Ditched.

It sucks but you know what, it sucks more for you than me. I can go out with other friends, it's chill. I just can't stand people that ignore plans. Ignore what we had, I'll ignore you. That's the way it rolls. Could've just said you had other plans or wanted to hang with someone else, I would've understood. Don't take it as the wrong way because I don't see you in that way nor do I want to use you for attention. I don't like sitting, waiting in vain keeping up my part only to be ditched at the end. That's it, I'm going shopping with Monnie this Saturday and DDRing. Forget you people. I'mma cutie, I'll hit up whoever I want. 

11292012

I FINALLY GOT MY NEW TOY WITHIN' 3 DAYS OF SHIPPING. SUHWEEETUH. I'm so happy. Trying to figure out my new toy and how it works. Impatient for my HK cases to arrive, a bit curious as well  since my phone was the last to be shipped yet first to arrive while the cases are yet to show up! Scared to drop or scratch my new baby teehee. I'm still a bit ill from the stomach flu but I was able to return to school and work. I was really tired and worn out today, almost passed out during math class. Work was so-so, got nice tips though!

I dunno why but it seems like we're growing apart compared to the past few days. Are we? Appears as though I'm being cut short or maybe I'm just sensitive and paranoid. It's whatever, I'll occupy myself. I'm still here, but if you won't let me follow what can I do? Gonna stay upbeat!

I wanna

Understand what goes on in your mind and heart.

Do you miss me? Does your heart flutter when I cross your mind? Are you sadden when the thought of losing me comes up? Or is it all whatever to you?
I miss you. I want to fall asleep in your arms. I want many things. In the end, all I want is your love. I'm not allowed to desire any of these things though, am I?
As I look through our memories, I can see clearly the love in your eyes but as the pages flip I can see it started to fade. I wonder how I didn't see it or why I hadn't take action.

11272012

I woke up and got ready for school then I realized I couldn't go because my symptoms kept getting worse so I called in sick along with work. Head back to bed at 8am and slept until 1:15pm. Ate rice porridge and went to my check-up. Apparently I have a stomach bug, not sure if I should go to school tomorrow. Don't wanna miss too much school and I'm too scared of Ms. to miss her class. Went shopping at Wal-Mart and spent $100 on miscellaneous things, not sure how it wracked up so high. My phone has finally been shipped! Took them forever just to prep everything, wonder how long it'll take to arrive? Anyways, I hope things will become what it once was between us. 

  

11262012

After waking up from my nap.

I went to bed around 2am and woke up around 6am this morning to finish my English essay. Got a headache around 6:45am and had it for the rest of the day. Passed out a couple of times in Genetics today. Had a tight knot in my stomach the whole day but it got worse after lunch. I was scared I might throw up during class that I always had my hand over my mouth just in case, and was always ready to grab a trash can and run out. Drove to FRYs in a hurry to make my last and final payment, woot! Such a relief now. Came home, showered and headed straight to bed. Slept from 4:50 - 5:52 so about an hour worth of sleep and just chilled and watched kdramas. Really don't wanna work tomorrow, maybe I can get someone to cover? Psh, highly doubt it. I dunno why but it's been an emotional rollercoaster, up I go and down in a split second. Funny eh?

Are these your thoughts?

I don't love her. I don't want to love her. I don't want to live in this routine of love. What's the past is the past. Being with her is a routine that just pulls me down. I see her efforts but it's in vain and too late. She should've realized my worth. She should've loved me when she had the chance, shouldn't have pushed me down, shouldn't have become this. I'm sick of being mistreated. I'm sick of having her looking over my shoulder, controlling me. I can't go anywhere or do anything without her overreacting, without her being lonely, without her crying. I want to go out with friends, I want to dance, I want to find myself without restrictions. I want to bury anything that might still be left. I want to move on and start a new but she keeps pulling at me. Why can't she see that it's pointless? Why bother? I can't be the boy from the past, the one she fell in love with.

11252012

Procrastinated the whole day, went to his house for an hour. Didn't talk much really, I was a bit down. I don't know why that angered him? Still got shit load of homework, ah boo. Someone please do it for me. Accidentally texted someone else that was meant for him, shit. Things got awkward haha.

lolol.

Apple of your eye or food?

I don't understand you. All the things you do and say, I cannot fathom. Do you seek news because you care or because you're simply curious? The affection bestowed upon me occasionally, are they upon impulse from your heart or from your raging levels of testosterone? I cannot trust the words from your lips, whether because I don't want to believe them or because they might not be true.

Woke up hella late for no reason. Watched "Arang and the Magistrate" instead of doing the pile of homework I have or my laundry. Got lectured for not cleaning up my desk. Went to work and got paid for two hours. Got off at 7pm but stayed until 9 just to gossip and talk to Kim and Kay. Kay's a sweetheart, always getting on my ass to do homework. Love her to pieces! I'm gonna be so sad if she leaves to Arkansas or gets her own store. I mean, I'll be happy for her but I'll miss her. She's legit, and my favorite manager. Was contemplating whether or not to come over tonight, wondered if it would be a waste or not and if anything good would come out of it. I was surprised to arrive and not see anyone else at home. Was somewhat upset and concerned that he got drunk last night because he never would drink in the past, especially with me. Oh well, "changing with time". I am curious as to how he saw my status, wondered if that irritated him? Because I didn't mean it offensive in any way. I was just upset that I drove all that way to be turned away. He was really touchy feely today. Not sure why. I was a bit disappointed that I had to wait to cuddle, and I didn't even get to in the end. Sucks balls. I was looking forward to it.

What I've learned.

What to do, how to act, but I don't know why.

I will be more affectionate whether it be in private or public, but at the same time cautious and oblivious. I will not set so many expectations of our future together. I will not sit by the phone waiting for his attention. I will set time for myself and others around me, rather than pin-point it all to him.When I am upset by his actions, I will let it be known. 

I will be petty, I will not hang on for so long. 

This is exactly how I felt. Lonely and broken whenever I was without him. Women are sensitive and need their dosage of love.

Mom.

Just being a single mom is hard enough but being a single teen mom is the hardest thing a woman can go through. It's the peak of your life yet you get showered with responsibilities and duties. There's the possibility of your lover abandoning you, avoiding and resenting you. The lonely times of working to support yourself, raising a child, and trying to mend a broken relationship. Do you tell your lover? If you do, how will it affect the situation? Or should you just keep quiet and get an abortion without him knowing? If you do keep it, the morning sickness, the cravings, the contractions - you experience it all but will anybody be by your side to soothe you? Should you let him know about the child? Would he even care or take responsibility? The possibilities are endless, but there's one only decision.You find out who your real friends are, the ones who stay by your side and the fakes who walk out with prejudice by their side. You're faced with a vulnerable creature, and the pains of motherhood but also with the joys of it.

You may not keep the child, but you have the decision whether to abort, give it up for adoption, or keep it.

I salute teen mothers, not 16&pregnant.

Another lesson learned.

I'm stupid. Wore shorts and didn't bring a coat since I was in a hurry to work. Forgot my hat in Ami's car from the night before. Work was slow as hell but I made okay-ish tips, turned into a winter cleaning day at work rather than carhoping. Got asked to close tonight, was debating whether or not. Drove to his house shivering. Called a few times but nobody picked up so I went to the door and rung it. His dad was home, but nobody else. Stuck around for a while and his dad had to call him, couldn't hear anything over the music blasting in the background. I thought we were gonna hang out tonight but apparently it was suppose to be in the morning. I'm happy he was having fun, guess I should've known better huh? It's whatever. Drove home in the cold singing to Maroon 5. It was a nice drive home I guess. Ughh, so impatient for it to arrive! Everything else is already shipped except the main item, the phone! Hurry up and ship it already people, I don't want to see "shipping soon" any longer! Still got a shit load of homework, instead I'm knitting haha. What a silly goose, but it's whatevs. Trying to occupy my mind, I keep messing up on something though! I don't know what, and it's making me frustrated.

 After work, no make-up as usual and still in my work clothes.

I could be a Victoria Secret model with that facial expression, lolol.

Babies

I swear I'm going crazy. Instead of doing my homework I'm lookin' at babies. I want one now.

 ; __ ;

11232012

Woke up feelin' pretty worn out even though I got like 9 hours haha. I felt that sickishly worn out feeling I often got when I woke up on airplanes, hmmm. Weird. Anyways, I know for sure I gained weight, but tis okay! I will regain my abs back! Excited to try out my tripod and camera-whore, woot! Got so much shit to do though, laundry, homework, and work. Wonder if I'll have time to play today, boo.

After feastin' out ma. Yes. Mirror needs to be cleaned, stfu.

Black Friday

Arrived at OP Mall around 11pm, it was freezing. Had to wait in line outside for about 25 minutes before they would open the doors. Kinda wish I was there with him so I could snuggle so eh it's whatevs. Looked forward to spending time together but really couldn't because it was black friday and well things get a bit crazy. Sephora didn't open at all so it was a bummer. All the clothing sales sucked so I didn't buy anything. Mom called asking wtf we were doing, where we were, ect. Lecture in general. Wanted to see him one more time before I left but his phone was dead and his cousin sounded annoyed or irritated so I was like you know what forget it cause he probably doesn't even wanna see me. So I left feelin' pretty blue. 

Bought myself a tripod, another mp3, along with a 16 gb memory card for my camera as back-up. Originally wanted to get it along with another digital camera for him. The wii-u seemed pretty nice too but it's damn expensive. It's like freakin' $300 at game-stop.

My friend&sister.

I'm glad to have a sister like her. Although she may be grumpy and have her tantrums at times and we have our differences in morals and taste of men but we're still sisters in the end.We had a love-hate relationship until the middle of my freshman year, that's when we were able to see eye to eye and get along. We tell each other about our anger, frustration,  and secret joys. Thank you for being there! 

11222012

Happy Thanksgiving day! Woke up feeling a bit empty but it's okay, life goes on! Had turkey, mash potatoes, lasagna, mountain dew, and of course cheesecake! Took around 3 hours for everything. I'm so full now, probably gained around 10LB. Feeling a bit guilty, because I indulged so much. I want to work out and get my body to this! I'll try to work it off tonight when I work. Hoping to get off around 10 minutes early so I can head to Wal-Mart to get my tripod! Wonder if work will be busy today? I hope he's having a nice thanksgiving with family and friends, getting fat on delicious food. Gah, so excited for my new phone to come in! I hope it comes in early instead of a whole month. Will be doing a review on it when I receive it!

I was looking at my old posts and I stumbled upon this and this, oh man. Reminiscing. I guess my next trip will be a bit lonely than I expected, it's okay though. There was so much expectations, oh well. I guess I learned a lesson from this, don't get too worked up hehe.

This is the phone I bought, I really wanted to get the black as well and make it into a couple thing but well, yeah.

This little girl is adorable. I want a baby now. <3

11212012

"Did you wish for me to forget you?" Oh, the irony in that question.

Babysat all day since Alexander was sick. One of my friend came over and we watched "The Moon Embracing the Sun" for two whole hours. The kids kept being touchy and feely towards him, bleh. So awkward. Wasn't too happy with the ending, but oh well. It's whatever! Met my dad and he was shitting his pants haha, my dad wasn't even acting weird! He was just like okay whatever, hi. Drove him to work because I'm nice like that. On my way home, I was wondering if I should drop by his house and surprise him but then I stopped. That's a stupid move, he's probably not even home so I went to sonic and ordered some food. They slipped a note in the baggie saying that they're hiring and how to apply. Damn, they've gotta be pretty desperate! Looked through ads today and saw some pretty nice black friday deals! I want to buy him a gift but wouldn't it be a waste since he already has his phone? Blah. Spent $200 tonight on a new phone, but it'll arrive in the middle of January since it's imported from HK. Damn. Cleaned my debit card out with just the new phone, gonna go shoppin' on black friday for electronics. Not sure where the deals are for clothes. Realized how sexy&cute some of my bras are when I was getting dressed lolol, tmi. I had another nightmare last night. It was as though he loved me again, odd eh? Woke up wondering why I had to go through another nightmare. Drama happened at home today, got lectured about not falling in love again which is dumb because I'm already suffering from love, I just wanna forget it all and push it away. I don't wanna get back in the game anytime soon haha. My nice-smelling lab partner was the first to like my new profile picture! Wahhhh. Haha, it's whatever. Been getting a lot of guys asking for my number, kinda fed up. If you're gonna ask for it, at least talk to me. Had a guy from Canada asking where I got my lashes. I hope that's not a new method to pick up girls. Workin' tomorrow, gonna go shopping at Wal-Mart for their tripod! Maybe Ipod if there's any nice ones. I'm thinking about visiting him, but would that be okay? He'll probably be busy or out so I won't bother him. I will just go shopping and be happy! Because that's what I'm suppose to do, be happy. Still got a shit load of homework! Better get started on it tomorrow haha. Anyways, gnight world. Hopefully you won't give me a bad dream tonight. <3

Silly me with side-burns.

Ohmuhgawd, I didn't think my lips could possibly ever be that small. Wonder how kissing like that would turn out haha.

Stupid.

I hate this feeling inside my chest. I hate this emotion that makes my whole body wash over with sadness and resentment. The same one I experienced last Saturday morning when I was ignored, when his attention was paid to someone else. It's stupid. I can't do anything about it, nor should I feel compelled to. I've decided, I will be beautiful even if eyes do not fall upon me because I am beautiful. I don't have to hide myself in grime and misery, nobody wants to protect the gem either way so why hide it? Sometimes I wonder if I stand in the pouring rain, would the pain be washed away? Will these ill feelings and painful memories be erased with the cleansing rain? If I fell asleep beneath the crying skies, will I rise as a new being or will I just catch pneumonia and fade?

Ironic how a stranger can walk into your life, walk all over you, and walk out. There should be a law fining people as murder or as a trespasser! Or if we were allowed to lock our doors so people can't walk into our lives, roam around and change things, then walk out. It would make life so much easier, wouldn't you agree? You don't have to worry about others arrivals and departures, wouldn't have to worry about the pain of someone's absence.

Years ago, I was filled with love, compassion, and kindness. As a child, I was happy and wanted others to be as well. Now, I'm a realist. I see things logically, at how things might affect myself so I avoid it all and run away. As a child, even when I got pushed away and rejected. I would cry but I would still stay by their side, wanting only what was good for them even if it ached me. The devotion I once held, the perseverance, the faith, where has it all gone? How did I become such a cold person within such a short amount of time. Society is scary. It transforms a bright, joyful individual into a cynical, dark spirit. I want to become that foolish child again. One of goodness and purity, one of great faith in humanity, one capable of true happiness and love.

11192012

Do you read these entries because you care? Care about how I'm doing, what I'm thinking, how I feel? Or is it merely for entertainment because you're bored and curious as to whether I'm spiting you. I thought things were getting better and I started gaining hope. What a stupid girl. I can't change anything, my words and tears fall upon a heart that's not even there. My lips touch stone, my hands hold ice. You're keeping your distance, because you hate me. In a way, you do hate me. You resent me to a point that you're able to hurt me without concerns. You're able to occupy yourself to the point of forgetting. I understand your intentions, your thoughts, your actions. I respect it all but I will remain by your side. You may ignore, cut me off, act cold to your desire. I will remain by your side. Until one day this heart becomes callous to the point that it can't feel anymore. Until one day my time besides you runs dry. When that day comes we will both be free. Until that one day, I will remain by your side.

What were you thinking when you hugged me outside of Wal-Mart? In your room? Was it on impulse from your heart? Or pity from your mind? When we held hands in the movie theatre, were you happy? When I kissed you, did your heart melt? Did it mean nothing to you? Because it meant something to me.

Running on 3 hours of sleep as usual, it just sucks that I've been working 5 days straight so far and I haven't had enough sleep this whole weekend. I'll be working this whole weekend without a day off. Will it be lonely? I'm not sure yet. I'm gonna try and go shopping on black Friday if possible, but I work that day as well. I want to look pretty this weekend but will anyone look at me? Haha, funny shit. Things got messed up at work today, bleh. Seems like everything has been going wrong at work lately. Got a free bacon cheeseburger, cake, grilled cheese, and holiday shake today. Damn, it was like I hit the jackpot!

11182012

Had a nightmare last night. I was lost and deserted somewhere along a beach. He had abandoned me and went after Amanda. I was utterly shocked and broken. Funny shit. You know that feeling in your heart when you bawl and scream as loud as you can while your heart aches? I was doing that while banging my head. I'm a fool. I'm not suppose to turn back, I need to keep going, not fall down in misery. Woke up, scolding myself and ended up being late for work!

I think I prefer night shifts now. Yes, you have to work your schedule around it but there's more freedom afterwards if it's not too late and it's less stressful. I've been hitting a lot of mystery shoppers lately and keep messing up because I don't do smile tray. Ugh, sucks ass. I never got mystery shoppers before so why now? Bleck. Running out of money, can't wait for Tuesday to get my paycheck! Hope it's really big because I need the money for bills and just in general. Broke as fuck because I've been giving money to parents. Working everyday except Wednesday next week, but I'm practically working since I have to babysit the siblings and "tutor" them. Gawd. No time for homework. Kay called me a workaholic today cause I'm always working haha. I guess I am becoming one eh? Just don't wanna stay home yet I'm broke as fuck. Pissy and a bit hurt but time will heal it all hmm?

11152012

I don't understand you at times. Why you gotta get so worked up? Unless, you still love me? Maybe it's just my wishful thinking.

Had a pretty nice day. Math wasn't too bad. History was well, history. Finished the Hunger Games in sewing class today! Wasn't very productive. Don't have too much homework tonight either. Ah, things are getting so much better all of a sudden! Or maybe because it's almost Thanksgiving hehe? Anyways, goin' to the movies this weekend and shopping with Danni! Damn, I'm spending so much money lately. I'm gonna become broke! So sad lol. Katherine started hinting nasty things toward a guy friend and I during lunch. Awkward! Had to wait 10 minutes for the lunch line, on stuffing. That stuff isn't even good! Only got 5 minutes to eat, damn. Had to scarf down my pumpkin pie haha. It didn't taste as good as the previous years though, sad face. Wonder why?

Video Review 01

The way the girl was throwing herself to the ground, crying, made me see myself because that's what I did. Funny shit now that I look back because he didn't care nor did any one else. Only difference was I didn't go and get drunk! I could've, but I didn't. I wonder, if I did, would there have been a cute guy to offer me a shoulder and a napkin to wipe my tears? If a guy came into my life, and Corey wanted to come back. What would I do? I'm not sure yet. Hurting a guy that invest so much into me or go back to the guy I invested so much into? Life's odd like that, but I don't think I'd be faced with that predicament because he's already got someone else upon his mind, there's no room for me or his deceased child within' his heart or mind.

Skip to 1:35

11142012

It's a new day. There's so many people around me yet I shut them off for him. How silly, no need to mope and cry! There's Damion, who always ruffles my head, before the start of class everyday. Conor, Issac, and Joanna who visit me at work, Phoenix, Brandon who's chill and pinched my cheeks today haha. There's William, a bad ass oppa. Michael, the lao gia that knows of my dark times and the pain behind my optimistic side, Tony who's becoming a friend, Dion my math tutor at lunch. And many more. He's not the only guy friend I had. He was just the best and closest. But now it's someone else's turn! Time to make new friends or become closer.

My family is saying that I've become ugly since freshman year, partly because I'm a "bag of skin and bones" nowadays but I don't think so! I'm just mature and lost my innocent appearance which isn't surprising considering everything I've gone through. I've lost my "baby fat" and eat less now. Everybody grows up and I've gotten lazy with my appearance! Haven't been that obsessed with my hair or clothes. I'm getting closer to having a SNSD body, specifically Seohyun's. Woot! This week has overall been pretty relaxing with its requirements. Work is starting to bore me, gonna start going out on the weekends now! Been having boys holla at me left and right but I don't pay attention because I know the effects of giving them my attention. They can fight each other over me, I won't care. Just gonna have fun and mess around! Live life and stay unattached. My face started bleeding outta nowhere today, not sure why. Eh, oh well. Had a really good smelling partner for the lab! Mmmm, never realized how good he smelled. It wasn't an axe smell, more of a manly clean laundry smell. Mmm, it was awesome sitting next to him! No, it wasn't his smell. It was different. I've been craving baby bananas like crazy! Ate a total of 14 today and snacking on other things. I've noticed, all I intake nowadays is pink lemonade and either pieces of candy like kitkats or a baby banana and I stay full for hours! Odd eh?

Middle of freshman year.

Beginning of Jr Year.

Today is another day.

Dear self,

You are alone, and destined to be alone. Don't let others' words sway you ever again. Do not fall for their tricks. The past year and six months you spent with him, bury it. Think of it as a beautiful dream. Take it as though the father of your child and child have died. The person you see now is only a look-alike. He did not come when you asked him to, confused whether to confess or not. He did not comfort you when you were going through morning sickness. He repeatedly pushed you away and ignored your pleas, even on your birthday. He did not lend a shoulder emotionally, physically, or financially. You still worked, went to school, lived with a heavy heart and a growing fetus. The love once shared has long gone decayed and died. He does not love you. Do not hang on and forget. He once was a stranger, and he shall be come one once again.

You gave up your child for him, for your future. Make it worthy, else you'll never be able to face baby later on. Treasure those 47 days you unknowingly spent with baby. Be successful, be happy, be thankful that you were given an opportunity to care for a beautiful creature. Keep baby in your heart, when you are crying or having a hard time, think of baby.

Zoomed in.

My first time knowing about you.

The first and last time I got to see my child.

I couldn't hold back the tears.

I thought we would always last, that we'd persevere.

My reflection.

I was selfish. I got jealous and clingy often, wanting to be the only apple of his eye. He's my man and mine only. He was. I picked fights and let pride get in the way. I entered a relationship not fully confident, with only pieces of my heart rather than a whole. I wasn't affectionate in public because I didn't want to cause issues that would matters difficult. I've came to realize my mistakes though and I'm willing to fix them. I came to love him with every somatic cell of my heart. I yearn for him day and night, wanting to always be by his side that I began to suffocate him. His image is always in my mind and dreams. I'm willing to be everything I was before: relaxed, publicly affectionate, and understanding. I want to be his everything again. I want to wake up to his face every day, I want to come home to his arms, I want his lips against mine, I want to walk hand in hand with him. I want another chance for our future.

I want to be his wife, and him to be my husband in this life and the next. I want to start a family with him, and grow old together.

I want to be scared and have his arms around me, comforting.

Went shopping today and I saw a fairly young baby interacting with his mother. It made me wonder, would mine have been that happy? After a while, my chest started throbbing with pain. Not internally but externally. It kept pulsing with pain and I wonder why. I wasn't thinking of sadness, I was trying to live a normal life and push everything to the back of my mind but it kept throbbing that I started punching my chest hoping that it was just poor blood circulation. 

By losing him, I didn't only lose a lover. I lost my one and only best friend. The one I confide my fears and joys with. The one that I felt most comfortable around. The one I could share kisses with, the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I lost the future I desired so bad. I lost him, my world and heart.

11112012

Even after everything that happens I still dream of hanging on. I dreamt that I was hanging on, still loving him, glaring at other girls who dared to look at him. Woke up, reflecting on my stupid decisions. Why did I do that? He doesn't care and he's not mine anymore.

You're a fool. Wake up and accept reality. He doesn't want you anymore. He's already forgotten.

Splurged at the mall today. Bought everything I wanted without hesitation. Danced my worries away on DDR for an hour without rest. It relieved my stress so much and I got into it.

Hope for the best, expect the worst.

I kept hanging onto hope, got battered and bruised in the process. As I scream and break down, he turns and walks the other way without looking back. If I could, I would erase our time together so I wouldn't be in this broken state. I was willing to change, willing to compromise but no. He's had enough and is kicking my ass to the curb. The once proud and independent girl is now shattered and groveling at the path he once tread. I'm pathetic. I should've ended it before things got serious, before I started investing into us. I only stress him, I do no good. I've never brought him happiness. I'm just a parasite.

I'm angry, upset, and hurt. Drove the whole way to work screaming and crying. I wanted to just break down then and there. Came into work with a tear stained face. Kim from 151st asked if we were still together and it was difficult  not to break down. I hung on for a month, just hoping that if I gave it my all, he would realize and sympathize. But he doesn't love me anymore. It's all dead and gone. Where has the love slipped to? Was I blind not to notice before? He sees me as a "bro", yet he doesn't even confide or communicate with me. There's no hope for us, even in the future. He's shattered everything I believed in. In the past I might've used others to forget it all but with him, I just keep thinking of him and how my whole world is in ruins and I'm left with a wound from the one I trusted the most. I'm angered. I gave him a chance to prove himself yet he won't allow me a chance to redeem myself. I've realized my mistakes yet I'm not allowed the chance to fix them. Angered that I'm in this dilemma. Angered at how he could just walk into my life and become a part of it then walk out as he pleases. Left without a word 

There's nothing else to do but pick myself up and walk away with the knife he left in my heart. Even if I don't know where I'm headed in this abyss I can't just sit in these ruins, crying, waiting for him to come back and extend his hand out to me because he won't ever come. I gave it my all and he rejected it all. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Anh ay khong con yeu minh nua. Sao con doi cho, mong nho, va yeu? Minh ngu ngoc, khong biet luc nao buong tay. Em cu yeu anh, cu mong la mot ngay anh se hieu tinh yeu em chao cho anh. Anh muon quen em, quen tinh yeu hai chung minh da chao cho nhau, quen thoi gian hai chung minh da quen nhau.

11082012

I've realized, it's been a month now since we've been apart. It pains me. I'm yearning for your love so much that I'm falling apart. Have you been well? How has life been treating? Have you already moved on, leaving my heart and me behind? Mine is still faithfully by your side, day and night. Did I ever cross your mind? Because you're always in mine, whether it be subconsciously or consciously. Are you okay? Something seemed out of the ordinary today, as though you were troubled. I'm here, so lean on me just as you were for me. Last night, I was flipping through the notebook you gave me for our one anniversary. I was filled with happiness throughout the whole time until I came to a blank page, which made my heart sink. You told me to finish the journal, to write about my own story, so I will. I hope you will read it. Should I call you tonight? I want show you I care but I don't want to suffocate you. Will you be irritated?

Just got off of work, failed the factoring quizzes today in math. Fuck that shit. Have two essay revisions due tomorrow in English. This is just stupid. I'm dying in work and emptiness! Got reminded by Kay today, I must do my homework and get a good education. Which surprises me because we were never close in the beginning because I was timid around her but I'm glad we've gotten comfortable. My dress is starting to get really difficult in textiles, have to resize everything because it's too big and I'm tiny! Really wanted to work on my bowls today but I had too much things to finish during seminar, every even really finished ahaha. I really need to get my life back on track though.

11072012

Are you truly determined to forget and walk away? Have my motives only irritate and aggravate instead of stirring up some kind of affection inside your heart?  Am I being a dedicated lover, unwilling to give up on someone she believes in or am I a pig head who won’t accept reality? Do you even still love me or is it my wishful thinking?

English is drowning me in assignments. Got a monologue to memorize, hopefully I’ll be able to pick out one I can understand and relate to so I can evoke the language of the passage well and get an A! Assigned two essay revisions due by Friday, and to top it off there’s still daily homework every night on grammar and AP thinking. Not understanding a thing going on in math since I’ve missed so many days and I’ve just given up, too lazy to bother with it. I’m actually ahead in History, gotta study my review for the exam tomorrow! So much homework assignments and tests to make up still in Japanese, my god I am just falling behind and not giving a shit. Damn. Dunno why but I got nauseous a lot today. A lot of smells made me wanna throw up, maybe I've got a bug? Been productive in ceramics though. Haven't been on the wheel in over 2 weeks. Couldn't center yesterday, even with help from the teacher yet today I threw three beautiful bowls! Not sure how to design them yet. I'm thinking of creating something special for him, a model of the lotus he made for me. Would he accept it or think it's pitiful and throw it in the back of his closet?

Dreams and Reality.

A majority of people know the story of the little mermaid, Ariel. For those who don't know her, I will give a short snippet. She is a beautiful young lady blessed with an angelic voice and a high status. She defies her father and continues to plunge herself deeper into the world of humans to find out more about this wonderful specie. Falling in love with a human prince based on an interaction she's willing to give up everything, from the flesh and limbs her parents gave her to the prized possession that represented her. She knew nothing of Eric, whether he secretly was bipolar, abusive, or a homosexual but she still gambled on him. Was she naive or an active dreamer? If it did not result in a happy ending, would she have gone down in history as a naive, senseless mermaid instead of passionate, confident mermaid? If Ariel's story ended with her losing to Ursula, wouldn't she just be a pitiful mermaid that betrayed her species and ended up with nothing? Or if Prince Eric was a drunkard who slept around with no intent of marriage? 

In short, if Ariel and Eric did not end up together, would Ariel be seen in a different perspective?

You wouldn't answer a simple question, you told me not to ask why or assume anything. Why did you get worked up over a short question? I forced myself to shut my mouth to stay quiet because I knew nothing I say would appease you. I pushed you away because I had been hurt too many times. Many people have come and gone in my life, some because of stupid reasons others for none whatsoever. I pushed people away because that I got sick and tired of it. I decided to leave before I get hurt. I've realized I've made a mistake though and I'm willing to serve my penance. I pushed the guy I love too far that he decided to walk away. I don't want to lose him. I can't lose him. 

During work, my manager made me realize, I need to get back on track with my education. Yes, making dough is nice but after a while the constant routine of serving customers and the low wage will drive me crazy. I've become a workaholic, not because I enjoy the work I preform. I became addicted because it kept my mind focused on other things besides him. The long hours of running and performing repetitive tasks dulled out the pain my heart was undergoing. It also made me lose focus of my education. I must focus on education. I can not slack because I will win him back. Nobody wants a miserable, ugly girl with no motivation. I will become beautiful and dashing. I will make you mine once again. I've gone through so much to be here, I will not lose my chance for success. Gonna dig into my pile of assignments and studying, hwaiting! I will succeed. 

Dear boy, please stop messaging me to call you. If you are going to text me, please talk about something interesting and new, not that you're bored and want me to call you over and over again. I'm not a booty call nor am I interested. No, I will not send you a photo through text. If you want a photo to use as a contact, snap a photo off Facebook but you stated "No, I don't want to do that." Sounds a bit creepy. You're starting to scare me. 

11052012

Been a happy go camper today. Didn't finish my time write - pho that sheet, didn't throw anything in ceramics today, bullshitted everything in history, math, and Japanese. Haven't done any of my homework or make-up assignments. Damn I'm falling behind in everything. I don't know why, it's as if I've loss all my motivation for school. Popped by Hobby Lobby and spent $50 on fabric today.

I felt things were going well. I guess I got my hopes up too soon huh? I'm determined to strive and win but each time he nudges me away, I get thrown to the floor and it's hard to get back up. I'm trying. I fall and get scraped , it may take some time, nevertheless I get up. I brush myself off and put on a smile, even if it's a wavering one.

11042012

I've realized I've become a workaholic. I love working. School is a drag, even Japanese class. Maybe it's because my mind always lingers to sad thoughts in class but when I'm working I'm always on my toes, pumped and always moving so I don't have time to be sad or be doubtful. Yes, angry customers are always a pain in the ass but I've learned to dealt with them. Being at home is a pain because I get bored easily and there's always little bits of chores to do here and there. I'm pushing 30 hours again this week, got offered an additional six hours on Monday but I declined because I have to make-up tests after school and I thought I would've had to babysit my siblings. Who knew I didn't have to babysit? I regret not taking the offer now.
I've noticed my skin has started to flare up a bit though. I wonder why, I mean I feel better than I did two weeks ago. Maybe all the crying cleared my skin? I dunno but I look weird now. I've gained weight and my face has gotten plumper. I've been putting more effort in my looks, styling my hair, dressing up, and wearing make-up. It's definitely a self boost but it takes forever lah! Finally started on my laundry, had over two weeks of clothes that needed to be washed ahaha. Have to catch up in class nowadays that I'm back in the swing of class, missed so many days!
I've gained hope from one word of his. It may not be much but it's all I've got and I'm going to hold on to it. He doesn't know how much it meant to me. Just that made my spirit and day lift. I'm going to sweep him off his feet~

Stuck between the two pathways.

I met up with him today at the mall. I saw him talking with a couple of people so I went and hid myself, thinking, how stupid I was for thinking he would come alone. He probably felt it would be awkward so he brought friends. Whenever I see him approaching me, it's a different feeling from back then. I use to be all giggly and rush up to him but nowadays I always cautiously step forward, afraid that each step would be lead me to my downfall. A part of me just wants to walk up to him, hold him, and not let go. To reach out and hold his face in my hands, to look me straight in the eye, and kiss him like I've always imagined this month, hoping that a part of him inside would wake up and realize how much I love him and be touched. But his heart is cold, barred with an iron wall that can't be rusted no matter how many times my tears try to penetrate it.
When he saw someone he knew, I admit, I got a bit jealous but I hid it. I let them talk normally and walked away to look at something else. I tried to show my affection, fearful each time of getting rejected. Each time I touched him shoulder, I wondered if he would pull away, would his hand just hang there if I grabbed it and held it? I felt a stab in my heart each time I held his hand, because each time he would let go. Each time I hugged him, it was as if I was hugging a tree in the midst of winter. When I reached out to touch his hand while waiting for food, he jerked away and made a face. That action was a knife to my heart, I was trying to seek comfort. A little bit of affection, only to be rejected. Him thinking I was trying to take his phone just made me feel even worse. I stayed quiet because I didn't want to cause anything. Each meeting never ends the way I want it to end. I wanted to hug him but the air was tense and he was ready to leave so I got in my car, had a meltdown and cried while I drove to work. My assistant manager said she noticed something different about me and asked if I was alright. I was surprised, I thought I was pretty normal and touched at the fact that she noticed I wasn't okay. I didn't want to leave things sour so I told you I'm coming over and you said it didn't matter but you were a bit tired. Usually when I hear that I would say I won't come over to let you sleep and you usually get upset because I didn't do what I said I would but this time was different. I did everything I wouldn't have and said okay to you being sleepy. I'm still coming over. Half way there you call me saying that you're actually going to sleep now. I got sadden. If feels as though you dislike me, that you're avoiding me.

I don't know what to do. I'm holding on for dear life. Holding on to the point that my hand is being cut into as blood dribbles down my arm. I keep thinking, what if, what if I just hold out a bit longer and things will change. What if I had done more to make things work, just what if. If I put in just more effort, maybe I can finally be by his side again. At the same time, I'm hurting myself though. Each time he pushes me away I break down.

I know you don't want to be hurt anymore, neither do I but we can make it work. Just let me back into your arms, your life, your heart. Are you tired of me? Of our love? Are you wanting a change to spice up your life? Don't say you're doing this for me, so I won't get hurt anymore because I'm already bleeding. Deep inside your heart, do you not want me anymore? Deep inside your heart, do you not love me anymore? Deep inside, do you not want me to be a part of your life? Don't push me away if you secretly don't want me to. I'm stuck at a crossroad and I don't know which way to go.

11022012

Attended a four hour lecture at KState today. It was really interesting but the spokesperson went pretty fast so some parts of my notes are incomplete. After it ended, at 1 o'clock in the afternoon, the whole group swung by Chipotle for lunch. I was kind of disappointed because I hadn't eaten breakfast and I wasn't familiar with the menu but in the end I was satisfied with my bowl! It consisted of chicken, brown rice, black beans, tomato, corn, sour cream, guacamole, and lettuce. Arrived back at school around 2:35 but I didn't have my car since my dad had it to check it out so I spent the rest of my time watching whatever movie the Japanese class was watching. Afterwards went straight to work and traded shifts to close the store. First time closing. I dunno why but we haven't been doing well. Our late tickets are increasing, mystery shopper evaluation scores are dropping as well, and labor is rising as well. I was suppose to meet up with him but it was already so late and parents were waiting so I couldn't. Hopefully I will be able to tomorrow. Still have a lot of assignments and homework to make-up though. Hopefully I'll be able to cope and finish it all.
I had a dream last night, or was it a nightmare? Life was back to the way it always been, happy and loving. He hugged me from behind while grinning and I felt the happiest I've been in a while. But then he got up and said he had to go somewhere and promised he would come back, but never returned. I became surrounded by mean people and rats were scampering at my feet. I was screaming and jumping in fear but he never came. No one came. What does this mean?

Am I stupid?

I want to meet your gaze once more and see if you'll fall before me. Or have I lost all of you already? Do you think of me as much as I think of you? Or are you too busy happily surrounding yourself with friends, dancing, and video games to even remember me? If I try once more, would it be all in vain and would I be back at square one, trying to forget you again? Are my efforts a waste? Should I try once again, or must I admit defeat?

11012012

Worst line to hear: "If a man tells a girl who doesn't like him, like a pathetic fool, If he confesses everything, it means he never wants to see her again."

It hurts when you have to walk away to make him realize but it's worse when he doesn't and lets you walk away.


Learning to move on and enjoy life once again. Finally regained a bit of weight, work has become my sanctuary even if it's hectic at times but it keeps me occupied. Going all the way down to KState tomorrow for my genetic lecture then swinging by somewhere for lunch, hopefully it's place with soft food and not a place like Pizza Street. Getting my wire put back on Tuesday, Ami's also going up to Topeka with family. I dunno if I should call in and go as well because all she's doing is taking her exam for her license degree and Topeka is just Kansas so eh. I'll probably be scheduled to work that day too, so I guess I'll just stay back. I mean, it would relieve my mind and preoccupy it but I'll miss school which I have been missing way too much of this week. I've missed like 5 days these past two weeks and I have to get caught up since the quarter is probably coming to a close soon. If I stay back then I could work on assignments and work as well, earning money to save up for a new car since I'm almost done with my orthodontist payments or for a plane ticket to get away from it all and start a new life in a strange place.