Miss cranky.

Not sure why but lately whenever I come home I become really cranky and pissed off. I have this on and off sore throat, coughing, losing voice ordeal too so I'm not sure what's going on? Been losing so much stuff at school. First it was my metal pusher even after like 3 weeks I still can't find it and then it's my red box of nail art bottles which I specifically brought today since I thought it was nail art day. Didn't even get a chance to use it, ugh. Doesn't help that the school has one exactly like it and so does 5 other people. Great.

I give up too.

I confronted you and told you what bothered me. You told me to just pretend that it's something it's not and even dared to lie to me? Really? I seriously put it behind me because I believed you since you said it was only for one night. Turns out it's been multiple. Wow, just wow. I can't believe you would lie straight to my face. I shouldn't have looked out for you because I should have known it would be from you and you guys would only deny it. So, so stupid of me for thinking otherwise. I guess I mistake was putting faith and trust in you. Oh well, I live I learn.

Had the weirdest dream last night but I think I may know the reason why I had that dream. So first off I was in the forest cabin thingy where I had to travel to and fro with a car? But also via walking too. Then I was in my house? There was company over too but I was walking around naked. Like what the poop? Wasn't too bothered with it - or so it seemed at first until I saw him in it. Then I got all embarrassed and shy, like what? Quickly got clothed and the rest I don't remember except that fact that he got fat ahaha. Wore a cream or super light lime green plaid shirt with  a white undershirt and had an uber light, blondish color.I dunno but then he moved in and gave me a peck on the lips then for some odd weird ass reason I jumped on him and gave him a smooch? Weird ass dream ever.

Went to the zoo on Monday, skipped my 13 hour school day ugh but I guess it's okay as long as I don't miss anymore hours. These double shift school days are killing me though, sooo tired. Knocked out 3 chapter tests and finished reading and studying for another so I whizzed by 4 chapters today. Woot! Did 5 wraps and tips with french and nail art. Did a polish change as well as a pedicure so I had an overall somewhat productive day.

I'm tired.

A friendship consist of two people, a relationship consist of two people, a marriage consist of two people. There is a bond, trust, and love between those two people - not three, four, five, or even six. Are you losing out on anything? Are you getting your limbs amputated? Are you the one giving hugs and kisses? Are you the one who's going to get sex? No? Then fuck off.

I'm tired of getting reprimanded for my actions and behavior in my private business. Am I kidnapping innocent children, cutting our their organs, and selling it on the black market? No, so why are you sticking your Pinocchio nose into my matter? You have no right in mouthing off about my behavior or my partner's. So what if my guy's "whipped" in your standards? In mine, he's a sweet man who knows how to treat his lady. Is that not what a girl wants in her husband? To be dedicated, hard working, and gentle to her. I chose who I marry. I chose who I want to spend the rest of my life with - not you. I want a man who will support and spoil me. You want a thug who demands something in return for what not? Fine, go ahead but I don't want no thug. I want a gentleman and if a gentleman means whipped then so be it. So ladies and gents, please back the fuck off. If I hear one more reprimand or whipped comment I will go ape shit on your ass, don't care if you're kidding or looking out for him cause guess what, he ain't yours. He's mine. He chose me, not your ass.

And this whole ordeal with nosey people, it frustrates me. I keep my shit on the down low but people still can't help but nose their way in. I don't date and people get on me about it and makes me seem like the bad guy for not allowing guys a chance. I date and then people reprimand me about my dating life. It's like what the fuck. I can do no right! Then again, it IS my life so why ya'll getting all up in my shit? Doing this kind of shit just wears me down. It makes me turn upon my guy, makes me turn upon everyone and allows me to realize that I'm better off on my own. No one to reprimand me about my ways, no one to make me the bad guy, and no one to domesticate me. I can make my own money, I can fuck whoever I want, and I can carry myself however I want to. I don't need to sweetie this or sweetie that. I don't have to be that little bitch wife who has to be inferior to her boy. So this is the last time I will hold my tongue. Reprimand me one more time and I will rip through your throat.

It may.

It may appear that I'm being narcissistic in my action of pushing and severing relations but I'd rather do this than blow things out of proportion and create more drama. I just want to avoid everybody altogether. You guys can go ahead and be one big family - just leave me out of it. I don't want to be apart of it.

And you. It may not have started with you but your actions only lead me to lose even more trust. I don't care if you apologize 100 times because it's all empty. Don't touch me, don't bother me, just leave me alone. You don't assist me, instead you wreck more havoc upon my mentality. You're willing to risk and damage, even throw away what you have with me for someone else's sake, going against me. Obviously your ego, your pride, and self righteous is of far greater importance. So go ahead, be that hero who stands against the person you had promised to always protect and shelter, go ahead and prove all the promises you made were empty ones. I can't trust you anymore. One moment, you're standing against me, sheltering the one who hurt me and attacking me - throwing everything we had and the next you're apologizing, but do you even know what you're apologizing for or about? Are you saying empty words again, to try to ease my unstable emotions then force your opinion on me again? I may find moments at night where I miss you but all of that will pass by. Even you admit that you're easily irreplaceable. You're here to give me attention and simply to answer questions or concerns I may have. You say you're a shoulder to cry on? Pfft. You are the one who cause me to cry for hours upon a dark rooftop. You say that if I am to drop a friend then let it be you? Fine. Not only will I drop her, him, but also you. I will drop whoever I deem necessary. You don't have the right to decide who has the potential to be a life time friend in my life because your position is not determined either. Now, not only have you broken and lost a potential life long friendship, you lost a girl who opened up her weary heart to you, who began trusting again after so long, who fought and jeopardized relations for your friendship, and the one who cared and looked out for you most. You lost me.

I will be sadden and there will be an achy feeling on the side that makes me squeamish and want to do impulsive actions but I will resist. Tears will wear down the heavy burden and I will awake new and brighter and more brilliant than ever before.

To whom it may concern, do not continue sticking your nose into this matter. I do not want to sever anymore relations but I will do so if needed. I am not trying to alienate her, I merely just want to avoid any contact or affiliation with them.

Unneeded.

I hate it when people speak for others to me. Obviously its not what the person is trying to persuade me. If I don't want to talk about it or talk to a certain person, leave it alone. Being sympathetic towards the other side, questioning me, pushing me to do something I don't want to do - you're really want me to break down and kill someone don't you. If you were on my side in a battle then if I say red is blue than that's what it is, no questions. If it was a fight against  you and I then its fine but not when there's a third party involved. You shouldn't have gotten involved and even if I did want you to get involved than you should've been on my side. I can keep or cut off any friendship I want. You have no say or business in who I am friends with. If my own mother can't control who I am friends with who do you think you are. I should've listened to my mother and stay away from you. I fought to keep my friendship with you, now I see all of that was in vain. Even my sister beckons me to drop it. She says that I can do so much better and not to let my head down. I am a blossoming flower with so many skills, assets, and potential. You are the one who cause my pain to linger on. I'm a lunatic who sits on her rooftop late at night who cries until the early morning. I am unable to express my feelings, my thoughts. So in turn I cry, cry endless tears through out the night.

Depression lulls on.

Again, the gloominess and sorrow presents itself. I don't want to vent nor confine in anyone because I don't know how to go about it nor would the person understand so I bottle it up inside. Pretty difficult. I go about my way after releasing some tension but then it gets brought up again or seeing it again and my anger level boils up. The questioning angers me because it's pointless and nothing will get resolved. I just want to shut everything out and lull around in my emotions until the aching in my chest goes away.
It doesn't help that the only way to relieve my aggression is through screaming into a pillow, biting my blanket, and crying late into the night. Doesn't help much being all pissed off with a shortness of breath. Just even more pissed.

Bad week.

So, overall this whole week has been emotionally draining. Event number one having to be with a difficult customer. It was busy and the customer was an elderly old lady. I did the usual greeting and tried to serve her. She had just gotten a vocal cord surgery so it was difficult to hear her, much less understand. I patiently listen and waited for her to finish. I couldn't understand well so I asked her to write it down just to make sure. All the while she pointed her bony, long skeletal fingers at me with a furrowed face. She kept saying that she's from Arizona and that her English is perfectly fine, that she's been in the nursing field and that I have to listen to her? All the while pointing and shaking her finger in my face. What the fuck? I gave her a discount, carried her salad back and forth, got her chicken and basically went out of my way. I'm from the Kitchen, I sell food from there only - I don't touch any veggies or anything near that department yet I got boxes for her to put her lettuce in, even closed and packaged them and got chicken from the kitchen for her salad since she wanted it yet she had the audacity to be straight out rude and complain to a floor manager? Not to mention she spit all over me, not only in my face but my neck as well. Ugh, this hag. I don't care if you had to put up with shit before you retired in the nursing department cause guess what, you're being a little shit head. I hope you catch a cold and die you witch. It was a very stressful day for me, but I brushed it off. Went into the cooler for a couple of seconds to cool down and came back out cheerful as ever.

The second event would be with prom. Now, the first hour and a half were swell. It was what happened after that got my patience and temper ticking. It was pretty difficult to restrain myself from lashing out and saying things I'd probably regret so I just walked away and avoided eye contact with each chance of interaction.

My whole level of patience and understanding has just plummet throughout this whole week. Always in a grouchy mood. Maybe it's from holding everything in, I don't know. Then today. I'm a clerk yet I wasn't even on the line today. Spent half the night helping out in the back with dishes because others be asses and worm away. Didn't mind it too much. Afterwards went to bus tables because everyone ran away when Charity stated that the dining area needed a bus person. I was whatever. I walked into an area with 4 booths, and 3 tables that were trashed, all the other tables occupied, and two families standing - waiting for me to clear a table. I didn't even know what to clean the tables with or where the supplies where! But whatever, I figured it out. I'm pretty sure others could tell I was unhappy because their voices were softer than usual and they seemed awkward yet eager to ease the tension I guess? I didn't throw things around or put on an attitude. Just worked in solitude without smiling much. Meh.

I am just so stressed and irritated. Holding in my emotions and anger in vain. It's not that I'm being a dramatic hoe and holding it in so I can blow up later but I just don't know how to talk about my feelings. Why I feel the way I am or what happened. I'm just so tired and I disregard it because I'd rather just push it to the side, even if it pokes its head back into my thoughts. There's a strong urge to just take everything and smash it, to set someone on fire, to scream in agony. Yet there's also the pain in my chest and the tightness in my throat which evidently leads to me crying. So pretty much, little things tick me off that I get the urge to physically harm someone and I end up crying for no apparent reason leading me to stay up til 5AM. Great. I'm pissy and emotional, that one moment I have thought of setting someone on fire to crying. Long story short: I get angry to the point of murder, I break down crying, I push people away because they don't wouldn't understand. Yay.

Does this face look similar to anyone's?

Trololol.

So, life's going pretty smooth even though everything is hectic ATM ≧◡≦.

Or maybe it's my crazy ass haha. Spent 2 hours going around in circles trying to get my W2 form and bitches still be makin' excuses and sending me on a goose chase. Like wth people. So piss. But whatever, I'll do what I gotta do. 

Currently ahead of my scheduled hours. Woot! Even if it's by 2.75 heh. Hopefully I can rack up more hours in the summer. 8:30AM-9:30PM on M,T,W to rack up extra hours to get the ultimate 54 hours a week instead of 40 then work on weekends. I don't even know if I want to work after school on Thursday and Fridays. Maybe that's a bit psychotic? I dunno.  

Looking back. I'm appreciative of how things turned out. Without it I wouldn't have had the motivation. 

Can't wait for prom either! Not even excited about the dance, more excited about dressing up and taking photos teehee! 

Odd face.