10312012

If he's going to be my friend just because of 'that' then why bother? I begged to be friends in the past, before I knew of your presence, but  he pushed me away. Now that he's learned of what I've been through, he wants to be friends? No.

While I was struggling, with tears and a broken heart, he pushed me away. He wanted to get as far away from me as he could. Told me to move on, because he'd just hurt me when he moves on. That I'm just lowering my standards when I was on my knees, begging for another chance, but he turned his back.  He doesn't want a relationship out of pity because that's all he feels towards me. Pity, not love, so let's not have a friendship out of pity either. He was okay with saying good-bye so I'll learn not to look his way when we pass in the streets.

I don't want to be toyed with. If you love me then hold me forever and don't let go, I guarantee I won't either. if you don't then don't torture me with false feelings and riddles. Don't pull then push, it's stressful.

Car's acting a bit wacko, will probably either change or try to fix whatever's wrong with the tire/whatnot. Woke up this morning with a blood all over me, guess blood clots hasn't formed yet. Been having this weird clawing sensation downstairs, wtf is going on? Went straight to work after school and got off around 10 o'clock even though I was scheduled to get off at 9 but it's okay. Was busy the whole time so no time for a break or stop. Sold +1,300 corn dogs. Hopefully we'll win! Tips weren't well except for a $5 and an $8 tip from two male customers. Joanna and Conner came to visit me around 5, and Joanna ordered 14 corn dogs and ate them all at once because he wanted to support me so badly haha. Ami, Dudley, and the kids visited me, everybody thought they were super cute and Kay allowed me to go out and say hi. So nice of her! Jenn and Sutton came by and visited me around 7ish, it was getting pretty chilly and they were in costumes. I was kind of disappointed that I couldn't stay and chat for a bit but she left me a loving message. Hoi, Alex, and Sam came just as I was getting off haha. Scared me for a second cause everybody were in full costume. They ordered 20 corn dogs haha, didn't even know it was them! Thought it was just a bunch of teenagers with the munchies after smoking pot. Chit chat for about 5 minutes then I had to go since it was late and cold. Brought so much food home though haha, my arms were full even though I couldn't eat any of it. Had tator tots, corn dogs, subway, and drinks. Haven't done any of my homework but oh well. I'll finish it tomorrow in seminar haha, hopefully! Wells, happy halloween everybody and a great big ol'e I love you!

10302012

You're gone. I don't know how or why, except that it's for the best. Nervously went into surgery today. First they numbed me, then came the shots with anesthesia. I started laughing outta nowhere and was in a happy mood but then I grew tired. Funny thought though. When the doctor was yanking, carving, and pulling I had my eyes closed. He came into mind out of everyone else that could've. His last words kept ringing, "I don't want to live a cycle of pain." I kept wondering, why am I thinking of him? He doesn't even know or care what I'm undergoing right now! Came out really drowsy and out of it. I'm still bleeding like crazy but I'll get over it. My face is still swollen and a bit pale but it's okay! Hopefully I'll still be able to function tomorrow at school and work.

10292012

Got checked out early, and started getting weird stomach cramps. Arrived at the office alone. it took 2 hours since they had to get papers sorted out, let the people know what was needed, and got things ready for tomorrow's surgery. Swung by the eye doctors to pick up Mommy's glasses, then McDonalds for an egg nog shake but they didn't have it so got a pumpkin shake instead. It was pretty delish! Getting checked out early tomorrow again for surgery, then to work I go. Hopefully, it won't have too much complications if not I'll have to try and find someone to cover. Gonna overdose on pain killers before -just- to make sure I don't feel too much pain while they're sticking the needles in or soreness afterwards. Gonna be sore and aching like a mofo afterwards. Hopefully I can still work on Halloween though.

10282012

Worked an 8 hour shift. Got home late and haven't done any of my homework, not to mention I have make-up tests tomorrow and a check-up. Then having my surgery on Tuesday BUT I'm also scheduled to work as well. Hopefully I can get someone to cover if my parents don't let me go. Got 30 hours this week but I also got called in for Wednesday since we're participating in the competition. Ah, working will earn me some more money that I will need soon and help pass time. I have started taking up knitting, once I get the hang of it I will start knitting you booties and a hat my love. Can't wait to see you in them. I hope you'll like it. <3

Congratulations.

We will forget you. After finding out, I know we will never get back together. I won't tell you. It's better off unknown to cut off all ties. I'm not doing this so you can have a relieved life, play games, dance, and such. I'm doing this because I spite you. I want him/her to spite you as well. You took something precious of mine and unintentionally left a little present.

So avoid us. Run and never look back.

Our good-bye; RIP you&me.

I had butterflies in my stomach but my mindset was set on the negative because when you're already expecting something and it happens, you can't get any lower. I'm proud of myself for not letting the tears and emotions rush out. Letting you know the things going on inside my mind did nothing. It hurts when you speak of your next girlfriend and of mine next so calm and normal. As if it's just the weather. It started with fear and caution, ended in jokes but it's the jokes that cut. I left with a brave face but had a break down while driving home because it's good-bye. We're murders. Burying something that's alive, to suffocate, kill, and forget.

Your arms were hovered, hugs were short and distant, and lips cold. Your words provided no comfort, just heartache and sorrow. 

The hardest part of dreaming about someone you love, is waking up to see that person is gone. It takes seconds to say hello, but it takes forever to say goodbye. Moving on is easy, but what you leave behind is what makes it hard. 

I can see.

You no longer love me. You're moving on and forgetting. Why bother hanging on? It's hopeless. I have to move on and forget you, us, and bury the memories.

What to do?

You say that you don't want to live in a cycle of pain, that it's not me but you because you don't fit my standards, yet you still love me. If you still do then why are you hurting me? Pushing me away because it's uncomfortable since I still love you and want to get back together. My niceness is unreal to you. What am I do to? You appear upset and easily agitated by me. I cry because I'm sad that we're over, you scream and cuss. Why? When I talk about us, why do you get annoyed? I try to get closure by being friends but you don't want to talk to me either way.

I drove to your house last night to talk things out and missed you since you were out, you get angered. Stating that if I don't come over right now you'll be pissed. I couldn't because I already came home and couldn't get out again. I texted you about meeting up today at but you never replied. I called you around 4:50 yet you only turned the video game noise louder, not speaking a word. Later you call asking where am I and if I'm coming with harshness in your tone. I answer that I can't since it's too late. You get angry again, stating that I always do this and that you don't care anymore.

Why are you so cold towards me? I thought you still loved me, so why are you being so hurtful? You say you don't care yet you get so worked up towards me. I asked if you wanted us to hate each other. You say there's no reason for that yet the way you're treating me is as if you already hate me.

Are you testing me? Are you trying to make me hate you? I'm trying so hard to show my love, my devotion but you say I'm just lowering my standards. You treat me so horribly now that I just want to cover my ears when you speak to block out the vitriolic words. The words that came out of your mouth last night made me realize the kind of guy you've become. You're not the boy I fell in love with. You're full of hate and venom, spitting even at me. I woke up this morning thinking I'm finally starting to move on. My mind didn't linger to you as much, I didn't cry when you lashed out at me. It's not until now that I became sadden. I'm upset though. Upset at the way you're treating me and how I'm just taking it, that I'm still groveling at your feet while being kicked in the face. What am I to do? Keep hanging on, in hopes that you'll realize my love for you and reconcile? Or cut you out of my life and hate you forever? Move on in life, love no more and live in an icy world while taking pleasure from play with others' hearts like disposable dishes?

I just want to know;

Are you testing me?
What about me makes you act so cold when you said you still love me?
How did you become so hateful?
Let go and forget or hang on?

Am I just hurting myself?

Devoting myself , trying to get him to see my love. Am I driving him away? Or is he not even there anymore?

I just wanna

Hold you and never let go. You'll let me, right? Even if you don't, I'll still do it.
I'm waiting for your return.

Hope

Before work, I went and bought materials. During my break I worked on it. After work I drove straight to his house to deliver it.

I hope you see my sincerity and how much I love you.

Post emotions.

I was a corpse. Without strength in my legs and a numbing feelings shooting from my elbow to my fingertips, I almost got hit by a car. I took the ACTs with only three hours of sleep, then went home to continue crying for another two hours. I cried so much that my mother thought I was going crazy or possessed. She began to beat me to stop me from crying but I only cried harder. Not from the pain of her hitting me, but from my foolishness. From the pain ripping my heart apart. Each night I cried myself to sleep, waking up with red puffy eyes and a pale face. Who was this person in front of me? If I died then, would he even care? If it had not been for my mother pulling me back out of nowhere, I would've been hit and died.

I have no appetite, surviving on liquids to sustain myself. I've dropped to 95 LB. Waiting by the phone every second of the day, for a text only to be disappointed with a cold blunt reply. Taking up whatever shifts I can without rest to occupy myself yet I still find my thoughts lingering back to him, where my heart has been thrown out and broken to pieces.

Why am I like this? Why am I hopelessly in love with a person that doesn't care nor love me anymore. Why am I hanging on? Why am I destroying myself when I know that won't bring him back?

Simple. Because I love him. I want to give it one more chance before letting go. I want to show him my sincerity, the love I've been hesitant to reveal all this time. If he still does not love me and does not want me then I will understand. I will let go and forget the memories I've cherished, the past I once loved. The person that was once my world will die in my heart and mind. I will not appear in front of him ever again. And I too will fade and die in his life. But I don't want to let go. I still love him. I still love you.

If you're there.

I'm sorry.

For the stressful environment. You're destined with a lost child no older than yourself but I promise you, you will be my number one. You are the birth of two people's love but you will only have mine from now on. Forgive me, because you will not have him in your life. I'm at a loss of actions. I don't want you to be known if you will be rejected. I love you.

VG

Fuck them all. Play to your hearts content. Have an affair with it for all I care. I'm done.

My thoughts on Amanda Todd:

Amanda Todd was foolish for flashing her boobs, ever heard of stalkers and pedophiles? I understand you made a mistake and people are being dicks about it. Take a stand, fight if you have to! I've been physically bullied for my lack of English, well look at me now! I'm in AP English and every other kind of AP classes! Everybody gets bullied sometime in their lives, it's your choice to endure or break it. Tell the authorities, if nothing gets solved then fight and bring your opponent down with you.

&&To everybody else. Don't pretend to give a shit. You didn't know her so don't act as if you're mourning for her. She died and got her 15 minutes of fame. Get over it and move on. Why aren't you taking a stand for others who are actually getting bullied in front of your eyes? Or are they "too ugly" and their deaths aren't a fad yet?  Call me a bitch, or wish for me to get raped but the magistrate lies in your own heart.

Medical Jobs

Registered Nurse(RN)
Requirements: Bachelor’s degree, an Associates degree, or a diploma from an approved nursing program.More and more hospitals are requiring that new hires have at least a BSN degree.
Education: Associate's
Duties:

• Record patients' medical histories and symptoms
• Give patients medicines and treatments
• Set up plans for patients’ care or contribute to existing plans
• Observe patients and record the observations
• Consult with doctors and other healthcare professionals
• Operate and monitor medical equipment
• Help perform diagnostic tests and analyze results
• Teach patients and their families how to manage their illnesses or injuries
• Explain what to do at home after treatment

$64.5K

Medical and Clinical Laboratory TechnologistsRequirements: Needs a bachelor's degree and must pass an exam. 

Education: bachelor’s degree in medical laboratory technology. Prospective medical laboratory technicians must complete an associate’s degree program.
Duties:

• Analyze body fluids such as blood, urine, and tissue samples to determine normal or abnormal findings
• Collect and study blood samples for use in transfusions by identifying the number of cells, the cell morphology or the blood group, blood type, and compatibility with other blood types
• Operate sophisticated laboratory equipment such as microscopes and cell counters
• Use automated equipment and computerized instruments capable of performing a number of tests at the same time
• Log data from medical tests and enter results into a patient’s medical record
• Discuss results and findings of laboratory tests and procedures with physicians
• Supervise or train medical laboratory technicians

$46.5K

Pharmacists
Requirements: have to taken postsecondary courses such as chemistry, biology, and anatomy. Applicants need at least 2 to 3 years of undergraduate study; for some programs, applicants must have a bachelor’s degree. For most programs, applicants also must take the Pharmacy College Admissions Test (PCAT).

Pharm.D. programs usually take 4 years to finish. require applicants to have taken postsecondary courses such as chemistry, biology, and anatomy. Applicants need at least 2 to 3 years of undergraduate study; for some programs, applicants must have a bachelor’s degree. For most programs, applicants also must take the Pharmacy College Admissions Test (PCAT).

Education: Doctoral or professional

Duties:

• Fill prescriptions, verifying instructions from physicians on the proper amounts of medication to give to patients
• Check whether the prescription will interact negatively with other drugs that a patient is taking or conditions the patient has
• Instruct patients on how and when to take a prescribed medicine
• Advise patients on potential side effects they may experience from taking the medicine
• Advise patients about general health topics, such as diet, exercise, and managing stress, and on other issues, such as what equipment or supplies would be best for a health problem
• Complete insurance forms and work with insurance companies to be sure that patients get the medicines they need
• Oversee the work of pharmacy technicians and pharmacists in training (interns)
• Keep records and do other administrative tasks
• Teach other healthcare practitioners about proper medication therapies for patients

$111.5K

Physician Assistant
Requirements:have a bachelor’s degree. Then, they must complete an accredited educational program for physician assistants. That usually takes at least 2 years of full-time study and typically leads to a master’s degree. All states require physician assistants be licensed.
Education: Master's
Duties: practice medicine under the direction of physicians and surgeons. They are formally trained to examine patients, diagnose injuries and illnesses, and provide treatment.

$86K

Desired Family Members.

I plan on adopting dogs in the future and these are the breeds I'm considering. If anybody knows a reputable person that are selling any of these breeds please message me (except the pit bull because I am willing to adopt from pounds/shelters which are full of homeless doggies). I plan on living alone, maybe with my future spouse but I do not plan on having kids so that should not be an issue with these type of breeds however I will be having felines and other small canines as part of the family. I am looking to adopt anywhere from the ages of 7 weeks - 2 years.
Note: I am wanting a guard dog but he/she has be able to "socialize" with other people and dogs. By socialize I mean be able to stay calm and not attack, kill, chase them on sight.

Pit bull

Pros: Territorial. Well with children. OK in apartments.
Cons: Prone to hip dysplasia, hereditary cataracts, allergies to grass and congenital heart disease. Average shedder. 















Tamaskan

Pros: Balanced temperament
Cons: Not a good guard dog because of friendliness. Stubborn.






Czech Wolfdog

Pros: Learns easily. Does not bark often so traditional training may take some time. Healthy; prone to hip problems.
Cons: Should live in a climate that's not too hot.Temperamental. Sheds often and heavily. 







Japanese Akita (NOT AMERICAN)

Pros: "First class guard dog". OK in apartments.
Cons: Prone to thyroid, hip, immune, and skin health problems.










Malinois(Belgian Shepard)

Pros: Territorial, obedient. OK in apartments. Has only minor health problems such as skin allergies, eye problems, excessive shyness, excessive aggressiveness and occasionally hip dysplasia and elbow dysplasia. Light shedder. 
Cons: Prefers cool climate. Becomes destructive if bored. Not well with non-canine animals.