I really hope I'm not just settling. I'm not trying to compare apples and oranges but it's difficult to cope with when it seems as though I'm continuously isolated and beaten down. I mean, I don't expect to have those cute, naive moments anymore with butterflies in my back and desire cute things like letters or public dedications. Hell, I don't celebrate monthiversaries, anniversaries, or major holidays such as Christmas, Valentines, or whatever. Every single damn day is the same. I just want something. Something to remind me that I'm still the one, that I'm still loved and wanted.
Bonding time could hardly be called bonding. Each person is doing their own thing or there's an outsider with limited conversation. There's no kisses, hand holding, sometimes not no words either. It makes me feel sad and a bit guilty of how I acted this way in the past. I understand being awkward in the beginning and not wanting others to see or feel uncomfortable but as long as it's not over the top it should be fine. I don't even get forehead kisses anymore..and those were my favorite.
I don't know if I'm just hitting a rough patch or if it's time to start analyzing and walk away. I'm always afraid to be the one to walk away in case I'm overreacting or that I'm just not ready to let go even though I know I should.
He won't listen; he won't try to understand my feelings, my thoughts. He expects me to be understanding about all of his issues but not of mine. I have tried to communicate with an "inside" voice but it never seems to settle the angry vibes. He either talks over me that I have no chance to speak or it turns into silence therefore I have to yell back.
I'm tired and confused. I really wish I had someone to turn to. I don't even need to talk to them about this stuff. Just talk, connect and have a nice chat. I just need a friend in all honesty.
