Thursday, February 28, 2013

2 Moar Days!

This made me think of a past conversation.

A quick stupid photo since I don't have much time.

Didn't do much today. Went around gathering the assignments I'll be missing, grabbed a bite at Mickie D's and arrived home around 5. Slacked around and did some more packing. I think I've got most of it done. I'll just do a last minute check on Saturday.

Trong tháng này dang nhe con trở thành sáu tháng. Mẹ xin lỗi con. Mẹ nhớ con rất nhiều, con có biết? Bô con không tin, không thương mẹ con minh. Bô con bỏ rời chúng ta và đi yêu người đàn bà khác. Bô ghét mẹ, ông ta nghi mẹ nói dối. Mẹ con minh không cần ai tin, chỉ cần có nhau trong trái tim tôi. Mẹ yêu con mãi mãi, dừng bao giờ quên con yêu quý.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Flashback to the past.


Nobody ever thinks that they'd end because if they did, they wouldn't have started. 
There are times when I look back to the past and think of the happy memories we had. Sometimes I'll ask myself how you're doing and wonder if you ever think of me like I think of you but then I tell myself that it's better to remain unknown.

Just a mini update.

Too true. <3
Away we happened~
Reality vs. Expectations
Because memories don't change.

Sorry for not updating anything for such a long time! Nothing has happened much. Just been gathering assignments I'll be missing. Went shopping around with Brandon and Erin for the trip. Had an odd dream a week ago. I dreamt that Corey was getting all close and touchy and I was like wtf while trying to get away then the one I had last night he was in it, his new girl, and Josh. Somehow Josh and I were coupling up while they were our rivals. I kept thinking wtf? Why am I having these dreams outta nowhere? I don't wanna know anything about them or see them! In a way, I do want to settle things before I leave but there's also a part of me that doesn't want to see them. I don't want to know things that'll just cause more complications for myself - emotionally and mentally. Britney showed me the dislike on my memories && mistakes video and I had to snicker. I know who did it and I don't care. We can't be friends because too much has happened between us two. It's whatever with me. Life goes on. :)

The rest are just photos taken in between the last entry to this one.

Got a pedi and mani with shellac!
Hair and Face mask
Got rid of my long side swept bangs, not sure why they keep comin' back? It's either that I'm getting too lazy with trimming them every month or that it's time for a change!


Tuesday, February 26, 2013

I like you

I like you but I do not dare speak out
perhaps I'm hesitant perhaps I should go since there's no reason at all
I know I'm not as good as others so to say I like you is far fetch
love is a thing too high out of hand so if I told you my feelings it should be okay anyway
I'm know you don't want me to like you but I do it either way
I like to sit and watch your eyes when you're watching or looking
or every time you're silent and you scowl because you're unhappy
I know I'm not as fine as Baek Hyun Hyun Jung and someone you'd wanna called dear wife
but when you call me is little piggy I'm as high as the twilight stars
When you stretch out the word piggy oh how my heart weighs
with those big round eyes of yours
makes me almost fall
you're like the earth with many lovers orbiting you it makes me wanna faint
I'm like the moon from afar looking at my true love
and it feels as though I'm looking at something I almost already lost

3 minutes it is too short compared to a day
3 words of I like you it's too hard to express right
3 years so I've let time fly so if I don't take this chance it'll zip by
and 3 minutes is the time for me to say this all in my heart
love or like, or just to impress
I do not need to explain because in my heart it is true
each glance and smile of yours is like an injury to my heart
each gesture and action of yours I see is dear
because I like you, I do not know what or how to say
bring love to the light, I do not know what to do
for the first time in my life I know how it is to like a person
in everything, from the eyes to the smile
in the night dreaming about you, opening my eyes and seeing only you
is the feeling of waiting alone, it is being worried when you're angry
it is the first feeling and you brought it to me
but I have nothing for you to like
I do not have broad shoulders for you to rest on when you're lost
I do not have good health to go out with you
I do not have money to buy you pretty things
but I have sincere feelings that's never resting





Sunday, February 24, 2013

My daily event

Attended service at the temple today. Saw Tony, Tommy, and Daniel. Hung out with them a bit after service was over. I was a bit surprised to find that they didn't have Viet class today because of lion dance practice? Tony walked in on the worst time ever when I was stuffing my face with food that when he tapped me on the shoulder I turned around with a green bean poking out of my mouth and Ami witnessed it. That will forever remain the green bean episode between us. I swear, boys + food + me = disaster! For the first time since I've known him, he looked pretty darn cute! Surprise surprise, I couldn't get over it. Damn. Haha! Today was the first full moon after the lunar new year so it was somewhat a festival. Everything was about letting go of the past and looking forward to the future of possibilities and forgiveness.

Released goldfishes back to nature as one of the events.

Ewuh ewuh. I look chunky. I swear I didn't gain a thousand pounds that I'm heavy! I'm just 115 lb instead of 110.


Saturday, February 23, 2013

One day.

What I'll do;
-I want make a bento box for the one I love.
-Knit him a scarf when the cold starts a'creepin'. 
-I will surprise him spontaneously with affection.
-I'll create a scrapbook or maybe a video documentary. 
-Help him get dress.
-I'll deliver flowers to either his workplace, school, or home. 

What we'll do;
-Travel around Earth.
-Go duck paddling in the pond and lakes.
-Save lives.
-Live, learn, and love one another.

One day, I will love the right one but as of right now I'm focused on living my life, learning about myself and my environment, and loving myself. Working out to have a healthier lifestyle, further my knowledge, working and possibly getting a better or second job to support myself, enriching myself with talents. Someday I will have my perfect love story filled with tears, hardships, and imperfections but we'll reassure each other as we pull through and stay together until the end of time.

I only know how to play two songs on the guitar, how sad huh? I've put a pause on my two hour daily workout. My legs aren't SNSD anymore but I still love myself regardless. I've become more reversed yet lighthearted as well. I think I need a haircut? My hair seems a bit long haha. I need to brush up on my Japanese and Vietnamese. Gotta stop procrastinating on my assignments, gotta study well and earn those high marks. I've packed on a few pounds as well, mother seems pleased by that but I'm not. Must..work..out! Gotta stop eating so much pho and sitting on my ass from the snow days. Shoveled the driveway and my shoulder got so sore, blarg. Bought some of the things I need for the Japan trip. Mama went all out and bought clothes from a high end store for me while I was at work and I came home to it and I was like damn mama! That's a waste of money(cue the teary eye face), lol but I'm pretty touched.

I wouldn't mind dating a Vietnamese guy. It's not my top choice but hey there are pro and cons with all ethnicities. We'd have our own language to communicate in but truthfully I'd try to learn my lover's native language no matter what it be from Thai to French. I don't know, it just allows me to learn more about him and I'm able to integrate myself more into his culture. Which reminds me, I need to distance myself from a certain someone or stop the flirting in all because it's not fair to both of us. I could end up falling for him and if I was his girl I wouldn't be happy either even if it's harmless. FUUU, I hate these mind games. Why can't we just hang out and talk like normal friends. Why does he have to flirt and make all these moves!? Playing games that toy my heart and mind, why can't we just talk about life and cars like we did before instead of asking intimate questions and the physical contact. I'm not used to physical contact unless it's with my boyfriend! Bleh, I'll just stick with just being friends. No cuddle buddy or anything beyond a friend is set in my mind frame. 

 Starting to realize how different I'm beginning to appear since freshman year. My face has gotten longer, slimmer, and I actually look like a girl a person would wanna date lolol.
Pho a day keeps the cold away~

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Uno Snow Day.

Didn't do much today. Apparently John messaged me around 5:30AM to hang out before we'd get snowed in but I didn't reply since I was knocked out of course ahaha. Woke up to thunder but I thought it was just heavy snow falling off the roof. We finally get dumped a shit load of snow this year but I'm not building an igloo with him like I wanted to last year. Watched the Great Debaters and Hairspray 1988 for APUSH but I'm not really wanting to write an essay hehe. I'm so lazy. I should finish watching When Love Walked In with Victoria but I dunno. That was a couple drama I was watching with him in the past..




Change of heart.

I don't hold hatred in my heart. There are times when I go back to the past, relive the memories for a moment or two but then I come back to the present and move forward. Why hate someone who gave you the happy memories? You don't have to like them but why hate? It does no good. It's better off to love the past but not hate the present. Rather, see the person in your memories from time to time and thank them but the person you see in the present - just think of them as a stranger, as though they're not there. Don't pretend to be happy for revenge, actually be happy. I'm gonna be give up on love because of what happened, rather I'm gonna get up, and move forward, and restart. Why give up because of one bad thing? I'm not going to hate every mutual friend I have with Corey. I'm not going to think twice when I hear the name. I'm not going to hate Koreans because I too have other Korean friends that I knew way before any of this happened. I've always been fascinated by Thailand and I'm still going to learn the language and visit. I'm gonna bring a friend back to Vietnam. I'm going to be fine. I will live, I will learn, and I will love once again. 

The things he's been telling me makes me feel nice but I know it's wrong and the guilt is there. I don't know how to act, I don't know how to feel, it's all so strange. I shouldn't develop a connection deeper than friends because I know we won't be together. I'm not the one he loves. It's just a moment of loneliness. Sigh, it's okay. I'm not looking for love but I don't wanna cause pain for others, especially for another girl. All the signals he sent me, I just brushed them aside as a sign of alcohol or something causal. When he moved closer during the movie I thought I was hogging the screen, when he kept putting his hand on my lap I thought he was trying to break the ice + the alcohol, when he held me a bit longer than usual when we said good night I thought it was just me. I totally pushed all the possibilities away because I didn't wanna over analyze until he flat out said it. Looks like history repeats itself, I'm ignorant when it comes to guys trying to make a move heh.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 


Packing outfits.

Warning: picture heavy.

Packing my suitcase, started picking out articles of clothing and trying to see what kind of outfits I could create by mixing and matching. Gotta pack light this trip, only 4 outfits and one of them have to be "professional" looking for school visits and when meeting with local governments. Below are some of the outfits I created from mixing and matching. Honestly, trying to find something that looks classy without jeans is difficult. Thinking about bringing a dress but eh - I dunno. It's so difficult! 


Wednesday, February 20, 2013

10 moar days.

Just started to pack my suitcase LOL. I'm such a procrastinator. Unsure on what to pack and how much since I decided I'm only going to bring one suitcase and crossing my fingers that it'll be enough! Still need to go out and buy gifts for my host family. I'm not sure what to get my host mother and grandparents though. Gah! So anxious. Went to school in my PJs today with just a sports bra since I was too pooped out to change. Stayed up until 3:00AM finishing my essays for English and History. Stayed after school to throw and damn, I've forgotten how to throw on the wheel! I can't seem to center or maybe the clay's just a different texture from what I'm used to? I dunno. I'm coming back again tomorrow to try again! Unsure with what's going on in one of my friendship, he's a good friend and I don't wanna ruin what we have. I can't develop feelings for him but he keeps sending me mixed signals. Must not give in and stay friends! Don't wanna ruin what he has and I don't wanna be the intruding factor in his relation nor do I wanna be set up for something and be humiliated in the end plus I feel like he's pulling my leg for laughs or misses her. Anywhos, gonna have some drinks later on this weekend. Can't wait! Woot. :)

This little baby's gonna get stamped soon hehe.


Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Reminiscing.

I don't hate you. I don't love you. I don't know you.
I only know of the man who had won my heart.
I don't want this boy who appears in front of me now, so don't worry about me wanting to "take him back" or whatever. Looking back, it brings a smile to my face subconciously but when I think of how reality is at the moment, I just want to punch whoever you are now in the face.


Monday, February 18, 2013

I'm back!

Deepest apologies for not updating anything in the past 3 days! Been coming home late around 3:00AM and leaving early lately so I haven't had the chance to sit down and take a breather. I wasn't able to have the movie morning with John but we were able to have a movie night. Watched It's a Boy Girl Thing, typical chick flick and it was a nice way to kill time. Later on we went and hung out with other people, had a few drinks and watched them played COD. I was so weary and tired, I felt bad for falling asleep lol. He woke me up later and drove me back. Later on that night or morning whatever he said something surprised me and I was like, dude, you're drunk. So I didn't pay attention to it very much. The next night I asked him about it and he said yeah he was drunk so I was like okay, good that's what I thought but later on he said he was sober and he doesn't know why he said what he did. I dunno why either, I can only guess. Went over to MO last night, didn't get to hang out as much since I had to be home by midnight since I had been comin' home so late the previous nights. Been working 10 hour and 11 hour shifts - so dead tired haha. Went from hardly working anything to workaholic within the past week for Japan. Wanted to have a talk with Kayla but really couldn't on Saturday because I had work right afterward and I arrived 5 minutes late for the meeting because for some stupid reason I started driving to work instead of Olathe North. Gotta go buy two new small suitcases because the chaperones said to pack light since we'll be moving from one area to one another and we'll be the one carrying our own shit. Sad face - not many opportunities to wash our laundry either - bleck! Not as many chances to shop either since the whole agenda changed and it's gonna be more disaster orientated rather than our sight-seeing agenda from before. I still wanna go to an onsen though..damn! Been hearing the shit talking that's going around and really I don't give a fuck haha. Believe what they wanna believe - heck come at me and ask, not an interrogation because that shit is stupid and I'm not a convict. Hung out with Kayla from work and just chilled with her for a while, wish Leslie could hang out again. Would've been fun. Studied at the library for 4 hours and came home to a new friend. I was absolutely touched!

 You'll be seeing a lot of my new little friend in the upcoming posts. :)





Friday, February 15, 2013

Love Day.

Wah! So tired, there weren't much carhops today and the tips were stingy. Apparently I'm a horrible person lolol - I turned a date into a group hangout. Michelle was like "Oh my goodness, poor boy. He seems upset that we're here! Alena, why did you make us come along on your date!" And I'm like "Eruhh.. o ____ o" because I didn't view it as a date, just as someone to hangout with on V day so nobody gets lonely LOL. It was so awkward. Caught a movie, Identity Thief, and grabbed dinner at Applebees. Afterward I came home and started to clean out my room, found a note he had written to me in the past. It made me smile and somewhat sad. Oh well, he probably had a nice day. No worries about a girl getting upset because he was late for their date like last year. Sigh. It's whatever. Waking up early again to going shopping then I'm poppin' over to John's for a movie morning instead of a movie night since we both have work later on. I'm thinking about bringing over snacks..but I don't know what kind to get? Decisions, decisions. 

Still diligently working on the scarf as you can see lol.


Thursday, February 14, 2013

I ask why.

Why must there be tension, why can't we be friends, why can't we get along.
Must there be so much resentment and anger?
I want to say I'm sorry, not because everything is entirely my fault but so we could just make up and not have anymore ill feelings. Is it worth standing my ground? I find myself asking myself from time to time if I should come forward and make peace. I don't know what to do.
Thought about delivering flowers to him but I stopped myself short. Why am I doing this? I'm just setting myself up. I'd rather throw away the flowers myself rather than have him smash them around then toss it in the trash without a second glance. A waste that'll hurt less than an effort that'll mean nothing.

Almost done with the scarf! As crimson and bright as my love, as alive as this heart of mine, and as hateful as his dislike for red. I gave up on the booties I started for you, I'm sorry love. Mommy's no good with little feet. Four different guys want to spend Valentines day with me - after an eight hour shift. Sigh. Can't wait for February 15th - cheap chocolate for myself to indulge in.
Still in the process of the scarf.


Tuesday, February 12, 2013

かれしを愛する。

彼氏をあいしているがいたむ。悲しい、悲しい何をする?毎晩彼しいと思う。今、彼氏は私を愛しないです。彼しいとけんかしたないですよ。いたむ、いたむ。わすれたい。彼氏もわすれたい?さよなら、さよなら 私のあい。幸せにがしたい。




Just a memory.

That will someday fade into the background. Memories of the happy times, they sting for me. Obviously they never occur for him. Everyone saw me as a horrible person, they only saw the bad times. They never knew the smiles I brought, the effort I put in. Driving to his house after work to spend half the night with him because I couldn't sleep over, cooking him food when he got sick, softly kissing him when he fell asleep in my arms, feeding each other, collecting snippets of recordings and photos for a scrapbook. They never saw my side of love. They never experienced nor knew of my love yet so quick to classify it. The bowl I made for him, the red symbolizing the blazing flames of affection but at the same time representing the love I had for him had bloomed so beautifully even though it took a while just like the time I invested into the bowl. Each petal was hand crafted and placed one by one upon the bowl. Carefully etched his full name into the bowl, I etched him into my heart. What to do.

Others don't know how much love consisted in the food she cooked for him, the happiness she felt with each hug, and the pain embedded in tears when she cried. So let's just fall in love with kittens and puppies for life, nobody judges your relationship and nobody butts in.

 I am getting so god damn lazy. I'm behind on two projects in English and I show up without completed assignments each day. Wtf is happening to me. Gah, I need to stop! I'm not even getting enough sleep each night. Gotta get motivated. Not doing shit in Web Design either. History - hell I haven't touched a thing. I swear, I'm possessed or somethin'. I just wanna let it all go and mindlessly sit or have my nose stuck in the book I'm currently reading for fun, Sky Bridge, and it opened my eyes a lot about the choice I made. A mother who runs away is someone who is scared, scared of responsibility, scared of getting hurt, and scared of getting attached. I was able to relate to Libby a lot because of how she felt stuck to fill in the motherhood when she was only an aunt and the desires of Tess when she didn't want to be a mother. I'm like a mash of them both. Been talking to my host sister for a while. Gonna be going to school in Amori, Japan. So excited! We have so much in common haha. I hope we'll get along well! I'll be getting to school by bus which takes 60 minutes - sad face. First time I'll be sleeping away from home by myself. Well, I better start doing my homework now. Ja ne!

 Bought a few chests to store valuables. 
 It's bigger than my face! *o*

Monday, February 11, 2013

My reasoning.

Sometimes you spend so much time with an individual that you learn too much about that person and you get bored. I guess the comfort stage was entered too quickly? I'm not quiet sure. Sometimes you quarrel and walk away because you want the other person to grab you and tell you to stay. Sometimes you stay quiet and try to suppress emotions and thoughts to avoid a quarrel. &&Sometimes people just get bored of you after all the time spent together. It hurts. It feels as though you've been used, like an old video game they toss you out for a different game and not necessarily better. 
I hated how you lost your temper. Hated that side of you. I hated how you chastise me when I was only trying to be humorous. I begun to fear you because of that reason, always raising your voice, clenching your teeth, and slamming the things around you. You said you'd never hit me but still, you were so different from the beginning. I should've never asked you to change. I was in the wrong and I deeply regret and apologize. That became one of the reasons that made me contemplate whether it was still safe to be with you anymore but there was something that held me back. Even after everything that happened I didn't hate you, I didn't regret all those happy times with you but after being treated this way it started to make me reconsider. 
I don't believe I'm living in the past. It feels odd to have someone who once belong to you and you to them, not belong anymore. For them to belong to someone else, it feels strange and wrong. I'm not trying to get back with you. Sure, it would be nice if it came to that but I'll live without you. The way I've been treated makes me want to hate you but inside there's still a part somewhere that can't bring myself to hate you. Sometimes I just wanna lay down and let everything slowly disperse and fade into the horizon. 

Got teased by Kay and Ravon, saying that Ryan and I had a thing going on which is totally false but I couldn't help but blush because I noticed that he mainly talks to me than the other carhops. He came back up after his shift , which he complained about, to get food, how ironic I guess? Not really. Stayed out until 4:00am on Saturday night because I didn't wanna go home, surprisingly I didn't get in trouble. Parents actually didn't say a word and just thought I was sick because I was sniffling which I really couldn't help plus when I was driving home it was raining. I'm guessing this means I can stay out later? And possibly spend the night ahaha. Went to the temple on Sunday morning for service since my shift got switched to night. The lion dance was actually pretty good this year, talked to Donny for a while. Apparently they thought I was a new member for the youth community LOL. Sayin' that I was a bad girl for hella skippin' Viet class. Didn't get to talk to Tony or Daniel that much since they had to get ready for the dance. Thinking about joining Viet class with Tony when I visit. Got asked by two guys to be their Valentines and I'm just like "uh" since I have work on that day lolol. I dunno, maybe I'll have time? Friedo Potato wanted to head out to Applebees and I'm not sure what he wanted to do afterwards. I kinda want to go to his house and play with his husky haha. Sounds a bit odd that I'd wanna go to a guy's house to play with his dog? Got scheduled to work at 10:00am on Saturday even though I told him I could only work after 1:00pm since I had a Japanese meeting! Plus, we're having a get together afterwards haha. Which reminds me, I need to start packing! I'm not sure what kind of gifts I should get my host family. I wonder if my portfolio got passed around the students' hands like they do here, LOL. Unsure if I need to get another suitcase? Unsure on what I've chosen. The textiles class, I took it to be a better wife later on and now I'm just like dafuq? I mean it's fun but it's consuming and just so-so. I took it so I could patch, sew, and make things for him later on but now I'm just kinda like..I could just go buy whatever shit I need instead of spending hours sewing. Culinary classes? Same purpose. God damn. Haha, Books on love stories don't intrigue me as they did in the past. It's the same thing over and over again. I prefer reading things on hardships and life lessons. How odd. 

Sometimes I wonder if I should just smash this.

Tình đầu nào không tránh câu chia ly. Vội vàng rồi cũng đi thật mau. Miệng cười mà tim buốt đau từng cơn khi ngày xưa, con tim em đã trao lầm cho anh.
Nghẹn ngào hôm nay khóc cho hôm qua. Dòng lệ còn đang ước mi người đi. Giận lòng em sao đã yêu vu vơ tin về anh, con tim mệt nhoài trong đêm.
Ngày nào anh đã nói anh yêu em trọn đời anh chỉ yêu mình em. Để lòng em luôn tin về anh, anh càng cố dối em thật nhiều. Bởi đôi môi anh quá ngọt ngào. Vậy mà lâu nay đâu hay yêu người dối gian.
Một mình trong đêm vắng em lang thang tìm về những kỷ niệm ngày xưa. Người còn đâu nữa chỉ mình em đêm về giữa phố quen ngày nào. Lỗi do em đây quá thật thà, hay là do anh không thuỷ chung. hỡi người yêu hỡi , em vẫn lầm tin anh.



Sunday, February 10, 2013

Repetition.

Worked a 13 hour shift yesterday with only 4 hours of sleep. Fml. Gave Ravon a ride home and went straight to his house to "talk" since things were "getting out of hand". It wasn't even a talk, it was a fucken interrogation. I seriously drove all the way there after a double shift to be questioned and scoffed? Really? Wasted my energy, wasted my gas, wasted my time to be treated this way. Why do I set myself up for these things? Did I commit some unmoral crime? Why am I getting targeted like a wanted criminal, shunned by outsiders, and shit-talked on by many? My answers are unclear because I'm sketchy or because people refuse to believe? What more is desired? A photo of my pregnancy test isn't enough, an ultrasound with my fucken name isn't enough, what more do you want? The fucking remains of my child when it came out? Trying to prove myself over and over is tiring and pointless, it's not worth my time and it's a drain. Whoever wants to listen and believe can, whoever doesn't don't have to. I drank, I did stupid shit, but I paid the consequences and now all I wanna do is forget the emotions I felt towards an individual, forget the memories made, forget the good times. I just want to move forward.
By the way, this is my blog, my story, my thoughts - nobody forces anyone to read it.




Saturday, February 9, 2013

My answers.


Kizuna Japan Study Tour 2013-Due Feb 8 to your Sensei-please type in the text boxes below-please underline your answers.
These will remain confidential and will not be shared without your permission

Personal Goals Worksheet - 林アリナ
I.     Personal growth
A.         Consider your strengths - What are you good at?  What brings you a sense of accomplishment? (these could relate to sports, music, theater, church involvement, helping friends with problems, making friends, cheering others up, helping parents or siblings, community service etc)
One of my strengths is being able to observe, analyze, and relate to others.

One of my strengths is being able to observe, analyze, and relate to others. I am a quiet person at times because I am too focused on studying a person or subject and often times picking up little bits and pieces about them that goes unnoticed to others without having to be vocal.

I feel complete and relieved when I am able to finish my AP English essays in time after getting off a double shift but the thing that brings me a full sense of satisfaction is when I’m able to understand and develop a closer and deeper understanding of my relationship with a person whether it is a coworker or teacher. I’m able to sympathize and understand social relationships on a deeper level.

B.         Consider your weakness – Where do you lack confidence?  What do you wish you could do better?  (these could relate same topics above, but could also include shyness, being self-conscious in a group, getting along with others, being more group oriented / less self-centered, being better organized, etc)

My weakness is being too devoted and determined that often times it could be seen as being stubborn. Before I start a project, I fear of failure and when I’ve already started it, I don’t know when to throw in the towel because I don’t want to be a failure and lose all the efforts I had put in.  I lack self-esteem and often times I fake confidence that I seem narcissistic to a certain degree. Another thing I lack is trust. Sometimes I seem like I don’t know how to trust when I actually trusted too much.

One thing I’ve been trying to work on is friendship. Instead of hiding the turmoil or blasting unpleasant emotions, I try to formally present my objection to the person or people. If they do not want to continue the friendship then I will understand and not add fuel to the fire.


C.            Consider the aspects of the trip from a personal growth standpoint – Where might you anticipate opportunities for challenge and growth?  List them below :

Through the Kizuna trip I believe there will be language and culture barriers but through growing and learning together with the 22 other students the opportunities will overweigh the challenges and aide each student to grow internally to learn about themselves as well as Japan.


D.       Select one or two from "C" that you've listed above and write down some specific objectives,
          actions, methods or strategies you plan to use in order to show personal growth in those areas.

The language barrier only exists if one does not submerge themselves in the beauty of Japanese and its culture. By keeping up with my Japanese blog, diary, and exchanging emails with other Japanese pen-pals I will overcome the cultural and language barrier.

E.     How will you know that you've experienced growth or improvement in your area of focus?  (Examples: reflection, journaling, observing, documenting your perspectives, discussing with roommates/ friends on the trip or documenting (if possible) more measurable outcomes)

Through daily entries in my diary, I will be able to reflect back upon things I did not understand and through pondering and seeking answers to my questions I will have experienced growth. I also hope to video blog a portion of my days in Japan and afterwards when I return to watch and see the growth of my understanding of Japan.


F.        Follow up – Due March 22 via email to ddaughertyon@olatheschools.org
            - Unexpected learning.  Submit on a separate sheet of paper (typed) that describes something unexpected that you learned about yourself while participating on this study tour. 



These may be shared with teachers or administrators with your permission
Academic Goals Worksheet -               林アリナ
II.   Academic focus area
A.      Consider your academic strengths - What are you good at?  What brings you a sense of accomplishment?  What do you almost always look forward to studying or learning about? 

One of my strengths is art. Being able to bring out the beauty in a hidden item brings me happiness because I am able to show the world that even if something appears ordinary or gloomy, there is still beauty. In the darkest hours there is still light and where there is light there is hope for a better tomorrow. The tears won’t last forever because eventually they will dry and a smile will appear. Whether it be through words or an image – I am able to bring out what is unseen by others. In a way, I am an interpreter of hidden emotions and thoughts. I love studying a nation’s history because I am basically learning about thousands of people’s scars and their laughter. When I study history, I do not take it as facts and stories but rather the hardships people go through to finally reach the end of the tunnel and take a breather knowing that there is more ahead to be accomplished.


B. Consider the aspects of the trip from an academic standpoint – Where do you see opportunities to apply learned knowledge or concepts.  (Math, physics, writing, global studies/political science, cultural studies, Japanese language, Japanese history/geography, Web design, promotions, publications, transportation, etc).

There are endless opportunities to apply the knowledge that could be learned through this trip. The most important for me is by understanding the Japanese history. By understanding each other’s past a nation is able to sympathize but also learn and encourage foreign relations.

C.        Select one area you'd like to focus on and list some ways, methods, strategies that you could
           use in order to challenge yourself to learn more, apply learned concepts, investigate further,
          etc.

An area I would like to focus on is how the Japanese people were able to get lower radiation levels in their food to determine what was safe to eat and how they deal with nuclear energy now concerning  their diet.

D.      How will you demonstrate what you've learned?  What will you produce, create or document? 

Through daily snippets of my video blogging I hope to compile it all into one document to share with others at the end of the trip.

E.        Follow up – Due March 22 via email to ddaughertyon@olatheschools.org
            - Unexpected learning.  Submit on a separate sheet of paper (typed) that describes something unexpected that you experienced or learned about while participating on this study tour.  This reflection will relate to academic /educational topics.  

My child, I miss you.

Headed into work an hour and 30 minutes early, booyah ahaha. What kind of person am I turning into? I dunno. Lived off of ice cream and tea today. No proper meal or shit. Got an odd email in my inbox, not sure if that was on purpose or by accident. Was pretty disgusted and shocked today. Oh well, it's whatever. Life goes on. He just needs to stay out of dreamland. I've had enough of him in reality, I don't need his face appearing in my dreams. Why can't I dream about my baby again? I miss the angelic face I saw in my dreams. My sleepy butt who fell asleep on the stairs, the one I held in my arms as they fell asleep. I always have a pang of guilt and envy when I see other babies. I know you would've been the cutest out of them all. My love, my child. I hope my decision was right. Sometimes, I wish I hadn't been so scared, so rash. Fearful of your grandparents', my parents' reaction. Hiding everything, discarding all traces of evidence except for the "sanction" of my latop haha. How dumb right? It's just that your grandparents are nosey and poke around in my belongs without hesitation but they're hesitant when it comes to things they're uncertain of - like with technology. Would they have accepted you? I wonder. Your grandmother is always saying how a maiden has to know her worth and losing her value ectra. Would she have realized how precious you were? Would your paternal side accept you? Probably be hesitant. I don't know. So many what ifs cross my mind on a daily basis but my love for you is forever, you will never cease to exist within this heart of mine. You are mine.

I miss you.

You broke my heart.

I don't know you anymore.
I've lost all hope of ever being with the person I once loved. I went from wife material to being a psycho ex-girlfriend. How awesome huh? But actually, you know what's fucked up? Being all hot and heavy with a girl not even a month after breaking up with me when you know you had just lost your child. Not answering my calls or texts until your dad called you. If I had kept the baby, would you have manned up? Would you have been willing to tell your parents? Would you drop out of school, quit dancing, and get a job to support him or her? Or would I be astray for another 7 months. I dunno, maybe a man would've showed up and love me and your child. He might have taken care of YOUR child while you goofed off. Would you even be ashamed or would you be okay with your son calling another guy daddy while getting drunk and fucking with other girls? Would you even tell your parents that they almost had a grandchild? Or would you do as you always do - run away and hide. Do you know how fucken depress I feel and envious when my coworkers bring in their babies? I feel fucken torn to pieces. I wanted my child. I loved my child. Sure you can say if I loved it so much I should've kept it but how the fuck could I have? I don't have enough money, hell I paid for half the bills this months! How would I be able to afford hospital appointments every month? Then diapers, food, and clothes? Yes, there's the option of adoption but do you really think I would live to see that day? I would be whisked away to Vietnam to live with my aunts and uncle and they would've forced me to abort it or give it away when I'm not around because I've seen that happen before when I went to Vietnam in the summer. A family had sold their little boy to these British couples and the boy was around 15 months but he cried and cried for his mama. I get judged, I get pitied, I get scorned for my decision. I scorn myself too but what else could I do? Scared of being a single teenage mother, scared of being unloved and judged I did reckless things. I drank alcohol every night in hopes of a miscarriage and I worked myself to the bones to occupy my mind. Hiding my nausea during lunch, skipping Japanese class for weeks end, and insomnia every night. I began to grow attach to my child though but at the same time worried. I didn't have any money to provide for it and he or she was practically fatherless. Should I have messaged you? To go out on a limb once again to tell you the news? Even after rejecting my request to meet up so I could tell you face to face. So that you might scoff at it and deny the truth? Going through the abortion alone, do you know how fucken scared I was? How alone and tiny I felt? Of course you didn't. You were in disbelief, disbelief that such a thing could happen to you. I still forgave you, I still loved you, and I realize how stupid I was. To endure all this bullshit, to take all the blame, I don't have to and I won't anymore. To think that you got all those speeding tickets and started acting up because you were discontent with your life - because you were unhappy and you missed me and that if I just kept persevering we could rekindle. What a load of crap, right? I thought I knew you. I thought I knew the person I loved. The one who could do no wrong, my prince, who knew. You had girls all over, with their tongues hanging out from the Indian girl to the Korean chick. I on the other hand avoided the leering looks from guys because I felt guilty towards you, because I felt my heart still belonged to you. I would praise you in front of others while you complained about me, how naive of me. To destroy my love for you, because a bunch of girls told you to. Seriously? You said to keep the things we gave each other and I kept yours close to my heart by my bed but you dare take pictures while destroying it and to have the nerve to ask for the ring back? Really? Did you want to recycle it for the next girl? To recycle the promise of eternal love. You're not the man I fell in love with, you're not a man at all. You've reverted to a boy who only knows how to run away and lie. My heart, already cracked and frail - you decide to take a sledgehammer to it. You've broken my heart way too many times and way too deep this time. Really? You didn't deserve the chance to become a father. So go ahead and scorn me for my devotion, scorn me for my fears, scorn me for loving you too much. I tried to make things works, I tried to just be friends, I tried to try everything and now I'm going to try to give up. Life goes on unless one of the two people die the middle of it and all that's gonna be left is one fucked up memory from the past.


Friday, February 8, 2013

Can't escape.

Even in my dreams, you still linger. There's still the fantasy that we would reconcile and things would be happy again. I can't escape you both in reality and in dreamland.

Went out with a couple of friends, walked around the mall, talked for a long ass time haha. Came home around 2:00AM.

Contemplating on my story from time to time. Will it be understood, will it be well received? Sigh, or will it be met with indifference, with hostility.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Still etched in my heart.

You know what sucks?

Having your heart stolen. Every morning I wake up telling myself that I'm okay, that I'll find someone new. That what I had in the past was just a practice for the real deal, that there's something new in the future but the past keeps coming back. To have loved and lost is enough for others but I want to know why, why must I love only to lose? Does the pain I experience afterwards really compensate for the joy I felt? Who knew loving someone would hurt this much? Who knew love could suffocate and rip at your heart? There are times when I want to fall to my knees and break down, half screaming half asking how you could do this to me. How could you love someone else so quick, how you could forget everything, how you could not love me anymore. Sometimes I just want to scream profanity in anguish and wonder how it all happened underneath my nose. You don't miss me. You don't love me. I don't exist in your eyes. If loving was this painful, if loving was this difficult, I should've never loved you. I should've said no, I should've gone home, I should've though twice before I let it all go. I'd do anything to get that sweet, Laos boy back. The one who wrote my love notes, the one who sincerely loved me, the one who promised me the moon and stars and back. I should've never asked him to change. It's all my fault. Why do I take the blame? Why am I the miserable one? It's because I loved. I believed your words, your promises that you'd never leave me, that our love was forever. That we would be eternity.

What happens to a dream deferred?
It rots. It flakes and crusts as pus surfaces from within. It becomes a haven for maggots. In and out the little worms go. The once oh so beautiful dream I once had. Deferred, beaten, and dead. And with time it will turn into dust and blow away with the wind.

I, too, sing hope.
I am the darker one.
You send me to the corner,
When she comes,
But I smile,
And turn away,
And cry in the dark.
Tomorrow,
I'll stand in front of the world,
When she comes,
Nobody will dare steal my glory,
Then.
Besides,
One day you'll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed--
I, too, am you.

If I must die--let it not be like hogs
Beaten and scorned in an inglorious spot,
While round me bark the mad and hungry bitches,
Making their mock at my accused lot,
If I must die -- oh,let me nobly die,
So that my precious blood may not be shed
In vain; then even the ogres we defy
Shall be constrained to honor me though dead!
Oh love! I must meet the common foe;
Though far outnumbered and battered, let me show I am brave,
And for their thousand arrows of toxic deal one deathblow!
What though before me lies the open grave?
Like-wise I'll face the murderous, cowardly pack.
Pressed to the wall, dying, but fighting back!

If he changed for the better than is it better that he stopped being the boy who wrote love notes, stopped being the one who would hold me on those cold nights, stop wiping away my tears but most importantly he stopped loving me so he could love you. So it is better, for you but not for me.


Letter


Dear you,
Who's reading this letter
Where are you and what are you doing now?
For me who's 17 years old
There are seeds of worries I can't tell anyone
If it's a letter addressed to my future self,
Surely I can confide truly to myself
Now, it seems that I'm about to be defeated and cry
For someone who's seemingly about to disappear
Whose words should I believe in?
This one-and-only heart has been broken so many times
In the midst of this pain, I live the present
Dear you,
Thank you
I have something to tell the 17-year-old you
If you continue asking what and where you should be going
You'll be able to see the answer
The rough seas of youth may be tough
But row your boat of dreams on
Towards the shores of tomorrow
Now, please don't be defeated and please don't shed a tear
During these times when you're seemingly about to disappear
Just believe in your own voice
For me as an adult, there are sleepless nights when I'm hurt
But I'm living the bittersweet present
There's meaning to everything in life
So build your dreams without fear
Keep on believing
Seems like I'm about to be defeated and cry
For someone who's seemingly about to disappear
Whose words should I believe in?
Please don't be defeated and please don't shed a tear
During these times when you're seemingly about to disappear
Just believe in your own voice
No matter era we're in
There's no running away from sorrow
So show your smile, and go on living the present
Go on living the present
Dear you,
Who's reading this letter
I wish you happiness

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Honesty.

These past two days I had been feeling guilty and down. There were a few times that I became so stressed and scared that I couldn't hold in the tears but my burden feels so much lighter after coming clean. I was afraid she would be upset and disappointed in me but she was understanding and calm about it all. She assured me that we're still friends no matter what happens. I'm able to stop stressing and smile for a bit. I had a heart to heart with Kylie and it opened my eyes and calmed my senses about the my choice. She offered in telling Mrs.V but the deed is over and done with. Maybe if I hadn't rushed and done impulsive things I wouldn't have had the courage to do what I'd done. There will always be guilt and I will have to learn on how to cope with it but I'll be given the chance to be a mother again someday, when I'm ready. I just have to keep my head up high and take care of myself. Stop crying, stop being sad, and live.

I learned that I won't have to stay in a hotel the whole time and that I'll have a home stay experience. I wonder who will pick me? Will I have to write a portfolio like the exchange students? Will I be able to go out and meet new teenagers like me? I hope I make lots of happy memories and friends. I can't wait to try out their huge hot-tub like bath tub. I wonder if we'll continue with the schedule with staying at the 5 star resorts for a few days or not? If we'll still go to shrines and onsens? I hope so!