Cycle of pain.

Life, why must you be so unfair? I knew of our slim fate but I believed your words. I kept believing your words that soon I believed that we had a future. Our red string was already so thin but I loved it so much. Time unraveled it too fast, and now we're at the end of the string. I'm sad, upset that things are the way they are. Disappointed that we never got to tie our red strings, but it's better this way for you isn't it? Because I'm dramatic, because I never accepted you, and so much more that caused you to run away from me. My feelings and words have no impact on you but someone else's can cut your heart like no other. There's so many things my heart wants to say but it's difficult to form into words. It's a cycle of tears, anger, and lying to myself that I'm happy. I'll forget you in time, just not right now.

Life's movin' on.

He hates me for telling others. He hates how I assume things, but how else should I try to understand if nothing is told? It's natural for a human to try to understand by trying to piece things together. He states that we could be friends but from the looks of things it seems as though we're becoming strangers. Our resentment and anger builds up and we began to hate each other but it's whatever. I'm trying to move on and forget and it's so difficult. Drinking my life away to ease the pain. Becoming something I dreaded. I have all these thoughts I need to let out but I'll do it another time. Went to an Asian party dressed normally yet I still had this guy who kept trying to catch my eye haha. 

I don't understand.

Tell me your perspective. I don't know why this irritates you. Are you afraid of others finding out? I cannot understand your thoughts. Explain them to me, let them be known because I'm at a dead end right now. I'm going insane. This empty void if driving me to madness that I drink the nights away and work until the sun sets. I was never this kind of girl and never in my wildest dreams thought I would become this broken down. What am I to do? I'm lost and broken without a guide. I'm falling into the depths of hell, where no one can reach. The memories haunt me as I try to forget. The jealousy eats me alive and the cold cuts my heart. Should I keep fumbling for an edge to grasp on or allow the darkness to consume me?

This is my confession.

This contains personal matters and it will change your view on me. You might lose respect for me, might shun me, and see me in a different light. I'm fine with that because if you were worth being in my life or my time then you wouldn't judge, you wouldn't mind, and you'd still respect and love me regardless. This is my story starting from the very beginning before it all happened.

We were happy but things happened. We began to fight more often as I became stressed, trying to juggle advance classes with work and maintain a relationship. I was in love but didn't show it lately because of all the pressure from everything which made me cranky and grumpy. I hated whenever we weren't together because I'd always feel alone and isolated. Fast forward - the night of homecoming. We had spent the day together at the Japan festival and I decided to go back to his house for him to change since he spilled a soft drink on his pants and it was cold outside. He ended up playing and watching League of Legends for two hours while I sat on the side doing nothing. I had something else in mind for that night but he got caught in the game. I grew upset of course from the lack of attention and change of plans. We fought and his parents saw. I felt terrible. I ended up ignoring him for a week - big mistake. That move tore us apart even more. We tried to work things out but once again I grew upset whenever he was too busy for me. He had enough of it all, "living this cycle of pain" hurts him too much and too often. He ignored my phone calls and text messages, and I was a walking zombie.

I found out I was going to become a mom. What was I to do? Would he even believe me or take it as a stunt to get us back together? I decided to keep quiet about it for a while. On my birthday I asked to meet but he didn't show up so I decided to not tell him even though I wasn't sure on what to do next. If I was going to keep it, I didn't want him to be a part of my child's life if he wasn't going to be a part of mine. I didn't want to go through the separate visitation and custody battles. I didn't want to go through the chance of him rejecting my child once again. I didn't want my child to grow up wondering why his father doesn't love his mother, why they're not together, and to have another woman in my baby's life. I didn't want him to have the right to claim my baby or anything. I wanted to cut him out of our lives if it came to that, wouldn't have even demanded child support. And then there was another side to this situation. How would I raise it, my parents' reaction to this all, his parents' if they knew? Everything I would have to give up, everything I worked for. My family certainly couldn't raise another child and his wouldn't be able to either. I decided to get an abortion. I went to a clinic and got the abortion. In two weeks I had to come back for a follow-up. I did it all without anyone knowing. I paid for it all with my own money that I had saved up from working. Even in the end of it all, I never told anyone or him. I only told a friend who is far away how I might be pregnant, but I never told them the truth because I didn't want them to know. I attended school, completed my assignments, and worked my average 25 hours a week without anybody noticing anything different.

I still cry, I still feel guilt, I still wonder at times if I made the right choice. It would've been 4 months by now. When he brings up the topic of the baby, I get a mixture of emotions. Anger, resentment, and confusion. Why he would bring it up out of nowhere, why he was claiming it when he did not in the past, and why he feels sadden when he never saw me as a women who was carrying his child. I'm utterly bemused at his emotions and thoughts toward this topic. I don't know him feelings towards me now although it does feel as though he's avoiding me whenever I try to be friends or anything more. We're gradually becoming strangers as each day passes as though it's no big deal. Each time I try to strike up a conversation, it lasts for two or three replies and then it's dead. Whenever I hang out with him, it's always on my part to tell him I'm going to hang out with him rather than asking because he'll be whatever with it, he appears distracted each time. Occasionally looking at his phone and hardly speaking a word to me, as though being with me drags him down. I'm the one who is trying to keep this relation from disappearing. I'm the one who is still trying, sometimes I wonder if it's all in vain. He says that nothing will come out of it. He says that we're friends yet we're more distant than strangers. Others don't know my side of the story. They're suppose to be my friends yet they believe that he was doing everything, that I was just a difficult girlfriend. If they don't know anything yet they're already bias to the other side. My friends became his and I'm left childless and loveless. It'll all get better in time, right? If I can another chance to be a mother, I will take that chance no matter what happened. And to the people, especially the teenage girls who are so uptight against abortions. Shut your god damn mouths. They say that's it wrong and should never happen, and honestly it should never have to happen but it's life and bad things happen where it's forced to happen so shut up. Unless they've been in those shoes, just the trap and sit down. People talk about adoption but they have to think about those 9 months of pregnancy, the circumstances, and the bond formed within' that time. I'm not the sweet, innocent, fragile girl everybody sees. I'm a woman who hides her pain and carries the happiness of a girl on the outside. This is my hidden truth, this is my confession.

12282012

As usual, nothing new. Composed a few melodies. Couldn't complete one though. I could only figure out a few staffs then everything falls apart. I'm not sure why. Gotta stop this habit, it's starting to hurt my teeth - bleh and I started getting stomach cramps. 

Frustration.

Blarghhh. I don't know how to fix it and it sounds awkward. I really wanna make it work but it just won't go! I'm not a song composer type of person..but I really wanna be able to make it work to show my feelings. I just suck in general. Maybe I should just do a cover? I dunno, composing isn't my type of thing. Facepalm. ( / _ \ )
Plus, it's not like he'd care about it. Probably laugh his ass off or ignore and brush it off.

Draft 2

0:23 start

Where are you?
Do you still think of me as I sit here, underneath the bright blue sky
Or have you already forgotten of me?
Because I'm still waiting for you to come back into my life.
Oh baby please, don't go.
I'm sorry, for all the pain I caused you.
Oh how I shed these tears.
Can you not see them?
oh my love,
do you feel the words of my heart?

1:54 start
mot ngay em mong anh se quay tro ve ben em mai mai.
anh oi dung di, em van mong
em van cho
anh oi, sao anh cu di?
ko cho em mot co hoi de say im sorry
anh yeu cua em, em xin loi.

My love, please don't go.
I'm still here, patiently waiting
Don't forget about us.
Even when the moon and stars fade to black and i can not see
in my heart you're still shining brightly and forever youll stay in my heart.
do you still love me too?
or is it all gone and forever washed away by time?

I'll fix it up later once I'm off, on the spot before work, boo.

To do or not to?

A lot of people's opinions about me will change, and I will lose a lot of friends and it's a private matter but it hurts to just keep it in.

Draft 1

Once in a life time,

I experienced the first taste of love

If only I knew how to treasure you,

I wouldn’t be here, left in the dust.

You will always gonna be my love

But now you’re far away from me

My heart still aches for you to come back

The story of us.

Boy meets girl for the first time on 2.25.11 at a bowling alley. She almost dropped a 16 LB ball on his foot. The guys joked around saying that he's already got a girlfriend when they saw how much the two got along. Fast forward two months he began to develop feelings for her but she didn't feel the same way back. He kept pursuing her though and never gave up. Eventually she began to love him and they lived happily ever after. PPPFFFTTTUH. This ain't no fairytale or never ever land. They loved each other very much but as time pass they began to change and drift apart, taking each other for granted.They fall apart and go their separate ways. The girl still misses and loves him dearly but what can she do? I don't know, life's a mystery.

Kurimasu

Had a weird dream. Dreamt that I was back in school already and I was like faaack! I haven't done any of my English or History homework and I haven't been able to transfer out of Mcilwee yet! Woke up around one in the afternoon, didn't feel like eating rice or pho so I opt for fries and a yummy drink. I must say, I prefer the strawberry over the lemonade flavor. My mama was like "Oh my gawd, my girls are always drinking! They're horrible." Haha. I could never start up smoking, whether it be weed or cigs I just can't. Hate the smell, hate the smoke fog, and it ruins your teeth and lungs. I never was a big fan of drinking either, tasted too acidic but hey look at me now. I should cut back on it though, don't wanna get an alcoholic's belly. No wonder there's more girl smokers then girl alcoholics because smoking actually allows you to stay slim. Boo. All I wanna do is snuggle with him, but I can't so I'll just have to opt for the big cow he gave me. Sometimes back then late at night I use to be sad and pretend that it was him I was sleeping with - not a cow. Stupid huh? And a bit creepy. 

 Bottoms up!

Feelin' pretty icky and tired.

Uncertainty.

I had a nice time last night. Probably the one of the nicest I've had in a while. He slept for a while but it's okay because I got to be close to him. Made me ponder a lot though, my head went into overdrive with thoughts haha. I regret the oppurtunity I missed out last year. I'm glad I took this one. We're both sick boohoo. Hopefully he feels better soon, Merry Christmas! 

 Went to work in braids. Felt okayish when I headed into work, left feeling like sheet. I wanna just throw up and collapse. 

I guess I'm wrong.

Tonight made me realize, I still love him. Seeing him made my heart ache. It felt like something kept trying to rip it out. Throughout the whole night I tried to keep things calm, tried to be friendly and open but deep inside, I was holding back the tears. Only now am I able to let it all flow out. What am I to do? To see him moving on, without me, just makes me want to die. I want to drink until I pass out tonight but there's nothing to drink when I've already cleaned out all the liquor I had. Oh god, why do you torture me with love? Why can't I be friends with him? Why do I still love him? How and why is this happening? Life, you are pure evil. Guess I'm back to working until I drop unless I turn into an alcoholic.

Gradually healing.

I'm guessing today was suppose to be the last day? Or is it by a certain time? Either way, I wasted my day haha. It wasn't necessarily a day worthy to be my last. I honestly don't know what I'm doing, I'm running 'round in circles while someone else is progressing forward. I guess I'm somewhat scared to move forward, in case I leave something but what if there's still a chance somehow. I know there's not a chance though, yet deep inside of me. Even though I don't want to hope, there's still a bit of hope. Slowly dying but still there as ever. Have you already moved on completely? That you can turn away from me so easily and so swift as though I were a ghost. Whenever I hear a single doorbell ring, my heart skips a beat but then my mind tells it to stop being so naive. There's no reason for you to show up much less unexpected.

I don't want to love again just yet. It feels strange to think of another person in that light, much less act upon it. I don't want to rush into an affectionate relation with anyone. I just need a friend. The flirting and complementing gets old and tiring, especially when they come on too hard and my feelings towards them are neutral. I hate it when they dare scold me because they obviously don't understand me yet, nor can they take my sarcasm which at times hold affection if you're able to read into it. I don't know where my broken heart is so I'm unable to give anyone pieces of it. I guess I just want to be able to move on before getting back into anything that might become serious. I want to be able to stand on my own, be independent once again, and just take a break from these things. I don't know why I'm being such a big baby, always crying at random moments. I guess there's one good thing out of it all: I don't have to say good-bye anymore.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  - - -

I woke up late as usual, laying in bed for a good hour just browsing facebook through my phone. Ate some rice porridge for breakfast, then Brandon came over. He helped me revise my Scarlet Letter essay that's due on Monday then we must sat and chat, watched Guilty Crown, Persona 4, and just chilled. Had milk, cheese pizza, and bananas for my night meal. Didn't feel like eating much at all tonight. Colored Ami's hair and mine tonight. Trying to get things ready for the Japan trip. I'm stoked.

You know what she's afraid of? How you'll talk to her, try to get to know her, flirt to make her feelings run wild, ignore her purposely just to draw her in closer, insult her playfully to get her sensitive, express your feelings to her to help her fall for you, then she falls for you & everything is all good & cute for awhile, then eventually, you'll slowly drift away from her & it's over. Why? Cause that's what happened with all the other guys who told her they'd never leave.

Forgot to post the daily photos of me. I've noticed the shape of my face changing. Braces are making me thinner in the body and face, woot! 

Post Break-ups.

Just a little time capsule to see how I deal with break-ups. The top photos are before I started(less than a month) dating the person and the bottom is recently after the break up(within a couple of months).

Steven:
(this one is during since I don't have any from before)

Alex:

Corey:

I have reached the conclusion that after break-ups I tend to experience dramatic weight loss. I look ugly (most likely from the lack of sleep and shutting myself inside) and go through a rebellious phase. Before getting into relationships I would have a decent amount of meat on me, I looked younger, happier, and have a brighter atmosphere. I guess they just tire me down and  after being loyal for so long I need a change from sweet love that I become a bad girl so I wouldn't be associated with the sweet girl I was while in a relationship.

Catch my eye.

Boys, boys. Don't think I'm interested, because I'm not. You're not the only one who wants to catch my eye. Diss me once and it's see ya later. I won't stick around to be scolded or put up with your hissy fits. You're nothing to me yet so don't get all high and mighty or else I'll stick my foot up your ass. You haven't done shit for me so you have no right to dominate me. I may look sweet and intimidated but I'll get in your face if I must. I won't stand still when someone dares chides or make offensive remarks, much less a boy I hardly know who wants to get familiar. You dated someone I dislike? Oh cool. Less of a chance for us. I don't want anybody's sloppy seconds. I'm a girl who is confident about her future and abilities. I won't settle for less than what I deserve. I ain't gonna do shit for you if you haven't done anything for me so don't get worked up because you made a mistake with your damn phone - linking it to mine so that you were late for your flight. Don't think you're special because I guarantee you're not. How the hell am I suppose to know anything about it? I have people I don't know calling me about your flight and I didn't have a clue who the fuck they were! Not to mention they called so many times in the morning that I just decided to get out of bed. Wasted my fucken minutes. This is all a game, it's your fault for wanting to play. It's the game of love and life, I'm not stopping at this level~

Mayan thoughts.

Dear you,
Just in case I won't get to see you again. I wanted to let you know: I appreciate everything we've gone through together, everything we've shared, and thank you. You were my best friend, someone who I truly thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I had my time of being a spoiled brat who always wanted your attention 24/7. We grew tired of each other and things fell apart. We're still unable to fully be comfortable and be the friends we once were in the beginning because there are still feelings of anger and resentment from the past. There's still uncertainty and awkwardness in the tense atmosphere, there's still worries that things from the past might resurface. I was a bit down when you were unable to hang out on Wednesday because I just wanted to let get this off my chest. I just wanted to spend some time with you. I know I'm a big baby that gets offended too easily, always crying and shedding unnecessary tears. There are times when I catch myself wanting to call or text you just to communicate and see how you're doing but I know it'll be hopeless because there would be no effort in trying to keep the conversation going. I urge myself to turn away and occupy my mind. I'm trying to get better. As days, weeks, months pass I'm still struggling to move on, to stop thinking about the past. I'm gradually getting there. Have your wounds healed? It seems as though they heal faster than mine. I'll try to keep this short of mushiness. I hope we could someday be friends again. One day, I'll have moved on and we'll be able to look back on this as an experience to learn from. One day, I'll be a real mother. One day, it'll happen and we will be better off.

12202012

What's wrong with me? Why do I still cry when time has already passed? Why do I cry in general? With sadness overwhelms my body as I break down while other times I just want to destroy everything around me as the water works fall. I let people get close too often and trip too easily.

Coldness.

Why do I continue to take part in this game? It's a never-ending cycle. I've got to get out of it. Gotta stop thinking, stop pretending, stop running away and face the facts. What am I but a coward to do this. Hoping, secretly hurt when these things happen.

Why can't it just die? Waste away and never resurface again. Trying to occupy myself with the presence of others but how long has it been since we last exchanged truthful words? Or is it too late and awkward to exchange those thoughts? Maybe it is.

Respect the humility.

The line between respect and humility is a faint line. How do they connect and how do they differ? Respect, willingness to show consideration or appreciation. Humility, the quality or condition of being humble. So what is the difference? They both mean allowing acknowledgement of something, with the possibility lowering one's esteem yet they're both viewed completely different. Respect - something that is desired, positive, and to be protected while humility is a disgrace, it is a sign of weakness, and stupidity. Why is it? What makes one better than the other? When you respect someone, are you not setting someone as an equal when you could set yourself above them instead you're an equal. Is that not humility? You set yourself at the same level as someone, at times you even set yourself lower to per say a boss or someone with a higher status. Is that not humility and not respect? They look down upon you. There is no difference. To respect one must lower themselves to the same level, if not lower to get a better understand. By doing so, they learn and understand. That is what respect is. Respect is not some holy, bright word. It is the same as humility. One must shame themselves before being shamed.

Boys.

Please do not try to act hard, using others for your physical needs, or toy with our minds. It's no fun and it hurts both sides when feelings begin to develop. It causes confusion, uncertainty, and anxiety for us. We're stupid and gullible, believing every word that comes out of those lips. We tend to over think things, hoping there are deeper meanings to what you do and say. Other times we're too loyal or are we blind? Staying by his side when he clearly doesn't acknowledge us, nor see our feelings. We wait and wait. And wait. When will the waiting end? Are we not just getting hurt by choosing this path? Of always being there for him whether he is crying over someone else or if he is happy with another person. We may be the nice girl who falls for the wrong boy, one that doesn't treasure us, but we're also ignorant in another perspective. There may just be another boy, the nice guy, who's there for us when we mope, when we cry, when we're nervous. One who has been secretly loving us all this time. We just have to stop for a moment and snap out of it. Stop focusing on that one boy, when there's another one making us their world. You never know, that nice guy just might snap out of it and walk away. Losing out on a chance of happiness, and realizing when it's already too late. Funny, this is just a general topic yet I seem to shed tears. How odd.

Anywho, to some guys out there: Stop being a nasty muthafucka. Using us like we're just some sex toys then tossing us out when you're done or fooling around with our feelings to feel wanted. You're a fucken sicko. If I ever hear about you trying to use one of my girlfriends again, I swear. I won't let you off. They mean the world to me. Messing with them means you're messing with me, so unless you wanna get your face fixed for free by me, think twice. I only let you off because they didn't wanna cause an issue but I swear. I'd fucken call your ass out and explode in your face. I'm in the fighting mood and I won't back down. I don't give a fuck. I just wanna punch your fucken ugly ass pimple face into a brick wall and spit in your face. You're a mutherfucken son of a bitch.

12192012

I found a cute anime strip. Ah, memories.

Got off early woot. I think I did better on my Japanese final than any other finals. How sad aha. Went to DQ, filed an application, and went to Wal-Mart with Jenn. I think I may have forgotten to place my contact information. LOL. Gonna work hard from now on. Education comes first. No more working til I drop, I don't need to waste my time physically laboring away to forget. Gonna have fun while making some money on the side. It's all good. Anyways, I made it. Barely, only because of my math grade. I won't let sensei regret fighting for me. I'll prove my worth. I'm so grateful for this chance. I'm gonna have so much fun and further my knowledge of Japan teehee. 5 star resort, here I come! Better save up enough for souvenirs. I'll get a few things for my family members of course, Jenn, William, and Michael. Maybe more if I have money aha. I wonder if I'm underweight. I don't believe I am. Hell, I've packed some weight on but whenever I sit for a while my butt starts to hurt. Wtf? I'm changin' so fast before my eyes, like legit. I tend to break out in songs and dance. Wth? 2nd day of no poo! My hair's already oily. Whyyy? Gah, it's so difficult. What do you think? Does my hair look bad? 

12182012

Shirt I made in textiles.

I didn't study for my Genetics final. Sheeeet. My former lab partner kept staring at me today. I caught him staring a couple of times, or was I just paranoid? I mean I know I looked pretty shit today, it's cause of my lack of sleep and messy wardrobe lol. I didn't study for my English finals either and to top it off I was 12 minutes late to class because I was printing things out in the writing lab. Crap! Yeeeah, I have a feeling my grade isn't gonna be too pretty. But I won't lose hope! I've pretty much bombed all my finals. I did my essay before hand though for Genetics LOL. I didn't realize it was an in class assignment. Easiest finals are tomorrow which are ceramics and Japanese. Booyah! Just gotta study my grammar, vocab, and kanji then I'm set. No finals in ceramics since I got 100% on the review. My teacher asked if I would be returning next semester and I had to sadly tell her no, I needed to complete required technology credit. She said she would miss me since I do so well in her class. I admit I'll miss that class, it allows me to let my stress out and catch up on assignments when I'm falling behind. Here are some of the pieces I made this year:

01

02

03

Since I have some spare time, I watched this mini series that really impacted me and I was able to connect with it. Bonus: there's a part where Dumbo is featured, although that's nothing really special to me but it might be to someone else. 

1.1

1.2

2.1

2.2

3.1

3.2

4.1

Going on the "no-poo" diet. Hopefully it'll work. I wonder how it'll work out with work though - ewuh. It keeps the ends of my hair smooth and silky and it smells normal when I condition it but apparently it smells like a bad baking soda smell? Weird. I don't know what to do! I want to be able to not wash my hair for a few days without it getting extremely oil and stinky. My face stays oil-free pretty well though and I'm blessed for that.

I saw these messages, and I started cracking up to myself. It sounds so desperate and creepy instead of romantic as one might depict && it sounds a whole lot like me. Oh gawd, I'm so embarrassed at myself. Just wanna head bang my head against a wall and wonder why.

Funnies.

I've realized.

I've finally realized how stupid I've been. I've wasted the past years not getting involved with school, being more focused on grades rather than getting involved and socialize. Then last year and this one, I've been into complaining and moping too often, going out and wasting money too much. Always sticking with the same people that I become dependent and shun the opportunities of having fun and meet new people. Gotta get my life back on track - starting on my grades and time management. I don't want to graduate and not have my previous teachers not know who I am. I want to participate and speak more in class - and not in a negative way. I want to be noticed and bond with classmates and teachers. I want to live life. :)

I was pretty stressed today, especially since today was Math's final hence my I looked like shit today. I'm pretty sure I got like 50% on my exam aha but I'm pretty sure my essay was good so it'll make up in that area, or at least I hope! I'm gonna try to ignore blogger and facebook and focus on my English project that's due tomorrow as well as study then I have to write two essays in Genetics - no biggie then study for it as well. Gonna try to schedule a conference tomorrow with my administrator + counselor + maybe teacher to switch out of AAT or at least teachers. Since the picture above is so horrendous I shall leave you with a better photo to remind you that I'm not that ugly on a daily basis! Teehee~

Mindfcked.

Sometimes, you just want to let it all out.
All those times when you wanted to scream,
all those times when you waned to cry,
to break down and pull everything down with you.

Gone.

If I'm gone, would you miss me? Or would it mean nothing, and life would continue without thoughts of me in your mind. Would you feel an emptiness within your heart or was I not there to begin with? Would it just lend a hand in forgetting everything? I don't know.

Love?

Cram Cram.

All this cramming is killing me.

Spent a good part of my day reading and studying History, now on to the dreaded math. I'm gonna have my sister and mom come up tomorrow after school to talk to my teacher about switching, I don't care. I hate math and everything is going too fast for me. Still gotta cram for the other subjects and finish the other 5 essays left. Fml. School, why you gotta be the death of me and not twinkies? Got called out around 9:30am, I was so happy! I mean yeah, I only worked like 5 hours this week within' 2 days but it's whatever. I need the time to study and focus! Plus, I don't wanna deal with happy hour with this new system - sucks monkey balls. Btw weirdest shit, and most likely TMI but I don't care. It's my blog! My left nipple keeps aching, like it's frostbite but it's not and it keeps aching. As if something or someone bit it. Wtf, it's so weird and the only way to relieve the pain is by me putting my hand(my hand is pretty cold) on my boob to cup it. Seriously, wtf? Body, why you acting up!? 0 _ e

I guess you're right. I do look damn sexy in my photos, but I'm also pretty cute face to face as well. I just know how to take photos well. Why did you bring up the subject? &&invited me to spend Christmas with you. Do you want to spend Christmas with me? Or was it out of pity? If I took up your offer, would it still be there? Why won't you tell me what happen, what kind of life are you living to cause issues to occur that you felt the need to escape? So many questions, I can't stop wondering why. Study hard.

A boy's love.

Does he know how much his love impacts a girl's heart? Before a boy can become a real man, he puts himself in a girl's shoes and see things through her eyes. 

Her voice conveys the emotions perfectly.

12152012

I woke up pretty late, tried to focus and finish up my history homework and study a bit. Went to the library to get tutored a bit with math, didn't make as much progress as I would've liked. Went out to Pei Wei even though I wasn't exactly hungry.

Fast-forward, he brought up the past concerning you today. I don't know why or what stimulated it. I don't know why he's contemplating of what we had gone through. In the past he would become irritated and scorned us when I'd bring up the issue, so why are the roles reversed this time? It brought tears to my eyes and the guilt from the past came rushing back. A girl becomes a woman once a child is placed in her life, and she will forever be a mommy no matter what happens. I will forever be your mommy, and you'll forever be my precious baby. I don't know if he has the right to claim you though. He may given you half of his genome but did he ever think of you as his child? Did he ever love and care for you? He loathed the idea of being a father, he loathed the thought of you and me. Is it guilt and remorse that is causing him to rethink his past actions? I don't know.

Went to Jordan's birthday party afterwards. I was the last one to arrive and got lost on my way aha. Got to around about so many times. Ate and drank a lot even though I was already bloated and full from earlier. It was a weird and crazy party, the lights were out with rave lights. Danced for a while but then I grew tired and sleepy. Everybody else quieted down, James started ranting and played pac-man for a good solid 20 minutes. Logan and Alanna cuddled on the sofa even though they're not dating? I laid on Maggie's back, Jordan laid on the side of my stomach, and Sarah laid on the side of Jordan's hip. It was hilarious, Sarah was like "Omg, I keep laying on your phone(in the pocket)" to Jordan and I made a joke about Sarah laying on Jordan's boner LOLOL. Everybody cracked up. Laid there for a good 45 minutes, grew really tired and sleepy. Left around 10pm though.

12142012

Stayed up until 3am to finish my English revision, phokuh. Well, partly it was my fault haha. It wasn't all the difficult in my opinion but I procrastinated even though I had work and such. Got a shit load of assignments due and cramming needed to be done within' one day. Fml like no other. The quizzes I took recently in AAT were horrible - and I thought I had done well! Wtf. I hate this shit. I could see that she grew frustrated a bit when I didn't understand her when I came in for tutoring haha. I dunno why but it takes forever for my mind to register with math nowadays. I use to be so quick and catch on easily - wtf? I guess I focused on English and History haha because those are my main butt savers - ish or I just dgaf anymore. Work pissed me off so much today. I was not in the mood to get my ass chewed out. I don't give a fuck what you think, you want to let your thoughts to known and your anger? SEND A FUCKEN EMAIL TO SONIC CORP. THEN DON'T FUCKEN CHEW MY ASS OUT AND MAKE MY OTHER ORDERS GO LATE OVER 10 CENTS. If you don't wanna be charged $.10 cents then don't order any flavoring. Simple. Not my fault - it's the system. They need more money so they're charging for flavoring, suck it up or don't come here. I don't care if Sonic doesn't get your stupid ass business anymore woman. Your stink-kay coffee-tea stained rat teeth with beady eyes can go to McDonalds for your ice tea with lemon. It charged you $.10 for what should've been one wedge of lemon but hey guess what woman - I gave you 6! So you got a whole lemon and a half for 10 cents - suck it. That's cheaper than Wal-Mart's deals so go fuck yourself. I'm a generally calm and polite young lady but if you're gonna bitch at me for stupid crap I'mma be a hoe back. This is one of the reasons why I hate working with food. Stupid people wanting free shit. Now this new system, omfg. It makes me even crankier. I can't multi-scan anymore and instead of the ticket being scanned it's timed of how fast you get to the stall to press a certain button. Fucked up shit. It makes production slower! Sonic has to realize this. Makes me wanna quit even more but I need the money. Thinkin' about movin' over to DQ but not too sure at the moment. You know what pisses me off even more? Boys who play games. Don't start the what ifs if you're not trying to hint something. It makes girls confused and hesitant! Especially asking what if everything they said was the truth - even more mind fucked. It was pouring like no other when I drove home, I couldn't even see the lane lines that I think sometimes I went into the other lane on accident lolol. Went 10 miles under cause I didn't wanna die in a car crash ahaha. Not sure why but lately guys have been telling me how they rage over my lips. Do they look any different? I don't think so haha unless it's because I've been using colored lipstick instead of the nudes I use to. Which reminds me, I need more colored scheme tubes instead of just nudes and by color I don't mean bright red cause those just get boring and tacky when it smudges. 

12132012

Wet hair again.

Had an odd dream. I had a doppelganger, we were identical except for the height. She was like half a head taller and had all black hair instead. I kept hugging her and I felt really happy. I'm not sure why. We were in the streets of Vietnam I believe? We were dressed in normal Vietnamese clothes as well. She was wearing a white and green stripe t-shirt. Then something about a mafia kidnapping. Not sure if I got kidnapped or if I got killed in a car accident and that I'm a ghost now but I kept wandering around the streets lost and confused. Somehow I wandered all the way to his house and I saw Trey, Lucy, and Max. They were pretty happy to see me, especially Max. He kept jumping and following me around. I stood at his doorway - just standing there waiting. It was during the night I believe because it was all dark and the only light emitting was from the doorway. I think he had just woken up from a slumber or whatevs because he came out to the doorway standing there confused and seemed like he was just staring off into the distance, not really focusing on any point. As if I wasn't there and he saw through me. He stood for a moment and turned away back inside. Was I a ghost? Or did he just not see me because of the darkness? Why did I wound there of all places? Was I dead? And why, if I was? A really confusing and depressing dream, but not a nightmare. What did it all mean? Wore the first necklace he gave for the first time today, I'm not sure why. I stopped wearing the promise ring, because there's not a promise to be fulfilled anymore. The necklace - I'm not sure why. It's more of a bittersweet reminder, like a grain of sand of what we had. Was it because I wore it that something hit my subconsciousness to have that dream? I really want to understand what it was about and why. Had work today, ugh. Don't have that much homework but man I'm just wiped out. So tired - like fuhhh. Didn't want to work today at all. Not sure why but I get really irritated lately, especially by people who are into the past and their issues. Ones that I use to be close with and confide in when I was going through my hardships. I'm not sure why. Maybe I just want to forget it all and when I associate with them I think of the past? Eh. Weird. Stayed after for tutoring for just a bit - around 45 minutes to make sure I understood the new lesson today. The quiz just killed me - there were two problems that I was like phoooo, what the hell? So glad it was on a block day too because I took forever but I didn't give up until the last 5 minutes! Still upset that I can't switch to ALG2. Not sure why but male friends keep telling me that I've changed, that I've matured but they're not sure how. They just notice that somethings something different about me, that I just seem mature and more calm? Maybe I have, maybe I haven't. Not sure, it might just be a withdraw. You know what's awkward? Having a guy tell you that you have kissable lips - awkward as hell. It's like no. I don't wanna kiss anybody nor do I wanna do anything intimate with anyone. All you'll get is a smile and an air hug lol. Sorry, I don't wanna get close. Shouldn't have done that - now I'm struggling to stop waiting. Oh yeah! I have a study session with Jenn this Saturday along with Applebees with Japanese friends on Wednesday. Woot, let's hope I can actually study and get all my shit done for finals! So, I just took a look at my wrists and I just found a bunch of cuts. My gawd, I look like some emo shit. Oh gawd, no.

12122012

Have some laughing cow~

Stayed back the latest I've ever stayed, came home around 6. Oh boo, so tired. I have a lot of homework but I've been procrastinating and really don't wanna. Got an essay revision due this Friday. I have no social life, well ain't nobody got time for that when it's finals week. Bleh! Tiffany sensei bought green tea sugar cookies for the class as a Christmas present. They were super delish and in the shape of robot space cat whose name I forgot and Doraemon! Got a 100% on my OPI today. Oh yeeeeah, that's how I do it! Got my C- in Japanese to a B! I'm the best chicka ever aha, crossing my fingers that I'll make it! They're deciding tonight, so the final won't help determine who makes the cut. I hope my essays gave me an edge, lol. After AP English all these years, they better have been an edge for me or else I'll pull out my hair! It sucks to think that an underclassman is cute LOLOL. Especially when they're more American and only like white chicks. I made so many extra bowls LOL. I have like four extra ones because I tend to make extras in case one breaks, gets lost, or just plain ugly aha. Wished I put more creativity into some though instead of quantity. Joining ceramics club along with sewing club and Japan club. I'm turning into a hardcore nerd besides the fact that I just jacked off in ceramics and Japanese today. It's so cold lately! All I wanna wear nowadays are sweats. Talked about Ian in Japanese today, realized how much he's changed and how he's not the guy I use to know - or the boy I had a crush on for so long haha. I was so heartbroken when I found out he turned gay. Guess I waited too long but it's okay, I wouldn't be where I am if I hadn't! Plus, I don't know how to date a white guy and act towards the family. Teenagers and their family is just hella awkward. They're either super close and cheesy or drama and always fight. I don't know if I'd date a black guy, I just can't see myself with those guys who sag their pants and don't focus on education. I swear, the smarter a guy is the sexier he becomes. Bonus points if he dresses well too! I really wanna visit the Kailashnath Temple in Maharashtra, India. Looks like what would be a dream! 

12112012

New hairstyle, cute eh?

Lately I've been arriving home around 5:00pm because I stay back after school for extra tutoring and it's not even one on one tutoring either. Crossing my fingers that I do better on my retake! It's all cramming and studying this week, boohooo. Utter sadness. It was hella awkward when this dude kept telling me he loved me and asked if I would date him. I tried being nice in declining because I'm just not into those type of guys plus all he wanted was sex so fuck that shit. Looking for a relationship just to hit it. When I think I'm over it, there are times when I'm alone that I find myself thinking back - but why? Just a bit of remorse, nothing else. Took my college now final for college credit - It was hella easy haha except there were one or two words I did not understand or did not know since it was from a college course that I, of course, did not take.

Japanese assignments

A Successful, Meaningful Experience

            Success is the achievement of something desired or attempted. A successful travel experience doesn’t mean arriving at the destination and doing what was planned but rather enjoying the time spent in a foreign land and being able to learn and connect with the culture there. Whether it is small or grand; every experience is meaningful. Being able to travel is a wonderful privilege and the amount of knowledge an individual is able to take from the trip is far greater than the amount one could obtain from within a classroom setting. Traveling to a foreign land should allow the visitor to be aware of the cultural differences and integrate themselves into the culture by trying to adapt, learn the manners, and understand how matters are viewed by the host country.  

            Traveling allow connections to be created and foreign relations to develop. My family loves to travel and the love for traveling has been kindled by them. I love to travel because of the experiences I encounter and the knowledge I obtain from different cultures and experiences because each one enriches my life even more. Not only does it give me another sense of the atmosphere but when I take in the surrounding sounds, smells, and sights of the area it creates a sense of familiarity that I can relate back to in the future. As an individual I am responsible but also a social butterfly and am able to relate matters easily and efficiently. Since I am able to pick up on things fairly quickly I will be able to associate the things I would have learned from the tour and share it with others in the US. The stereotypes of another nation would gradually decrease as more information about it is spread to others. The appreciation for other nations and their information of culture would be known more by others. I would break the ice easily because I’m a bubbly, outgoing person but at the same time I’m cautious of rules and regulations. My presence will make the already pleasurable time humorous and less dull on the way to the destination with my silliness. I know my limits and will back off when others have had enough and are worn out because everybody needs their rest and at times formal etiquette is required.

            Traveling is helpful in learning because it is a “hands on” experience which enables students to retain lessons longer and better. They refer back to the memories and the information they experienced stick to them long because they lived through it.  If I am chosen as one of the twenty three students able to be part of the Kizuna project, I will be grateful for the chance to not disappoint the people who sponsored this trip but also to the teachers. All traveling experiences are meaningful and impact individuals because it becomes a part of who they are and what they could become.

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Traveling Experience

            I traveled domestically to Texas, Nebraska, Illinois, Arkansas, and California. Texas was a road trip with my family to visit friends and relatives down south. Nebraska was to go sight - seeing and visit the Omaha Zoo. Illinois, Arkansas, and California were lay overs which allowed me to go out to the city for a while and explore. I have traveled to Singapore, Japan, Russia, Canada, South Korea, China, and Vietnam. Japan was one of the stops my family made before we arrived in the US to start a new life so I don’t remember much. During the trips to Vietnam to visit relatives our flights had lay overs of four hours to twelve hours so we would often get restless and go out to sight-see and experience the cultural differences and the difficult language barriers.  The long hours gave me the ability to have patience, be aware of my surrounds to not lose items or get lost, and gave me in sight of other nations’ cultures and values and how they interacted. I had a wonderful time traveling and each time I travel it deepens my passion for exploring the world and finding out more about others who live underneath the same sky as me.

           

12102012

Took my missing math test. Blargh! Didn't even finish half because I had no clue what the hell I was doing. Def dropping out and going into ALG 2. Don't give a shit aha. Worked on my Japanese essay and the hardest part was boasting about myself and how I could contribute to the tour LOL. I just suck at selling myself. Were you aware of yesterday's date? I guess you weren't. Too much homework, short post today. Peace

Hopefully within' a month or two.

I'll have my grades back to where I want them. I'll be accepted as one of the 23. I'll have saved up around $600 in my debit card &I'll compose a song for you.

12092012

Work was slow - ish. Didn't make much and it was really windy which made it cold. The fries I had were pretty crispy and delish though. Tried the chicken strip sandwich for the first time and it honestly wasn't as good as McDonalds. Odd eh? Still got a shizz load of homework, hopefully I can finish it all tonight before 11 o'clock! Kelsey was pretty nice today, we surprisingly got along because we usually don't talk at all and the aura is kinda cold. I've noticed that the spaces have closed quite a bit - maybe it'll take another 6 months instead of the year they predicted. I'm somewhat anxious to get my braces off but also worried. I think I look cute with braces but I def won't miss the canker sores and the things I wasn't allowed to eat because of them. This was the first weekend I didn't see him. I wonder if he was aware of that or was it just another weekend to him? It's best this way, I have a lot of catching up to do and this way we're slowly drifting apart and forgetting each other or maybe it's just me left that needs to forget. 

OH YEAH. I FORGOT. My finger got tore up at work today. Omg it hurted so bad but I had to pretend and hide it from the customer as it was ripping my finger. Hurted like a btch. I was like omfg hurry up hoe so I can pull my finger out and stop it from ripping even more. 

12082012

Attended the meeting today. I found out that 28 students made the short list so there will be 5 students that get dropped. I'm so fcken scared. I really do not want to be one of those five. Went home and worked on history homework that was due on Friday. Bleck. Went to the mall afterwards, shopped around, and of course, DDR. The lights they hung up around the parking lot was really pretty, although it was a bit cold. Had this creepy mofo follow me around for a while - got creeped out since I was alone so I turned around and started following him until he stopped ahaha. Didn't ddr where I usually did, so I wasn't use to any of the songs except one. Boo. Got new earrings and a purse - uh yeyeye. Don't know why but I've started to become so much more girly and considerate with my looks unless I'm just dead tired because of cough cough english cough cough. Not sure if I should take up AP Bio next year cause then I'll have 5 AP classes then. Urgh! I heard CP English is pretty chill though? So unsure on what to do! I'm def taking AP History and AP Ceramics though, and of course I'm forced to take whatever math they stick me with. Stupid math. I'll be taking up Japanese IV of course, textiles III and culinary prep II. Unsure of my future. If I reside in the US then I want to have a stable job such as something in the medical field but if I were to go overseas then I need something flexible. My dad suggests that I just become a teacher - ewuh. I hate teaching and having to deal with stupid ahaha. I'm so mean but it's true. I have zero patience. I really want to live in a foreign country for a while though - excluding Vietnam because I've lived there for a while and I don't want to deal with people when it comes to jobs and money. Sorry. Thought about taking up Korean or Mandarin but was suggested not to and to just focus on Japanese to further my fluency. Thinking about joining the JET program in my freshman year of JCCC if I have enough money saved up. Spend approximately a year if not two - studying there and working as a tutor because I can't just solely come as an international student. No money haha! I don't want to stay too long though because it would extend the time needed to complete my medical studies. Gah, so many conflicting situations! If not, China or Korea is fine. It's just that I'm not familiar with any foreign exchange programs for those countries. I don't have to worry about spending time away from a lover or anything - so refreshing! Going out on my own and exploring the world. It may not be with a boyfriend or so but I'll be making new friends and extending my social network. Who knows, maybe I'll find Mr. Right because of it? I'm not even sure where I wanna live anymore haha. So sad. Don't wanna leave US forever - at least not yet since a majority of the laws and rights knowledge I have are about it! 

Outfit of day(OOD):

 Black leather jacket + black knitted blouse + ruffled white skirt + black leather bow purse.

I'm not sure if I've stopped loving you or if I've just started to love myself.

Loyalty?

A feeling or attitude of devoted attachment and affection. How do you define loyalty though? Is it really just an attitude of attachment to an object or person? Is it something to be proud of? If there are no benefits provided, then why stay attach? Is loyalty blind? It sees no flaws or chooses to ignore them and reside wherever. Is it stupid? For not doing what could benefit them, staying when there's something better. 
In the beginning, loyalty is considered a good trait. Something everybody wants from another. In the end when you've finally realized, loyalty is a fool's trait. It causes you to lose what you could've had and made you endure all the bullshit.

What is loyalty?