Money hungry.

Work was pretty steady today. Trying to think of a way to make more money while still attending school. Thinking of returning to waitressing and doing nails as well once I return but I also want to get my toes into the healthcare/medical field to gain some sort of experience. Pharmacy Tech sounds good with $10-14/hour but I think they prefer someone who has gone through some sort of training and certification. The training clocks 600 hours which is over my nail tech hours by 200. Damn. I already applied and it sent me an email about doing a follow up at a store and I'm just like ugh..okay. Gotta go up there and be social and sell myself. Unsure how much I wanna load myself with school hours as well. Gonna stay at JCCC for a little bit to gain more credits such as organic chemistry and microbiology toward my biology degree. I'm okay with doing all these science classes but ugh, the other general ones just kinda kill me. Wish I had followed the biology guideline more closely instead of the degree check one.

Wonder if I'll be able to get my surgery done when I'm overseas? 

Kitchen slave and shopping weekend.

Break is going swell. Did a bit of shopping prior to Thursday and Friday and still got some nice deals. Did a bit of damage during Thursday and Friday but it's okay because it's Black Friday right? Lol. Slaved in the kitchen from 9am-5pm on Thursday. Cooked everything and cleaned as well. It was hell especially since I didn't have my helper this year. Dropped a good $200 on ingredients but everyone loved it so it was worth it I suppose. Made turkey, two sets of mash potatoes, baked sweet potatoes, glazed carrots, rolls, cinnamon rolls, and pumpkin pie. I just realized today that I forgot the corn bread..oh well lol. Got some clothes, a laptop, perfume, and underwear along with miscellaneous items from grocery stores. My bank account is so sad now but hey I'll work extra hard after I get back! Finished my assessment for the pharm tech position today. Kind of nervous and anxious since I have so many "jobs" on hold right now lol. Got the nail tech, waitress, and pharm tech would be my third one if it goes through. Not sure how to handle things especially with full time school. I'll plow through, fingers crossed! 

Went to a friend's bridal shower earlier this week and it made me remember how socially awkward I am haha. Warmed up once I saw Jenn and Elizabeth. Saw Sarahanne and oh my goodness. She gives the best head massages ever. I wish I could take her home with me! Perfect tension and motion. Gotta love this cutie pie. <3

Black Friday's damage 

Silent grief.

Love is funny. Like a stray, you bring him home. You clean, feed, and love him until he's big and strong. Even though there is a sense of compensation, he will return to his pack - the one who did not love him, who turned him away that you took him in. With a few words, he will go back to his pack - leaving you with memories and a sense of betrayal. There's nothing wrong with filial, until they leave you for it. 

There is nothing wrong with loving one's own parents. I want to love his as well but they do not love him nor me. When he is successful or able to provide they will be calling him back to them but when he has nothing he will be my responsibility. There is nothing wrong with a mama's boy, unless the mama does not love her son or there is too much that you are alienated. 

These emotions, I'm not sure why I feel them. Perhaps it's a precaution but I have no desire to love anyone anymore. Corey, my first love. I was naive and had high hopes but was lost myself. Wanting to salvage anything whether it is as friendship or acquaintances but I'm okay now. We're strangers with no acknowledgement. I don't know you, you don't know me.

Mikeo, showed me the other side of life. Such as being wronged and humiliated repeatedly without a chance to express pain and prove innocence. He is a good guy, but I do not want to get entangled in the web of family issues.

Corey was the last person I fell in love with, I fell so deep and hard that I never was fully able to get back up. From there was I able to figure out how to love myself. Mikeo was the one who taught me to love. Taking care, worrying about one else's well being. There was no butterflies, or naive thoughts of forever and ever like before. There was only reality and looking out for one another in this harsh world.

But now, I have no desire to fall in love or love anyone besides myself. Loving someone else takes too much. I use to think I could just marry the individual but I was wrong. If the individual is unwilling to separate himself from them then it is in vain no matter how much you plead. Even with a family of your own, they will still leave you, your children, everything both of you have created..for their family of origin who only calls on him when they need him or in fear of losing their investment yet never treating him with love or respect - pin pointing parent responsibilities upon you. 

Love was my first mistake but my biggest mistake was the person I chose. All the humiliation I've endured, when will I get my justice? He is a good person but he is entwined with misfortune and complexities that will cause me greater grief down the road. 

Right now I just want to run away and become an apprentice under a biologist. Focus on learning and reforming myself. 

Bribing cat.

I am dead. Went to bed around 9:00PM and could not fall asleep despite everything. Tried to listen to music, had sound in the background, complete silent, just could not fall asleep. So then I decided to whiten my teeth and watch some videos on YT. It took me until 1AM to start feeling sleepy and now it's biting me in the ass. I was so tired when I got up at 7AM. I was like fuck it, it's gonna be a sweats and no make up day. 

I must say though, my dream was very pleasant. So I was living in this huge mansion, condo ordeal. JBS and Corey lived next door? Anyways I was walking out to the living room/lobby and they were sitting on the bench, kind of all over each other cuddling. I couldn't tell if he was glaring or staring at me so I just waved hi to JBS and went back to my room. They were touching each others' hand, whispering in each others' ears so I was like okay? I went out again, and his gaze still followed me then somehow their cellphones ended up in my room, ringing? It was odd. 

Anyways, later on I had 3 big fluffy cats who were mostly grey in my room. All my family members from Vietnam were there as well. I was all dressed up and I had 5 bunches of balloons, apporximately 6 in each. Most were pink with a few gray. Supposedly it was in Hawaii, for my birthday or wedding? I was holding one of the cats, a grey male. I was cooing at me, trying to have it place it's paw a certain way on me so carrying it would be easier. I told it that if he didn't cooperate then "Ari" wouldn't hold me - which turned out to be Arianna Grande which is odd because I'm not a fan of her either way. 

Lucifer's Week

Ugh. I hate this. Usually my days are pretty light with only the first day having significant lower back pain but this time is hell. My whole body aches but certain parts are extremely sore like my lower side stomach, my shoulder blades, my arms, my fibia, and not to mention lower back cramps and stomach cramps. Usually those two only last the first day with an ice pack and a good sleep but now nothing solves my pain. Advil doesn't work anymore, doesn't even relieve my achiness/soreness or my cramps. I'm more hungry, tired, fatigue. Oh it's just hell. 8 hours of sleep, still feel like nothing and my body still aches. The blood flow is just horrendous as well. Usually it's just a few light spots here and there but now it's like nope, let me gush everything out as though I've been stabbed in the uterus repeatedly. I'm nauseous all the time and feel like I'm gonna shit a waterfall. This serious blows.

Saw Nate and Tim the other day. Nate asked me when I'm returning to the restaraunt and honestly, I wish I could. I'm broke! I need the money, like desperately. Traffic is slow at the shop and all the payments for the trip is sucking my bank dry. I can't return just yet because I'll be out of the country this winter and once spring rolls around the shop will get busy again and I'll have to leave. So I don't know, I'd really like to come back and make some bank.

First fish.

Schools nearing an end and I still need to meet with a counselor lol. I totally forgot who the nice elderly lady I use to meet up with. I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave yet even though I'm already done with all the possible credits. 

Took the kids trick or treating. Dressed up as a school girl at work and changed into a cow when I took them out. Got chipotle beforehand. Allowed them to TOT from 6pm until 9:30 and I'm disappointed that they didn't get more than they did since we started so early and went for so long. It's okay in a way I guess. I can't even eat 4 pieces of candy in a day and I don't want them to eat too much sweets. Gosh, I'm growing old if I can't even stomach sweets. 

Got my photo taken for my visa, it looks similar to my passport one that was taken last year except I actually have make up on lol. My face looks more bloated though? I can't tell if it's because the person taking it was shorter than me therefore took it from an angle looking up or if I've filled out more than last year haha. 

Baked marinated Atlantic salmon and ahi tuna with a dry rub and butter. The tuna was very soft and flavorful, had a melt in your mouth consistency while the salmon had a more dry, crispy outer layer and savory taste. The salmon was perfected after squeezing a slice of lime or lemon for that extra kick! It was my first time preparing fish but the kids really loved it and my dad and uncle seemed to like it as well. It wasn't difficult but I was pretty puzzled on what to do since I'm not a big fish person besides sushi and fried fillets. 

No make up in my pp since Ami rushed me. 😓

The salmon looks burnt but it's not. The color is because of the dry rub : paprika, black pepper, Ect.