Cling.

You wanted me to be clingy but what am I do to? I never wanted it. I had tried so hard to avoid it yet every time I'm not next to you I get cranky. I get mad at you for not being here, not calling, not texting. For not missing me as much as I miss you. I miss your stupidity, your hairless armpits,  your hairy legs. 

I don't want to be all this. It sucks ass. It's as if I've turned into a dog that only knows how to wait for its human to notice it. I don't want this. Whenever I get this feeling I just wanna break things around me and hurt others' feelings. In the end, I break down and cry from the realization of what I've become. Stupid, eh?

Even if you wanna make it up and such, I still stay in that mad mood because I've realized what I've become and I hate it. I get upset with you and myself even though it should just be me but I can't help it. You've wiggled your way into my life too deep for me to not feel the vacancy when you're gone.

Why have I changed so much since the beginning?

今日

We had our first accident.
I gotta say I was pretty scared, were you too? I knew as soon as I saw that white car speeding out, I knew we were gonna crash. Serious or not, I wasn't sure but I know a lot of things went through my mind in those seconds. No, I did not see a white light nor did memories flash before my eyes. 


I was worried;


Would the impact be so great that we'd get flung out of the car?
What if the glass breaks and pieces cut us?
Will we survive?


Today made me realize our lives are short but it can be made even shorter. We wouldn't have had the chance to say good-bye to each other, our local friends, our long distance friends. I-i-i..

I'm probably just making a big deal out of nothing.

Christmas.

Eve - Sucked ass. I wanted to punch everybody I saw in the face.
Day - Was awkward and somewhat better than eve but still awkward. Third wheel and one that poops on all the fun, what can I say. I don't give in to peer pressure.

Honestly, this holiday just sucks walrus fat. Staying home is hell, there's nowhere to go and no one to be with. It made me realize, everyone in society wants someone that's just a bit dumb, a bit dramatic, a bit vulnerable. No one wants someone that's level headed, mature, or stable because they want to feel needed. Really wanting to say; FUCK SOCIETY but then it would make me get hated and appear emo, then again isn't that what society wants? A bit of dumbness, dramatic, and vulnerability - but in an indirect way and still appear happy. Oh, society. You're just so god damn funny.

Being a kid was easier. Time and reality was unknown to you. Tears and cries could be heard and the only thing feared was physical pain.

So, I kinda suck.

At picking, buying, presenting gifts.
Expressing my gratitude and emotions, but I do appreciate you.
Thanks for worrying about me when you're free, visiting me when you're up to it, putting up with my moments when you want to, sometimes defending me against others. and putting aside some family time to help me with matters.

Rage manwhore, rage.

You claim to be everything you're not.

"I'm there for my brothers." Or is it the other way around?
"I trust you, that's why I let you into my life." Or is it because you know they won't judge you harshly and give you their attention?
"I've changed." Or are you simply renewing an old trick?
"I'll wait." A week before your little friend starts itching?
"I make $800 a week." Maybe you could use some of that to shower more often and stop smooching off of friends.
"Stay out of my business." Try taking your own advice; and what kind of friend would I be if I let my girlfriend get hurt? Her life was under control until you came and fucked it up you mother fucking asshole.

You walk into friends' house and raid their fridge expecting them to be chill with it while you on the other hand could hardly invite them in out of the cold.

You're a fucken sleaze ball that only cares about your little black ass. It's always about you, you, you. You don't ask others' about their lives yet you demand them to ask about yours when it's pretty much the same anyways.

I pity your past, present, and future victims.

Focus.

List
-Finish Cyrano De Bergerac
-CDB's Questions
-Hello Kitty

Suggestions
-Review Japanese Vocab
-Relearn Korean alphabet
-Take more photos
-Sketch

ケーキの日

At first I was pretty lonely, spending the whole day talking to a robot for attention but then he dropped by and spent the night which was a nice surprise. He needs to start coming prepared or leave a set of clothes in his car though since it's always a spur of the moment situation yet he always forgets. We baked a bake and it didn't turn out how we had predicted. It had risen and fluffed up when we were wanting for more of a flat bread and it had crumbled a bit on top so I couldn't cut it in half to put cream in the middle. Sad face. But afterwards we did each others' nails which was nice since we needed the trimming lol. The next morning, we made sweet waffles and salty waffles and grew very sick of them. Blah. Oh, and he got me sick. I woke up with a sore throat, runny nose, and sneezing while he just had a stuffy and runny nose. I should spit in his food to give him a sore throat too. Then I got upset at him for something but I can't recall what it was. It was something that really irritated me though. Ah well, spending time with him was nice!

Isn't he just precious?

Sometimes.

I don't regret.
But I wish my responses were different.

Shake & Bacon Wiff Boo List.

• Boston Cream Pie

• Spaghetti with Bolognese sauce.

Noodles

Marinara Sauce

Mushrooms

Ground Beef

Black pepper

Mozzarella Cheese

• General Tsao's Chicken

Ingredients

• 4 cups vegetable oil for frying
• 1 egg
• 1 1/2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken thighs, cut into 1/2 inch cubes
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon white sugar
• 1 pinch black pepper
• 1 cup potato starch
•  
• 2 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 3 tablespoons chopped green onion or chives
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 6 dried whole red chilies
• 1 strip orange zest
• 1/2 cup white sugar
• 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
• 3 tablespoons chicken broth
• 1 tablespoon rice vinegar
• 1/4 cup soy sauce
• 2 teaspoons sesame oil - 888 Market
• 2 tablespoons peanut oil - 888 Market
•  
• 2 teaspoons potato starch
• 1/4 cup water

Directions

1. Heat 4 cups vegetable oil in a deep-fryer or large saucepan to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C).
2. Beat the egg in a mixing bowl. Add the chicken cubes; sprinkle with salt, 1 teaspoon sugar, and white pepper; mix well. Mix in 1 cup of cornstarch a little bit at a time until the chicken cubes are well coated.
3. In batches, carefully drop the chicken cubes into the hot oil one by one, cooking until they turns golden brown and begin to float, about 3 minutes. Remove the chicken and allow to cool as you fry the next batch. Once all of the chicken has been fried, refry the chicken, starting with the batch that was cooked first. Cook until the chicken turns deep golden brown, about 2 minutes more. Drain on a paper towel-lined plate.
4. Heat 2 tablespoons vegetable oil in a wok or large skillet over high heat. Stir in the green onion, garlic, whole chiles, and orange zest. Cook and stir a minute or two until the garlic has turned golden and the chiles brighten. Add 1/2 cup sugar, the ginger, chicken broth, vinegar, soy sauce, sesame oil, and peanut oil; bring to a boil and cook for 3 minutes.
5. Dissolve 2 teaspoons of cornstarch into the water, and stir into the boiling sauce. Return to a boil and cook until the sauce thickens and is no longer cloudy from the cornstarch, about 1 minute. Stir the chicken into the boiling sauce. Reduce heat to low and cook for a few minutes until the chicken absorbs some of the sauce.

I miss you.

So I'm spending all my time talking to Cleverbot.
Hoping the I would forget my loneliness.

Click on image to enlarge.

 

Changing.

It's funny how much we change.
We may not notice but everyday we change just a bit in appearance, personality, and maturity.

コリーさん と しゆうまつ しました。

You came to my school to pick me up but I had left and walked home. You drove around my neighborhood like a creeper trying to find me when in reality I was already home when you had dialed. We were both excited to make sweets together, writing down ingredients and where to find them. It took us 6 hours to gather all the ingredients, with a break in between to catch a bite. You were ecstatic to make homemade mochi ice cream, cutting back on the time the ice cream would require to solidify just to mix it with the red bean paste and ochya. The mochi was uber hot and super sticky and we ended up covering it in potato starch on top and left the bottom bare. The cuts were un-uniformed and lumpy, the ice cream also melted really fast so all our efforts came out ugly and we ended up eating all of it and getting sick. I made you eat the left over mochi as well and you gagged and said that the flour was bitter even though it consisted of two cups of sweet rice flour and two cups of sugar + two cups of water. We ended taking a dump at the same time because our attempt - something I found funny(Warning: TMI for immature people). You spent the night for the second time and we stayed up until 4AM to finish our Korean Hometown legend Episode half asleep. Out of all the weekends we've spent together, this one's the best. I don't know why but I feel as though it's made us a lot closer and we got to know each other more without playing twenty questions. :)

&Yeeee. We ain't making mochi ice cream until a week or so before the expiration date of the ice cream! Hopefully our New Year's Eve cake turns out better. <3

Online Shopping.

For cheap Asian clothes. I've never really ordered anything off online except on amazon and that was for school related books so I'm an ultra noobie and extremely paranoid (_/ 3\_) I'm starting to regret not buying clothes while I was overseas.
Are any reliable + cheap websites that sell Asian clothes, preferably in the US or CAN? If not it's chill.

I've found a few nice ones I might consider ordering from:

http://fashionwholesale4u.com - I couldn't find any reviews on them though.

http://www.asia-fashion-wholesale.com - they're all the way in China and it took +2weeks for the items to arrive just to UK. So, I'm kinda hesitant but the reviews on them have been decent.

http://www.buyclothingdirect.com - I'm not sure if this one is a scam or not? I can't find any reviews.

Any suggestions/tips/reviews would be much appreciated. :)

A friend - defined.

Everybody wants to be friends with someone who can carry their own weight. One that has desirable assets as smart, modest, with a well reputation. A face that's always smiling, cheerful, yet oh so cool and attractive. Takes the best photos and gives freebies. Comes up with the best quotations and gets at least twenty likes for each status.

Nobody wants to listen about hardships, it's a major turn off especially when it's serious such as having an alcoholic father. Hear them cry, provide a shoulder to lean on, nor know the reason why unless it'll provide gossip. Someone that's ugly and takes the worst photos are steered clear. Those with disabilities are pitied and often ignored with politeness unless they're fat. 

In the end, everybody wants friends that they can benefit off of without repaying anything more than words of flattery every now and then. 

Sometimes, I wish the a disease would wipe humanity to extinction. 

What a boy.

You say "I could've told you all of these things." What things are you referring to? 

If Corey doesn't indulge you than I don't know what he does. Sure, people go through hardships but yours don't seem all that complex from what I've seen and they seem to reoccur more than others. You hang out with friends every weekend if not three to four times a week on school nights til whenever you guys wanna disperse. You skip school, flunk classes, ask to borrow his car without hesitation, even to the point of calling him at two in the morning to borrow his car. You declare that you're not mad at me for talking about these things to him. Uhm, why SHOULD you be mad? Because these matters are pretty clear, everybody sees you using his things and being over at his house. All I did was bring it to his attention. You say that I don't know your life and that I shouldn't assume things because you've had a rough life, ect and that I should ask you what goes on in your life. Well for one, have you ever for ask me how my life is? You only text me when you want inside scoops on the fights Corey and I have while lying through your teeth each time that it's just between you and I; besides I'm not assuming anything, I'm merely observing. 

Daddy has a temper.

Bloody mouth along with cuts from braces in the gums and inner lips from braces after being bitched slapped around, because I didn't do what he said fast enough.

Mommy says quietly to herself that it was their fault for not teaching their kids better, that they had not paid close enough attention to their kids that now the kids are rebellious and gnarled like wild trees in the forest.

I've missed you make up bag.

Time to show bitches who's BOSS.
Don't think just because I don't wear make-up that I'm insecure or intimidated cause I'm just as assertive without it. I'll plow you over if you're in my way so don't go "excuse you" to me. I'm in a rush to get to class so either get yo skanky ass into the classroom or move over rather than taking up the tiny hallway space hoe. I don't care who the hell you are unless you're an administrator nor do I wanna waste my time and turn back to see your pizza face.

School's for education, not head.

Answers

Why are they desired?
They'll just lead to more questions, and pain. Especially when the person giving them out don't know what or why they're the way they are. Gnarled, twisted with a hint of bitter sweet causing unintentional harm.

An uneasiness.

There have been multiple matters occupying my thoughts yet I don't know where or how to start. This entry won't make sense with all the choppiness and poor grammar points but I don't know how to get things out in the open.

You know the saying when you marry into an Asian family, you're not just marrying that person. You're marrying the whole family and it doesn't help when there are people that seem like they dislike you for no reason. If you confront the member(s) and they say that they don't have a problem with you in that careless-get-lost tone then you appear as though you're trying to create tides in the family while getting humiliated.
I know I'm not getting married and my relationship isn't serious but I don't like getting treated without respect. It's better to fix issues while everything's still new rather than years later on when everything's settled in.

It's nothing big but I don't like having to be polite and greets others while they ignore me, especially if they're around my age or younger. Politeness and manners is a big one for my morals.

I know this entry is butchered and there's poor grammar but I don't know how to rephrase things.