Just a condiment.

Sick of being here. Always having to play translator yet always getting dissed that I do not know the language. I don't think I'll be returning any time soon, possibly two years or more. I know it's true because I keep my word about returning. Last time I said it may be 6 years till the next time I return and I kept my promise. Now, it'll be at least 2 years later. 

Then I have another one that is never fully happy or content. That I leave him abandoned which I don't. I will admit that I am jealous that my family treats him better than his treated me while on vacation. Then again, nothing in his control and I don't spite him but the situation I'm in.

It's funny how everything I fear is lumped into him. I never wanted to be with a black guy because of skin color and fear of not fitting in with Asian society nor did I ever want to be with a Vietnamese guy because I loathe having to be apart of a Vietnamese household and all the traditions and stipulations. I would have to tip toe around everything and constantly be fearful of my behavior and word choices. Now I have all of that combined.

I can't be my happy cheerful self without being worried that I'm offending someone. I'm seen as slow and dumb because my way of showing politeness is different compared to others. I have to constantly suck up and be belittled. All this while still having to play translator kind of sucks.

I'd like to be complimented once in a while or just somehow get a sense of affirmation but it seems like that's not possible. I'm just an extra piece to assist. 

Like cranberry sauce during thanksgiving. 

Nobody sympathizes or tries to see it from my point of view. That I just have to swallow and take up my duties while buying my tongue because I am a "Vietnamese" girl. I must have face and grace and what not. What if I don't want to? What if I want express my feelings straight forward and get a mutual understanding ground? It's so sickening having to play this puppet game while another knows nothing of it or doesn't understand with you. I try to make them 

see it from your point of view but I'm just 

seen as selfish and unsympathetic yet no one's sympathetic to me rather it is my duty or automatically expected if I love him. 

It's so unfair. 

Snippet so far.

Jealousy and hurt.

Just when I thought things were getting better it comes to a halt. Perhaps it's just me but I don't think he should confide in another girl about our relationship. It is a two person ordeal that others' should not have knowledge about.
When he confides in her, it seems like she's better. His response or behavior is not genuinely 100% him because it is influenced by her. Her response ticks me off as well. She has no right to say anything about me or give any input because everything she encounters is just the context and not the whole ordeal.
So it's not just anger but also jealousy. The way he communicates with her, I do not get that. I see an old image between them two. Being able to talk for hours. We started off like that. Jokes, laughs, staying up late talking about nonsense but now it's none of that. When I want to reminisce, he brushes it off - getting irritated. He doesn't want to stay up with me anymore but he has no problem with her. Even when we are on good terms, he does not text me as often as he does with her. He wants freedom - to not be bound by the hip to me yet he is able to communicate more frequent with her - because we have nothing of interest to talk about. With me, he still texts her - looking down at his phone smiling, laughing. Sending each other funny, cute images and sayings. They may not recognize it but I see it as a sign of flirting. Suppose to meet up with each other while I'm off, fighting mental and emotional battles by myself. Conflicted. Tormenting myself while he enjoys himself. Giving another girl his time and happiness.
Being unable to receive that while watching someone else get it. It kills.
Battling conflicting emotions. Rethinking actions and responses. I just want to be raw. I want to scream. I want to break down and cry. I want to be cute, I want to pout. I want to kiss, hold, and love. I want to be real.
But I can't. Because I'm trying to be better. This sickening, knot in my stomach. The concern he shows her for her menstruation. I want it all. I want to be spoiled and love without thoughts.
But I can't.

Truth Withhold.

I think I hurt his feelings when I told him the truth, although I did withhold some information but it doesn't matter. It's better off this way with less mess. Everything I say is just a repeat and he won't register it as anything. Everything I say just gets rebuttal and my heartache and explanations go in vain.
I'm trying to check out, to make everything easier. So I won't get misunderstood by him anymore, so I  won't get worked up by some of his actions, and he won't be annoyed by my reactions.
My wanting him to get an education, to give him more of a chance to have a better future - for us to have a better future together. He doesn't see it. He sees it as me being controlling, that I shouldn't focus on him since he knows what he's going to do. He just wants to have a high paying job, even if he hates it but with no education. He's such a smart person but unmotivated with academics. What am I to do but look the other way while biting my tongue?
I want more affection, more attention. He wants more wifeness from me. I don't see how I can accomplish that when I don't feel love. I already have a hard time giving love, how would I work on being more wife material? When I'm crying alone with no comfort from him, when I get scold by him for bringing up issues that he doesn't have any control over.  I haven't been feeling loved for a while. I don't even remember the last time he's held me lovingly or looked into my eyes with tenderness. It feels so cold when I reach out for love. When it's break time and he's either talking to outsiders or on his phone, I feel so far away from him. I can reach out but it won't be met with a smile, instead he'll either brush my hand away so he can focus on his game or pull back while giving me a dumbfounded look.
So I'm trying to let go. Let him have his space, let him do his activities and make his decisions. They may bother me but I keep quiet, seeming uninterested and unaffected. The long nights I am up, racking my brain and crying my eyes out. He states that he doesn't want to be the one to give in and apologize but what is there to apologize for? I just want to be loved and love. I want to be accepted. I don't know what I should apologize for. Being sensitive, for crying too much? For being concerned about his future? For wanting to hold and kiss him? I don't know.
Last Friday, I guess he took a hint that I was unsettled because that was the one time he tried to be affectionate and hug me goodbye but I was already trying to check out. I didn't want to melt and revert back to square one because if I did he would do one act of love and weeks will pass again before anything else happens if I don't go crazy. It would be another cycle and I would spend more time hurt and confused. If I brought it up he would ask what I was talking about and bring up random occasions of act of affection like Friday or say that what I give is not real affection, that it's weird.
It hurts a lot being misunderstood and trying to let go at the same time.

Failed unlocking.

So, I attempted to unlock my iPhone. I had received the email and everything from T-mobile. Backed it up to my MacBook and so forth. Once I turned it back on, it didn't say the message "Congratulations, you unlocked the phone" or whatever plus I had to restore or reset everything. I erased my phone 6x, the second to last I reset it as a new phone in hopes that it would allow me to get in and update my iTunes since when I connect it to my laptop it keeps saying it's incompatible since I needed version 12.3?
Long story short. One of my tech friends went in and fixed everything all the way from Colorado via screen share. I just sat there and watched him work. It was so cool and exciting. I felt a bit guilty as well. He spent over 2 hours helping me with the issues. I'm grateful for my smart friends. ^^
I still have to get my iPhone unlocked before I leave though haha. I suppose I'll go get it checked out somehow tomorrow or so.

Settled or rough patch?

I really hope I'm not just settling. I'm not trying to compare apples and oranges but it's difficult to cope with when it seems as though I'm continuously isolated and beaten down. I mean, I don't expect to have those cute, naive moments anymore with butterflies in my back and desire cute things like letters or public dedications. Hell, I don't celebrate monthiversaries, anniversaries, or major holidays such as Christmas, Valentines, or whatever. Every single damn day is the same. I just want something. Something to remind me that I'm still the one, that I'm still loved and wanted.
Bonding time could hardly be called bonding. Each person is doing their own thing or there's an outsider with limited conversation. There's no kisses, hand holding, sometimes not no words either. It makes me feel sad and a bit guilty of how I acted this way in the past. I understand being awkward in the beginning and not wanting others to see or feel uncomfortable but as long as it's not over the top it should be fine. I don't even get forehead kisses anymore..and those were my favorite.
I don't know if I'm just hitting a rough patch or if it's time to start analyzing and walk away. I'm always afraid to be the one to walk away in case I'm overreacting or that I'm just not ready to let go even though I know I should.
He won't listen; he won't try to understand my feelings, my thoughts. He expects me to be understanding about all of his issues but not of mine. I have tried to communicate with an "inside" voice but it never seems to settle the angry vibes. He either talks over me that I have no chance to speak or it turns into silence therefore I have to yell back.
I'm tired and confused. I really wish I had someone to turn to. I don't even need to talk to them about this stuff. Just talk, connect and have a nice chat. I just need a friend in all honesty.

Situations in life.

On a more positive note, I did all my laundry last night. Almost done packing. I'm not quite sure if I should leave more room in my suitcase incase I buy anything while there or if I should move my lighter clothes to a carry on duffel bag or put some clothes back since I did pack a generous amount of outfits because I don't want to wear a lot of the same outfits and I am not washing my clothes while over there. I don't trust it in fear of my clothes going missing or getting ruined. I will be bringing back a laundry detergent scent "refresher" to make it smell like they're clean lol. I am slightly worried I may forget something important but I can't seem to remember it. I use to have a lot of these things of dreams where I am returning back to Vietnam but end up forgetting things such as my Vietnamese currency or camera. Which is funny because I am not bringing back my camera this time since I will be bringing my phone instead. I will have to help him back as well since he most likely sucks and does not know how to maximize his space versus getting the much out of his weight. Seems like a majority of guys are like this and will never listen to their girls even though we know better. Thinking they're all that and masculine. Just bought a new suitcase as well, it's a black and red Perry Ellis. Its absolutely beautiful! Brought myself a luggage tag that says "It's Mine!" as well along with locks.
Got another dent on my car and it is driving me crazy! I work damn hard, saving up enough to afford my baby and take extra cautions with it yet people are careless enough to park beside me and hit my car over and over again. First it starts off with little scratches on the passenger side, then the back, then my side, and my fender. WTH? How the fuck do people even do that kind of shit? Whenever I exist or enter my car I always place my hand between the doors so if anything my hand gets hit. It saves the trouble of the other car getting hit along with mine. Like seriously? People really piss me off with these things so I'm gonna be even more cautious now. I got a little toy coming soon that'll catch EVERYTHING that happens around my car, it'll show exactly who the culprits are and I will be taking photos of all the surrounding cars' license plates. I am tired of this shit. Own up to your actions! Leave a note, apologize! First it starts off as a scratch, then multiple deep scratches, and now dents. This is the last straw.
All the stress from the environment. I really wish I had a close friend to confide in, or even a cat. Just something that I could be open to, let all my frustration out without judgement and to receive comfort and love in return.

His side.

Although I am very excited for my upcoming return, I can't help but feel a bit down. Maybe it's pressure/stress from finals but it's an uncomfortable emotion in my chest. Perhaps I am channeling and misunderstanding my feelings and vibes. I know I am bothered, sad, and angry.
Maybe it is because I desire more affection, more attention during the break period from him. The reason why we attend together is for the comfort of each other's company, isn't it? But I don't feel it. I think if I had attended alone, I would have been better off. I would've succeeded in math because I wouldn't have any distractions and be more focused and motivated. I would have made friends instead of sticking to one person. It might have been better off being alone.
It makes me think that way with other things as well. This whole family issue hurts. I try to integrate, be friendly and all only to be brushed off. It makes me want to do the same back, it makes me not even want to try. Greeting, smiling, all these pointless questions hurt me but you don't take it into account. You just get irritated at my lack of desire to be present. Why would I want to be there when I feel unwanted? Asking about the baby, showing concerns, and complimenting gets met with awkwardness. How else would you expect me to feel? How else would I cope except by sitting alone on my phone to hide my awkward hurt feelings. You would think someone would have better observation after taking interpersonal communications.
Asking your cousins about school, your aunt about herself and holiday plans, your mom about her vacation - all of it is met with a shut down. Hearing about your cousin's car issue of needing a catalytic converter, I found a coupon for it and kept it but that also got brushed off. I absolutely hate this. This feeling of unrequited attention, of sincerity. I am tired, I am hurt.
I desire love, the feeling of belonging. I want a mother in law that appreciates me. I want another mother figure that I can hug, compliment, and loving towards. I want to belong to a loving family that my spouse loves as well. Even if you say you don't love them, there is a sense of duty and belonging to them. I am left out in the cold.
You never seem to understand my difficulty when I explain. You make it seem as though I am oversensitive and there's nothing you could do or say to ease my emotions. It is frustrating to the point that I don't bother - instead I hide away and cry. It makes me rethink if you truly are the one I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with. Someone that leaves me to wallow in my frustration and sorrow. At times, I don't want to be with you anymore because of times like this.