Unsure what this meant. A few nights prior I had dreamt of my former partner and my current one. This time, my current one's appearance was exactly like that of my former except for a few minor differences. His race was different from what it is. In it, I traveled to multiple locations. At one of them, I met my ex and my current in the same room. My ex tried to reconcile but I wasn't having it and instead went to the arms of my current to show that I am happy - too bad that didn't last very long. My current initiated us going to the restroom together, I guess for some sexy time? Too bad I didn't get that. Instead he went there to piss and accidentally sprayed me. I was livid and he saw no harm because "hey, it's just piss" and it was an accident.
I'm not sure what this dream meant when I woke up but after having some days to reflect I think I can decrypt my subconscious's message. I have been deeply attached to my former flame but now I've placed everything upon my current - hoping for the same instead I get disappointed and feel as though I get disrespected after letting go and choosing him - hence the piss.
Last night's involved me taking a HPT which came out positive, with those two clear red lines. Crap. In a state of shock, I kept telling myself that it must be a mistake. I was scared, worried. My first thought was whether to confide in my partner - I quickly concluded I couldn't, I mustn't. There was a strong feeling of denial in giving him that information. I did not want to bother with him, that he could not do anything whether it was in a form of moral support or finances. The feeling of hopelessness and loneliness surrounded me, that I was on my own. There was a tiny fragment of resentment as well since he's been absent lately.
This was easier to decipher. We lack communication and trust, trust that he'll be there in times of dire. I am on my own with issues that were created by both of us, I bear the brute(possibly my feelings of attachment and anger). But this also reminded me, I need to take a HPT.
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
I am unhappy.
I'm not okay. These past few days I've been extremely unhappy. I've been trying to sort out my emotions but it never seems to end with peace. The torment of loneliness, resentment, and anger seems to just subsided and resurface when my thoughts start wandering.
Getting out there and socializing with others is nice but it's not what I need or desire. I don't want general attention; it's not boredom I suffer from. I am angry, hurt. There's a resentment harboring - growing in my heart each day.
I feel unappreciated (because) I put effort in to showing my affection through physical touches and attempts of communication yet it seems as though he does not reciprocate. We have had these kind of talks many times but it never seems to change. I'm not sure why but this issue really strikes me at this moment. Possibly because I am not informed of decisions or thoughts, a disaffirming sign and often his choices clash with mine but then again it's his life not mine. Lately, we do not communicate very much and I try to give him the benefit of the doubt because he may be exhausted from work or with family matters but it seems as though that's not always the case. In a trial to see his response and lessen my independence on him, I am not surprised by what I experienced. He appears happier with this new profound sense of freedom - in which I do not talk as much nor do I ask questions or initiate conversations. I do not touch upon any areas or forms that may be a sign of affection, something I use to do and enjoy seeing his response/reaction. I do not initiate any social events so that he is free to spend it however he likes without a feeling of obligation(if I ask to hang out). When he does want to communicate it seems like it's for his benefit - to lend an ear so that he can ponder aloud to himself or escape his current situation. All these things are turning into resentment. The fact that he does not notice the difference in my behavior, that he does not realize my absences/distance or misses me - rather he is more jolly, does not inform me of his choices, and uses me as an escape route.
Perhaps, it is my fault for placing so much significance and importance in him that I expect so much in return. I am trying to deal with it by slowly disconnecting myself - so that I am not so bothered by his behavior and concerns. I socialize with friends, use exercising as a form of distraction, let my energy flow from my tips onto the canvas, but it still breaks me down. His absence, his ignorance. It kills me inside. I have silent nights where I just let the feelings flow out of my tear ducts but it does not clear my heart of agony. Only when am I driving with a variety of vibrations pulsing through me, letting my vision blur with sounds that are unrecognizable as words escape my larynx. Repeat, letting my anguish flow and form into shrieks and bawls until my voice is rasp and my eyes bloodshot. Once I reach my destination, I clean up. Wiping away those streaks, applying eyedrops to lubricate and freshen my weary eyes and clearing my throat - I walk up to the door and ring the doorbell with no sign of sadness or distress that was present only a few seconds ago to present myself to a group of people for Easter.
Getting out there and socializing with others is nice but it's not what I need or desire. I don't want general attention; it's not boredom I suffer from. I am angry, hurt. There's a resentment harboring - growing in my heart each day.
I feel unappreciated (because) I put effort in to showing my affection through physical touches and attempts of communication yet it seems as though he does not reciprocate. We have had these kind of talks many times but it never seems to change. I'm not sure why but this issue really strikes me at this moment. Possibly because I am not informed of decisions or thoughts, a disaffirming sign and often his choices clash with mine but then again it's his life not mine. Lately, we do not communicate very much and I try to give him the benefit of the doubt because he may be exhausted from work or with family matters but it seems as though that's not always the case. In a trial to see his response and lessen my independence on him, I am not surprised by what I experienced. He appears happier with this new profound sense of freedom - in which I do not talk as much nor do I ask questions or initiate conversations. I do not touch upon any areas or forms that may be a sign of affection, something I use to do and enjoy seeing his response/reaction. I do not initiate any social events so that he is free to spend it however he likes without a feeling of obligation(if I ask to hang out). When he does want to communicate it seems like it's for his benefit - to lend an ear so that he can ponder aloud to himself or escape his current situation. All these things are turning into resentment. The fact that he does not notice the difference in my behavior, that he does not realize my absences/distance or misses me - rather he is more jolly, does not inform me of his choices, and uses me as an escape route.
Perhaps, it is my fault for placing so much significance and importance in him that I expect so much in return. I am trying to deal with it by slowly disconnecting myself - so that I am not so bothered by his behavior and concerns. I socialize with friends, use exercising as a form of distraction, let my energy flow from my tips onto the canvas, but it still breaks me down. His absence, his ignorance. It kills me inside. I have silent nights where I just let the feelings flow out of my tear ducts but it does not clear my heart of agony. Only when am I driving with a variety of vibrations pulsing through me, letting my vision blur with sounds that are unrecognizable as words escape my larynx. Repeat, letting my anguish flow and form into shrieks and bawls until my voice is rasp and my eyes bloodshot. Once I reach my destination, I clean up. Wiping away those streaks, applying eyedrops to lubricate and freshen my weary eyes and clearing my throat - I walk up to the door and ring the doorbell with no sign of sadness or distress that was present only a few seconds ago to present myself to a group of people for Easter.
Sunday, March 27, 2016
Affluent Society Quiz Answers
1. During Nixon's address, instead of emphasizing on aspects such as "freedom of expression or different forms of government" he focused on the "extraordinarily high standards of living in the United States." Nixon linked American freedom to American consumerism by expressing the prosperity US reaps with capitalism and freedom of market, and so forth. People are able to produce and sell, harvesting their handwork at the end instead of having fortune and wealth be restricted and strictly regulated. With the freedom Americans have, they are able to lead a higher standard of lifestyle and more happiness in essence with so many items and services often deemed for the well-off. The consumer did not only have access to those things but also a variety of choices. Nixon's concept of American freedom focused economic abundance and consumer choices within' a traditional family setting.
2. The suburbs fulfilled the dream of home ownership, with the home often becoming a "center of freedom." Those who had middle class wages were able to move out and obtain the traditional American dream but doing so also cut off others. People in poverty and immigrants were left in the city. The move to suburbs promoted Americanization, resulting in a cut off form urban-ethnic communities and anyone else who were not like them. Immigrants and non-whites did not have the same economical advantage as whites with jobs but in other stances as well. Government and housing retail would make it difficult for non-whites to purchase a home - fearful that it would drive their non-whites away and decrease the value of the neighborhood/homes. Federal agencies would insure mortgages that barred resale of houses to non-whites except in segregated enclaves.
3. The Southern Manifesto was edition repudiating the Supreme Court's decision in Brown v. Board of Education; it supported the South's resistance to desegregation. It called out the Supreme's Court violation of act since the Constitution and all previous amendments do not include education so the Supreme Court was interpreting the Constitution in a grey area. The authors of Southern Manifesto would define freedom as having the right to conserve and practice their habits, tradition, and lifestyle as they please and direct their children's lives and education as they will - do as they please in what is deemed natural in their current environment. Their definition is freedom to do as they will even if it meant their right impeded on others' rights - "all is equal, some are just more equal than others." Rosa Parks and MLK's definition of freedom meant equality for all not just for a certain group of people. Parks and MLK wanted an equal and brighter future for those who have been oppressed but not by oppressive and bringing others down. They wanted equality, harmony, and prosperity for all.
2. The suburbs fulfilled the dream of home ownership, with the home often becoming a "center of freedom." Those who had middle class wages were able to move out and obtain the traditional American dream but doing so also cut off others. People in poverty and immigrants were left in the city. The move to suburbs promoted Americanization, resulting in a cut off form urban-ethnic communities and anyone else who were not like them. Immigrants and non-whites did not have the same economical advantage as whites with jobs but in other stances as well. Government and housing retail would make it difficult for non-whites to purchase a home - fearful that it would drive their non-whites away and decrease the value of the neighborhood/homes. Federal agencies would insure mortgages that barred resale of houses to non-whites except in segregated enclaves.
3. The Southern Manifesto was edition repudiating the Supreme Court's decision in Brown v. Board of Education; it supported the South's resistance to desegregation. It called out the Supreme's Court violation of act since the Constitution and all previous amendments do not include education so the Supreme Court was interpreting the Constitution in a grey area. The authors of Southern Manifesto would define freedom as having the right to conserve and practice their habits, tradition, and lifestyle as they please and direct their children's lives and education as they will - do as they please in what is deemed natural in their current environment. Their definition is freedom to do as they will even if it meant their right impeded on others' rights - "all is equal, some are just more equal than others." Rosa Parks and MLK's definition of freedom meant equality for all not just for a certain group of people. Parks and MLK wanted an equal and brighter future for those who have been oppressed but not by oppressive and bringing others down. They wanted equality, harmony, and prosperity for all.
Lack of unity.
Sometimes I miss his mom, or rather the relationship I had with her. Being invited to family events or just being able to pop in and join last minute. It was a very warm feeling. Having her brush my hair, hug me, and so forth. It was comforting - knowing that I was accepted and family. No awkwardness or tension just tenderness. Everyone accepted me, the cousins made jokes, aunties and uncles would praise how he got such a beaut, and the fact that he never left me side so I never felt lonely or isolated. It was a nice reassurance. One thing that really stuck out was hearing from a third party how he was worried and jealous, his mom comforted him but at the same time stood up for me even though I wasn't present and said that she doesn't believe something like that would ever happen because I'm not that kind of person. That really made me admire her more and have a softer spot for their relationship as well. I miss that, not him but the feeling of being accepted and comfortable among my partner's family.
I don't know why I've been having these conflicting, unsettling emotions. I'm trying hard to be independent, be calm, be cool - unbothered and unaffected by those's actions around me because I have no control nor should I be concerned. I do have certain feelings, emotions towards choices but I hold them in and try to disregard it with other tasks. I have this lump in my throat and a knot in the pit of my belly, I can't seem to be able to disassemble it so I sit and let it marinate until I've run out of oxygen and emotions till a relapse occurs.
What I'm basically doing is untying myself from my partner. In the past I was distant because feelings were not as passionate, but then opinions of how I am not loving and invested convinced me to tie and wrap myself to a person without realizing the consequences and possible self harm it may bring. Unrequited love, unrequited affection, yeah it hurts but what hurts more is the process of reverting that because you still want to maintain a connection while severing it as well - like a rope. You must cut away at it to thin it out but not so much that it strains and snaps. Each cut is like a severe to your heart's fibers. Those who read this will not understand it unless they're emotionally sensitive or experienced it prior. Like a game of tug-a-war but you can't bear to let go or have the other person let go. Your hands burn, your feet is tired, but you don't want to let go, you're not ready for it to end.
I don't know why I've been having these conflicting, unsettling emotions. I'm trying hard to be independent, be calm, be cool - unbothered and unaffected by those's actions around me because I have no control nor should I be concerned. I do have certain feelings, emotions towards choices but I hold them in and try to disregard it with other tasks. I have this lump in my throat and a knot in the pit of my belly, I can't seem to be able to disassemble it so I sit and let it marinate until I've run out of oxygen and emotions till a relapse occurs.
What I'm basically doing is untying myself from my partner. In the past I was distant because feelings were not as passionate, but then opinions of how I am not loving and invested convinced me to tie and wrap myself to a person without realizing the consequences and possible self harm it may bring. Unrequited love, unrequited affection, yeah it hurts but what hurts more is the process of reverting that because you still want to maintain a connection while severing it as well - like a rope. You must cut away at it to thin it out but not so much that it strains and snaps. Each cut is like a severe to your heart's fibers. Those who read this will not understand it unless they're emotionally sensitive or experienced it prior. Like a game of tug-a-war but you can't bear to let go or have the other person let go. Your hands burn, your feet is tired, but you don't want to let go, you're not ready for it to end.
Friday, March 25, 2016
I don't want an ass.
Couldn't work out today, can't tomorrow, and closed on Sunday so.. I am sad and slightly upset.
It was a way to distract myself while working on myself. So much for it. Then again, I have a lot of preparation and essays coming up soon.
I've never really been into the whole fitness or exercise scene but I found my motivation for when I actually get into it. What really clicked in my head was when we were in an argument about efforts. He had stated things about wishing me to be more feminine and giving which was whatever because I could see how he may feel insecure in those areas since I have a very strong and bold personality. What really hit home was how he got angry because I did not try to work out to get a nice ass. I have no ass, never had an ass in my entire life from birth to present. Never cared for an ass and don't want one. My body is the same as it was before entering this relationship. I'm not overweight, my weight does fluctuate between certain periods where I will get a bit pudgy with a rounder face than usual but my clothes still fit the same and I bounce back to my slim face within' a few weeks. Him getting so angry about my lack of effort in achieving an ass and his desire to modify my body angers me. I am healthy and skinny yet he wants to change my body to his ideal. I don't want an ass. The reason I started working out as a way of spite, I work out to slim my stomach area, gain strength, and tone my triceps/biceps. I repeat, I don't want an ass. If you were attracted to me before when I had no ass, I see no reason to change and get an ass unless I personally desire.
Sometimes I get frustrated, jealous that it seems that I'm not as close to you as you are to me. I'm not your best friend, but you are mine. You have friends who you socialize and interact with but you're all I have. I'm not upset that I have no one but rather the fact that you have others who are not me. Selfish, yes. That's another reason for me choosing to get active - as a way to focus on myself. I have others who I can kill time with but you tend to get jealous of them, my female counterparts are not as available to connect with and the connection is just not as strong and natural. I have the heart of a woman but the brain of a man, girls just don't understand my interests and sense of humor.
I could sit and go on with how much you mean to me, how I yearn and love you, but you do not understand my forms of affection and my words are nothing just candy drops to your ears. You are not able to fully comprehend my feelings towards you. My love for you seems like a form of desperateness, clinginess. Instead of feeling touch by me missing you, you push me to be independent and do my own thing yet when I go too far and become occupied with matters you become upset, enraged that I am ignoring you. I don't understand the standards of having a soft vs hard/strong heart in which it will make everything ok.
All these are my insecurities. Afraid of not being up to par in your heart, fearful of losing you, angry that you do not accept nor reciprocate the same amount of love/affection, distressed that you do not appreciate my current appearance. Perhaps this is why I've been having so many distraught dreams these past few days concerning you, because in each of them you do something that wrenches my soul and overflows my mind with concerns yet you are unaware in all of them - unaware of my grief, and the anguish you bring upon me.
Hurtful dreams.
I'm not sure what's up with me but lately for 4-6 days within' a row I keep having dreams of my boyfriend but not in a positive light. In each of them he is cheating on me but not in a sexual act and I keep catching him red handed and he shrugs it off seeing it as a minor thing while I see it as a violation, major red flag for his behavior. I don't believe he would cheat nor ignore my confrontation about it unless it was that one time cough cough. He does not connect on that level but rather mentally and emotionally so I can see why it played out that way in my dreams. It's just odd by I keep having those reoccurring dreams unless it's some kind of foreshadowing or it's my own subconscious insecurity which is another thing I could understand. Some of the things he said in the recent past really hit home so I'm working on it - for myself. These dreams were the first real ones that focused solely on him rather than having two male leads and he looked just like himself instead of having someone else's characteristics.
Then bam out of nowhere I have a dream of my ex. It was unlike the ones in the past where we rekindled or I was mixed up with my intimacy. This one, I had no intention or thought of possibly reconciling instead I felt anxious, nervous, with a mix of inferiority. There were other parts in the dream of battling against aliens and being hunted and so forth. Somehow it led to his house, his mom was throwing some kind of surprise party for him and there was a whole lot of people. The house looks very similar to how it did after getting remodeled except they tore some more walls down like between his sister and his room. His mom was a tad awkward but she welcomed me with her usual warm self. I ran around, feeling scared and nervous at the same time - feeling the tug of wanting to leave so I wouldn't upset him when he saw me. Finally he came home with a group of male friends such as Christian and so forth. He wore a long grey sleeve shirt with a few ribs. His hair was short, dark brown kinda of like this but a bit shorter. He was surprised at first but then collected, his face had a bit of irritation with a smugness to it like "I hate you but I'm going to be polite and an ass." I can't remember if he reached his hand out first or if it was me. It was a short, loose handshake avoiding as much skin contact as possible. Small talk. "Nice seeing you again, how're you doing now" sort of thing. I told him I was doing nails now and he had this cold, smug face with a soft scoff - saying something along the lines of "That's all you've accomplished? I would think you'd made something more of your low self compared to what other immigrant families have done." It was a real slap in the face. Here I was trying to be sincere and polite, and he says that kind of thing. It left me a bit dumbstruck, how cold and arrogant he still was after all this time - why he was still so angry when I am genuine. I admit, I was real hurt. I just walked off, trying to compose myself. I'm not sure what this dream is suppose to mean but it sure hurt - not because of seeing his face again or his cold behavior but more of the words about my progress. Oh well, it's whatever.
I really wish back then when he hurt me, I had use that pain and anger to fuel my education instead of being broken and spacing out during lectures. I also wish I had use that anger to work on my body and self image, it would've sped up the healing process a whole lot faster. I was already pretty slim due to my lack of appetite but combine with exercise I really would've had a rocking' body with abs. Working out now is cool too, I haven't hit any adrenaline but it's a nice feeling because I don't feel as heavy and lazy. I finally realize how stinky working out can be. Whew, I was sitting down finishing up homework after hitting the gym and I caught a whiff of something and god it stank. Then I realized it was me, I never knew I could smell like this! I didn't sweat that much and when I do I usually don't smell that horrid ugh but hey it's a sign of my hard work I guess haha. Now if only I could curb my appetite because it has increased a lot since I started exercising.
Returned and worked out for for another 2.5 hours.
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