Game Over.

I'm guessing it's finally over? No more ill feelings towards me because you don't care anymore and the same goes for me. It's a kind of bittersweet thing. We had a pretty nice story but like all stories, there is an end and ours was tragic. Looking back and looking now, I know I wouldn't get back together because too much as happened, too much has changed, and too much time has been spent separated. You have another girl in your eyes and I have someone else in mine. The only thing that saddens me is not being able to communicate normally with your family members and not being able to see Lucy. I haven't forgotten them but my presence makes things difficult so I try to shy away in order to avoid it. 

Went to the mall yesterday to meet up with Megan and Michelle. Got stopped by two people on the way there. First girl I didn't notice until she got up all in my face and stopped me with her hands to compliment that she loved my hair even though I had bed head, ripped jeans, and a green top on lols. Got stopped by an acquaintance outside of Hollister who was waiting for their friend. When I saw an asian out coming out of hollister approaching I took my leave and finally reached Body Central. Later on, the same asian guy tapped , slightly tug at my left shoulder. I thought it was Michelle since she was on my left and I was like huh but when I turned around it was him and he asked me for my number lmfao. Went to the movies and watched Epic with Jae and ate at Taqueria. Later on that night outta nowhere Jason texted me for the first time in two years to see how I was doing? Meh. How odd. 

Đời hạnh phúc khi anh được có em

Người cho anh ấm êm cuộc đời

Buồn hay vui em luôn kề bên anh

Ôm thật chặt và nói anh đã có em.

Trải qua bao thời gian ta mới được có nhau

Cho dù phong ba ngàn giông tố

Cám ơn em cho anh một tình yêu đó

Anh nguyện ghi sâu vào tim.

[ĐK:]

Đ � xa anh nhé em đừng để thử thách chia đôi tình ta

Đừng cho anh phải khóc vì em

Vì anh không thể mất em không thể sống khi không còn em

Người yêu ơi anh rất cần em.

Hãy bên anh vì chính em là niềm tin cho cuộc đời anh

Để anh thêm vững bước trên con đường anh đi

Dù mai sau dù thế nào anh vẫn bên bên em trọn đời

Nguyện yêu em mãi không đổi thay.

I'm happiest when I have you

The person who gives me a warm life

In happy and sad times you are next to me

Hold you close and say you are mine

Over all the adversary we finally get to be together

Even through thousands of storms

Thank you for your love

I vow to sink deep into your heart.

[Chorus:]

Don't leave me, don't let our love be separated. 

Don't let me cry because of you

Because I can not lose you I can not live without you

My love, I really need you.

Stay by my side because you are the meaning of my existence

Let me walk firmly on this path

Whatever may happen later I will always be by your side all my life

My love for you will never change.

My dream.

I had a really odd dream. So the girl I was shadowing was black and she had two identities and she would often have to change in and out of character with her personality, wigs, and voice. It was all so strange. She was a different person in front of people she knew like her parents and other family friends but in front of strangers and acquaintances she was someone completely different as well. Later on I started shadowing this white guy with a blonde buzz cut. He was a part of some secret group? And somehow he ran in front of a train and he got shot on the side stomach near the upper rib cage in front. Like right below the rib cage on the left side in front. I felt the piercing pain too and I put my hand to that area of my stomach/rib cage. He fell down and I felt like I was lying down too and I saw the same thing he saw. I saw two sets of words, one was "new growth:2" and the other set I forgot. I'm not sure how to explain. Its like in video games where you see the stats? Then later on somehow my male classmates in genetics, cut off all my hair that I had a fluffy boy haircut and dyed it this vibrant auburn red and then had a shit load of blonde, curly extensions on my hair. I looked pretty but I was so sad because I had been growing out my hair for so long. I automatically started sobbing and bawling. I was so angry at what they did because they cut off my hair. I mean I looked really pretty with the platinum color and the extensions were really soft and perfectly curled but still lol.

What an odd dream eh? It seems like it was all centered around insecurity, anger, and vulnerability.

 

Long Day.

Had a long morning with family that consisted of complaints and hypocritical comments. Did nothing except laundry and then boom outta nowhere a bunch of Asians come and block my car from getting out of the driveway for work. Gah. Did not want to sit down and eat with them at all so I ate whatever while waiting for my work clothes to dry to get to work. It never fully dried so I wore damp clothes to work. Nobody I was really close with or did their job well was working so it was a poopy night. Worked with this noobie pregnant girl. Oh my goodness, she was so slow and the other girl didn't pay attention and she was pretty new too so I pulled most of the weight. Made me so piss and I hardly got any tips but a customer made my night by telling me how he liked that I hustle and it made me feel appreciate that someone noticed the efforts I made.

Went to Tony's graduation party last night, played a drinking game with water instead of alcohol, chubby bunny. Had a pretty nice time. ^^

Midway through the chubby bunny game. :P

Dough.

Damn. I be raking in dough haha. Worked an 8 hour shift last night and worked an 11 hour shift today, both without breaks. Got scheduled with 42 hours next week. How lovely. I wish he would schedule me for fewer days but with longer shifts so I'd be using my gas more efficiently and so I would be able to swim more. Going to Tony's graduation party tomorrow after work, hopefully work doesn't hold me back late again since I was suppose to get off at 5 yet I got held back until 10.

Sigh, boys and their chances. So irritating. You don't want to come off as a bitch but they can't get it through their head that there chemistry does not exist between the two. I need a guy who can do things for me emotionally, mentally, financially, and physically. If you can't complete a task in the beginning then you won't be able to do any later on down the path. That's how I see it, and if that's how it is then it's best to cut it off early then late.

Sometimes I think I'm incredibly stupid for waiting and staying up late for a boy.

I look hella scary with my mask hehe but I need it badly since my skin has been dry lately? Trimmed the ends of my hair to get rid of split ends.

Further pain.

It's best to save the ones you care about from further pain and conflicts that'll just cause unnecessary damage to them. Why get into pointless arguments when you know another one will occur sometime later on? Save them from yourself, your nit picky selfish ways, and save yourself from that knot in your chest whenever you get into silly arguments with them. Sure - you get lonely , you'll see things that you want to share with them, and there will be times when you miss them. It's okay, the little prick you feel now is easier to cope with than later on with a shattered heart that cuts and bruises causing your other organs to become dysfunctional. 

Sometimes you have to let go of something you like in order to discover something you love.

Nails.

Went out to eat last night for a get together, the adults sat there and talked for two hours that by the time I got home it was midnight and I still had to do homework and study. I was so dead tired and cranky. Took my English and Genetics/Biotech finals today. Wasn't as bad as I had thought. Miz cried at the end and I felt so awkward because I always felt like she was disappointed in me and because of that she grew to dislike me? Came home and went out with family again to look at land and they went shopping around Von Maur and I'm just like wtf why are we here? It's none of my style. Had an emergency and had to do a customer's nails in a salon for the first time. I was so clueless and felt so awkward, started coughing like crazy during the middle for no reason? It was horrid, I didn't even finish the job but I still got tipped $5 LOL. I'll stick to Sonic until I get my cosmo license heh. I wanna get my CNA license as well though gah. 

 Last night.

Goin' to bed even though I need to study for Japanese.

The guy in the red hat reminded me of his style of dancing.

Finals Week

Came home around 10:00PM last night. On the way home around Des Moines it stormed and lighting pretty bad. The wind was pretty strong and 6 cars got stranded on the highway and a small car pushed to the railing. Luckily I was in the big 4x4 but we still got pushed from side to side pretty badly. I was already in a bad mood because of the assignments that I need to complete and because of parents and aunt. I dunno but the more time I spend with her the more I grow to dislike and resent her. As a child I admired her high authority aura but now I see it as high maintenance where she expects to be waited on. One of the thing I hate when going back to Vietnam is being expected to hold and do things for my aunts and cousin. No I do not want to hold your bags while you walk around empty handed. Don't pull the filial shit with me because I'm long gone done with that. It's the 21st century and I live in America, not India or Pakistan or wherever that sees women and children as possession/resources. I don't wanna go around taking photos of you, I'm not some kind of paparazzi. It's my camera, mine and I prefer to take photos of myself or someone/thing special on a time I set. I'm not rebellious, I'm just fed up. As a child you simply follow what is told, as you grow and think you see the injustice in life and your tolerance level fluxes. It's my life and the decisions I choose impact me, not you. I must live with it, not you. Hell, I didn't even want to go to Chicago. I dreaded it because I took the weekend off to study and complete finals and save my ass from summer school and the attitudes only make it worse. Went into a cacoon and silently cried from the emotional and mental stress in the car on the way back. To avoid tension I try to keep my distance from her and speak as little as possible. Now I must cram like crazy, and I'm afraid I won't even get everything in with the 21 English Exercises, finish my dress, finish my quilt, math packet, watch two movies for Watergate, Progressive essay, and finish my genetics study guide. I finished my Chapter 34 and 34 textbook reading and completed the online quizzes since I got around 4:00. Ah great, more studying and homework. So hungry..

Chicago.

First full day of being in Chicago. We came to the outskirts of Chicago, about an hour away around midnight and couldn't go any further since the others were pooped so we went around trying to find Days Inn instead we found Knights Inn. It was ran by a Paki and the motel smelled of rust oxide and there were cobwebs. The internet went in and out every half minute so it was difficult to do anything at all and the beds were itchy but the AC was pretty awesome and it helped cover up the musky odor. Got woken up at six in the morning and got rushed to get going. Went to Cracker Barrel for brunch and the atmosphere was pretty sweet for photos. Afterwards it took us around an hour and a half to get into the heart of Chicago since there was traffic and it took a while to get a parking space. It costed around $15~30 for a parking space, damn. Went looking around, didn't do much nor buy anything. Found this huge phone in t-mobile and I just had to get a photo with it hehe. I hate how whenever we go somewhere I'm automatically given the position to take everybody else's photos, so where the hell does that leave me? I ain't gonna take photos of you over and over again until you're satisfied, I'm doing my own shit. Not to mention it creates more work for me later on to upload and delete yet nobody even looks at the photos or uses em. Got really pissed off around 3:00PM since they were pushing me to stay until Tuesday which is unacceptable with me since I have finals on Tuesday and I still have to study and turn in make-up work and tests on Monday. I originally took off this weekend to study for finals yet I'm unable to do anything. I really wanna save my grade and not have to attend summer school, not to mention I don't wanna pay for that shit. Later on we went to Chinatown and went to Hee King for supper and I got myself an unagi don and an almond lychee boboa smoothie, oish souii! Then we went to the adults' friend's house. We tried to find a motel for Ami, Chinh, and I but all the rooms were out and a room costed $500 a night which was ridiculous. So we headed back to the friend's house and had a really late dinner. I had nothing against their food and appreciate their effort in cooking but I wasn't hungry and did not want to eat. I shouldn't be forced to eat when I'm not hungry because not only is that unhealthy but I get nagged at when I gain weight so they should stop being hypocrites. Another thing I hate is when an adult tries to control, or anyone in general. I am my own human being and I'm at the age where I make decisions for myself and how I feel. Don't say I'm spoiled when you don't even see me once a year or talk to me. When they try to assert authority or play favorites with their nieces and nephews, it makes me sick and makes me wanna get as far away as I can. I don't wanna hold your stuff, why should I be forced to while you walk around empty handed? Gah, I just wanna go home and make dough and save my grades.

It feels like a Friday.

Not sure why they want me to go to Chicago so badly, heck I don't even wanna go. I wanna stay home and study for finals because that's originally why I had taken the weekend off for. Didn't realize I still had my Watergate essay until midnight so I started freaking out and got around 2 pages  but I wasn't able to finish it all so I gave up and at two in the morning. I was looking forward to going get quality shut eye. Gah, I was so pooped today. Planned to go out with Jae and Li after school but wasn't able to since I'm being forced to take two of my make-up tests but I'm not ready for them. Gotta get up early to take my HIV one tomorrow morning and I'm not sure about my Japanese one? 

Uncle and Auntie!

Today was their first full day here. I took my exams in the morning at OHEC. I got their about 15 minutes early but I wasn't able to stop by a store to pick up breakfast or coffee like I did with the last one. I think I did pretty well, 7 pages within an hour, can you say boss? Ah booyah! Li and I planned to go to Chipotle but she had to go somewhere with her mother for her dog so I just went to McDonalds for a small meal and went home to chill since I had a dentist appointment later on. I swear each time my head hits the back of those chairs for dentist crap I always become really sleepy for some reason? Jae came over and brought me a frappe, yeyeye! Helped me out with history and totally failed. Later Uncle Pedro and I went tried to find a Krispy Kreme around the area but on my GPS it said the nearest was like 10 miles away so we to PC and bought doughnuts and ice cream, saw Jas and John there. Gotta cram for Japanese kanji,  HIV test, and for all my other finals. Sheeeet haha. 

Cram cram.

The word cram makes me think of a turtle now because I'm basically a turtle that's slamming itself with studying not to mention a bitchy mother doesn't help either. She's so god damn controlling and bitchy lately, wonder what's up her ass. Made me clean out my room and she's taking over it, shoving me over to my sister's room. Gah, I hate sharing rooms now. When I was little and begged to not be alone I was forced to sleep alone so why fucken bother now. My god, my room, my shit that I bought with my own money. Hands off. God, now I don't even wanna work at a salon anymore because she'll bitch whenever I don't go out and clean their stinken feet and shit. No, I'mma work wherever the hell I want and create my own fucken schedule. Being a bitch won't make things easier. I don't get "bad" as I grow up, I'm just sick of always trying to fit an image that'll never satisfy you. I wanna get treated the way I treat others so stop bulging your god damn eyes out at me. I don't give a fuck if I'm given the label as an unfilial daughter. Fuck, if the parents don't do their part I ain't doin' shit. I don't wanna hold stinky ass feet and suck up to customers all my life. Hell, I don't wanna suck up anymore. I'm gonna obtain great things by myself, through my own efforts so fuck off and don't try to claim credit or title when I do. I pushed through by myself, with my stamina, and my determination.

Molehills.

Cannot stand those who gossip and make mountains outta molehills. I did not and I repeat did not do any shit with him just because I simply hugged him good-bye when he left. God damn, Asian adults are so conservative. In American 21st century, it is normal to hug the opposite sex! And when I say we're simply friends, we're fucken simply friends god damn so shut your faces already. Stop your bitching and threats. I know I'm not ready for anything serious and I'm not able to devote myself wholly to a person again. I honestly could care less how many people walk out of my life because they chose to.Those who matter wouldn't second guess me. I'd rather be alone but true to myself than surrounded by creatures who are provincial and untrue - lying to others and myself.

My hair is a rebel nowadays, the curliest I can get my hair. o( Y ^ Y )o

Mommy's Day

Happy mommy day to all the grandmothers, mothers, and future mothers! My own mother doesn't appreciate the shit I try and the fact that I would've had my darling in my arms late May or early June.

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was in this really murky swamp with purple and yellow lotuses. I don't know why but the whole dream revolved around Corey but I didn't see him at all in it? I kept bawling, throwing myself around. and I ran away from home? Somehow I ended up in traffic and got injured to the point that I had to get plastic surgery on my face. My face looked like a normal girl's but I hated it because it wasn't mine. I dunno, as a child I always hated how I looked but I've grown to love my appearance. Then my uncle found me and we ended up in Arby's and he kept trying to calm me down and ask what was up? I ended up spilling everything to him and after my surgery he took back to Vietnam and I was on a bus LOL. So odd? Not sure what the heck was going on in my head. 

Anyways, went to the temple last night and a bunch of cops came in with their flash lights and batons, guess someone was being naughty in the back? Talk to Tommy for a bit and did my own thing. I noticed that he came and sat close to me towards the middle of the night? Not sure if he did that on purpose or if that was the only seat available hehe. I thought he didn't notice and it was mere coincidence so I didn't say anything but after I got home he video called me for a bit and it turns out he did see me sitting there but then he couldn't find me after that because I had ran off. I dunno, he was with another girl so I didn't pay any heed, didn't want to get in between things. 

Meh, horrid weekend but hey HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO MEEE. I still love my darling and they're still in my heart forever and always.

My little bundle of joy.

Unknown reader,

The one who's been visiting every hour.
Who are you? Is it who I think it is?
I'm pleased to know someone is interested in what goes on in my mind and heart.
You don't have to reveal yourself, I'm happy enough to see footsteps of your presence.

BTW; happy news. NO MORE BLOODY SAGA. :DD

Mmm.

Been so tired lately. Catching up on my assignments and been cramming a bit. Tomorrow's the AP testing at the IRC for English. FU. So glad I'm taking CP next year. Not sure what's up with my appearance lately, been looking shitty as fuck.

Good-bye once again?

I've never been good at good-byes. I've already lost two people, I can't lose another one not again. Bobby's departure was hard enough without saying good-bye but I can't lose her. It feels all so unreal.

Relations.

There's a dogma of giving everyone a chance but if you dated everyone who liked you, wouldn't you be a slut?

If people choose to walk away, I won't bother to stop them. If you want to stay then you have to make an effort, because I can't do it all by myself. I have this thing about me, if you're friends or associate with someone I'm not on good terms with then I automatically start distancing myself. I don't know, I just don't like having a connection with people I dislike, even if I'm good friends with the other person. The connection is just a total repellent for me and I begin to distance myself from both parties and gain a dislike for both no matter who it may be. Yeah, yeah it's a horrible trait that'll cause me to be friendless but why should I change for society? I'm being the bigger person by leaving both sides alone am I not? I'm not causing a scene, I am not trash talking. I am merely separating myself because I do not want to have to do anything with them. Sure, I may be an immature bitch with the way I act because I shouldn't have people choose but wait a fucken moment. Did I ever confront em about their friendship? Nope, I am the one walking away. I am the one making it easier for both of them. It's also one of the reasons why I want to move far away so that I won't have to deal with unwanted connections. There will always be people I dislike but hey it's my choice if I want to live in a hermit shell too so stfu.

Because sometimes it's easier to walk away and cry in a corner than deal with lies and conflicting relationships.

Hana no kinyoubi!

Today just seemed to whizz by for me! So happy it's the weekend. School seems to be whizzing by faster than normal too, yattaaaaa! Sensei asked if I was going to prom this weekend and I'm like nah, just gonna hang out with Jae and she was like "Oooooh, oh my gosh are you guys dating?!?" then everybody else joined in and it got embarrassing haha. Rachel demanded me to spill the beans even though there were none to be spilled. So apparently I yelled at him last night in my sleep and woke him up? He said the first night I sounded a little happy but then I told him he shouldn't do something? Then last night I guess I sounded scared as though I was running from something? So I apparently I sleep talk, mumble, and groan in. You learn something new every day! Odd because lately I haven't been having any drams?

The rings I got for us, no peeking!

More wonders.

Yeah yeah, I'm posting a lot of entries tonight probably because I have a lot of unanswered questions.

It's not me who you're missing, who's on your mind late at night. You don't think back to the past unless provoked. You're not testing me to see if I'll go, secretly wanting me to stay. You don't see things that remind you of me nor do you want to share them with me. You're perfectly fine, not hiding away because you're afraid of more pain. You're not waiting for me to make the first move. If you ever are sadden, it's because of something or someone else right? It'll never be because of me again. There's this constant desire to know, but the raw truth without filters and hidden motives. All this is because of some unknown event in your life that has nothing to do with me right? Or because of a girl who you've fallen deeply in love with right? All of these gloomy thoughts and emotions are because of her, right? I still missed you, I still loved you so much that I bought things while in Japan that I thought you would like. I figured you would most likely trash them so I didn't bother. I came over to your house on holidays because it felt odd and lonely not celebrating it with you. Obviously you were never there for some reason. Some of your relatives remembered me, some were confused as to why I'm still around and some didn't even remember me which is fine. I don't want to go through a cycle of pain either, I don't want to show up at places hoping to be able to associate only to feel like an odd ball, I don't want to be pitied and looked down upon. I want to be wanted, cherish, and loved and I'm willing to do the same in return. I'm happy with how things are going in my life. There are times when I'll sense traces of our past or of you but what can I do but look away? I'm working as usual, concentrating on school, and enrolling into cosmetology school to obtain my license by next summer. I'm not sure how I feel about the past or if I want to return, there's a mixture of both but I don't know if you can open your arms to me again.

I can't.

I can't predict or understand what's going on with you anymore, maybe because we've both changed drastically and now we're two different persons but what's going on? Did something upsetting occur in your life recently regarding someone special, relative, or school? Obviously it wouldn't have to do with anything involving me, right? Because you were the one who fell out of love first, you're the one who fell for someone first, you were the first one to let go of my hand. Is it because of her? Are things not going well with you guys? I can't help nor can I give any impute but I can sympathize with being turned away by someone you had faith in.

More Japan Photos!

Some more photos that I found from the Kizuna Trip. Stolen from others therefore no PS! ( ^ o ^ )

I realized I haven't shown off my awesome host family yet so here they are! <3

Too early?

The sickness saga still rages on but I live! A major for disappointment for some I believe? Haha! Been going to bed earlier than usual, but still late, yet I find myself tired and droopy in class. Wonder what's up? My shopping urge is back, oh no. Shall I go on a shopping spree, save for a new car, or college? Gah! I should just get myself a sugar daddy ahaha. Been looking at a couple of things, literally hehe. Back then I saw these really cute couple hoodies for Christmas but was a bit hesitant on getting them since they were $70. Yeeeah in the end I didn't get them obviously. Mmm, I regret not doing a lot of cute things that went through my mind, such as the couple rings. How soon is too soon? Yeah, I was always afraid of the rings because of that heh. I remember trying to guess his ring size by staring at his fingers when we had hung out in the spring/summer when things were still happy? He was like "dafuq is wrong with you? Why you keep staring at my hands? And laughed looooool." so I made up the story of how much it would hurt for a girl if he ever fingered her lmfao. Mmm, now I don't wanna hold back like back then and miss out on someone special but I feel like it's too soon, which it is, but these things are sooooo cute and I wanna show him how much I like him. Ack, the downfall of being Chinese and finding all these cute fashion things. o( T A T )o

One of the things I've got my eye on! There are other ones but I don't wanna reveal em yet. ^_^

Average day.

I actually dressed okay for once today and had breakfast. The bloody cough saga continues but the amount of coughing has decreased by like 10% since I'm drinking more water. I'm starting to get really bad headaches from each time I cough though and I started getting a nosebleed? It's not only my nose that's starting to act up but my eyes have begin to discharge rheum before bed and in the morning. Wtf is going on with my body? I should have recovered long ago and I shouldn't have this weird ass cough and bloody shit. I wonder if I have an infection of some sort? Gah, coughing each time hurts my head and feels like a raw cut from my throat, not to mention the sight of blood every day is a turn off. Wonder if I should mention something to my parents? I feel like I'mma get bitched at for allowing this to happen. 

Sometimes you're afraid of the future. The past pulls you back with its familiar scent, warmth, and understanding. You still have questions but you're afraid of the answers.