Finally got to webcam with the other side for about half an hour. They made sure that I was home and hadn't run off haha. Mama asked what I wanted and I said dresses and a plushie. She took it that I wanted a cheongsam but we don't know my present measurements so I'll probably get it measured out at school tomorrow in class. Reminded her to get me a doreamon too teehee. Got a bite on my neck which Mikeo thought looked like someone had tried held a knife up to my throat and others thought it was a hickey. It's starting to swell and look like a zombie bite haha.
I need to stop being a softy and giving people the benefit of the doubt haha. I guess the feud still lives. Whatever, not gonna let that affect me. Been pretty cold and sleepy lately. So much shit going on, especially with having to memorize the mini story for Japanese class and having to memorize three different things for the presentation on Saturday. Sigh. So busy.
I've been watching marriage videos and I realize how special and touching it is. It's not about signing a piece of paper but the ultimate promise of loving one another, together, forever. You can spend a lifetime with one person, and you can love them forever. I too, want to be a perfect wife and a loving mother. I've never been one to think about the possibility of crying while making a speech or watching someone have a special moment in their life and cry for them but I can relate or at least empathize now. So touching!
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Slight stereotype this morning but in the end it was a nice gesture. This male customer in his middle ages was pretty mean to Meg so I took out the order. He was actually pretty nice and caught me off guard. He asked "Where I was from" and I was thinking of saying "America, duh." but I figured I wouldn't get a tip so I just stood there looking at him dumbly for a couple of minutes haha. So he was like "Are you from Japan?" and I answered. He said that either way, I'm very pretty! And that pretty much made my morning. The question made me think of this video lol. My feet were so sore and achy surprisingly. Skipped out on my 30 miles and decided to do a few squats, lunges, and crunches. Ami made shrimp Alfredo pasta with garlic bread, and salad with cherry tomatoes for dinner. Yum!
Today's Route: Home -> CST -> Price Chopper -> South -> MAN -> Havencroft -> Ridgeview -> Maffie -> Nelson -> Pineview -> Back to Nelson -> Back to Pineview then onwards to Harold -> Sonic -> Walgreens -> Home.
Another 30 miles down. A booyah! Rode up and down Nelson's hill, catching droplets against my face each time heh. It was so cold though. Mikeo suggested going on the bike trail and I was like nah uh! I remember Corey telling me about the murder that took place there and heck no! So we talked about getting raped and pushing each other back to get sacrificed haha. While biking around East, he put on the fox song so I could hear it and the part where they play what a fox sounds like, I just started jamming to it and going ding ding! We could also see our breath when we biked on 135th and Blackbob. Praised me on how strong my legs are but my arms are so weak that I can't even do a push up. Then we went near the church and it was so foggy. I though that my glasses were fogging up from the cold but turns out that it really was foggy and we couldn't even see. Scary! Drop by work and got a drink before setting off home. Saw someone get pull over. Wanted to stay and watch but Mikeo made me go so we wouldn't get in trouble lol. Meg and Michelle wanted to have a movie and dinner night again but I was already out biking so another time would have to do. He said something about a rumor going around about Dion and I dating? Wth? We don't even talk or hang out anymore this year so not sure where that came from. Wonder who started the spark? So many assumptions about me dating all these guys when I've stated the obvious over and over again. Sigh.
Still can't figure out why. Simple curiosity or is there something more underneath? He still knows where I'm at and my number so it's nothing major. It's weird not being friends with someone who you use to be the best of friends with. The bond, it kinda disintegrated but the ashes still remain in the wind. I'm still great friends with the others but I guess too much was invested in this one and ended with too much poison. Really miss Lucy though, hope she hasn't forgotten me. I'd be pretty heartbroken. I don't mind anybody else forgetting but I dunno, Lucy is just really special. I connected with her pretty fast and I don't feel any judgement from her. First canine that I grew close with and pretty much fell in love. Always was a feline lover before but Lucy changed that.
Đừng Quên Em(Don't forget me) Những câu nói yêu đã không còn nhiều tha thiết The loving statements aren't as plentiful or deep as they once were Những ánh mắt trao nhau sao không như lúc đầu The way we exchange glances aren't like how they were Có lẽ ta đã trải qua những tháng ngày hạnh phúc Maybe the happy days are over Mà giờ đây trong tim anh đã quên dần đi But right now his heart has forgotten Nếu em cố giữ lấy những hoài niệm khi ấy If if I hold onto the memories Nếu em cố giữ anh mãi bên em If I held him by my side Chúng ta không thể nào trốn tránh mãi trong ký ức We wouldn't run away from the happy memories Vì dường như hôm nay mọi thứ đã đổi thay Our paths has change ĐK: Vòng tay em ôm lấy những kỷ niệm xa vời I hold onto the distant memories Dù nắm tay nhưng cảm giác không phải ngày xưa Holding hands, the feeling isn't like back then when you loved me Đã từng yêu, đã từng nhớ, đã từng mơ mộng I have loved, have missed, and dreamt Về một ngày bên nhau mãi mãi Of one day being together forever Thì thôi hãy đi tiếp con đường anh chọn But let's go with the path you've chosen Và đừng quên em nhé, em vẫn ở đây But don't forget me, I'm miss here Vẫn là em như ngày xưa, anh từng rất yêu phải không anh I'm still the one you loved before, right? Nếu em cố giữ lấy những hoài niệm khi ấy If I hold onto the memories Và em cố níu kéo anh về đây and keep you by myside Cũng không thể nào níu giữ lấy một vòng tay They wouldn't be able to pull your hand away from mine Vì trái tim anh nay đã đổi thay Because your heart has changed(because you don't love me anymore).
Today was a pretty meh school day. I was so pooped that I forgot about beach day and just threw on whatever was there and off to school I went. 6th hour was a study hall since we had a test yesterday, decided to use it to cram for kanji (there was more on the back) hehe. Came home and just felt really lazy and unmotivated. So proud of myself to get off my ass and bike though. 30 miles within' 2 hours! Went from home, obviously, to MidAmerica Nazarene then Havencroft and the neighborhood. Onwards to Ridgeview, I biked around my old neighborhood where I used to live. It brought back old memories and made me realize how bad off we were before. The stairs didn't have carpet anymore, just stained, dark chocolate wood with beaten brown doors. The window that mama used to look out when she washed the dishes now held cacti instead of the flowers that the school bus assistant would give to me each week. It made me really happy back then. I was the only one that elderly lady gave to even though I struggled with English. She gave me different small bouquets of flowers each week. One week they were lilacs the other lavender tiger lilies and so on. The small den where I first saw my kitten was torn down and the tree in the front of the apartments was torn down, replaced with another, one that was frail and odd looking. Biked by the way I use to take to school(Ridgeview Elementary). Pretty nostalgic. Biked further down to Maffie and just chilled for a bit. The mind just lingered and questions popped up about feelings and why they exist. Rolled on back towards Megan's house by East then onwards to Sonic we go to quench our thirst! Then I biked home along 151st and Ridgeview. While heading to Sonic, we got catcalls twice haha. Funny funny. I guess the exercise and diet change is working. Guess I'll be one buff girl after a month or so. Heard about the rehearsal tomorrow at North but I'm scheduled for a 9 hour shift, opening too but the rehearsal starts at 10-11. How fun. Gonna have to miss it. Sigh. Heard about the fight at the bonfire last night. Apparently a fight at broken out and a hit list existed. The girl we saw holding something to her nose got punched in the nose hehe. I thought she had gotten hit in the face with the football. So now there's no powerpuff next year. Oh, stupid people get so worked up over a game. Although, I would've love to see that cat fight.
Homecoming assembly today and I skipped out on it since I had an ortho appointment hehe. Changed my wires and took off my rings today hehe. Gonna have my surgery a month afterwards, let's see how it turns out! Had the history test, don't think I did too shabby. Did math homework then Cobe came over and we walked to the bonfire. Pretty sure I gained back the weight I worked off by scarfing down two hot dogs, a bag of chips, and cookies. Sigh, oh well. Dani called before that and asked if I could come in and work but it was a school night and bonfire so I turned it down plus I always get called in. It felt a bit nostalgic and off going to the bonfire - so different from last year, not to mention it had rained and the weather was perfect for cuddling by the fire. It was pretty hot and the flames were pretty big that it seemed to almost catch fire on the grass. Tonight was alright. I'm pretty excited for the next couple of weeks though, hehe. I wonder what he'll think if he sees.
Had a dream last night which involved the guys from the temple. We would go to the other world and it was like Star Wars with the artillery and shit and apparently I had a love flame on the other dimension haha. Had to talk to Aunt Nhung and she was bagging on me to come back and I'm like no. Uncle then proceeded to say that I don't want to go back because well I don't like Asians because they're manipulative then he said something about me being too occupied with my lover and I'm like wtf? She goes and says "Oh, of course you can bring Corey back! Definitely bring him along!" and Uncle says "Oh no! She's got a new lover now! His name is Mafia." and then Aunt Nhung flips out and says that I have too many lovers and that can't happen and to look at my cousin who doesn't love anymore and stuff. I'm just sitting there going..I'm not even dating anyone nor am I gonna cause I'm focusing on my career. Mama asks about me too. They ask to make sure I'm home and that I haven't run away from home and eloped with some guy I guess haha! They're concerned about me and nobody else and I'm like..why? All I do is exercise, work, and school plus I'm a pretty reserved girl. I'm not gonna go out to a bar and strip naked and have sex, or would I? Just kidding!
From my house to Harold took 5 miles, not to mention we went on the bike trail, went to Megan's House which took another 5 miles, and then from there we went home through Santa Fe area and the MidAmerica Nazarene Uni and got lost around there so we went to Cobe's house so he could take me home and that took another 3 miles. Calculating our total mileage, from my house around 5:00PM to his house along with our little detour stops like the bike trails, getting lost, and going back and forth from places totals out to be at least 20 miles. We beat our goal of 15 miles. Can I get a whoop?!?
Outline of my future plans. I think it seems pretty solid. :)
Obtain Nail License first to help pay for primary career.
Either get a job as a medical assistant($28,860/$13.87) or pharmacy technician($28,400/$13.65) which only requires a high school diploma(yay!)
Get my master's degree in PA which can be completed within 2 years of full time course or get my doctorate's in Pharmacy which will take approximately at least 7 years.
Derp riding in front of me on the way to Meg's house!
Camo/Duck Dynasty day! Borrowed Mikeo's shirt but I couldn't work too much with it and make it girly so I just used it as a dress like shirt since it was so big on me. Biked all the way to MidAmerica Uni and to Ridgeview Elementary, totaling to about 10 miles in under an hour. Can you say ah booyah? Getting toned, and gonna look sexy as hell haha. Plus when I do, it motivates me out of a gloomy cornering: crying and being all depress over something that I can't change and have no control over. I'm not too big on doing benches and such but I love going out and just enjoying nature. Not sure why people pay for gym membership. I guess it motivates them to work out since they're paying money? Prepped the meat and marinated it for dinner tonight, went out to biked and planned to fry it once I get back but Uncle ended up stir frying it instead. He seems pretty excited about cooking lol.
Ami was right, all this is just toying with my mind and I shouldn't pay attention to it. He's not gonna do anything and it doesn't mean anything. He's living his life and maybe he's just thinking about the past for a moment or two. Nothing major. Smile and look the other way.
Had a pretty intimidating dream and when I accidentally dozed off for a bit in history, an image of a female thing with black holes for eyes screaming into my face scared me and that's when I felt that the pencil I was holding in my hand fell to the ground lol. The guy sitting by me noticed that and chuckled at me. Meh. Cobe came over and we worked on our homework for a bit then we went out biking for 1.5~2 hours. Walked around the track for a bit and made him carry for a bit teehee. Laid on the bench and just stared up at the stars. Something I hadn't really been able to fully enjoy for a while. It was pretty nice and gave us a way to exercise with each other. It was nice being able to see him and spend time together since like two weeks ago when we went to see Insidious 2.
If you're checking on me to make sure I'm still alive, well, you can see I still am. I'm not bothering you nor am I gonna appear out of nowhere and try to steal you away. We'll do what you wanted, be strangers and forget. I won't damage your image, which isn't very difficult considering your choice in the past. I'm not killing myself over your absence nor am I lulling over it. Don't play mind games with me and my feelings. I'm happy with him and the life I'm living. The only thing I miss are the memories and the kindness that was shown to me throughout the time we were together. If it's Horse Face on your computer trying to read my stuff, well she better take heed of my warnings and get out of my sight before I send her into a coma at prom and if her or any of her little deform barbies try to talk shit about they better save up enough money for plastic surgery when I'm done. Better yet, just save up enough money because they already have shit faces. Don't be talking about my past because you don't know what happens behind closed doors and don't be talking about my future because you don't live my life. I've accomplished more then you little fuckers ever will.
Went biking for an 1.5 hours to clear my mind. In the beginning, I was pretty muddle headed and sad, once I rounded around 159th ST the adrenaline was pumping and I was just thinking of the anger I'd unleash on them bimbos, towards the end I'm was just enjoying the ride. Rode by an area that was just filled with Corey's laundry scent. It made me really upset because I thought I had forgotten it. All the memories I had with him around the places I biked came rushing back too even though my memories has started to fade or so I thought since I can't remember anything on purpose/demand. So odd. There are times when society forces you into a corner and it's either be killed or kill to survive. It doesn't make you the devil, it's situations that force you to become what you are in order to survive. That's what I've become. I wasn't a saint but I wasn't evil either. Tried my best to be pure and righteous but I've learned the rules of the game. Sometimes you have to get dirty or else you'll always have mud flung on you while others ride by on their horses. But I'm not too concerned, I have true friends who stood by my side and a sweet guy..who jokes too much haha but it's all good.
By 159 ST.
Vascular non muscular tissue while outside for AP Bio.
Utterly confused. Does he still care and if so, why and how? And why all of a sudden? He didn't before and he seemed so happy with Kimchi. Heard Kimchi and Black Curry talking shit about me. Ooooh ho ho, you wanna talk shit? I will sky uppercut you little skanks. One has an ass of jiggling fat and the other is a toothpick that I will break in half. If I see you at prom, I will walk up to you and take the closest chair or table and beat you over the head with it until your organs turn into mush so don't try the two face with me. I'm not the passive girl I was before nor will I beat around the bush. I will though, push you into a fucken prickly thorn bush.
Got ripped $15 off this morning, that made me piss the whole day not to mention an obese pig venting. I think my stress showed a lot today, oops. Came home to an empty house, made pho, and just chilled like a good girl. Read about a former friend's suicide attempt and ended up crying. It wasn't an extremely emotional entry but just knowing that helpless feeling, that desperation, I know it all too well that I ended up crying in my mother's arms after failing. Maybe it's a side effect from Aunt Flo visiting haha. I get sad and angry easily for no apparent reason.
I can't seem to recall my dream last night but I remember that it was really fuzzy and confusing and I was scattered all over the place, flustered. Opened this morning and oh goodness, it was so cold that I layered on tights underneath! At the end when I was cleaning up slush bottles at the sink, I was trying to make a short cut and ended up with slush syrup shooting up my nostrils and into my eyes. Ouch. My nose stung and I kept blowing out cherry/watermelon syrup for half an hour. Chilled outside after coming home for a bit. Chatted with Uncle and just enjoyed the night sky although it was nothing compared to Colorado's.
Alex called earlier and John was all over the phone, tryna gossip with me haha. Oh goodness. I know these boys too well. They my homies who help me get through the hard times. John thought Cobe and I were dating the whole time which kind of made me giggle because how did he come up with that inference? I thought I made it clear that I'm focused on my education at the moment. Gotta make the mollah if I wanna treat my boo to things once in a while. They also tried to get me to come out and chill but I couldn't since it was late and I'm not allowed to go out since parents are gone.
Reminisced of junior high with Shawn and how we've changed. For one, I wasn't "a creeper anymore" and he isn't "as socially awkward anymore" were his words He said I was a passive presence and I must agree. I was and in a way still am. I've matured and carry myself better with confidence, something I lacked all of junior high. He says I'm a "+10, [I've] caught [his] attention. [I'm] still bubbly though." Which reminds me, Uncle and Mama said that I'm the most attractive out of the siblings and cousins hands down. I have the face and the body but the things that are holding me back are the glasses and braces. They're still pushing me to get my eye surgery early on before I'm 21 and to get Gingivolpasty for my gums which made me uneasy.
Saw some things that I knew ticked me off. Gave myself a good shake and just blocked those images and those people because they're not worth my time. Karma will come their way. School went by pretty quick. My locker in the math hallway was locked after my 5th period and I figured it was just those stupid freshman who mess around with the locks but then I got called to the office because the security guard found my bag in the hallways and it looked as though kids were going through my stuff. Now that pissed me to no end, not only is it an invasion of my privacy but I also had my medication in there(hence that's how the office found out it belonged to me). Who the fuck does these kind of things? You don't take someone's belongs out of their locker and throw it around in the hallway. Fucken assholes. When I found out who did this I will fucken chew their ass off and demand an apology from them and notify their parents. Their parents better fucken reteach their kids before they end up serving time. Sigh. Picked up my siblings from school and checked with their teachers to finalize that they got everything they'll need as well as go over some of the homework and instructions since I won't be with them to help. Rushed to the airport at rush hour. Checked mama, baba, and the siblings in at the counter since they don't know how to use the machines. I'm an expert at these things now after using them for Japan and Colorado hehe. Found out that they get to go to Taiwan too. What the poop. So unfair. Andi cried her eyes out because she was going to miss me and Alex just jumped around laughing and smothering me in kisses. Sent my parents off and I could sense that mama teared up a bit. It was my first time sending my parents off and the first time they've gone to Vietnam separately since we've always gone together as a whole each time. Drove home and ate a big bowl of pho, yeeeeey. I've noticed this for a while but it irks the poop outta me when people add me then delete me on facebook, it seems like everybody I approve does that! I don't even request them, they request me! It's like what do you do? Stalk my pictures, wank off to them, then delete me? Creeeeep.
Last year, today was the thing that set everything in motion. Today was the day, I realized I might have been in an abusive domestic relationship. The screaming, hitting objects. Maybe it was my fear that finally ticked everything off? But it was after this day that everything spiraled into one hot mess.
Today is also the passing of my Uncle Bao, on my dad's side, forever rest in peace. We may have not been close, I may have held grudges against you but matters are settled now. Rest in peace, there's no more pain nor hunger, just the warmth from Amida's light as it shines upon you and the children of Amida.
“It is hard to be born as a human being, and hard to live the life of one. It is even harder to hear of the path; and harder still to awake, to rise and to follow.” Verse 182
Woke up to find mama on the computer video chatting with the other side around early sunrise, didn't think much of it and tried to go back to sleep. Somewhere in my dream, I dreamt that I was skyping with Cobe or that I was over at his place. It was dark and a bit eery and there was a presence of a ghost, screaming like the video he sent me last night. Gah, that little poop. Mama gossiped to the aunties how I won't cooperate and go back over there. Thought it was because I didn't want to separate from Cobe, which I thought was pretty funny since him and I would go months at times without seeing each other even though I pass his house every weekend when I head to work. Came home to find out that parents left for the airports to pick up the tickets and a bit of shopping. The kids cried their eyes out thinking they got left behind haha. Alexander sobbed, bawled, and howled with bloodshot red eyes while Andi had their head down, silently crying while doing her homework. A funny, but noisy sight for sure. Which reminds me, I had a dream last night concerning Alexander. Something happened to him and he passed away and I sobbed and missed him dearly. Couldn't believe he was gone, my little round, bundle of annoying-ness haha.
Only know you love her when you let her go, and you let her go
It's a scary thing to admit, but I think something's changing. Maybe it's a part of me maturing, moving on, or maybe it's fate telling me it's time to try again. I still get those fluttery moments, adrenaline flowing through my veins, and a nauseous feeling - on the look out. Not sure why it happens. In a way I do want to see but also not to see. Funny huh? Thinking back, there's a bit of indifference and a splash of pity, and resentment. Will I turn back? No, but I think of the possibilities of where I would be now if things had been different. There's someone else, I'm not sure where he stands. There's a bond, one that's growing and I'm noticing the vision changes in my eyes. He, appears different. He didn't get a haircut or change his appearance. His image just evokes something that's never been evoke before. I know what's going on but it's quite scary. Do I let it progress or do I suppress the development? Will silly hopes start springing up faster than flowers in the spring? Will my amygdala start rearing its ugly head out again?
Not sure if it was last night or a couple of nights ago but Corey appeared in my dream. It's all a fuzz but he had his medium length, medium milk chocolate hair, wearing his usual black or white skinnies and a black tee with graphic designs on it. The atmosphere wasn't hostile nor was it affectionate, it was..empty? He was in front of me, walking my way in a straight, white hallway. And the rest I can't seem to recall. Bumped into Heather as well, surprised she recognized me with long hair. Saw the African American Chick, Briana who was a total slack off who did drugs as well. She recognized me but didn't remember my name, pfft. So, they're splitting up the trip all to have someone keep an eye on me. Parents along with the kids are leaving around late fall-early winter while Ami and Uncle Khoi go sometime in the late winter-early spring. School's surprisingly easy! Much more laid back, even compared to freshman year and that's with taking 6 AP classes. Ah booyah. Can you say whizz master? Checked out the sequel to the book I was reading last night and I finished it as well! They're so captivating and I find myself drawn in, losing myself in this whole new world of secrets and adventure. Gonna see if they have the 3rd sequel tomorrow. Checked out some other horror books while I was at it as well!
Started reading The Summoning and it is so freakin' good! I can't seem to put it down or concentrate on anything else. Lately I've been indulging in reading, something that I've been deprived of since middle school. The past years, books were always forced down my throat and made reading a chore but with these ones I'm able to fully submerge myself in them and actually see the events unfold in my mind. I've certainly miss my imagination. ^^
Stuffed myself in government class today, the class brought four cakes, two to represent dual and cooperative federalism. Yummeh! Got called in to open on Saturday - as usual they don't ask, instead they tell me! Oh, and our bathroom's light bulb is out. Wth will I do when mother nature calls? My grades are pretty awesome and I have personal time set aside for myself. I gotta say, this year is pretty swell.
Today was a pretty easy day, and the rest of the week seems pretty lax too, except for the biology exam I totally flunk today since I didn't one bit heh. Government's exam is pushed back to Thursday, 4th time rescheduling the exam teehee! Mother nature was generous today and had the temperature around 62 degrees the whole day. Yaaaay! I can slip into sweats and be a lazy poop without being shun by those girls who dress up all pretty, plus the best thing? Snuggling in bed. :)
Sometimes I wonder if I should fly away, if it would be better if I do to avoid the faces of those who have harmed me. They're contaminating others who I befriend and the poison is slowly spreading and it sickens me. Must I really travel millions of miles away to escape? To escape news of them, to escape pieces of them. I don't wish to dwell upon the past after taking what I could and learning from it but they just evoke so much passion from me. So much emotion and anger. I'm thankful for those who know and empathize my pain. Their understanding means so much to me, their encouragement helps me grow and develop into a better person.
So, I wasn't able to purchase the vehicle I desparately wanted . . because it was a low rider therefore the tires would get stuck in snow and that's the only reason why my mom is against it. Sigh. I dislike driving big cars! I have to drive so cautious and slow, especially with my parking skill heh. Oh well, I just keep saving for another, new car!
Got woken up by my dad at 8AM even though I was originally planning to get up at 8:30AM to grab an extra 30 minutes of shut eye but meh. Got ready and arrived around 9:20AM. It was quiet nice seeing almost everyone again. Had a nice time catching up and organizing the presentation next month at Japan Fest. I didn't let an imbecile's presence ruin my mood nor isolate myself from the group so I'm feeling pretty awesome! Shawn even stated that I'm been "reborn" from my tragic past which made me chuckle. I'm guessing I've found comfort in living life without pain and found my source of happiness. Talked about getting a new car and starting nail school with my parents. The plans are still set out on the table but I'm either starting in the winter or summer. They want me to quit my job after the Wal-Mart finishes construction by QT. Wonder how the future will play out though? Why do people build chain stores so close to each other though? Sonic on 151st and 135th are 4 minutes away from each other and now a Wal-Mart. Damn, people are getting lazy with traveling, haha. Watched Insidious 2 with Megan, Cobe, and Kevin last night at the 8:15 showing and I thought it was pretty scary! Of course, the guys didn't think so as usual. Why did people laugh anyways? It was not funny! It was scary! Afterwards I lost one of my earrings and had to go back to retrieve it. The Asian employee offered to help me find it but in the end I still found it by myself. Sigh. We went to Ihop afterwards and I got the double BLT and finished it too! Yummy and yay! Found a few cars that I'm really into but some seem shady and there's setbacks which make me hesitate. Gonna check out the 2009 one next weekend with parents if the owner has it in possession. Fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly!
Ugh. My car broke down again. Just got it repaired not even two days ago and something else goes wrong. As I was walking out of school I was seriously thinking how awesome life was at the moment. I have no major worries, my relationship with my parents are good, I have a steady income, I've got my girls, and a sweetheart who loves me. I try not to make the same mistakes as I did in the past and stopped replaying the past. I was mistreated in the past but that doesn't mean anything about the future. My feelings are genuine and I hope his are too. ( =^ ^ =)
What is up with people farting? Yes, I understand it's a natural body necessity but kids be farting in front of me in the hallways and in class! I know it's them to because they're less than a foot away from me in the hallways and the fart be hitting me face on. It's not the small squeak ones that don't stink but they're the silent ones that knock you back 5 feet or maybe they're not silent? Maybe it's noise of the hallways that musk the sound but definitely not the smell. Oh gosh, it's worse than when I eat balut and that's pretty deadly if I say so myself ahaha. Trying to find an outfit with a 90s feel but it's difficult even though I have a gazillion pair of those acid wash/boyfriend/high waist mom jeans. Guess I'll go thrifting with mama on Friday before I hit the movies! Not sure if it's my vain self or if I really have gotten slimmer since last year? I mean yes I know I did get slimmer towards autumn/winter because of personal issues and such but I'm pretty sure I went back to my normal weight afterwards. At times when I examine myself in the mirror and photos, I dunno, I just appear dainty and petite like how Asians are sterotyped to be while back then my appearance was..thicker and sturdy? Confusing yes, but I dunno. I hope I'm not shrinking lol.
Had some pretty horrid eye bags from lack of sleep. Looked as if someone had punched both of my eyes so I tried to cover it as best as I could with concealer. Felt really light headed and nauseous so I went home early. Slept for a couple of hours but when I woke up I felt nauseous again, ugh. So not prepared for the three tests I have to make up tomorrow. Yaaaaay.
Sometimes people say things that hurt others without realizing, that's what happened to me last night. What was said last night, it hurts. The dark one, the one who can't get along with almost everybody, the difficult one. Why does this spotlight always shine on me? Are my adversities that simple that it's worth being overlooked? I cannot and I will not back down. I will not endure injustice.
In the beginning, I was angry at the mention of such warmth in that name but then it sank in, what was being implied of me. Anger slipped away like a balloon against the horizon and sorrow hit like a bucket of cold, sulfuric water; something I will not let off lightly. I was so close to sleep yet this, this angered me, this upset me, that I stayed up until 5AM, pouring my heart onto the content of my heart's chamber. This, this action. It prolongs my hatred for those. Hatred continues to swirl and fester as this corpse ages - the truth continues to decay and rot in the shadows of ignorance. There will come a day where I shall rise and those souls I will capture and crush. In them I will plant devices of pain. They will wither and toss around but no one shall heed the cries as no one did with mine. Forever, I will nurture this. I will remember.
Won two prizes, rode the twirl a whirl, and tried to flirt with a guy who turned out to be gay. Oh boo, haha. It was pretty awesome. In the beginning I was pretty nervous about running into my ex, my heart kept pounding but instead I really wanted to run into Mrs. K to see how she's doing and Lucy. Ran into Hailey instead and she actually tapped me on the shoulder because I didn't notice her at first. She seemed pretty chill unlike before which was nice. Couple of photos below. Heading off to bed since I open again tomorrow, oh and my car broke down so I'm car-less for however long. Probably a month or two, yay.
You change as swift as the direction of the wind. Maybe it's me who isn't ready. Maybe I'm the immature one who handles herself too well, the realist who analyzes the consequences rather than be the optimist who conjures up all the possibilities of a happily ever after. What's so horrid about me? That I'm hard working, heart strung with a rough background? That I have so much baggage from the past which broke and shattered the child from within myself to form all these insecurities? Or maybe it's you. You who can't handle the times when I just need a shoulder for comfort, my odd moments when I shower you with what ways I could express my affection for you. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be with anyone.
I can't stand this hypocrisy. This judgement of always wanting the upper hand while others are doomed to crawl underneath thy. You limited my social development and academic participation yet you expect me to do everything an American child dreams of for my younger siblings? Hell to the no. I'm already struggling to cope with my position in life, how the hell am I suppose to be able to provide for them? Why should I even when I wasn't given it as a child? I walked home by myself back then, a school that was a 20 minute walk away from where we lived and it wasn't even a safe neighborhood either but I still did it. When we moved, I still walked home by myself and now Andi and Alex's turn you expect me to come pick them up when they live .2 miles away which is 57 seconds away according to google maps so why the fuck are you making me pick them up when I had to do the same thing back then? They have each other for company and friends when I did not have any friends, socially awkward, and did not speak English. You want me to pay attention to their academics yet you never paid any heed to mine. Hell you're not even paying for my tuition, I'm paying it myself, through the government by scholarships, and later on it'll turn into student loans. What more do you want from me? I take on honor classes and you never once have sat down with me to help me with English, math, or anything. I've always had to figure it out myself or turn to the teacher. You say I'm disrespectful, you say I'm a brat that should've been aborted, you say you made a mistake. Well why are you telling me these things? I don't feel bad, I don't feel anything. It just makes me more determined to succeed and get the hell away from you. When I do, maybe I'll finally be able to find a guy to settle down with because your religion forcing ways intimidate others and you poison relationships with your rancid motives.
I have a feeling I will become what the Chinese deem, leftover woman. successful and educated women who are deemed undesirable because of their age which range from 27-30. Guys who fear ambitious and determined females. I don't want to settle for someone who doesn't understand and take the time to learn about me. I just want someone who is stable and love me, gah. I feel like expiring milk on the shelf, haha! Wonder what's going on? I'm Anywhos, finished throwing my five cylinders in ceramics and now all I have left is to trim the bottom and decorate. Wonder what designs I should incise in them! Was pretty tuckered out these past two days even though I went to bed pretty early last night. I'll be passing out in 5th - 7th period constantly that I can't even keep an eye open. Noticed that I've gotten round and plump in certain areas, especially my hips. I haven't like gotten humongous but I'm slightly not that banana shaped anymore lolol. TMI aye? But hey, I'm getting my woman curves haha! Talked over with my mom about cars again and she's still pushing me to get an SUV..and I don't understand still except for the fact that she'll probably use it to drive the kids around in. Brought up the requirement of a reliability because of the winter times and everything and I said I'll get get a small car that has 4x4 hehe.
Woke up this morning around 7AM, it was pouring and thundering heavily. Wasn't sure if I was the opening carhop or if there was someone already there because if there was I was gonna see if I should come in later and I was scared of driving in that storm heh. Did a nice job of prepping bags today or so I'd like to think. Megs came in. Saw a dead praying mantis on the sidewalk. Tips were alright. Didn't gorge myself but didn't starve either. Mom came into my room in the morning, asking how much I make a month and that I need to go to nail school which I already knew I was. Came home and apparently we're all going to the zoo tomorrow yet they never bothered to tell me and now they want me to call in which irritates me. Don't expect something without telling me before hand. This is the sixth time they've all gone and done something together without me and personally I don't mind that much I guess. They out to dinner or breakfast while I head to work and other activities. Says I shouldn't work anymore since I'm barely making anything and that I'm never home. I'm never home due to school and work and if I don't work it's not like they're gonna cover my expenses.
Not sure what's up with me lately. Since two to three days ago I've been feeling pretty down but I pushed that away. Now I'm just sitting here, bawling my eyes out. I mean, I guess a good bawl once in a while is healthy but a couple during a consecutive period shouldn't be unless there's a reason behind it isn't it? I'm just so down.
