outside. Maybe they're little mosquito bites or whatever when I'm asleep or not paying attention lol.
Currently debating on taking the kids to another class tomorrow morning since I'll be skipping an hour of work - arriving late. Seems like it'll be another intense workout class. It'll be good for me to work out again but damn my legs are tired and I'm just thinking of money right now lol.
Life's been pretty okay. I work everyday from open to close. When I'm try and there's time I take the kids to workout lessons to tone up. I haven't really had any time to connect with any friends or him. It kinda feels like we're in a lifeless relationship. We don't talk about anything except manual things if asked. Doesn't seem like either one of us misses each other. If we were to separate it wouldn't interrupt our daily life it appears. If I feel up to texting him to see what he's up to, I'll get a response but that's pretty much it. No deep conversation or connection. It pretty much dies until he mentions later on that he's ready for bed - call, then he falls asleep. No talk of our day or anything. I'm not bothered much by it anymore. Just see it as a pity - shame. That's the whole point of being in a relationship isn't it? To BE desired, to feel missed, love, to connect and grow together. I feel none. It's pretty platonic. Sometimes I'm unsure if it's just a stage where both parties grow comfortable and start finding themselves again or if it's a sign that we're not meant to be. There's also a saying that with love, it's normal for the spark to die - it's up to both sides to constantly keep choosing that person and keep recalling in love with each other. There's so many arguments from others and I just never know which theory is correct and which to follow.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Post Finals.
So, I got a B for my final math grade. Super siked! Gah, I worked hard for that B lol. Archery, I'm disappointed in because I never missed any classes PLUS I hit bullseye during my warm up rounds but I didn't score those shots since I was greedy and thought I could do better. Got tired and my shots ended up getting worse. Sigh. Oh well, it's fine. The rest of my grades I got A's so I'm pretty happy with that. Just want to get the rest of my GPA up and somehow choose a few dates to go shadow.
Only thing that's got me down is how the other night, some asshole broke into my car and stole the 6ft apple charger Keo got me, and my iPhone 6s box. Too bad I took out my phone ass wipes. My new charger and earbuds were still intact and in the box though - damn. Pissed off about that. I don't get why they didn't just take the whole box but bothered in throwing out the covers that are in the box? Fucken dipshits. Hope they get bit by a tick with Lyme.
Been going to more group classes and it's pretty fun. Went to my first Yoga lesson on Monday and the instructor was super sweet! It was really relaxing and I felt like I could keep up pretty well being new and all. Attended a dance class this evening and it was a bit confusing since I walked in 10 minutes late(left work late) but I got the hang of it after a while. Only thing I never got was when he was doing some walk with having the left cross the front? I noticed that I was tense and my movements were not as fluid as desired compared to in yoga . I'm very movement awkward lol. I did sweat a whole lot more than in yoga though. Can't wait to attend another class!
Only thing that's got me down is how the other night, some asshole broke into my car and stole the 6ft apple charger Keo got me, and my iPhone 6s box. Too bad I took out my phone ass wipes. My new charger and earbuds were still intact and in the box though - damn. Pissed off about that. I don't get why they didn't just take the whole box but bothered in throwing out the covers that are in the box? Fucken dipshits. Hope they get bit by a tick with Lyme.
Been going to more group classes and it's pretty fun. Went to my first Yoga lesson on Monday and the instructor was super sweet! It was really relaxing and I felt like I could keep up pretty well being new and all. Attended a dance class this evening and it was a bit confusing since I walked in 10 minutes late(left work late) but I got the hang of it after a while. Only thing I never got was when he was doing some walk with having the left cross the front? I noticed that I was tense and my movements were not as fluid as desired compared to in yoga . I'm very movement awkward lol. I did sweat a whole lot more than in yoga though. Can't wait to attend another class!
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Another dream.
Came to my humanities class, a bit freaked out because I couldn't match the instrumental I remembered with the titles but turns out I didn't have to come! The total amount of points out of the semester was 600 but I had over 662 so he owned me points haha. That's with me forgetting to turn in the extra credit essay over "Hana-Bi" as well even though I had done it and it was in my backpack. A lot of stress lifted from my chest but I'm still scared about math. I seem to be coping better with stress and being able to remember what I've learned at least with indefinite and definite integrals. Just worried about related rates, optimization and a few others which will definitely be on the final. I wonder how many problems are on there?
Had the oddest dream last night, not sure if it's because I was talking about the topic with a friend before I went to bed. In the beginning of my dream it was horrible. There were these 3 fallen angels dressed in black leather material who were chasing down my family and I, for some reason wanting to destroy us. I had a hard time convincing my family to leave asap til it was almost too late - fire falling upon our heels (most likely because my friend told me about Lot's Wife). We crossed bodies of water, reaching a destination of an isolated house upon a hill sort of thing. The house was small but very nicely supplied and decorated. There were two levels and the square feet was probably about the size of half my house(living room + dining room). Everything was tidy and worked fine as if somebody had been living there. I closed all the blinds of the windows(really big windows, the wall was basically all window) but kept it a crack so that we could look out but the angels wouldn't be able to look in. It was really scary. I kept trying to wake up - and which I did in a fright and fell back asleep with some trouble.
The second dream I had concerned him again, probably because I had been talking about former friends and connections. It was in an open mall sort of area, kind of like Market 1 in Mong Cai. I bumped into his little sister and she asked if I wanted to be his friend again which I admitted and she said she would somehow help? She ended up making a coloring/drawing booklet with quotes and I guess she left it in sight so that he would see it. He got upset/angry at first, demanding who did it. His sister admitted she did. Then somehow he soften up, flipping through the booklet consisting of notebook paper stapled together and colored with markers(front page was mostly yellow, reds and pinks outlining the outside). I just stood there, tensed up and fearful of rejection and backlash for my friendly desire. I guess she wrote something in there that sparked something in his mind because without me saying anything he appeared normal again like he did back then. We walked for a bit and he offered to teach me Laos/Thai - something I had to beg for during our relationship. We both laughed at my failed pronunciation, it was fun and I enjoyed it. There was no feeling or thought of romanticism just happiness with the connection and reunion of an old friend.
I wonder why I am the only one who feels this way? Somewhere deep in me there's a sense of guilt as well, that perhaps I was not nice or open enough. Is it because I really had done something wrong or am I just too soft that I tend to place the blame upon myself? Do I just naturally have a soft spot for my first? I don't know.
Had the oddest dream last night, not sure if it's because I was talking about the topic with a friend before I went to bed. In the beginning of my dream it was horrible. There were these 3 fallen angels dressed in black leather material who were chasing down my family and I, for some reason wanting to destroy us. I had a hard time convincing my family to leave asap til it was almost too late - fire falling upon our heels (most likely because my friend told me about Lot's Wife). We crossed bodies of water, reaching a destination of an isolated house upon a hill sort of thing. The house was small but very nicely supplied and decorated. There were two levels and the square feet was probably about the size of half my house(living room + dining room). Everything was tidy and worked fine as if somebody had been living there. I closed all the blinds of the windows(really big windows, the wall was basically all window) but kept it a crack so that we could look out but the angels wouldn't be able to look in. It was really scary. I kept trying to wake up - and which I did in a fright and fell back asleep with some trouble.
The second dream I had concerned him again, probably because I had been talking about former friends and connections. It was in an open mall sort of area, kind of like Market 1 in Mong Cai. I bumped into his little sister and she asked if I wanted to be his friend again which I admitted and she said she would somehow help? She ended up making a coloring/drawing booklet with quotes and I guess she left it in sight so that he would see it. He got upset/angry at first, demanding who did it. His sister admitted she did. Then somehow he soften up, flipping through the booklet consisting of notebook paper stapled together and colored with markers(front page was mostly yellow, reds and pinks outlining the outside). I just stood there, tensed up and fearful of rejection and backlash for my friendly desire. I guess she wrote something in there that sparked something in his mind because without me saying anything he appeared normal again like he did back then. We walked for a bit and he offered to teach me Laos/Thai - something I had to beg for during our relationship. We both laughed at my failed pronunciation, it was fun and I enjoyed it. There was no feeling or thought of romanticism just happiness with the connection and reunion of an old friend.
I wonder why I am the only one who feels this way? Somewhere deep in me there's a sense of guilt as well, that perhaps I was not nice or open enough. Is it because I really had done something wrong or am I just too soft that I tend to place the blame upon myself? Do I just naturally have a soft spot for my first? I don't know.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Finals.
So I'm pretty much stressing out and can't recall any of the math I've learned even though I've done so well compared to last semester. I legit cannot even or odd right now. Perhaps it's just my anxiety keeping me from calming down and focusing so I'm just gonna take a little break. Breath, and let my emotions and thoughts flow - hopefully that let some steam and anxiety out of my system.
Already took my history final and only studied for it after work on Sunday haha. Spent a portion writing up my very last extra credit essay as well. Went to bed after 3AM and got back up at 7AM to get ready. I remembered a lot of the material but I'm just fearful I didn't do the chronology section correctly. In the essay sections, I'm pretty sure I covered a good chunk of America's prosperity but the second essay I'm a little nervous. I feel like I mention the key points and figures but I wasn't able to fully elaborate and explain their significance. I was also the last person to finish with only 10 minutes till the cut off time.
Got my math and humanities finals tomorrow bright and early as usual. Been so focused on my math but I'm sure I will do well on my humanities since my grade is already really high and the topic doesn't scare me too much except for sonatas. He only has 600 points for the whole semester yet I already have 662 points since the last test(he still has to input extra credit + worksheets from then). So I'm not worried. I'll probably just glance over the questions before going in.
The other night I had a pretty pleasant dream. I was happy with my current partner and all but nothing intimate. I can't remember it clearly anymore but my ex contacted me and basically said that we needed to talk. I was confused but it was whatever to me. I was still getting mixed signals but he was a whole lot more friendly in body language and aura than compared to our post break up. He never directly spoke to me in person but his eyes showed sincerity and his body language was more soft. There was no romantic connection or thought at all but inside I was really happy. Relieved that someone who had been so significant in my life before was coming back into it but in a different aspect. I was going to have my friend again. It was nice. Now, I'm sure that won't happen at least not for a long time if ever although I'd like to think it will someday. I've tried to mend the relationship and be friends again but there's just some sort of resentment he holds against me which is fine I suppose.
Back to studying now, break over haha. Wish me luck!
Already took my history final and only studied for it after work on Sunday haha. Spent a portion writing up my very last extra credit essay as well. Went to bed after 3AM and got back up at 7AM to get ready. I remembered a lot of the material but I'm just fearful I didn't do the chronology section correctly. In the essay sections, I'm pretty sure I covered a good chunk of America's prosperity but the second essay I'm a little nervous. I feel like I mention the key points and figures but I wasn't able to fully elaborate and explain their significance. I was also the last person to finish with only 10 minutes till the cut off time.
Got my math and humanities finals tomorrow bright and early as usual. Been so focused on my math but I'm sure I will do well on my humanities since my grade is already really high and the topic doesn't scare me too much except for sonatas. He only has 600 points for the whole semester yet I already have 662 points since the last test(he still has to input extra credit + worksheets from then). So I'm not worried. I'll probably just glance over the questions before going in.
The other night I had a pretty pleasant dream. I was happy with my current partner and all but nothing intimate. I can't remember it clearly anymore but my ex contacted me and basically said that we needed to talk. I was confused but it was whatever to me. I was still getting mixed signals but he was a whole lot more friendly in body language and aura than compared to our post break up. He never directly spoke to me in person but his eyes showed sincerity and his body language was more soft. There was no romantic connection or thought at all but inside I was really happy. Relieved that someone who had been so significant in my life before was coming back into it but in a different aspect. I was going to have my friend again. It was nice. Now, I'm sure that won't happen at least not for a long time if ever although I'd like to think it will someday. I've tried to mend the relationship and be friends again but there's just some sort of resentment he holds against me which is fine I suppose.
Back to studying now, break over haha. Wish me luck!
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