Been thinking a lot about my past, the events that have taken place, my actions, and the people in my life. Right now I'm just sorting out my feelings and thoughts, realizing some things and make changes. Taking a break from blogging my daily life but rather writing in my diary. Not sure when I'll resume but I'm sure my feedjit will be dead by the time I return. XD
I have been having so many epic dreams. Like not interesting but EPIC to the max. First off, it started with me having a party in my basement. What the poop even? A bunch of people were there and then I spotted Corey in the corner. He was wearing his light blue t-shirt with a hole in the near left corner. Yes, I remember certain shirts. No, that isn't crazy - I just paid close attention to his wardrobe when he dated. He wasn't dressed like he does nowadays but more of how he appeared back then. He had that light caramel shaggy hair. Looked very awkward and shy - not hostile the very least but not open towards me for sure. Everyone left and it was just the two of us left. He continued to avoid me. What?
Anyways, on to the next part of my dream. It was in the back of Scarborough on the field. Everyone was in armor and had weapons. I had this sword which I couldn't figure how to get it attached to my side haha. The sheath was covered in these scale design. We were waiting for a major battle to unfold. An enormous worm popped out of the earth and we had to defeat it because it was the beginning of the end. It was a pale nude color, like an animated earthworm. Like Ekans but paler? There was a glowing green substance behind it as well. We had to be careful to avoid it's lullaby too because it was like a siren that would lead us to our deaths. When it set out it's hypnotizing melody, we had to fight to not listen and forge on with attacks. I was mostly shielding myself with my sword as rocks flew in my direction. Shortly the worm went overground and tunneled to the right towards OS. In my mind I was thinking phew! Because I had parked my car in the parking lot and didn't want it to go under my car because it would create a crack in the ground and wreck it and also probably damage my house. Voldemort was in it was well..? We were both relieved that the monstrous worm hadn't come in the direction of our cars since we had parked next to each other. What the poop. I think I had this kind of battlement because the night before I was talking about Runescape with a bud?
A lot of people seem to take me not dating someone after my break up with Corey as not being over him. I can see why they might think that but I've come to a conclusion that I am. Yes, there will always be a part of me that will always love and care for him even with the type of person he's become. A part of me will want to know from time to time how he's doing - that's he not dead but other than that I don't want to know anything further. I have a twist satisfaction in the sense that I'm finally happy, and better off in life now. I don't want to date because I feel that it will distract me from my academic goals. If I were to date I want to be sure that the relationship has the potential to blossom into marriage later on. Yeah, I would date around but only after my senior year and for fun. The other person would know beforehand that this is just a for fun relationship - nothing to be taken serious, like those relationships you have in junior high. Something that's simple, short, and cute to pass the time. I don't think I would be able to date a friend though because I don't want to hurt a friendship just because I'm unsure of my position in life and my feelings. Yeah, friendzone sucks but if he just doesn't have the quality of what I look in a man then I have to pass it up. Even my sister and my mother supports my decision in staying single. They want to me focus in school, they don't care if I hang out with guys as long as it's in a group or that they've met the guy. My dad just hates all guys, period. He knows dating is a distraction and prefers me to stay home and study. My mom doesn't mind me going out and socializing as long as it's within' reason and with people she knows of such as Michelle and Megan. My mother, she goes on a rampage just to make sure I don't fall in love and get hurt again. The first and last time I got heartbroken, I nearly scared her to death and the kids as well. They were all scared because it was the first time they saw me utterly broken - bawling like no other. Many people pressure me to date to show that I'm over my past but what if I'm not? What if I still want to cherish those moments? What if I'm not ready? I don't want to use someone as a rebound, it's just wrong and shows how much I may not be over my past. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't have to mean you're over your ex. I dunno. I just have a lot hesitation against dating and so does my family so I appreciate guys' friends messaging me that hey I should date their friend because they're a good guy and all but I'm just not ready. I mean, yeah I do get crushes on certain guys from time to time but it fades away relatively quickly and nothing comes out of it and I'm glad. It makes things easier for me and my friendship with the guy stays solid because real emotions and feelings weren't invested. It was more of a playground crush. Not to mention I get told that I have a very flirtatious personality and I don't mean to come off as that either. It doesn't mean I have an interest in the person, that's just how I connect with people.
Yes, I have been talking about the topic of being over my past and what not lately but I'm just trying to get a feel on my position at the moment. I want to reestablish the fact that I'm confident on where my heart lies and the path I'm taking.
I've been talking things over with a friend to try and see where my position is at the moment. In the beginning he thought I wasn't over my last ex while I was pretty confident I was. I found myself smiling when I was retelling about my past with him but thinking of how he is now and hearing about his behavior - it brings a sour taste to my mouth. He asked if I would get back with my ex - my reply? A simple no. I've realized that I fell in love with a fictional person because that's not his true self but rather a figment of the person he wanted me to believe he was. I'm glad that I was able to experience love - even if it was with a false person. Now my friend is confident that I'm over my ex while I'm shaky on the subject. Isn't funny how our stance has flipped flop? I guess I'm still in love with the past? But totally not him. When I hear about his current actions - it makes me roll my eyes and scoff. His bitches make me laugh as well. Continue to trash talk and read my writings. I guess its a whole lot better than theirs since I care less about their pile of shit. When will these mother fuckers learn to get a life? Will I have to take a metal bat to their snout? But then I'd get charged with animal abuse. Too bad.
Chatted with William earlier last week. At first he thought I had greatly matured and change only to be shattered later on with my poop comments haha. Skated on Saturday, Justin wasn't able to make it since we had to reschedule to 3PM. Poor Michelle got sick. The cute staff dude who put the moves on me wasn't there. Ah boo, nobody to catch me now.
Mama called earlier this morning and stated that I'm going back in the summer for surgery and I'm like, "No mom. Summer is my money making time." and left for school. I don't see why she wants me to go in the summer so bad besides the point that I'd be "prettier faster". Yes, I do take pride in shoving it in other people's face when I get prettier. It's like "Ha! FU. Thought I was ugly? Bahaha, you funny little piece of shit. I was pretty before but now I'm fucken beautiful and you can't deny it." Yes, I am crazy. Let's move on. I feel fall/winter is better because:
Don't take a shower or wash your hair until the day after laser eye surgery.
-Skimping on showers/bathes are easier done when it's cold.
Avoid getting soap in your eye when bathing and washing your hair for at least one week after laser eye surgery. You should also avoid getting products such as hair spray and shaving lotion in your eyes while healing from laser eye surgery.
-Again, avoiding hygienic routines are easier done when it's cold.
Avoid rubbing your eyes for the first week after laser eye surgery.
-Less irritation in the cold(Or so I believe?)
Don't drive until you feel comfortable doing so.
-Parents already don't like me driving with snow.
Wear the eye shield/goggles that you received in your postoperative kit when you are sleeping for the first seven nights after laser eye surgery.
-This, I'm scared off. I tend to move in my sleep.
Don't allow tap water to get in your eyes for at least a week after laser eye surgery.
-Sounds good.
Avoid swimming pools, whirlpools, saunas, and lakes at least 14 days after laser eye surgery.
-I don't wanna miss out on summer fun, now do I?
No eye makeup for at least one week after laser eye surgery. Discard partially used makeup to avoid bacterial contamination.
-Fine by me.
Don't get your hair colored or permed for at least 10 days after laser eye surgery.
-Haven't colored my hair in over a year.
No exercise for two days after laser eye surgery.
-I'm doing 50 miles a day in the summer. Not possible.
Wear eye protection for at least the first month once you have resumed exercise and sports activities after laser eye surgery.
-I don't work out in the winter.
Avoid dirty/dusty environments for seven days.
-Isn't it dustier in the summer?
Bright sunshine may cause scarring, and therefore, sunglasses are recommended on bright days over a period of 12 months after laser eye surgery
-No worries about bright sunshine in the winter time.
Oh, no crying either or getting pregnant. That's my biggest problem. Woot. Think I got sick. Stuffy, running nose, sneezing, and drowsiness.
Em han nguoi. Anh da lam em tang mot nguoi dien. Ai cung ghet em, ai cung chi choi va cuoi vao mat em. Nghi em la mot con dien, mot con khung. Mot con cho bi dien, khong ai muon. Nhung anh sai. Em se khong chet. Em se song va em se vui. Em se tim mot dan ong ma yeu thuong em that long.
Got a lot of compliments on today, wah. So happy that so many people thought I looked pretty. ^
My personality, my way of thinking has changed a lot. I've grown, maybe even matured in a sense but I'm also bitter, cold, and cynical which may be seen as a primitive trait? I've extended my social circle, avoided the pit falls of ugliness, and recognize the need to be independent and others' need for affection. I can't just hoard love and not return any. In order to obtain any sense of love I must first be comfortable in my own skin, love and accept myself before I can love others.
I'm still hesitant on ever fully committing myself to someone and meeting their family. Quite scary! I don't see a reason to introduce them to my family either if it's not a serious thing because my parents are very irritated and sensitive when it comes to boys now. They don't want me to go through another heartbreak and instead focus upon my education as well as the family. I guess I could say in a way, they forbid it. I'm okay with that because I don't see any importance in dating either because it is my senior year after all, afterwards everyone is moving out and to new places so why even bother starting something if it's only going to end soon or have complications?
My standards or evaluation on a potential mate is pretty rigid but not to the point that I could become a cat lady in the future - although I wouldn't mind that. Even though my evaluation has risen, my part has risen as well. I know that I can't always be a spoiled brat and keep him away from his passion and his friends just because I want him all to myself.
A lot of guys have shown interest in courting me, some of em even throw me by surprise since the other parties and I have been friends for some time and it just never seemed like they had any interest in me or at least when I wasn't single. A lot of guys have definitely been more courageous in confessing their feelings and making moves on me and I'm flattered. I don't see nor really want to commit myself with anyone at the moment, especially if we're not comfortable no matter how attractive the other person is. If I can't fart or poop around them then we're just not cut out to be - at least not yet so friendship is a better route for the moment.
So, to cut it sweet and short or try to make the message a bit clearer. I'm willing to try again but right now is just not the time and the fear of failure is still glaring at me like a red stop light.
Had a dream that I was all up on this dude and had my hand on his boob. I'm not sure why but in the dream the boob reminded me of Corey's boob? SO WEIRD. Awk haha. But omg his pec was so big and luscious, the dude's - not him. I probably dreamt that because I had put my hand on this dude's boob in Japanese class to make him move away from the white board but he wouldn't haha. There was more to my dream but I can't recall it, it's all so fuzzy. Dropped into world geography since it's right next door to Japanese class since the door was locked and the teacher didn't even notice me trololol. Went to the auditorium and watched Ki Taiko - with a visit from Brandon. Pretty much just messed around with Conor and Brad and ran around molesting the girls yet everybody still loves me. Ahhh, I feel so accepted.
Damn, I seriously haven't posted anything new lately. Sorry! I've just been so lazy even to turn on my laptop, much less type anything up! Hardly interested in social media since nowadays I just turn on my phone, look on my news feed, like a few things, uploading a few images on Instagram, and log out I go! I don't bother sitting in front of a screen, staring at my news feed and scout for something "news worthy" to like or comment on. Been cuddling and watching a few shows on TV with the kids instead and napping. Helped set up a surprise party for Megs and she was pretty surprised alright! So happy except the fact that I couldn't find the wallet I had specially ordered online for her present. It's like wtf. I had it the day of her birthday too and I had grabbed it on the way out when Michelle came to pick me up. Ugh, it made me so frustrated. I even called PC to see if I had left it there since we had gone to get snacks and ice cream for the party. When we got Megs, I pretended I had forgotten something at Leslie's and when I tried to get her to come with me to get it she wouldn't budged so Michelle and I had to force her but she still didn't suspected anything haha. The party was not what I expected at all. There was twerking and all these weird ass music. Don't get my wrong but I'm not about those things, especially with people I don't even know. I was also offered a drink - alcohol from a sock and I couldn't even see the label of the drink either. Mmm, sketchy. Ended up not drinking it since the others had chugged it all. Not disappointed, glad that Megs and Michelle followed me into the room - shows that they care and watching out for me! It was pretty scary driving home though since we could hardly see shit and there was black ice as well. Had Andi's belated birthday party the other day since everyone was working earlier the week. Bought her a cake, had a small party for her friends to come over, and they pretty much just ran a muck. Ugh, finally started having stomach cramps and damn was I wrong when I thought stomach cramps hurt less than back cramps. They're both horrid. On Sunday I laid with an ice pack to my stomach for hours and eventually passed out to find Andi rubbing my tummy constantly to ease the pain. What a sweetie! Same thing happened today when I was at school. The cramps came up and I pretty much sat there, rubbing my tummy trying to suck it up only having to resort to the nurse. They wouldn't allow me to call myself out even though I'm of age nor would they give me any pain relievers since Ami and mama are out of Asia - therefore no permission. Wth. So I just laid there with an ice pack and rubbed my tummy the rest of 5th period. Teacher aide in my sixth hour - made glazes today with the other teacher's aid and he is a real cutie. We were in AP ENG last year with Smith so we're not completely awkward but we're of the total opposite group but meh. Whatevs - I ain't interested. He's only eye candy! Got two hours off the beginning of the day so I only have to come in at 9:45AM. Switched my first to third period and omg, the people in that class are so dumb. There's not a single smart person. Back in my first period - we had at least 4 good smart people including me and the rest were slackers and dummies. But damn. There's seriously none in my third. Makes me miss Adam because now I don't have anyone to bother and talk about knitting with. Damn. The feels. Mama wants me to go back to VN this summer with Co Ha to get my eyes done and I'm like no. Summer time is my money making time plus I have no money. She proceeds to ask about all the money I have from working. Uh, first off I don't make that much money, two I love to eat and have a shopping problem, three I've had to pay phone and insurance bills, and four I was saving that for my basic college credits and CNA/RN classes since nobody's paying for mine or save enough for a new car in case mine dies. Yeah, first off not a whole lot of money and too many things I could use the money on that would be better. Plus, I'm a chicken since I won't be able to use my eyes efficiently for practically half a year to a whole year.
Anyways, the other night I had a dream that I was in Canada - in Kathy Huynh's house. There was a wardrobe and on it was a mirror that let you peer inside. I think the wardrobe resembled a heart because if you stand at a certain point you will see an image. First there was the face of an Asian boy with black hair, then it was another guy. I was more interested in this guy but the Asian guy kept shoving him out of my POV. Then somehow he was next to me and I wanted to hold his hand? Wth..I must've ate something weird.
Been doing some thinking and pondering. I think I may finally be over him. Now when he comes to mind it's pretty much whatever. I don't hate him, I don't like him. I just don't want to deal with him. I don't want to know how his life is going or how he feels. His sister and mom are a different story. I'm happy when I see Hailey growing up and becoming such a beautiful, social girl. Hearing from Mrs. K - best thing ever. She's a wondrous and jovial person to be around. Now now, I do enjoy recalling some memories and lessons he's taught me through out the years. But there are somethings that I question. Did I fall in love with the real him or a figment of who he presented himself since he wanted my affection so badly? Did I love a fictional person or was I in love with his love for me? The things he did for me, the attention, the affection - those were all the things I fell in love with but if those are the only things I fell in love with then why did his scent leave such an impact upon me? His crooked smile, the way his broad shoulders held me, his heart beat, the way he held a pencil - why is that all imprinted in my mind? Surely I fell in love with a person as well and not just his efforts? He appears so different now, is that he became or is that the real him all along - just underneath a mask? Merp, I guess I'll never know.
Kept getting woken up at odd times such as 5AM and 7AM even though I was suppose to be up around 8AM. It's like wth, why I no sleep?! Had half an hour left over but didn't want to use it to make pho for breakfast. Started up the car early and scraped my windows like a normal person. It was pretty difficult driving because of the snow. Scared that I would have to call Tim and be like "Eruh, I can't get out of my drive way. So I'm either stuck or I could use a ride heh." But omg, on a 45 street I was going 35 because the roads weren't even cleared! So I just drove according to what the previous cars drove even though I was so far from the lane.
My fingers get numb at the thought of you, or maybe it's the frost bite doing its wonders. I hate when I realize that my feelings are growing. I absolutely hate it. I mean yeah, it happens from time to time but I tend to keep a check on it. If my heart starts straying away from me, I usually snatch it back and put it in the dog house for some time then let it out for some sunshine once it learns "no" but I think its strayed a bit farther than usual now because I'm starting to get those chest pangs and loopy thoughts. I hate getting these feelings in my chest, I hate obsessing over little worries, and I hate the possibility of getting hurt again. I fear and hate it so much that I cry over the possibility of liking someone that much. I don't want that. I want to be in control of my emotions, of my position. I don't want to blubber over someone ever again, it's so dumb and I resent it. I hate being vulnerable, I absolutely hate it. It was so much easier before. I'd just flip my hair, dust off my shoulder, and throw a "see ya" and walk out on them like nothing. Now, it drives me crazy. Wth is going on. Ugh, maybe all this thinking and crying shmuck is due to Aunt Flo being late. I think I need to distance myself to reclaim myself and retrain my heart. Stupid thing.
I totally agree with this post because I've been in her shoes before. After being with someone for so long and thinking that they're the one, you lose yourself in the idea that happiness equals them. Being walked out on, you're crushed. You're lost, you don't know how to react and be yourself anymore so you act out in hopes of catching their attention. You scour for what you can from that person, in hopes they won't forget you, that they won't forget your guy's past. It's a stupid and hopeless matter. Time doesn't heal all wounds but it eases the pain. That's what she needs, is friends and family to support her, and to find herself again. Only then can she truly love herself and rise from the ashes.
