These Days.

Not sure what's happening since the fever I had but my cough hasn't gone away yet. It's been about 3 - 5 days already? Was a bit lazy in taking medication and drinking fluids constantly that my throat became dried out, causing irritating, which caused me to cough every few seconds which sucks balls. I began coughing up blood which is irritating because having blood in your throat feels funny. No, I don't secretly have cancer or what not. Something in my respiratory system most likely got inflamed to the point that something got torn and my system is just trying to get rid of the internal bleeding? The news of Looney sensei resigning pretty much broke my heart, started tearing up because she's an awesome teacher and my favorite. I feel like we formed a bond after all these years, I was really looking forward to finishing off high school with having her class at the end of each day like every year. Each year I finished the day off with Japanese in 7th hour. Gah. What's worse is having Japanese cut from OS. To learn more and show your support please click on the link below!

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Summer dress projects

Step forward.

No more looking back to the past, I've checked and all there is are vacant memories without the emotional attachment. Maybe a friendship will be revived in its place? It's unlikely, but at least there isn't anymore hatred. I hope that I can let go of the past, unattached strings. I fear of entering a relationship yet still subconsciously holding onto the past. I hate this about me but I don't want to fear the future. 

Mama forgot to call me out for my ortho appointment even thought I reminded her last night, wtf. I couldn't do shit either since I was in class and the teacher was going over a lesson! So 5 minutes before my scheduled time I had to ask him to go to the office because I was suppose to get called out and shit. FML. God damn. Throat is still groggy and I hate it when they make me speak up because shit my voice box is already strained and they're pissing me off by making me yell repeatedly. 

I've done this before;

Just a question.

When you were listening to this song, about 6 months ago. What was going through your mind? Was it something similar to the lyrics? If so then why did you ignore and push me away when I "went back to the corner of the street where we first met"? You may have thought you couldn't be moved but we both know we have been moved and drifted. 

Today.

Kept waking up early, around 8 and 9. Not sure why? The back of wire keeps cutting into the side of my cheek and it's irritating me. What I had on my tongue when I was in Japan is return! I dunno why or how? It's smaller than the one in JP but still, wtf? Meh, business was steady in the beginning but around 1:00 we were slammed and it just stayed busy until 4:30. Damn. Didn't have much complaints except for two customers and one drive off. Meh. Dun care! I feel like it would've gone better if I had my voice back. Would have been able to take on more orders and get things done quicker and efficiently. Gah, I sound like an old man who smoked 2 packs each day for 50 years. Mama's wanting me to start working at a salon on the weekends and I'm kinda nervous. What about Sonic? I mean yeah nails earns more money but mmm, I dunno. I'm not that confident in such a new surrounding and having to speak so much with a customer much less gossip and hear their rants. Afraid I might appear uninterested and offend em or have one of em bitchy, ghetto ones! Gah, with my current job I only have to deal with customers for 3 minutes, maximum.  Made better tips than yesterday so meh. Came home and ate, went out afterwards with family for sushi again. Felt so full so we decided to go for a walk afterwards. I'm not sure if mama was kidding about calling up Corey to come over? Iunno. He wouldn't have a reason to come over much less why would he go out of his way to see my face. I called up Jae and we walked around for half an hour. Scared him by hiding behind a trash can and jumping out hehe. It was nice, except dad got piss when he saw me hugging him good-bye which is odd because I hug all my friends? And then uncle Khoi asks the most embarrassing questions like as he smoked the bong yet aka sucked my face and how far I went with Corey besides sucking faces. ( ~///~ )* 

De yeu.

Not sure what we're heading towards.

What to do?

Mutually likeness but there are factors that you know will cause future arguments and be a deal breaker later on. What to do? The late night talks, the connections, it just kinda disappears. Where does it all go? Both parties withdraw and hesitate to put forth anything that might injure themselves or seem to cross the line. 

Waited the whole morning for the usual morning greeting only to find myself slightly disappointed each time it's from someone else. Catching myself from calling out babe or being overly sweet for a friend. Kinda hurt when he said I was teasing because I wasn't trying, I really did wanna say that. Sigh. I know it's my decision and all so I shouldn't be feelin' this way or say anything but I really don't want history to repeat itself though. I'm not going to enter a relationship with the mindset that it's not going to last nor the belief that I can change the guy but there are just some things that I require in a guy in order to be completely satisfied. Mmm, I guess I should gradually distance myself so that I can forget my feelings then reconnect as friends after however long it takes for the emotions to erode away?

Unsure.

Had a slight headache in Japanese yesterday, thought it would go away once I got home and took Advil but it grew worse during rehearsal. I started getting hot and cold flashes. Had to suck it up until 5:00PM. Met up with Jae for ice cream at peach wave for a while. Came home and collapsed on my bed, not bothering to change out of my school clothes and slept until 8, went back to sleep and got woken up by Ami around 10. She said that I got kicked didn't I, and I was like wtf? And she's like he kicked your ass to the curb so that's why you have a fever huh and I'm like wtf no, we're only friends. Fell back asleep and stayed asleep afterwards. I'm surprised I stayed asleep cause I would think my sleeping schedule would be a bit jacked up? Didn't want to miss the fashion show so I pulled myself outta bed and went to school. Did my part on the fashion show and now I'm home with make-up and sitting at my desk, not wanting to do math homework and fall asleep hehe. Yesterday was the first time I've ever just gone home, not touch my homework and fall asleep. Mmm, felt somewhat nice but also irritating because I like to complete my stuff or I feel like bothered. Talking about the brain and the function of memories which reminded me of myself. There's a lot of people who want to learn how to remember better or forget things and surprisingly I did both subconsciously conscious. The memories I created with him in the past, somehow my brain labeled them as important and I had easy access to them that at times it seemed like I was reliving them, which at times are a good thing and other times it just brings pain. Eventually I wanted to block them all out, It was difficult at first but I was able to block it out. Each time something would resurface I would distract myself with another thought or think of something unpleasant so that now when I try to remember something it just comes up blank. Odd heh? I guess at times out of nowhere a memory would pop up and I would be like wtf? But like a movie scene it comes and goes and I don't remember any of it afterwards. Details of the memories began to fall apart and the emotional connection disappears. I'm deriving different meanings from the same memory which makes it less secure and easier to forget. What I want to know in the end is, did I really forget it all or am I just blocking the memories? One day will they all come rushing back at me with all the emotions experienced then? 

1. 2. 

Hero.

You were my superman.

Photo Entry 2.

Mmm.

Fell asleep on the phone with Tommy. Wasn't sure who hung up but I checked my minute usage and apparently it lasts around 4 hours hehe. Woke up late for work, sheeet! Couldn't find anyone to cover my shift on Sunday so I'm gonna have to miss it. Feel like a total bitch now but meh. I need the money too. Wanna save up for a new car, for college, and my cosmetology license. Got it all it figured out. Gonna work for Wal-Mart once I hit of age so I have money to pay for beauty school. Once I have my license I'll work at a salon and the money I get from that will go towards my main degree which will be either something in the bio-science field or pharmacy school. Thinking about taking beauty school this summer but I'm not sure if I'll have enough time to take classes? Parents wanted to go to the temple( Quan Am) since Nhu Quynh would be singing but I was like meh since I didn't think Tommy nor Tony would go but apparently Tommy did? He called me and was like where are you? And I'm like wtf, I thought you weren't going so I didn't! Went out for frozen yogurt with Jae, then later on went and had a drink at a friend's house. Mmm, I loved the peach one! Drove on the highway too, woot. It wasn't nearly as scary as the first time I went with Corey. Ami says it seems as though I still have feelings for him, somewhat, since my voice softens whenever I talk about him? Is it true? Mmm, cause I don't notice that. I'm most definitely not going on the highway with my current car, gotta get a better and safer car! Grabbed some McDonalds on the way home. Gah, I really need time off to complete my assignments!

Plum tuckered.

Got called around 9am, asking if I could come in at 1:00PM instead of 4:00PM and I agree. Got called around 10 asking if I could come in at 11:00AM instead of 1:00PM. Blarg. So I basically had to work an 11-11 shift. Got lucky and things started slowing down around 8:00PM so I was allowed to leave and went out to eat with the family. How the heck am I gonna be able to finish up any assignments if every single day is used to work? Gah! 

1. 2.

Wanting a man who can care for me in every field emotionally, physically, and financially. Even though I seem well rounded, independent, and stable I still need to be sheltered and provided for. It's so difficult finding someone that you can fall for whole heartly and even harder for my parents and their parents to know each other and like each other. 

Tu Ngay.

Nothing new.

Really getting into textile design, my projects are actually looking pretty good. Wore my bumble bee skirt to school and got compliments on it. Family are suspicious and dislike new boys, approving only of the blinded past. Glad that we're nothing more than friends. No need for a deep sense of attachment, just good friends. No guilt, no priority. 

Li's birthday.

 Blah. Mother's renovating the house since Auntie and Uncle are coming over to visit. Making me pack my shit downstairs and upstairs. Wtf. Being so god damn irritating and annoying. Not wanting to take off school and work to go to Disneyland, Chicago, and Washington because it's just gonna be me being stuck and under the tyrant of Asian adults. Gah. Really wanna get away. Jae's driving scares the shit outta me, more than Jason and Ray's did! Gah, Our bill came up to over a couple hundred. We were all like wtf? Meh, been spending money too often this week. Gotta save and work more hours. 

Unplaced friend,

I'm not sure where we stand in each others' life or the importance of our position. Perhaps we're merely acquaintances with a mutual attraction or maybe we might be able to be something more than that later on. You mean more than a regular friend to me but we're not quite exclusive or anything of that sort. I really don't know what we are to each other but I know that I like being around you. Unknowingly you've warmed this cold heart of mine and left an imprint. I know I'm difficult. I get irritated easily but I try to get over it quickly because I want to speak to you. I'll understand if one day you don't want to be my friend anymore. Just give me a heads up so I can prepare myself but I really do enjoy our friendship.

Prom.

This is what I wanted to look like for prom night but things didn't go according to plan.

 I got off late and Ami wasn't home to do my hair, make-up, or nails. I had 45 minutes to get ready from changing out of my uniform to putting on my shoes and getting my ass out the door. Forgot my earrings and necklace. Had to curl my hair with a straightener since Ami gave away the curling irons to our cousin. When I went to go dance onstage the Indian girl saw me and was like "Omg, is that you Alena? You look so pretty blah blah blah." I was like wtf bitch? Why you actin' so fake? This is so awkward. So I was just like uh huh okay, I'mma shut my mouth and just stare at her and hopefully she goes away. Burning my shit, talking shit behind my back. Ain't gonna start anything but I ain't gotta be all cozy with you boo. Bought a change of clothes for after prom, which reminds me we almost accidently crashed Blue Valley's after prom hehe. Went bowling at Incredibles until 3AM in the morning. The next morning my parents hid my car keys and were off somewhere and I needed to get to work ASAP. Ah boy. They're starting to think I have a lover and they're freaking out. Ami was worried I would have sex and history would repeat itself, smh. There was no way to even do it ! Everybody was together every minute and goofing off like dumbasses and getting dipsy off of red bull.

Transformation of the chamber.

Skip to 1:15 for singing.

Có lẽ ông trời cho mình quen biết nhau 
Có lẽ ông trời muốn ta phải yêu mến nhau 
Nếu muốn mai này em được hạnh phúc ấm êm 
Chỉ còn một cách em phải bằng lòng yêu anh.

Cả trái đất này không ai hiểu em bằng anh 
Cả thế giới này không ai yêu em bằng anh 
Hãy cho cơ hội để anh được chăm sóc em 
Được ôm lấy em từng đêm.

[ĐK:]
Nguyện làm nô lệ cho em nguyện yêu em suốt cuộc đời 
Ân cần chăm sóc cho em từng giấc ngủ 
Ngày nào em cũng được vui ngày nào em cũng mỉm cười 
Nô Lệ Tình Yêu lyrics on ChiaSeNhac.com
Vì bên em luôn có anh kề bên.

Đừng nhìn xung quanh của em đừng nhìn bất cứ anh nào
Xin hãy chú ý một mình anh thôi 
Vì người yêu em là anh một người chỉ biết chung tình 
Người có thể hy sinh tất cả vì em.


Perhaps God permited us to be acquainted
Perhaps the heaven wants us to love one another
If you want to have a warm future
Just say yes to loving me

In this whole world no one understands you as well as me
In this universe nobody loves you as much as I do
Give me the opportunity to care for you
So that I could hug you every night.

[Chorus:]
I submit myself to be a slave of your love, promise to love only you forever
Even sleeping I still care for you
Everyday for you to laugh and smile
So I'll always be with you.

Do not look around you, do not look at another man
Please look at only me
Because the person who loves you is me who only knows loyalty 
Who can sacrifice everything for you.

The lyrics reminded me a lot of him and the past. So passionate about being a love slave because it allows him to be with her. Being happy that he's able to care and be with her despite her difficulties. Reminds me a lot of the past. Work was slow because of the Royals game tonight. Jonah, Issiah, and Conor came up and visited me during work. I was able to sit and chat for a while but I felt kind of bad doing that. Everybody joked around and I gave them all a hug and Jonah pouted about Issiah getting the first hug and such haha. They're so silly. And then they joked about cocaine and Jonah was being weird, asking to come home and shower with me. So odd hehe. So pooped. Forgot my boutineer at work, cross my finger that it didn't die or somebody take it. I'll be so piss! Anyways, gotta head to bed before I collapse at work tomorrow morning. Oyasumi!

Change of heart.

Days go bye.

A wise woman loves, but only kisses when she is loved; listens to discern who she can trust; leaves, but returns to one who is worthy.

Another time.

Faded.

Contemplate.

Why become anything further than friends? There is nothing to look forward to, there is nothing to nourish and grow from. I don't even know if being friends at the moment would be alright. To sink deeper than I already have, why? Only to get upset, lonely, and sadden. What's the point? I shouldn't have seen you in a different light than others. I should've kept you at bay. Shouldn't have indulged in the attention, should've have pushed it away. Finding myself in the position I once was, it's like deja vu. Waiting: waiting for those late night talks, waiting for a reply, waiting for a presence. Waiting for my turn of attention. Why? I don't know. It makes me frustrated, lonely, dejected. Why must I feel this way though? I have no obligation to be this way. I am not attached to anyone or anything. So I'm setting myself free. I do not wish to speak or see him unless necessary and when I do, I do not wish to have excess interaction with him. I will do what is expected of Saturday night but nothing more. I wish to cut off communications afterwards. Cruel? Maybe.

Wait.

Khong muon yeu, khong muon dau kho.

I have loved, lost, and learned.
So I wait and wait, for that one day when the right one will return.
I do not wish heartache or tears rather, simply a smile in return.

The attention I receive, I do not want anything further than that. I do not wish to fall in love with them, I do not wish to hurt them. Now is not the right time to be involved with such affairs. Friendship I will do, relationship I cannot.

Nghieng lai tinh yeu cho nguoi ta.

Fleeting feelings.

Sometimes you wait too long that things disappear and change. 

The more I get to know him, the more turn off I become. He does not possess the traits of the desired lover. He appears as a boy who needs to be sheltered and cared for rather than be able to protect and provide. 

As each day goes by, the deeper he goes into the friend zone. Why put me into a group chat if he does not talk to me and I end up talking to others? No more video chatting with me one on one. Basically, the chemistry is dying. Saying sorry whenever he thinks he fucked up, okay that's nice but that won't make me stop being upset. I don't tell him when I am bothered by something rather I just brush it off and not dwell on it because I don't want to make the same mistake of always being angry but the lack of attention is getting to me. Eh, he shouldn't get his hopes up for prom night or put too much effort into it because I will not accept his proposal. I don't want to be his girlfriend. I am not on 'reserve' for anyone. I come and go as I please, as a human being attached to no one. I sound like a bitch but it's better to not string anything along. After prom is over I will cut off contact since I do not want to make things awkward at the dance. Sigh.

Went out with Tommy for our sushi night. Daniel came along and they both got lost getting to my house heh and we got lost trying to find Haru's since he didn't go the way I usually do. You know how there's individual plates/bowls and then there's the big bowl for the main item that's in it? Well he took a piece of octopus and gave it to me. I thought it was pretty sweet and I can't tell if I should see that as anything special or if he's just the type of older brother/guardian type of friend? He was pretty nice and funny through the whole night. Wouldn't let me look at the bill and paid for my part which I felt bad on. When he dropped me off he was apologizing for being late since he got  lost, and not being able to hang out longer heh. How sweet. I don't think he likes me though? I can't really tell if he's just a really nice guy or if he has a slight crush on me? Eh, boys are weird.

Needed to get rid of storage on my camera so I posted up old photos and I have all these guys hoppin' on my ass asking if I'm back together with my ex. Haha, how funneh. Some are so quick about hooking up too. Heh, no thanks. There's only one guy I wanna bang but afterwards I'm leaving his broken heart but he actually wants a relationship. God I sound like a bitch who doesn't know what she wants haha. Anyways, apparently my parents heard gossip go down at the Asian Market about my ex and I and honestly I'm just like fuck it. Old news, what's new? Dad be throwing a bitch fit about me going out with Tommy and mother threatening me to not fall in love again. Sigh, you don't think after Corey I would be tuckered out? Bleh. 

  

Just another normal day.

Was so tired and sleepy during school today. Had a very, very difficult time staying awake even with cramming food into my system every so often. Gotta get fabric for my romper project and I wanna get it from Johanna's they have more variety than Hobby Lobby but I dunno where there is one and how I would get there. The wait for my hair is killing me! Gah, I want it now! Still gonna work on prom day, just gotta get home fast and early to get ready. Tommy's coming to pick me up around 7:00pm tomorrow night and then we'll head out. I wonder why he's traveling all the way from MO just to hang out and have sushi? Meh, maybe he doesn't wanna seem like a flaker? I doubt he likes me, I highly doubt anybody would be stupid enough to get emotionally attach to a person like me. I dunno about Jae either, it seems like the interest is slowly slipping away or the effort that was there in the beginning. Eh, it's okay. I haven't done anything so nothing is lost. It's better to know my place and not go beyond it. Why overestimate only to fall? Stay as friends with mutual interest, is it not better this way? I think so, the injury that might occur will not be as deep if things were to get serious. If I am to date someone again, I don't want to make the same mistakes. I want to go all out and love them without worries and hesitation so that if things do end, I won't have any regrets. I want to date to be together forever, not date only to get hurt in the end. 

What I've learned.

ST: There was distance, the difference of maturity, and moodiness. Both were tired of the absence of affection one could provide each other physically. 

AY: He lived in a world of fantasy, an idealist that could not perceive reality's harshness. It was difficult to socialize since  my parents were being difficult and my freedom was limited.

CK: Developed feelings were at different time. Both had been exposed to each other for too long. I was afraid of showing PDA since I believed it would be better off to distill concerns of our parents. 

JN: Still has the mentality of being cared for and protected but is sensitive to my emotions.

The other day Brandon started trying to talk to me again. When I was raising my hand out, he reached out and placed his next to mine and enclosed it, practically holding my hands and I was like wtf? He acted like a douche throughout the trip, treated me like leftover shit, and yelled at me whenever I tried joking. Picked up a new main Asian girl to hang around and dot on. I have no problem with that but if you're gonna try doing things to me on a friendly "friend's hangout date", get piss because nothing came out of it, then complain? Cool, I don't mind. Diss me overseas then come crawling back to be my friend and try things? Back off. The possibility of being close friends isn't even an option anymore. I don't hate you, but I will not tolerate any motives. 

Went to East's play today. My GPS kept going to sleep for some reason and I don't know why? So frustrating. When I arrived I noticed that Jae was crying, not sure what was up with him so I just let him cool off. Saw Mrs. Bush there and chatted for a moment, turns out he had her for 8th grade science! Mind over Matt was pretty hilarious, I was a bit confused at first in the beginning because I couldn't figure out that the other people were split personalities. Apparently he was waiting for me to make a move and hold his hand! Aha, I did think about it once or twice but his friends were there and I didn't wanna make a move with them there so I didn't. I tried to reach out and grab his hand but as my hand moved closer to his it started getting really weak and shaky so I pulled away heh. So embarrassed, not sure what happened that I just couldn't do it. I had a pretty nice time overall. 

Attraction.

More and more boys are jumping for an opportunity. They seldom know me yet they're immediately attracted. Is it for my appearance only? I see them only as good friends, I never thought of them as anything more. Old co-workers are hitting me up and confessing that they had a thing for me, former schoolmates would occasionally hit me up and compliment me, and then there's the people that just know of me and try to hit it up. I appreciate their flattery, comments, and affection but couldn't I get to know them as friends before moving forward? I admit, there are a few cuties but still. Hell, I don't even know if my heart is ready for such a commitment yet. I'm becoming so causal with sex that I'm just like can't we be friends with benefits instead of getting into a relationship? I sound like what I use to despise aha. Went out on for ice cream and chatted around with Ami, Uncle, and Jenny. Didn't come home until now so my assignments that are due today is pretty much fucked up. Gah, I don't wanna do shit. So tired of it all! Went to the mall by myself today and I'm so proud that I remembered the way! I mean, yes I did get lost for a while but I found my way out and somehow managed! Gah, I really need to know my streets better and learn how to drive on the highway. It's a time saver for sure! Well anyways, here's the dress that I almost got for prom! It's so elegant and looks a bit bridal-ish but it's so attractive! I'm thinking of coming back and getting it even though I'll probably end up wearing it for a photoshoot and stick it back in the corner of my closet. My prom dress is actually for once not black and white but a very bright and colorful one! Tomorrow is Olathe East's play with Jae. A bit upset with him since he won't spit it out. So shy and shizz yet he could poke fun of me like no other. When I went to get the permission slip today at his house and he wanted to give me a hug, I was like alright and didn't bother coming out since I was in a hurry and I noticed that when he leaned in and tried to hug me, groped my boob instead! I was like..did what I think happened..just happened!? Was it on accident or purpose? And I tried brushing it outta my mind since he didn't act weird and startled so he might've done it on accident without noticing but still!

Mother Nature.

Gah! Mother Nature, why you so cruel to us girls!? We have to go through the torture of leaky nipples, stretch marks, and periods! Isn't that enough? Yet you still make us have to be horny too. Wtf?!? Blarg. I get to be all about sex, sex, piss, piss, sad, piss, sex, piss, food, sleep for days. It's not like me! I'm not one to think of sex but damn, that's all that's been on my mind. Fucken ass. So piss off because of that. So cranky and piss at Jae too. Stupid. If I'm gonna fuck a hobo I might as well date him so I can have all the sex I want whenever I want! Whatever, fuck it. I want my sex! In an hour from now I'm probably gonna be crying for no reason. Damn, why the fuck am I so emotional with my periods nowadays? It's not normal. Well, enough about sex. Going to East's play on Thursday, kinda don't wanna go since I'm piss at Jae for no reason. The girls wanna go shopping for our dresses on Friday but I've got work and I'm already working on Saturday as well then heading out for my date with Tommy. And to top it off, make-up assignments. Ah fucken great.