Parting ways.

The snow today was pretty but it almost made me late for school! Had to run like  mad woman to first period without my English binder and I still had my marshmallow coat on. It wasn't a difficult day, just a dissecting day in English haha but I got the gist pretty well. If I work on my bag in seminar tomorrow then I might get it done! Crossing my fingers that I'll be able to. Well, I was sitting in 5th period and I started feeling a bit wet down there. I was like eruh, did I start already? There was nothing this morning! So afterwards I went to the bathroom and I was like omfg! I was praying that it wouldn't bleed through before I get home after school's dismissed because I didn't bring any pads and it was flowing pretty heavily. After I got home, my lower back started aching and I was like, really? Ugh. So I went and soaked myself for half an hour or so after washing up. Sigh, I think I know why John started talking to me again and it's not his curiosity that bothers me but the answer to his question that does so I just avoided the question and changed the topic. I don't wanna dwell on it. Friedo Potato is still jealous of Kyle even though I came and visit him at lunch as usual. Ami thinks I should date Kyle Nations and I'm like eruh, no. He was a jerk in middle school haha but he's okay now I guess. Not my type of guy, neither is William. I can't stand self-assertive guys. I don't want someone who doesn't take their education/future seriously, someone who swears excessively, and someone can't accept me. Many boys love me but they'll never truly love me. They'll love what they think, an illusion but it's until they uncover the veil do they see the truth, but do they still love me? 

He who loved too much seems as though he never once loved at all.

-A person who appears cynical and cautious of love isn't because he's never loved before but because he loved far too much and it left a scar upon his heart.

When you have a good heart, you help too much, you trust too much, you care too much, you love too much, It always seems like you hurt the most when people take advantage of your kindness. But that good heart is what makes you alluring and radiant among others.

-Sometimes, you -think- you found the perfect one. The one who wouldn't take you for granted and treat you as though you're their earth and sky. It's only after they leave you tattered and with broken promises do you realize you shared your heart with the wrong person but it's life and you learn from the heartache. Gotta get up and forge on in life with smiles and the lessons learned.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” 

I think I'm finally starting to move on, I've finally accepted reality, and I'm letting go so good-bye. You may have left before I was ready but you left me so many emotions, so many life lessons, and so many scars upon my heart. I went to heaven and hell because of you and through those experiences its made me who I am today, whether it be beneficial or harmful. Perhaps I should thank you, thank you for setting our fates free from one another. Thank you for giving me the experience of a mother, thank you for teenage love and heartache, thank you for the happy and painful memories. They come flashing back once in a while like clips of a movie but no longer does it play at the heart string. Sometimes, I wonder why couldn't we be friends? But I know why, because we've been through too much and know too much about each other to safely associate just yet. There are times when I wish to communicate and see how you're doing but I fear I will find out information that would upset me so I turn away. Turn away from you, turn away from the past, and turn toward the path in front of me. I don't hate you, I don't love you, I'm indifferent. You're part of my past and erasing you would be erasing a part of myself. I just have to pick myself up and take what I've learned from this, from time to time I will walk past the sculpture in my memory but with harmony rather than with despair. I will stay true to myself and true to my potential.

My day.

Ended up being late to school because of traffic and the rain. Bleh, rain through the rain into my school and I was soaking from head to my little open toes. Ms. Smith wasn't in today so it was a pretty relaxing day, again! I feel bad but it really is just relaxing whenever we have a substitute in that class, not that I hate her or anything. Didn't do much progress during class in Textiles until I came in after school for Sewing Club. History is actually getting more and more interesting since we're going through the segregation period of America and the lectures are pretty awesome. Genetics isn't as interesting as before in the beginning but it's still not bad. Ate lunch with my former lab partner, Kyle, the one I thought was pretty cute and smelled great. I had a slight attraction to him but not anymore. I think he did get contacts though and he's starting to get a bit cuter aha but I don't see him in that light anymore. Justin Bieber boy and I don't talk anymore and it's pretty much whatever in class. He's not that cute anymore either. Bleh. I don't think anybody is cute ahaha. I mean sure, they may be attractive or average looking but I don't feel any pull from them. Anyways, back to Kyle. So I spent lunch period just talking about Bioscience and education with him and usually I spent half of my lunch period with Carolyn and Jensyn then with Friedo Potato but I decided not to today plus he's starting to get close with someone I'm not fond of so I'm somewhat upset about that. I had just walked into 7th hour and he was already throwing a fit. Crying that I had ditched him for a dude around his height and because Kyle's hairier so that's why ahaha. He got so jelly and started making faces at me throughout the whole period. Then towards the end, he was asked if Kyle and I had a thing lolol. Funneh. He sounds like a jelly boyfriend already but we're just friends. John texted me last night around 11:00pm outta nowhere and that surprised me. Wonder why he did and now out of any other time? Oh well, it's whatever. The thing that I had been afraid of him corrupting isn't there anymore so there's no worries. 

Pose & snap. Didn't bother lookin' good and wasn't in a mood to take photos.

Story of a refugee's child.

This is the story of me, starting way back before I was born. 

My father's side, of the Ming dynasty, fled after the Shun dynasty was created and resided by the Chinese border of Vietnam. Fast-forward to my the time of my dad in his late 20s/early 30s during the Viet Cong movement. Him and his younger brother set out and become boat refugees. 

My mother's side, of full Vietnamese heritage lived in Northern Vietnam. During the war between the North and South, her father, my maternal grandfather had bought two boat tickets for my aunts but one of my aunt would not go because she wanted to stay back with her lover. My mother had just came home from work only to find herself being rushed to pack her clothes as quick as possible and board a boat with her younger sister. 

My father and mother met on the boat. My dad was the boat driver because he could tell navigate by the stars. My mother, was just a passenger; one of the most rebellious and unafraid lady upon the boat. They finally arrived on Hong Kong shores after so many months when HK was still under British control. My parents married each other in Hong Kong and lived in the refugee concentration camps for years. My elder sister had a high reputation among the other parents and children. When my father would go out to work, my mother would stay inside with my sister and they wouldn't communicate because she only spoke Cantonese. Often times the police officers would come to sit and chit chat with my sister. Three years later I was born, but this time my family had been transferred to a different refugee camp. My sister and I were born in the same hospital though, Prince of Wales. We lived in Sha Tin for some time but we lived mostly in Kowloon. Finally, we were sponsored by the government to come to America but we had to go back to Vietnam to get our papers filled out. It took a while and soon my sister forgot how to speak Cantonese because my maternal side was afraid of not being able to communicate with their granddaughter. At the age of three, I came to the US of A. We had help with translators and assistance in integrating in the white world. We were required to attend Churches and read about God, the ways of Catholics and Christians but after all these years we still retain our Buddhist religion and follows the old ways and beliefs of back in the East. As Asians, my sister and I were victims of racism and bullying for being different. Not only from white people but from others such as the Mexicans and Irish. Unable to speak English, my sister would often have to resort to violence to protect herself and I. As a 1.5 generation, my parents being the first generation because they're the one who moved themselves to a different country and my sister and I as 1.5 because we grew up in the East and West. In our household, we only speak Vietnamese to our parents, sometimes a mixture of Chinese/phrases. We celebrate both Chinese and Vietnamese customs yet I can only speak Vietnamese. Whenever I label myself as Chinese, I feel hesitant because I cannot speak Chinese and not as aware of Chinese customs as much as a full-bred Chinese but to say I'm Vietnamese is not fully correct but most Vietnamese tend to call themselves half Chinese because they want to feel as thought they're a part of the big three Asian country and I don't want to be seen as that. So what am I? Chinese-Vietnamese America, if that even makes sense? Chinese-American? Vietnamese American? I dunno. I'm just an Asian girl living in America with the name of Lâm Thu Diệu Linh;林妙伶 under the alias of Alena Lin.

 My sister, mother, and I are in Chinese clothing while my father is carrying me. My aunt, her husband, and my cousin on the side.

 I don't know who that man is on the side.

I'm gonna be okay.

Today was such a great day! The weather was beautiful, I didn't fall asleep in class, didn't have much homework, and I got to go out for some fresh air afterwards! Hung out with Alex for a while at the lake. Reenacted the titanic scene and I had a good time just goofing off and being loud. He seemed hesitant and bothered by something but I wasn't sure about what. He wasn't the usual outgoing, happy dude I knew. I hope everything's okay with him. Afterwards went to Culvers for some ice cream, fries, and onion rings. They're honey mustard isn't very good..blarg. They're also hiring and I'm debating if I should apply or not since I'll be gone in a month for Japan. I mean, I'm thinking about taking on two jobs for the summer and my mom doesn't want me to because that's way too many hours and shizz. I'm just like eh, I'm not gonna be doing much this summer with anyone so why not make some extra dough. I don't think I'll get a swimmers' membership like I did last year, I dunno. Just memories and I don't wanna get any darker plus the increase of working hours and summer classes. I sound so boring aha. Tim left early today so I couldn't get my W-2 forms fixed. Sad face, I wonder what time he's getting off tomorrow because I have sewing club. Had a few wonders everyday as usual but I brush them aside because if it mattered, it would've already happened. He's happy with his life and I'm content with mine. It's okay. People keep asking me why I don't get back together with Alex or if I would and I don't get why they ask that? We're good friends and we can help each other with emotional conflicts and realize the mistakes we both had made in the past to help our present ones so why ruin it? I don't think we could go back to the past either way haha. What we had was just a little kid's thing and Steven, I can't and don't see him in any romantic light anymore even if I wanted to. He's more of an older, mature comrade. Which is worse, losing a best friend or losing a lover? Losing a best friend means losing someone you completely trusted, someone to rely on, and turn to in hard times and happy times. Losing a lover means losing on out the future, losing out on the kisses, and hugs, and someone to spend the rest of your life with. What's worse is when the person you lose is both your best friend and your lover but time never ends and with time, you must continue.  And there's other times when I see people I dislike interfere with what use to consist of me and others but now to include others makes me upset. I hate sharing. I hate it. Especially with people I dislike. Tsk. Sometimes I just wanna get up and leave both of them but I was here first so why leave? It should be the other person to leave. They're the one who doesn't belong.

Just goofin' off before beddy bye time. 

One day, I will.

A new start.

Mai wa ter mi khrai phan khao ma, mai wa wan wela phan phon pai, mai wa man cha nan sak khae nai: phm yang khid wa khxng khun.

The purple in my hair is fading as faster than my stupidity haha. There are a few times when I miss the past, there are a few times when I wish things ended differently, and there are times when I wonder where I'm heading in life. Got shit talked by mom to the aunts and now Aunt Van wants to have a conference with us online before she comes over. I'm just like psh, you never visit and there's nothing to talk about. It's just more cussing and criticism. I may have gotten doted on in the past, but I've been overlooked and forgotten long ago. The more a person bitches and favors, the less I wanna associate with them. Went out and bought some chicken nuggets and more potatoes to make awesome potato wedges! Crispy and soft yet not mushy on the inside. Awesomeness! Ended up mostly doing spring cleaning. Found a lot of old memories, not sure whether to throw them out, return them, or keep them. I wonder if he threw out those stupid little notes I wrote him? Probably did. Probably threw everything concerning me and felt a whole lot better haha. I found something a guy had written and it made a light bulb go off, and I hope one day I'll be able to look back without hurting just like how I can look back on my past with Steven or Alex and sincerely hope them happiness and one day, maybe I will be able to wish him happiness without me as well.

"The first point of deleting photos and getting rid of items isn't a surefire way of moving on. By doing that, you're basically acting like the good times never happened. Those photos were when you were at your happiest with the person. Besides, memories will always exist even without the items. Truly getting over someone means you're able to look at those photos, appreciate those good times, and be able to move forward without regrets."

Got asked by one of my guy friends to go on a play date and I'm just like, eruh, what is he trying to get at? Is it a legit hang out or is he hoping to get closer? This is outta nowhere but damn, I must be getting chunky or something because I have an ass that can become a twerking machine now. I've either finally figured out how to jiggle the fat on my ass and thighs or I've just become fat lolol. Saw his aunt Patty..or was it Jude? I think it was Patty, at Wal-Mart today. I don't know if she saw me but I tried to avoid eye contact because it would probably be awkward to talk to me after everything plus I was with Dudley and no one else so she might think of the wrong thing.

Finally cracked the glow-sticks we had gotten from north's bond-fire. Wish I could've cracked it with him instead.

Movin' out and beyond.

Bitch, nag, bitch, nag. That's all I fucken hear nowadays. Can't concentrate on studies nor can I kick back and breath. Expecting "compensation" for all the years they've raised me. Wtf? Wanting me to wait on her hand and foot because she's on her "death bed" which is a total lie. It's just strep and I don't wanna catch that shit. Always stating that she has some mysterious illness and I just say she's exaggerating. If you can yell and bitch, you have enough life; maybe a bit too much. I'm a busy girl. I have advance classes and I work my ass off! I actually want a future of my own and I'm not gonna sacrifice it for anyone else, whether it be for a guy or family. I don't give a fuck. It's gonna be me working at McDonalds all my life if I give in, not her or Andi and Alex. I'm not gonna marry some rich old pedophile and have him pay bridal dowry to you and raise your status in society. Fuck no. I'm the one who will have to be intimate, care, and live with that person. Not you. I'd rather live alone unloved or marry someone I choose and love. Me. Not anyone else for whatever factors they like. Honestly, right now I don't want to love anyone nor be given that chance. I'm tired of all the bullshit I've been through and my circumstances aren't the best for a relationship. Since the situation has come out to this, I need to get a better job and if possible more hours. Stop spending so much shit on my appearance, pigging out, and focus. I'm moving out of here after my 18th birthday. Transferring all education information and restrictions to my name so they can't do shit. I don't know how I'm going to succeed in life but also get all the money to meet the requirements of the present. Enough money for rent, groceries, and utilities for the present. Damn. How am I going to finance my tuition abroad?! Not only this upcoming trip but the one next year for Kurashiki and studying abroad after graduation. I don't know if I should even go back during my freshman year anymore. Maybe I should continue to save up and go back sometime between my sophmore and junior year? That's it. I'm gonna try to spend less than $300 in Japan which is a total lie but whatever. I don't have anybody to lean on emotionally, physically, mentally, or financially. It fucken sucks. I'm all alone. Others have their family to turn to or friends while I'm running away from family and I've never been that close with friends or their family to ask anything from them. I always thought when I move out it be with someone I love but it seems unlikely now. Hell, I don't even wanna move in with Ami and Dudley anymore. I don't wanna move in with any couples. Tired of love's presence, tired of this routine of anger, tired of all this bullshit. Just wanna move in with someone I trust and reliable so I can do whatever I want, whenever I want without worries or concerns.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Work was fun as hell. I was serious as fuck during happy hour though, got mah game face on aha! I be making dough today. Customers are getting pretty petty though. Everybody is paying with their cards and if they do pay with cash it would be with exact change or want their 2 cents back. I wished I worked at a franchise instead. They get paid minimum wage plus tips! Damn. What the fuck. All the Sonics around the area is under corporation. Fucken bah. Shitty and fucken dumb. I'm about to switch to a McDonalds girl! Actually no, I don't wanna work in the food area. I wanna be in the retail, less hours but more money! Just gotta manipulate people for their money, something that makes me cringe because I feel so guilty. Pisses me off when boys be callin' me up asking me to spend the night with them. It's like, what do you take me for? I ain't no dumb bitch. Then giving me their number and telling me to text them. It's like, no. First, you stalk me at work then you tell me to hit you up and spend the night? That's not a turn on! And if I could spend the night I would've spent it long ago with someone I deeply loved, not a stranger. You know what's irritating? When he pops into your mind or memories come slipping in. It's like wtf, where'd you come from?! Then reality settles in after that split second and you're like ah fuck that shit. It's all over and done with. The love he once had for you is gone and his heart is with another girl. Don't think about the happy moments, instead think of the times when you were crying and hurt. But, with me I prefer not to think about the happy moments or about the sad times and mope. Fuck that shit. I'd rather get piss and cuss for a few minuets and push it out of my mind because he's probably pushing me out of his head whenever someone brings me up and says shit. I'd rather focus on the negative and get my hopes up only to get disappointed later on. Dropped off Dion's card that he left at my house yesterday, and when I reached Subway apparently his coworker and him were talking about me. Wtf? Such an ahjumma ahaha. Always making fun of me and picking fights. Shopped around for some lip balm because I think my cherry one fell out of my car at work and now I can't find it. So upset, it was my favorite and it was still new! So upset, crossing my fingers that I'll find it tomorrow when I come back to check my schedule! Had a couple Indian teenage girls around my age staring at me for a while, I was like whatever I don't care. I know I look good! Even after a 7 hour shift aha. But when I went to the make-up aisle to buy more lip calm one of them walked up to me and hesitated for a while but then complimented me on my hair! She was like "I know this is out of nowhere but I really love the purple in your hair!" and I was like gah, thank you thank you! She kept complimenting me even after smelling like sour milk and looking like shit after work, it meant a lot and it came from a total stranger! :)

It's only been what, 4 days? Yet my hair is already fading to an ash brown. 

1/2 PRICE FOOD SALE.

GROUNDHOG HOTDOG!

Sonic is having a full blowout sale on all types of hotdogs on Febuary 2 ranging from plain hogs to Chicago dogs to footlongs! A footlong costs $3.19 on average but on groundhog hotdog day it'll only be $1.59! That's a real deal right there. Any choice from chicago, america, new york, or chili cheese for 12 inches of deliciousness. If you're not much of an eater our 6 inch hot dogs are on sale as well with the same choices for $0.99! Under a dollar! 

Not only do you get a great deal on a great food but you'll also be helping me with my tuition for studying abroad! The winning Sonic will be given a money reward and I desperately need the extra money for my education so please, please help out a friend while getting some awesome food! I might also be dressed up in a hotdog suit so come visit me on Blackbob and 135th on Feb. 2 across from Wal-Mart! It lasts all day so no worries on being late and my GM is going all out on the decorations to support the competition. 

I'll be seeing you at Sonic on Feb. 2! Please come and support your dear friend.

Living a front.

Enrolled in my classes today and how some of my questions sorted out. JCCC and KU do have study abroad programs as well. I could go before my freshman year and participate in a GAP program for I could go during my freshman year or between my junior and senior year. I really don't wanna do the later because then I'd lose track of my classes I took prior and won't remember as much. If I do it before freshman year then when I come back I'll be ready to focus and take on the challenges of college. I mean yes if I did go later on then I would have more time to gather money and apply for scholarships but still. I don't know if I'd be able to keep up with the work load. I'd either do it in Japan or China and I wouldn't mind either one although China would be a whole lot cheaper - thank god but I'd have to brush up on Mandarin.There's a home-stay for 4 students who apply and the tuition cost would be $1.5 for 3 weeks in Kurashiki in July. I really wanna do it but I'll already be digging into my savings with the upcoming Japan trip so I can't afford it. I'm definitely doing it next year though unless they don't offer it, sad-face. I wanna get out of this country without any remembrance of the past. Start a fresh somewhere new and cultivate knowledge there. Just to be happy without daily remembrance. Dion said I should just go to California then. Lolol, I'm like hell no. Cali's full of freakin' Asians and it's so typical there and I'd still be in contact with who knows whoever. Basically I just don't wanna have to do anything with anything that'll make me irritated or pull me back from a successful future, whether it be the past or people. You know what's odd? When you're tired from work and piss as hell and your male friend calls you up saying that he misses the sound of your voice. It's like, uh okay? Not a good time and a bit awkward and irritating because one, I was piss as hell; two, I don't like him; three, I had a shit ton of homework to complete and I did not want to talk on the phone. Awkward. Lost all my pencils so I had to write with a pen today, fuuu. Work was funny as hell with Chris, pulled the race card on him. I swear, Chris and my history teacher have the same sense of sarcasm as me. It's not too harsh but it's not too light and hesitant. We can be sarcastic but not get butthurt and have a good laugh. It's awesome! My hair is fading into an ash brown, guess I won't have to cut it off or dye it black ahaha. It fades so god damn quick. I look weird now, maybe I should redye it tomorrow when I get home from work. 

I look ugly as fuck when I' don't smile.

Damn. My wrist is skinny as fuck even after gorging myself and it looks so rough and worn. Wtf.

On my own.

Annoying as fuck, irritating as hell, bothersome as a badger. Just go away. I will eat whatever the hell I want, how much I want, and whenever I want. I'm not something to be invested in to be reaped later. I'm not a fucking stock that will increase in value later on for the guardian. Stop nagging about how little I eat, how I don't eat at home, or how I'm an ungrateful bitch that should've been aborted. Fucken tired of your attitude. It's my money, my life, and my decision. Stop bringing up the fucken past and comparing. I'm sick and tired of it. And people wonder why I'm still butthurt about the past. Maybe it's because I have a fucken megaphone that likes to recite shit every week. Gonna work my ass off to raise enough money on my own then I'm getting the hell outta here. Already contacted AFS for my tuition overseas and had a representative call me as I was driving to work but the thing is I don't wanna go to Central America, Indonesia, or any European country that much because I won't integrate into the culture as much. Raising up enough money to get my ass outta this country and outta this house so kiss my ass good-bye. Every single one of you who underestimated me or abandoned me, here's a good ol'e fuck you. All you're made of is lies and more lies. Fucken false feelings and empty promises. Fucken get outta my life if you're not the real deal. I don't wanna see your faces anymore. You never cared, all of you.

I'm not going to be restricted by the ancient laws of hierarchy. I'm going to go out there, do what I must to obtain enough income to support myself. I'm gonna move the hell outta here and outta of this place so I never have to see you people or those fake asses. I hope you all rot. I'm sick and tired. Let me be at peace.

 It's finally starting to scab over. It's a btch when the scabs start get tugged at though. &&No, it's not a cat scratch because I don't have  a fucken cat nor is a cat scratch that big!

After work, still in uniform.

Forging on.

I'm not sure if I want to do it anymore. A bit hesitant and lazy plus it wouldn't matter that much to him. If only I had my own little group of girls. Why aren't you here Britney!? It would be okay even if it had to be a duet lol. All these thoughts and hopes but I don't know if I should even act upon it. Maybe I should just push it all aside! It's just foolishness in the end. Genetics is starting to become juuuust a bit more difficult. Sad face. Why must it!? Maybe I'm just distracted too much during class? Looked at myself in the mirror and I did not like seeing what I saw. UGH! Dietary goals: Must finish both my OJ and milk before I start eating, only allowed a snack during even block, only allowed raspberry water in the morning, and no eating after 7pm on weekdays/8pm on weekends, I can only order once from sonic a week and it has to be under $2. Must integrate more workouts into my lifestyle! The trip is in almost a month, must get ready! On the same note, I decided to look up foreign exchange programs and most of them are all high school! And I'm just like asjgk! The shortest is 6 months and it costs $9K. Damn. I'm not sure if I wanna become a JET member though because I'd have to get my teaching degree to be able to teach English before I could apply because you're basically applying for a job. I just wanna be able to live there for a year or so then come back! Blargh. It doesn't even have to be Japan! I'd be content with Korea or China as a matter of fact. Hanna's going to Korea for a year to live as well by herself. Fuhhhhck! I don't wanna get a teaching degree which might take who knows how long to go to a foreign country and live there for a year because I still have that medical degree which is my main focus. Thailand has one for 4 months around $2.5k but I don't wanna go because it'll remind me of him. I don't wanna live there without him. Sure, I'd visit it and explore but I don't want to live there by myself. On a new note, I colored my hair purple! I am officially reppin' black and purple. Yeah yeah, I know. Ambassadors are not allowed unnatural hair colors but the purple blends in with the black. I'm sure it'll fade before the next orientation meeting and if it doesn't, I'll dye it black but I'm crossing my fingers and hoping it doesn't come to that! 

Boobs.

Before I talk about boobs, I'm gonna start off with my day as usual. Enrollment is coming to a close and I still can't decide if I should take AP Bio and AP Environmental Science? Committing myself to College Algebra and AP Government. I really want a happy, non-stressful senior year but I just don't wanna let loose everything. Looked into my savings and I realized I have enough for what would've been our trip together but it's not gonna happen anymore and I don't want to go back anymore until the scars are healed. I don't want to return to my native country and be all mopey and see things we would've experienced together. WPA is coming up and I wanna do something cute for him but I know it would end up in rejection. It's whatevers haha. Started the morning off with an overdue confession from Phoenix. A bit odd but I tried to play it off and stay cool. I realized, I tend to friend-zone 9 out of 10 male friends. That's sad lolol. I dunno why I do? Maybe I just don't like getting into emotional relations haha. I don't find my former lab partner to alluring anymore, he's just eh. A guy. Not much. And that Justin Bieber guy? Lost all interest because we have absolutely nothing in common and nothing would come out of it, not even a basic friendship so screw it.

Okay, so onto boobies and physical appearance.
I just bought myself the Nubra I've always wanted! Can't wait to try it out but I hope it doesn't arrive on March 5th because I won't be able to try it out until I come back. I will finally get the cleavage I've always wanted and if it really does wonders then I'll buy another pair and replace it with the foam ones in my bikini tops, heehee. I need to start working on my abdominal and upper body area again. Need to work out these boobies and arms as well. Not sure where all this sudden weight gain and weight loss is coming from? I keep going up and down the scale like a monkey on crack! Anywhos, with all the working out I'm starting to take care of myself and more conscious of my materials. I love, love Secret and I will never go back to Degree's deodorant. I am always smelling like a fresh laundry basket and the smell actually stays after a whole day of sweating! I'd rather spend a few more money for something that'll keep me smelling fresh than something that only stays fresh for a couple of hours. Got myself the magic foam as well so I can style my hair with greater ease. &&With all this working out and buying, I'm going to take extra summer classes as well as work more hours than I had last summer since I'm not expecting anyone's presence. From 40 hours a week, I'm going to try to push 50 if possible. I need to make up my lost hours last summer and this semester from focusing on school. Maybe after learning the guitar I'll take on the piano to enrich myself as a person.

Got myself some owl earrings.

永遠に愛して

どうして きみ を 好き に なってしまったん だろう？どんなに時がながれてもきみはずっとここにいると　思ってたのに。どうして…きみを好きになってしまったんだろう?どんなに時が流れてもきみはずっとここにいると　思ってたのに(もう叶わない)。それでも…きみが私のそば　離れていっても永遠にきみが幸せであること　ただ願ってる(例えそれがどんなにさびしくても)つくても。さよなら。

私がおぼえているので、

Gajima do gajima.

Woke up on and off today from 9 to 10 to 11 to 11:30 that I finally got out of bed. Cleaned my room and did laundry. Read a bit then just somewhat procrastinated. Helped my sister with highlighting her client. Did some reflection over the years and mellowed to music. 

Saranghae nol saranghae.

Reflection prior 2 years.

Flabs of fatness.

I had the oddest dream. I don't understand the situation very much but somehow his family and him were connected. All his male relatives, him, and I were living together in this tiny house and there were witches who would often come down from the sky to try and harm me and seduce him. Rats would come in through the kitchen door to prey as well. Then somehow I got transported to school and one of my acquaintances came out of nowhere and started pulling me to the gym. She didn't seem content, she seemed hurried and a bit envious? Anyways, I got flung towards this guy who was laying on the floor. She pointed a weapon at him and me, demanding us to do it? He had no problem with that but I did. My former ex's mom and sister somehow were in the gym as well, sitting on the bleaches a few feet away. Wtf? Some fcked up dream right there! Woke up to my sister humping my butt to get my out of bed. She wanted to go to get some dim sum for her birthday. Blargh, I was tired but I decided to pull myself out of bed. She also was curious as to what I had talked about with him and it really wasn't anything serious or important. Just small talk. She thinks I'm still hoping to get back together but that ship as sailed long ago because I know it won't happen on both sides. I still think back to the past and him from time to time but I have to move forward and not live in the past's memories. Saw Hoi Ki at Pine and Bamboo Garden, didn't realize he worked there! I knew he worked at a restuarant but not there! It was a funny coincidence but Ami and Dudley teased me and asked if they should ask him to hang out after he got off. Spent $100 just on eating dim sum. I was so full, from today and last night. We decided to walk around at Oak Park Mall and honestly, I hardly did much physical exercise as I did last night just walking around the neighborhood. Bought myself a mangosteen smoothie, went crazy on earrings, and tried to get another piercing on my lobe but they denied me since it was too close to my cartilage and apparently I'm all "pierced out" on my lobe. Boo! I have to got to a tattoo parlor to get it done too. Hmph. Bought myself some more "unnatural" colored hair dye and an ice cream cake for her birthday. I'm getting stuffed from all this fast food and eating out. Must work out and eat less! I've gained so much weight boohoo. Somewhat irritated that others' are wanting to blog about the trip as a group when I was the one who originally thought it up and volunteered. Hmph. I'm still part of the group on who's doing it but I prefer to work alone and be in control. Boos, oh well.

Duck lips. Sometimes I wish I could kiss again but a kiss is just a kiss without love.

Busy day.

Woke up early and got myself ready for the orientation. Instead of going the other door I usually went into like last time I decided to go on the side that I usually went through in the past with him. The meeting was informative and apparently we're suppose to bring around $500 dollars just in case for extra food + overweight luggage + souvenirs + ect even though all our transportation, meals, and activities are all covered. Wtf? Eh. It's whatevs. I'll talk more about the schedule in Japan later on. I think we're suppose to bring little gifts to over there as well as a gift exchange thing? But I don't know if we're suppose to and like what?! Oh, and we have this huge Japanese goal project too. Oh boo. I was planning on blogging + vlogging about the trip but apparently Daughtry sensei wanted to create a blog about our experiences as well and I was like oh hey I might as well volunteer since I'm already planning on doing it. We did bonding activities and people were pretty shocked when they found out I'm learning how to play the guitar. They all gasped and were like "oh my gosh, really?" Things seemed pretty awkward between her and me. Her mother kept staring me down too. I was like wtf? So I stared right back. I don't like getting the eye outta nowhere. As soon as the meeting ended I said my good-byes and dashed off to work without hanging around or any breakfast. I was so hungry, sadface. Work was busy but I made less than my expected tips, blargh! People are so petty nowadays. Paying with mostly credit/debit cards and if they do pay with cash they pay with exact change. Hoi ditched on Angel and me so I was pretty pouty. Went out to eat with Ami and Dudley. Felt so full and I decided to hit him up. I'm not sure what made me do that. I guess I was somewhat tired of ignoring each other plus I wanted to walk around. There were times when I questioned his outbursts of energy about certain topics but I tried to push it away and just not think about anything. When I started heading home, I had a strong desire to turn back and just look one last time but I knew that was a foolish thing to do so I kept pushing forward and hurried along. So many things I wanted to do in the past but I just ran out of time. It's cool. When I look back, there's a slight bittersweet sorrow. We had a good run. Hopefully we can be friends and act normally around each other.

 In the morning, 8:00am, before heading out to my orientation.

Change.

Same old, same old. I gotta say though, I enjoy math now because of my teacher. Daddy of two yet still a hunk and math is easy as poo. Trimmed off 3 inches so below-boob-hair is now above-boob-hair haha. I don't think it looks too bad, just wanted healthier ends and now they're blunt ends instead of the thin, wispy ones I had before. Brian was thinking about visiting me at work and I was like no. Why people keep wanting free food? This ain't McDonalds. Orientation meeting in 7 hours blahh. My poor panda eyes + work right after the meeting ends. 4 hours of nonstop talking and interviews. Work work work for 8 hours then off to party it up in Missouri with the friends! It's gonna be hectic later today. No time for thinking about the past just as I'm not important enough to cross his mind these days.

Just another day.

School was school. Got in more hours of sleep than I've been getting recently for once. Yatta! By like an hour. Ahaha, how sad. Actually tried giving my hair some texture but my hair has just changed so much since two years ago. It can't even hold a curl, how sad. I had one side with limp curls and the other with afro curls. Work was slow. I accidentally cut myself with the knife when I was rushing to scan so the order doesn't go late. I have a gash on the side of my wrist now. How dumb. Just kept working. After I took out the order I came in and tried to clean my wound with sanitizer lolol. Gawd, that stung like a mofo. I had a strong desire to be held and loved today. Dunno why, it was irritating! Maybe because of my dream last night. Not even sure why I dreamt it! He was holding me in his arms again and I was on his lap. I was kissed all over and showered in affection but I don't know why I kept having this sinking feeling as though I knew it wouldn't last and that it was all an illusion. Sucks balls. Stupid subconciousness! He's over you and hates your guts, grow up and move on. Sigh. Oh wells, pampering myself again! Just not the full treatment since work got in the way. :)

I'd be a cute martian&&the gash is on the other wrist for the slows.

Pampering myself.

Went to bed around one in the morning. Presented my parody in front of the class today, I don't think mine was as funny as others but it was decent, now if only I didn't have to blow my nose while presenting because I was rushing through during the middle so I could get it over with to blow my nose ahaha. Tuckered out during Japanese since we were watching a movie as well as the room being all dark. Almost fell asleep cause I don't remember some of what the narrator said. Spent around an hour sitting in the tub, trying to scrub blood from my hoodie and sweats because of the stabbing incident at 888. Decided to pamper myself today even with the load of homework and work tomorrow. Showered then I soaked myself in raspberry tea scent. Felt so good! Moisturized myself from head to toe for once, even my hair. I smell so good and feel so soft. Found my favorite red lipstick! So happy. I thought I seriously lost it and was about to go out to by another one. I dunno, all my other lipsticks are nudes and I hate the look now. I'm not looking good to impress anyone, I'm doing it to prove to you muthafuckas who distant yourself from me because I slacked with my appearance. Well guess what, I'mma be that hot chick again and you can just gape your mouth while I prance around fools. I have my first orientation meeting at Olathe North this Saturday from 9am-12pm. Durk. Gonna have to wake up early + I work that morning so I had to switch around my schedule to come in at 12:30 instead of 11. So anxious! I finally don't have nightmares concerning him anymore. They're slowly decreasing and the sometimes the topic of him are in them but I don't have to deal with interacting with him. I have odd dreams though. My recent ones involved running through the streets of Vietnam when it flooded and then I came to a playground where there was sand and baby octopus kept wrapping themselves around my ankles. Wtf? I tried not to harm them while plucking them off. Then I had another one just involving a tower of cardboard boxes and boxes with things inside which I never found out what was inside. 

I look odd in cut off shirts.

Perfection.

I admit, I've been slacking these past two years. I didn't try to improve myself in any aspects whether it be appearance wise or with personality. I did not further or implore any skills and I deeply regret that. I was given the chance to become a mother to a beautiful creature but I lost out on that opportunity. I'm learning who are here to stay by my side as friends who just simply waste my time with their lies. I don't wish to harbor anger or sadness in my heart or mind. I've given up alcohol when I use to finish 2 cases of it within a week. I didn't want to become that kind of person and I did not want to ruin myself over something that has already past. I do not cry day and night or try to commit suicide anymore. What's done is done. I want to grow while retaining happiness and learn as sun goes rises and sets. I can't change the past and I don't want to forget the memories, instead I will learn from them and smile as I relive the moments from time to time. I will not hate them, but I won't associate with them. I will move forward as a someone new. I will put efforts into my appearance not because I want to attract lovers because I know I can make boys fall in love with my looks but I'd rather them love me for my personality. I am more keen on my studies and participation. I'm furthering my ability in fine arts and music. 

I am molding my future self.

Self evaluation.

Before heading to Japan and crossing my fingers that I'll maintain it when I come back I want to:

Tone up and weigh 49kg. Gotta stop snacking and all the fast food!

Get my old bangs from 2 years ago, so grow grow grow!

Regain my innocent, happy appearance from freshman year.

I could get them to fall for me with my looks but I'm too lazy to dress up everyday so I'd rather him love me for my personality. Looking pretty will be something for myself because I wanna look better and feel better. 

How many stars are out tonight?

School was so-so. Soooo tired as always. Played Dr. Love for a while for others. I guess I can understand and relate so well is because I've been in their shoes before. I know what's going on and the tension occurring. Math was easy as hell and there was basically no homework but there was homework, it was just so easy. Had duhbokki for the first time and it really wasn't my favorite. I really wanna try their Ja Jung Myung though! Maybe one day soon. Life's goin' alright. Boys are whatever, school's easy. I just wonder from time to time if my baby would've looked more like me or him. Probably me cause she/he would be beautiful like me hahaha.

Step by step.

I've been thinking about writing this entry for many days but I never was able to perfectly express it through words. I've been contemplating all these emotions and it's still not perfectly placed out but it's better things to be out in the open even if it's imperfect rather than harbor something forever trying to perfect it.

This isn't going to be my last post about the past, this isn't going to be the last time you cross my mind because I know I can't promise that. I'll try to keep it nondramatic and less offending as much as I can. I've been pondering and finding myself again. Rediscovering who I really am and reviewing everything that has happened these past two years. You may dislike my personality, you may hate me, it's alright. I'm okay with that. I don't hate you. I don't dislike you. It wasn't your fault. I should've known better. Our time was running out as our red string began to wear and tear as it disappeared from our eyes. I should've known, you couldn't keep us together no matter how much you promised. We just ran out of time, time to reconnect our strings, our fate ran short. We had the fate to be together but we just weren't meant to be.

You taught me a lot about life and love. You were my first, you were my child's father. You gave me the high school love I always wanted but it also came with the heartache as well. I got to experience love's kisses and hugs because without love it's just a kiss and a hug. You thought I never accepted you, that I always used you. I admit in the beginning I did use you, I didn't like you, but I was honest about it all. You didn't care, you accepted it all because you wanted a chance to prove your worth. In the end I fell head over heels for you but I was also spoiled, spoiled to the extent that my actions hurt you. I'm sorry for those times I was rash and made you shed tears. I spilled tears in the beginning too, but in the darkness. As time progressed I spilled too many in front of you that I became a cry baby in your eyes that always desired your attention and affection. Did you ever find the love letter I left in your room many moons ago? It probably got lost and trashed. It's better off that way. You never got to take on the role of a father, did you ever want to take on that role? I was too scared in the beginning to tell you, afraid of rejection so I ask you now if you wanted to become a daddy. Do you ever wonder of the moments you could've had with your child? Did you ever wonder how your child would've sound as it cried? Ever wonder how it would've been to carry your child in your arms?

I've accepted reality. We're going our separate ways as I move on step by step. Memories still pop up on occasion but the sadness that comes with it isn't over you. It's over what I once had. Half way sleeping in your arms as we rode back from Carthage, sneaking around late at night, and being able to love a friend so dearly. There are times when I miss those times where I don't have someone to learn with, connect with, or travel with. I really wanted to take you home to where I lived my earliest days, to go duck paddling, and go ride elephants or camels with. I can still do all of those, but it just doesn't feel right without you but I'll live. It doesn't help when others post things about you and other people as I hide those all because I know looking through it all would only hurt me more. I really did love and I can't bring myself to hate you as you hate me. I won't try to forget you because that's like trying to forget a part of myself. I understand being friends might be difficult for you since we didn't end on happy terms and you don't want emotions to resurface. I understand it all. I hope you live well, I hope your parents stay healthy, Hailey will be as happy as always, and for Lucy and Trey to be the energetic little doggies I'll remember.

A new beginning.

I had the day off for once on a Sunday so I decided to go to the temple with my parents and the kids. I got to talk a bit with Tony since he had Vietnamese class and to my surprise Daniel goes to the same temple as me! What a small world. He was pretty awkward at first but things went smoother as time progressed. Avoided me in the beginning because he was anxious to "meet" me even though we've seen each other's face so many times haha. Did most of my history worksheets and fooled around with my phone while waiting for service to be over. I bought myself two holy necklaces for my trip so I will be protected on my journey. Both are of white and brown jade, Avalokitesvara and her holy gourd. Decided to hit up chewer boy and to my surprise - it was a no go. It whatevs. We don't have much in common anyways and it's pretty awkward already. I spend too much money whenever I go out. Boohoo. Broke as fuck and not working either. I can't believe she lost her baby. I really can't. I had so much planned for it. I'm fucken piss at him. He hit her, he hit their child. How is it not his fault, how can she not blame him. I don't know. I'm just sadden at how the events turned out. We both lost our babies, one by force of choice and one by fate. I don't know how she can still be with him. I really can't. 

Keep or ditch the bangs? My mama says it makes my face look fat and I think I look dorky in em.

Life goes on.

I woke up late today since I went to bed so late. Cleaned the bathroom, my room, and my shelf downstairs then headed out to pick up Moni. We went to the mall for a bit then headed to AMC 30 to get our tickets. We still had 2 hours to kill so we went to target and bought random shit and got food to eat as well and chit-chatted. I finally got myself the diary I always wanted and desparately needed and wanted for my trip to Japan. I hope to fill it with happy moments rather than sad thoughts like with my other one. Came back to AMC 30 minutes before the movie time even started just to find good seats and I'm glad we went early because it started packing up real quick. Django had it's moments of gruesomeness but it had it's cheeky lines as well which was nice. I totally don't regret picking Django over Les Miserable. They didn't card Moni since she was with me - how nice! They carded me though and I was just like whatevs. The movie ended around 10 and it was freezing running to my car but I'm glad that a found a close parking spot! Had my guitar lessons afterwards, and I really wanna give up. My wrists ache from shifting and all. Maybe I should pick up my violin again instead of taking up the guitar? 

さびし。