I've lost all hope of ever being with the person I once loved. I went from wife material to being a psycho ex-girlfriend. How awesome huh? But actually, you know what's fucked up? Being all hot and heavy with a girl not even a month after breaking up with me when you know you had just lost your child. Not answering my calls or texts until your dad called you. If I had kept the baby, would you have manned up? Would you have been willing to tell your parents? Would you drop out of school, quit dancing, and get a job to support him or her? Or would I be astray for another 7 months. I dunno, maybe a man would've showed up and love me and your child. He might have taken care of YOUR child while you goofed off. Would you even be ashamed or would you be okay with your son calling another guy daddy while getting drunk and fucking with other girls? Would you even tell your parents that they almost had a grandchild? Or would you do as you always do - run away and hide. Do you know how fucken depress I feel and envious when my coworkers bring in their babies? I feel fucken torn to pieces. I wanted my child. I loved my child. Sure you can say if I loved it so much I should've kept it but how the fuck could I have? I don't have enough money, hell I paid for half the bills this months! How would I be able to afford hospital appointments every month? Then diapers, food, and clothes? Yes, there's the option of adoption but do you really think I would live to see that day? I would be whisked away to Vietnam to live with my aunts and uncle and they would've forced me to abort it or give it away when I'm not around because I've seen that happen before when I went to Vietnam in the summer. A family had sold their little boy to these British couples and the boy was around 15 months but he cried and cried for his mama. I get judged, I get pitied, I get scorned for my decision. I scorn myself too but what else could I do? Scared of being a single teenage mother, scared of being unloved and judged I did reckless things. I drank alcohol every night in hopes of a miscarriage and I worked myself to the bones to occupy my mind. Hiding my nausea during lunch, skipping Japanese class for weeks end, and insomnia every night. I began to grow attach to my child though but at the same time worried. I didn't have any money to provide for it and he or she was practically fatherless. Should I have messaged you? To go out on a limb once again to tell you the news? Even after rejecting my request to meet up so I could tell you face to face. So that you might scoff at it and deny the truth? Going through the abortion alone, do you know how fucken scared I was? How alone and tiny I felt? Of course you didn't. You were in disbelief, disbelief that such a thing could happen to you. I still forgave you, I still loved you, and I realize how stupid I was. To endure all this bullshit, to take all the blame, I don't have to and I won't anymore. To think that you got all those speeding tickets and started acting up because you were discontent with your life - because you were unhappy and you missed me and that if I just kept persevering we could rekindle. What a load of crap, right? I thought I knew you. I thought I knew the person I loved. The one who could do no wrong, my prince, who knew. You had girls all over, with their tongues hanging out from the Indian girl to the Korean chick. I on the other hand avoided the leering looks from guys because I felt guilty towards you, because I felt my heart still belonged to you. I would praise you in front of others while you complained about me, how naive of me. To destroy my love for you, because a bunch of girls told you to. Seriously? You said to keep the things we gave each other and I kept yours close to my heart by my bed but you dare take pictures while destroying it and to have the nerve to ask for the ring back? Really? Did you want to recycle it for the next girl? To recycle the promise of eternal love. You're not the man I fell in love with, you're not a man at all. You've reverted to a boy who only knows how to run away and lie. My heart, already cracked and frail - you decide to take a sledgehammer to it. You've broken my heart way too many times and way too deep this time. Really? You didn't deserve the chance to become a father. So go ahead and scorn me for my devotion, scorn me for my fears, scorn me for loving you too much. I tried to make things works, I tried to just be friends, I tried to try everything and now I'm going to try to give up. Life goes on unless one of the two people die the middle of it and all that's gonna be left is one fucked up memory from the past.
