Date.

Woke up really not wanting to head over to the contest and I decided to bail out because one, I didn't know the direction, two, I hardly studied, three, I was lazy heh. Surprise surprise eh? I better get my t-shirt that came with my fee though. I'll be so angry if I don't get it! Dilly daddled until it was time to head out. I arrived 2 minutes late and everybody else had gotten there 10 minutes before the appointed time LOL. Oh, me and my tardiness. He called and lied that he was wearing a blue shirt so I was looking around for a blue shirt even though I had spotted them but I didn't see their face so I was like wtf? Watched the Croods and Michelle had to leave early for her debate at school. Kevin left early because he had to ahem "use the bathroom" but when the movie was over he wasn't even back yet and when we walked out to the middle of the cinema, he came walking up with everything and he's like here you go man, do yo shit. Omo, my 'date' was pretty ticked off because it didn't go the way he exactly wanted it to be to ask me to prom but I thought it was pretty  cute! Hehe, I learned a lot from the past. It's okay if things don't go the exact way you picture it, as long as they tried and their intentions were sincere it's good enough. Went out to eat at Applebees after Kevin bought his first lottery ticket. We got separated on the road and they lost me for like 30 minutes. I was like pho, I'll just look up the nearest Applebees on my GPS since my phone was dead and they couldn't call me because of it. I almost ended up on the highway! I was like omg, noooo! I'm gonna die so I had to quickly switch lanes like hell. Drove by them and I saw Kevin so I started screaming out of the window hehe. They were surprised to see me! They had been wandering around trying to find me! They were like, how'd you find us?!? Cause they tried so hard to find me and shit. After dinner we headed over to Target and Wal-Mart to jack around. Bumped into Dustin and a couple of other guys. Chatted for a bit before parting ways. So yeah, this blind 'date' wasn't bad. It was pretty funny and a bit awkward but way better than the one with Brandon for sure. After I posted photos, I started getting all these messages and text from guys who like me, asking if I have a boyfriend and shit. They were in a panic thinking that they've lost their chance aha. I'm not in a rush for anything serious or a boyfriend in any matter. Being friends with everybody is good enough for me. If he's already found someone special for him, that's okay because everybody deserves to be happy. We both caused pain for each other and it's time to start afresh like he said. Like I told Mrs. K, I'm not interested in dating anyone but rather focus on my studies. I don't know why but there's only a couple of people I can't bring myself to hate despite how badly they treated me. Michael in the past has gone through a phase where he hated everyone of his race. From being best friends, he would lash out and ignore me. It hurt my feelings a lot, especially being a nine year old girl at the time. No, I did not like him in that way but rather as an older brother. Even with all the hostility, even while crying and being hurt I still saw him as a good person, wanted to be there for him, and help him. Only years later did he contact me and apologize. He says he still feels guilt and remorse when he looks back at how he treated me and surprised at how I didn't retort or hate him. I don't know, it just wasn't him. It's the same way with you. I can't bring myself to hate you even with everything that's happened. Maybe you can hate me, maybe you do. I don't know but perhaps in time we can be friends or something more. The past you is what I remember, is what I see, and what I think of when I think of you. You're a great person and I'm sorry for the times I've dampen your spirits and not encouraging you on. I've learned and I've lost. Life is life eh.

What was once lost is found.

All day today I kept contemplating on possible feelings that I started feeling upset and sadden. I distanced myself from him which not only made him feel worse but myself as well! We both only had an hour of shut eye. He's so sweet for staying up for me whether it be just to talk or keep me company as I finish up homework even into the late wee hours of 6 on school nights. He's such a jokester that I thought it was just me falling for someone so easily, so quickly. I admit, in the beginning talking was strenuous and a bit awkward but we got along well! I noticed that he laughed a lot and smiled too but I thought it was just me. The things he did and asked, I placed them for acts of kindness too. That everything he did was out of politeness and not wanting prom to be awkward and boring but they were also signs of liking someone as well. He would always tease me, asking why I'm blushing and smiling like a geek hehe. I haven't felt been this happy in such a long time! I actually started crying when he started giving me the cold shoulder. Hehe, took me forever and so much guts to finally confess but I did. I didn't think it would be so soon because initially I had planned to play it out but I don't know what possessed me to act sensitive. Apparently it surprised him too, and when he told me that his feelings were mutual, you don't know how giddy I was! Ah la la~ who knew I could be taught to love again and so soon? Gonna cherish him and be patient, won't make the same mistakes again! 

I was so pooped during school today that when I got home I started throwing up. Bleh. Went off to work and didn't come home until 1:00AM. Actually had good business and it was so nice that I could wear shorts again but I wore a long sleeved shirt underneath my uniform shirt. All night I had customers checking me out, I even heard boys on the patio commenting on my level of attractiveness! Awh. Brian visited me at work and we met for the first time heh. He thought I look beautiful, all sweaty and zombie like from the lack of rest and work. Gave me a pretty big tip too, ty! Bumped into Jonah and Issiac too, chatted for a while outside and Jonah noticed how cold I was so he took off his leather coat and made me wear it. How nice. Ah, so many nice friends in my life. I'm so lucky. Now if only I could be as lucky with the lottery or homework assignments eh. :)

Like and Love.

In front of the person you like, your heart beats faster.
But in front of the person you love, you get happy.

In front of the person you love, winter seems like spring.
But in front of the person you like, winter is just beautiful winter.

If you look into the eyes of the one you like, you blush.
But if you look into the eyes of the one you love, you smile.

In front of the person you like, you can't say everything on your mind.
But in front of the person you love, you can.

In front of the person you like, you tend to get shy.
But in front of the person you love, you can show your own self.

You can't look straight into the eyes of the one you like.
But you can always smile into the eyes of the one you love.

When the one you love is crying, you cry with them.
But when the one you like is crying, you end up comforting.

The feeling of love starts from the eye.
But the feeling of like starts from the ear.

So if you stop liking a person you used to like, all
you need to do is cover your ears.
But if you try to close your eyes, love turns into a
drop of tear and remains in your heart forever.

Overanalyze?

This post is about boys and emotions, don't read if you don't wanna know.

I think this is different than before. I don't think he's lonely or wanting physical contact like the last guy. He doesn't call me things like babe, or cutie but I'm happy with the stuff that he does call me. We stay up late nights and joke for hours. I laugh and smile like a goofball but that's because he does the weirdest voices that are too funny not to laugh. I noticed that he smiles a lot too but I'm not sure if that's because I'm weird or if it's something else. Now, I'm not sure if he's into me or just trying to get close so it'll be less awkward for prom? I don't wanna like someone again after so long only to get rejected. I've had other guys confessed to me and I've been able to notice when they like me or not but my senses are blocked because of feelings. Ack, so difficult! He asked me about whether my parents wanted me to date white or asian guys and in all honestly they don't want me to date anybody anymore hehe..Iunno. Is that a normal thing to ask? I mean I ask people that all the time but I'm not sure if it's normal for others? Mmm..I'm gonna ask him to prom as well. Gonna sticky note his car and I'm thinking about getting him flowers. I wanna be cute about it even though haha. In the beginning I didn't wanna go at all but hey, why sit home and mope when I can go out and have fun? Plus, it was our friend that set us up for their prom. Which makes me wonder if he picked specifically me or if our friend just chose me? Sigh, so difficult to understand. Maybe if he wasn't sucha joker I'd be able to figure it out.

Proposal.

You can pretty much guess from the title right? Yup, wake up to have your mom tell you about your (2nd) marriage proposal only to have your fiance stolen later on in the week. LOL. Mmm, I don't mind. He's  wasn't as cute as my first fiance. Went to Olathe East Lanes for bowling, then laser tag, and finally to eat at Pizza Street. Ran into Freddie there and we chatted for a while. I was pretty surprised because we started talking the other night but hadn't seen each other in forever. Played DDR with Mary, Damian, and someone else at Laser tag. Omg, the machine kept messing up and eating all our token. We wanted two players not one damn it! The joint at my knees are achy as poop. Weird because I use to be able to do it for hours and only feel it in my thighs, not knees? Brandon got pretty riled up when I kept proclaiming Mary is mine haha. I don't think he knew what I meant when I asked him about the signal, mmm I guess moving forward is the best step. Cracked my phone when I returned to school, blarg! First time cracking my screen..William offered to get me a new phone but I declined because one, the one he wanted to get me was hella expensive! It's like dafuq, that's a fortune right there plus I'd feel quilty! Tommy's upset about me not keeping my word about our sushi date..that's only because I can't drive highways yet so he said he'll come to pick me up then lol. How sweet..and SUSHI! Awesome maaan.

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Tomorrow, if.

There's an urge to see how you're doing, to speak to you causally once again but I know I'll only be ignored and push aside. My friends are wanting to set me up on a date with a guy this weekend. Are you okay with that? If you don't want me to, if you still care just say hello or even nod in my direction is enough so I can know which direction to go. It's funny how different everything is, last year at Easter we were at your cousin's house and we had fun hiding the eggs and I was so nervous around your family members. They commented on how you have a good eye and that we looked like siblings. At incredibowls I would strike up conversations with you about Josh leading you to think I had a thing for him when honestly I didn't know what else to talk about haha. You were shocked to find out that I was friends with Sarahanne when we were standing in line for laser tag. Oh..how times have changed.

Found some old photos; 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Tears and broken hearts.

When?

Girls aren't the only ones who like to be chased, showered with attention, and promised the stars and moon but when is enough, enough?

Sending cards and flowers, staying devoted, when is it time to stop and let go? To be ignored and pushed aside, when do you know that they truly do not want the attention? There's always those who secretly enjoy and look forward to the attention and then there are those who deem the romantics to be psychotic.

You wanna prove them wrong, you wanna sweep them off their feet, wipe away their tears, fears, and doubts. You wanna be the Mulan who rescues them from the verge of darkness. You wanna prove them wrong and be the sunshine in their life but when is it time to give up and forget them? Where is the line between obsessive and dedication? Through the wrong doings and rain of brutality you see no wrong in them. You wanna reach out, be there, and hope that in time they'll realize but what happens when they never do and you become the bad one? There is the fear of losing everything you've invested, the good times, broken promises, and an un-lived future of us.

In the stars, lies our memories.

Those who give up are the only ones who lost.

I dreamt of you.

I had a dream about you last night. It made me so happy to see your face. You were bigger than I last saw you, barely able to crawl but now you were bouncing up and down, trying to walk! Still in your white shirt and pink pants, your eyes light up and we played together. Oh how happy I am to see you again my love. Even though it was abrupt and short, I'm still thankful to see you again. You are always in my heart and your presence in my dreams brings me happiness. If only I could record my dreams, I'd watch our moments over and over again.

250313

I'm sorry to disappoint you but there is no daily webcam quality photo today.

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But there is a high quality DSLR photo!

Sometimes you just gotta take the good with the bad.

My past concerns and thoughts.

Although you may not love me anymore, although you may not care. If you shall ever need me, you know that I'll be there. Your love may all be taken, your heart may not be free, but when your heart is broken, you can always lean on me. I'll never stop loving you, I know because I have tried. All the oceans in the world cant hold the tears I've cried.

I use to cry, I use to think about him nonstop, I use to think and do a lot of things but not anymore.  We both made mistakes in the relationship, what does one expect? We were both learning, loving each other as we grew. I question myself daily, about my actions towards him during the relationship and my actions afterwards. There was so much anger towards him, towards a lot of people. Did I do the right thing? Should I have just kept him away but still keep the child? I don't harbor any ill emotions towards his family, heck I love em but wouldn't they look at me negatively if I had? It would be wrong to keep them from being in their grandchild's life, that is if they wanted to be there but then..wouldn't he have to be involved as well or somehow? I didn't want to suffer through all the stares, gossip, and sacrifices only to have him receive parental rights in the end if he wasn't there in the beginning. Ami wanted me to demand child support if I kept the baby but then that would mean I'd either have to put down his name on the birth certificate or I would have to make him take a DNA test to establish his paternity which would give him parential rights. He could demand custody or visitation rights which is something I wasn't too keen on if he wasn't going to be there through thick and thin, not pop in whenever was convenient for him. I didn't want him to have the chance to be absent throughout the whole pregnancy then suddenly pop outta nowhere and be super daddy when he wants to be. I didn't want him to be of influence upon the child. I didn't want my baby, my child to bond and prefer him over me. Yes, I would most likely have custody of the child but after the child grows up it's up to who he/she prefers. In a way yes, I was being selfish and not thinking what was best for my child because he/she deserves a father figure. It doesn't have to be exactly him but who else would step up to the plate? My dad, he's not much of a figure and doesn't even play with his own children. I didn't want my baby exposed to his anger. I wanted someone who was motivated, someone who could support the his own offspring if he were to be called a daddy. So many complications and concerns that I feared and that was only half of it.  Oh how the whole Vietnamese community would gossip, not to mention family back in Vietnam. You can't hide that shit for long. 
I don't see males in the same light I use to. I don't know, I just don't trust them to be there in dire times. They don't have that attraction to them. My eyes don't sparkle, my heart doesn't rapidly beat, my stomach doesn't do flip flops like I once did. Men have lost their luster in my eyes. Heck, even if a guy were want to get serious I don't know if I'd be capable of feeling love towards another guy for a while.
I'm past the stage of mourning but still, whenever I think back to that dream of my little baby girl, being a silly little poop, falling asleep on the stairs. Dressed in a white long sleeve shirt and in pink, fleece pants; your messy head of hair with specks of brown from the sunlight, I recall it all so clear. Holding you in my arms, fast asleep my little angel. I always expected you to be a boy, I don't know why? I always had that feeling but you came to me in the form of a girl. To Ami, you came in the form of a boy. So weird eh? But you're my baby girl. Mine. Mommy isn't much of a crybaby anymore but she still shed tears when she thinks of you. Did you know that you would've been a May baby, possibly June like your father? Would you have looked more like mommy? Or would you have that glare your father had when he was a child? Either way, you would've been a wonderful, beautiful child. He may deny your existence, he may call me a liar, he may hate us both but I'll forever love you, my precious darling. A group of my friends who decided to keep go through with their pregnancy, even without the father in the picture, all have beautiful babies. One of my friend(K) wants to throw a get together for the kids to play together. Makes me kind of envious. Odd huh? I would've been so up for that even though you wouldn't have been able to play with any of the other toddlers. I was foolish and gave up you but I promise if I ever get the chance again, I won't make the same mistake but I do not plan to have another for a long time so don't worry baby. <3

Beauty.

So, I didn't get called out today. Blarg! But I ended up getting dropped off for work by Ami and worked for like half an hour then sent home. They had to keep this newbie lady though since she was scheduled to close but she didn't know her shit and easily got flustered. Then you have a stupid jackass declaring that he's gonna sue corporation because the snowplow man was blocking his way so he couldn't order. Wtf. Sigh. I felt sorry for the manager. Then they called me up around 8PM asking me to come in because they only have one cook and one carhop since the higher ups demand labor be low. Sighhh. The aunties are wanting to go traveling around the northeast but I don't wanna. Wanna go around DC, Atlantic city, and NJ. Bleh, asking me about my Japanese loverboy. Funneh haha! Commented that I'm getting fat. Ack! More determination to work out, gotta get me some of what Ami had before. I wonder if I give mommy money she'll buy it for me..? 

White 

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Colored

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Inspired Outfits

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My desired physical appearance? To tone up and obtain abs. I know it's difficult and demands constant 

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Bigger boobs from tainted milk?

Here's a little somethin' before you leave. ;)

Photo blog 2.

Photos from my phone, except one, since I've gotten it. Not in order. 

One of my favorites, not sure why even though my face looks chubby in it! In Japan.

Two different types of face masks, the one above is my favorite even though it's so thick!

Sarahanne fishbraided my hair. <3

Woke up and got ready for work so my face is a little swollen.

Soaking and pampering myself, yay for nude photos! LOL.

Work it.

Le gasp! I've been neglecting my little friends downstairs! And no, not down there. Lower, like the bottom of the stairs. My feet! I have so many clothes, purses, and accessories but hardly any shoes and my footwear tends to break the outfit since I'll be wearing a really cute outfit but sport ugly shoes wtf lol. I've never been a handbag girl but I've noticed that I have a growing collection. A total of 10 handbags in less than a year, scary shopper here. I've bought a lotta new girly clothes, none of those kiddish graphic tees but my wardrobe still consists of mostly black and white hehe. Bought over $50 worth of earrings so Ill be good for a while, Ami is even mooching off of me lol, but she lost my yin yang pair, grrr! Debating if I should get more sandals or start training myself in the talent of wearing heels hmmm. Decisions, decisions. I will never wear flats, they make your feet constricted and it feels like you're walking barefoot underneath. I have been putting more effort into my appearance like back then in freshman year but more au-natural than worrying about trends like "gyaru" and such. Working on self improvement not only on the inside but also outside!
I was so pooped waking up for work today. I couldn't fall asleep until around 6:00AM. Gah! I'm gonna die when school's back in session. Work was slow until happy hour rolled around. Apparently the store on 151st still has my name and shizz so my payments are connected to that store as well. Why the heck do they still have my name?! I quit a long time ago and when I had to transfer over there for a day to help, they didn't even have my name then. Hmph. Started snowing pretty heavy but it was beautiful! Carhopping in the snow, not very fun but it was a pretty sight! Tips were average and business was slower than usual but steady. I'm so grateful for my job even if it's not a high paying job or high end. Money is money and it has enabled me to obtain many things and gotten me through difficult situations emotionally, mentally, and financially. Without it I wouldn't be able to afford the luxuries I have now without the authority of parents, the procedure, and have the wonderful experience I have now. It has taught me to be confident, speak out, and there's no need to be shy because it does not give off a welcoming vibe. A pretty face and outgoing personality draws more people than a quiet, polite one. I thought I looked pretty cute today since the snow made my hair wavy even though I left the house with pin straight hair hehe. Time to pamper and prevent myself from catching a cold because of the cold+snow! Blarg, sick of coming home and finding all my Japanese omiyage gone! Eating all my goodies before I even had a chance to touch any, especially my green tea kit kats when I bought 3 bags! Family overseas are wanting me to return and go on a family trip through Vietnam and Thailand or come over to the US and go around the states such as Washington DC, Hawaii, and Vegas. I'm really not wanting to go anywhere with family. I kinda just wanna separate myself from family at the moment.

A cutie even after a long shift eh? :)

A future with uncertainty.

To some I am resilient and distinct, to others I am fragile and pure. 

What am I really? A mixture of both. I am determined to succeed, to rise above the debris and dust. Behind the confidence is fear though, unspoken doubts, and loneliness. 

Woke up a bit earlier than usual from the jet lag but still later than yesterday. Hopped outta bed and got ready for my first day of work since I've returned. I was pretty nervous since I was afraid I'd forgotten stuff which is silly since I'm a workaholic, memorizing prices with and without taxes, and dreaming of working hehe. Brought some snacks for everybody to try, well the morning people got to try since they were there first. Work was slow as poop but tips picked up towards the end of the night. Work is a stress reliever for me but also a source of stress, how odd huh? Bought myself over +$30 on hair accessories, impulsive buying again. Naughty naughty me! I'm gonna get scolded by parents once it arrives. Oh wells! Still waiting to get paid from the other 2 paychecks, getting a bit impatient! Missing out on over +$200 here! I swear, the internet makes me binge shop to the max! I'm such a loyal customer with Amazon it's sad. I should probably apply for a premium membership teehee. Debating with myself again, gotta stop lying to myself. He doesn't care, doesn't  matter how I'm doing, and he's happy with her even if it's on the DL with outsiders. Eh, it's whatevs. I'm happy! If it's meant to be then maybe in a year or maybe a few decades we'll meet again, if not then it wasn't meant to be. Parents are wanting me to focus on my studies, after I turn 18 and graduate then they'll choose who I marry. No worries about falling in love and the details. No stress, woot, plus Ami's tying the knot soon.

Courage does not mean absence of fear but the willingness to triumph. 

Tegami.

I should've conveyed my affection clearer. By bottling emotions and being a pig head, I dragged out and strained a beautiful relationship. I brought injuries upon two undeserving hearts. If only I had been more understanding, lenient, and willing to compromise. Always afraid of getting hurt, I ended up hurting myself and someone I deeply care about. I shouldn't have undermined nor overestimate my emotions' capacity. Sometimes I'm uncertain whether I should have wholeheartedly believed the promises or fully disregarded them instead of pushing them away yet secretly harboring faith in those words. I'm sorry about the way things out and I want to make amends. I tried to hate, I tried to forget, I'm trying. There's a tinge of emptiness and warmth when I recount the memories of us, and there's a tinge of pain when I try to forget the happiness with the coldness of reality. Are things better this way for other parties? Him on his end, free from restraints, blessed with time and activities. I, with priorities that must be fulfilled yet there's a sense of emptiness. I don't know.

Within' less than 2 months we would've met. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better angel. I should've thought more on your behalf than mine. Perhaps if I pushed harder for him to be involved things would be different, maybe you'd still be here with me and the possibility of having a father wouldn't be too far off. Locked in a state of anger, confusion, and excuses I acted out. Do you think he would've been there though? At the monthly check-ups, the delivery room, and late nights or would he visit once in a blue moon? Wouldn't he be ashamed or is he already ashamed? In the beginning I was angry with him. At the same time I wanted him to take full responsibility but also not give him any rights. I was a moody woman who couldn't make up her mind. Afterwards I hated him, I hated everything about him, it was all his fault but I've realized that no, it's not his fault. It's nobody's fault. We both took part in creating you and we should've stepped up to our responsibilities. I'm sorry for the pitiful effort, for the selfishness on my part, for not being able to see you just one more time even in my dreams. I just want to see you once more.

In a storm of jealousy and rage I said hurtful things and I apologize for that once again but are you worth a friendship? Are you worth the manipulation and twisted words? Jumping down my throat while I explain my point of view, defending the other person even though I did not attack nor bash talk anyone? Taking part in badmouthing me, taking part in destroying my gifts, is it worth salvaging such a friendship? Believing lies, labeling my words as make believe. You stated that this friendship was important to you yet when I confronted you about what you do behind my back you go off and show it to the other people who try to tarnish my reputation, what kind of friend are you exactly? You didn't even reply back but rather ignored it and continued to poke and laugh at my pain. I heard rumors about your flakiness but I dismissed them. A foolish mistake huh? 

And you. You. It's enough to bash on one person but to bash on a person you've hardly interacted with. Really? I drove you home in the middle of the night! I tried to befriend you while we were dating the cousins. I never said a single black thing about you when things got sour on your end but with me, what do you do? Rather than staying quiet or trying to make light of things you dig deeper in the wound. You push him to move on, why? Was it because you wanted a fairy tale relationship that you saw from the outside? The words you hear from others about me passed on down are golden yet you haven't spoken a word to me since the night I drove you home. How ironic how you've come to dislike me and fear me. What is there to fear? You desire to meet me so badly yet you won't even contact me but rather go through a middle man and have others there if we communicate. What is the matter? Because I'm ferocious, that I'll eat you alive like a tiger devours a lamb but can you see the fear and sadness in my eyes? Of course not, your selfishness clouds your eyes so that you see nothing but your wants and desires. 

"The past can hurt but with the way I see it, you can either run away from it or learn from it."

Calling you.

Today was the earliest I've ever woken up since I've been back; 10:40AM. Gah! Only because mama woke me up to download yahoo messenger for her lols. Nobody uses YIM anymore so I don't bother having it on my stuff, mostly just skype but I don't even use that. Funny thing, when I returned and went to log into skype I saw his username as one of the usernames previously used but he's never logged into skype using my computer before? I just brushed it aside and when I logged into my account I noticed that his username wasn't on my contacts list anymore. Even stranger. Hmm, I don't know what's going on but I'm probably just being paranoid. He probably changed instant messengers or social networking sites for all I know. It's whatever. If he really hates me to that point, there's nothing else I could do. Trying to apologize, trying to mend a broken friendship, won't I just get it thrown back in my face? In a way I'm scared to approach him but why shouldn't I be? I'm not trying to jump to conclusions and what not but our last meeting wasn't exactly warm. Plus, she'd probably get all jealous and jump on me. I don't wanna be seen as the bad person but I'm not gonna stand there and be treated that way by someone who betrayed me. It's alright, I have to try to move forward in life, live life for myself. 

 Went shopping for electronics with the family, got myself some mango boboa. Still got a shitload of make-up work due tomorrow and I'm working all weekend too. Bleh, why can't I have a bit of sunshine in my life? 

Trying to self improve inside and out. Been doing face masks every night, which I really need to stop with because I think I'll make my skin immune to it! I've paid more attention to my hair and just my skin and body in general. Been trying to think positive, keep my senses clear, and think of others but at the same time conscious of my needs.

Soulmate.

What is a soul mate?

Must there be some kind of sexual attraction to that person? 
Does such thing even exist?
Is it everlasting?

A soul mate is someone who understands you, the one who is emotionally and mentally connected without words being spoken. There will be times when both sides quarrel. It's okay. He completes your sentences, he completes your existence, he completes you. He restore your hopes, your faith, he restores the humanity in you.

A soul mate does not wait to be found by constant searching. It may not exist in science but it's real  within our hearts and dreams.  A soul mate is discovered when a connection is formed. The connection does not occur from sexual desires. It is a spiritual bond. It is the soul craving to be nourished and fed from that very source, the one that matches it. Even when both parties split, they're still soul mates. That connection still remains. They're lost souls trying to fit their puzzle piece with another. Even when apart, the mind still lingers back to that person.

Thinking back to the past.

I'm not sure why but ever since I've returned I find my mind lingering back to past memories that I had no recollection. Why are they returning at the slightest reminder? I had forgotten most of my Thai and Laos vocabulary from not using it but out of nowhere I start remembering the things I use to use around him such as "Sep hum" and "Ethu"; just random words I had picked up on. I remember when I use to call him fat girl because I thought it sounded cool haha. Oh the happy times. Why am I remember them now though? I tried to hate him, I tried to detest him by thinking back to the fights that took place and remember the harsh words, the cold actions, how much I had pleaded yet I don't feel hatred. I try to reassure myself by replaying the memory of his cold words, his hostile glares, and the distance between us that night yet..I still find myself coming back to the happy days. For some reason at the shrine I had prayed for his well being and I found something at the stalls that reminded me of the past, one of the many inside symbols of our past. It really suited him but I don't dare give it to him because he'd probably just trash it. Sometimes I find myself wanting to reach out and ask how he's doing, say hello and be civilized but that would only hurt in the end. Heck, why would he even bother interacting with me if I reached out? Sigh, I'm going crazy. Maybe it's her presence that's making me think back to him. I don't know. I just find myself thinking back and wondering how he's doing. Stupid huh?
I'm sure you're doing well, perfectly happy with life as it is, maybe even happier than ever. I don't wish you harm but it would be a lie if I said that I'm happy as long as you're happy. I don't want to be enemies, I don't want to hurt or harm. Is it better that we become strangers as we fade from each others' lives and memories? Is it better for you? Maybe you're doing me a favor, maybe we're both doing each other a favor. Our actions don't anger one another and we're both free in a way. I just don't know. She said that I'm patient with you, not harboring negative emotions, still silently waiting. It's times like this that I really do wish and hope adults are right.

I guess I should just focus on myself. Focus on self improvement, explore new skills/talents, and worry about my second job at the Vietnamese restaurant. Finished my scarf, it's over 5'4". So proud of myself, my decision about it is still unclear. Had a debate about love with my parents and uncle. It was surprisingly enjoyable and wasn't just them lecturing. Mama said that it's stupid to fall too deep in the mist of love, uncle deemed that I was too young to venture in the field of love and that my studies are the top priority, surprisingly my dad sympathized with my perspective. Love is still very unclear to me but I feel as though I've gotten a slight grasp, a better understanding of it but not enough. It's not the sappy, sweetness of affection nor is it the bitter, resentment of pain but rather lessons drawn from previous experiences.

Here's some more random photos from the trip, stolen from others hehe.
1. At the shrine, I'm the second far left.
2. After the action plan performance.
3. In Iwanuma, painting strawberries.

 I couldn't decide hehe.

News.

I swear, I've gotten addicted to facial cloth masks! I've been having a crave to do em every night but I'd run out in less than a month. I wonder if the US sells them cheaply? I got my fortune read at a shrine and it stated: I would prosper in the business area, do not listen to the criticism of others and live with a confident heart, I will obtain what I strive for but once I obtain what I desire I should withdraw, I will be expecting a baby soon, I will be receiving many marriage proposals soon, and that I'm the best lover there is. The last three made me go eruh since I was having Hiro-san read it to me and D-sensei was listening in on it since she wanted to hear what I got. I still have the fortune with me, I dunno. It sort of gives me hope. The news of a baby made me kind of sweat, especially since I don't want that kind of responsibility again and they both looked at me funny when the news of a baby and marriage came up. Sarahanne and I were roommates during our stay in Tokyo, one morning she said that it sounded as though I was in pain since I kept tossing in turning, whincing, and saying things in my sleep. She said she wasn't sure if she should've woken me up since I seemed as though I was upset. I had no clue I did such things in my sleep since no one has ever told me that. Maybe I only do it when I'm stressed? We had a little talk and apparently Brandon did get piss that I turned out Valentine's "date" into a group hangout since he wanted it to be exclusively us which is odd since he stated it would only be a friend's thing not to mention he kept putting his hand on my leg and putting it up higher and higher along my leg all the way up to my thigh as I was driving, asking if it was awkward. He wanted to see how our little V Day's date went and planned on asking me to prom. Hearing this made me horror at the thought because originally I do not want to attend prom and I don't want to be all up close to me and slow dance. One of my Korean male friend is wanting me to attend prom with him as well at his HS but I declined since it's in Overland Park. A friend of Li-Shin is wanting to take me to prom but since we haven't met yet he doesn't want to seem like a creeper. So many prom requests lawl. I was originally planning on just working on all prom nights but if a suitable, noncreepy guy asks me I guess I won't decline? I had a couple contact me asking me to be their photographer for their Wedding! They looked through my photos on facebook and they liked my style! I never expected such an offer because I always saw photography as a hobby rather than a profession. I'll be taking a few days off of school since I'll have to travel to the destination of where they're holding the wedding and stay 3 days. Life's just been life but I've had a lot of opportunities pop up in my face. Maybe I'm destine to go places? I just have to get off the ground and start walking forward. 

Some of my fashion style while in JP

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Here's yur daily photo.

If you look outside tonight.

You'll see the stars of our past. I'll be engulfed in the midnight blanket as I recount each star which represents the memories we once had. Tonight's the perfect to revisit what we use to enjoy together.

Held an all nighter. Went outside around 6:40AM to greet the sunrise but it never came so I ended up just freezing my ass off. Finished up some camera whoring before heading inside around 7:40AM. Afterwards I finished up uploading all the photos from Japan and by then a majority had woken up so I went for a walk. Tommy called me up to get some sushi but I had to decline. Went shopping at OP Mall with Uncle Khoi, who still wants to meet Corey which puts me in a difficult situation because I've said before that we didn't work out. He wanted to invite him out for coffee tonight - eeehh. There are times when I'll rewatch the video I made for our one year anniversary and I'll find myself smiling throughout the whole 4:55. Seeing him laugh, seeing his face - there's a longing to reach out and cup his face in my hands. It feels right, it feels completed whenever I did that but if I were to see him now face to face, I can't even meet his hostile gaze. We had some really wonderful memories but reality is so different now. Other times I can't even listen to certain songs because it'll remind me of him such as "Creating Love" and "Love you more". I don't know why there's so much hatred towards me, so much negativity. I must've put a lot of pain upon his heart huh? There has to be a reason for all this resentment, is it from my past actions? Because I didn't convey my affection clearly, because I wasn't what I was in the beginning? Or is it from his remorse, his guilt and regret? A lot of pain was inflicted upon my heart too. He was my first everything besides kiss. First real boyfriend, first person to give me butterflies which makes me want to run away and hide but at the same time rush up to him. A relationship without a bond is mere acquaintance, marriage without love is just a piece of paper signed by the government. A kiss is just a kiss, a hug is just a hug, a touch is just skin brushing against each other until there is love. I'm glad to hear that he's doing well, I mean, that's how I should feel right? I was quiet surprised to hear he was learning how to play the guitar considering that I was already learning before I left to Japan. Honestly, I had taken up lessons because I wanted to play a special song for him but that reason doesn't matter anymore. I'm still continuing with my guitar lessons. I know she was just trying to comfort me with her words but I know how it is. They're an item. Yes, it's odd and I really did want to be a part of the family considering that I've already formed a connection and gotten everybody's relation and names down. Now, I don't want to exclusively see or date anyone because I just want to focus on myself and education.

Anyways while in Japan, I had fallen ill and got sent to the hospital. Experienced my first earthquake, even though it was considered pretty small to the Japanese! I went to the public bathhouses every night because I couldn't stand showering in my bathroom unless it was in the Keio Plaza Hotel. There were times when I would hear about him from others, and it gave me a knot in my stomach as I try to ignore and block it out of my head. He seemed like a dream I couldn't quite grasp, so far away and so distant. His words began to become muddle in the memories and his image whited out. I got pretty close with almost everybody but there was a period when I was irritated with everyone at the same time and not because I was on the cycle because I wasn't. Packed a full suitcase of snacks and half of my duffel bag with snacks and the other half with clothes. Whenever we're out in town, I'm always the one doing the talking with natives. Wonder why it's always me? Guess I just have more balls and don't mind getting weird stares or messing up hehe. On my last night in a foreign nation, I conversed with a group of Japanese men and they invited me to go drink Sake with them. Should've said yes! Ah they were so cute and I don't think they would've placed a roofie in my drink plus it wouldn't matter too much even if they did right? Gave a couple of guys my email while in Japan so we could keep in touch. Can't wait to go come back to Japan in a few years, if not a reunion with the other Kizuna participants if I don't take part of the foreign exchange student program in college.

I tend to do this pose a lot eh?