I should've conveyed my affection clearer. By bottling emotions and being a pig head, I dragged out and strained a beautiful relationship. I brought injuries upon two undeserving hearts. If only I had been more understanding, lenient, and willing to compromise. Always afraid of getting hurt, I ended up hurting myself and someone I deeply care about. I shouldn't have undermined nor overestimate my emotions' capacity. Sometimes I'm uncertain whether I should have wholeheartedly believed the promises or fully disregarded them instead of pushing them away yet secretly harboring faith in those words. I'm sorry about the way things out and I want to make amends. I tried to hate, I tried to forget, I'm trying. There's a tinge of emptiness and warmth when I recount the memories of us, and there's a tinge of pain when I try to forget the happiness with the coldness of reality. Are things better this way for other parties? Him on his end, free from restraints, blessed with time and activities. I, with priorities that must be fulfilled yet there's a sense of emptiness. I don't know.
Within' less than 2 months we would've met. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better angel. I should've thought more on your behalf than mine. Perhaps if I pushed harder for him to be involved things would be different, maybe you'd still be here with me and the possibility of having a father wouldn't be too far off. Locked in a state of anger, confusion, and excuses I acted out. Do you think he would've been there though? At the monthly check-ups, the delivery room, and late nights or would he visit once in a blue moon? Wouldn't he be ashamed or is he already ashamed? In the beginning I was angry with him. At the same time I wanted him to take full responsibility but also not give him any rights. I was a moody woman who couldn't make up her mind. Afterwards I hated him, I hated everything about him, it was all his fault but I've realized that no, it's not his fault. It's nobody's fault. We both took part in creating you and we should've stepped up to our responsibilities. I'm sorry for the pitiful effort, for the selfishness on my part, for not being able to see you just one more time even in my dreams. I just want to see you once more.
In a storm of jealousy and rage I said hurtful things and I apologize for that once again but are you worth a friendship? Are you worth the manipulation and twisted words? Jumping down my throat while I explain my point of view, defending the other person even though I did not attack nor bash talk anyone? Taking part in badmouthing me, taking part in destroying my gifts, is it worth salvaging such a friendship? Believing lies, labeling my words as make believe. You stated that this friendship was important to you yet when I confronted you about what you do behind my back you go off and show it to the other people who try to tarnish my reputation, what kind of friend are you exactly? You didn't even reply back but rather ignored it and continued to poke and laugh at my pain. I heard rumors about your flakiness but I dismissed them. A foolish mistake huh?
And you. You. It's enough to bash on one person but to bash on a person you've hardly interacted with. Really? I drove you home in the middle of the night! I tried to befriend you while we were dating the cousins. I never said a single black thing about you when things got sour on your end but with me, what do you do? Rather than staying quiet or trying to make light of things you dig deeper in the wound. You push him to move on, why? Was it because you wanted a fairy tale relationship that you saw from the outside? The words you hear from others about me passed on down are golden yet you haven't spoken a word to me since the night I drove you home. How ironic how you've come to dislike me and fear me. What is there to fear? You desire to meet me so badly yet you won't even contact me but rather go through a middle man and have others there if we communicate. What is the matter? Because I'm ferocious, that I'll eat you alive like a tiger devours a lamb but can you see the fear and sadness in my eyes? Of course not, your selfishness clouds your eyes so that you see nothing but your wants and desires.
"The past can hurt but with the way I see it, you can either run away from it or learn from it."
