Stuck between the two pathways.

I met up with him today at the mall. I saw him talking with a couple of people so I went and hid myself, thinking, how stupid I was for thinking he would come alone. He probably felt it would be awkward so he brought friends. Whenever I see him approaching me, it's a different feeling from back then. I use to be all giggly and rush up to him but nowadays I always cautiously step forward, afraid that each step would be lead me to my downfall. A part of me just wants to walk up to him, hold him, and not let go. To reach out and hold his face in my hands, to look me straight in the eye, and kiss him like I've always imagined this month, hoping that a part of him inside would wake up and realize how much I love him and be touched. But his heart is cold, barred with an iron wall that can't be rusted no matter how many times my tears try to penetrate it.
When he saw someone he knew, I admit, I got a bit jealous but I hid it. I let them talk normally and walked away to look at something else. I tried to show my affection, fearful each time of getting rejected. Each time I touched him shoulder, I wondered if he would pull away, would his hand just hang there if I grabbed it and held it? I felt a stab in my heart each time I held his hand, because each time he would let go. Each time I hugged him, it was as if I was hugging a tree in the midst of winter. When I reached out to touch his hand while waiting for food, he jerked away and made a face. That action was a knife to my heart, I was trying to seek comfort. A little bit of affection, only to be rejected. Him thinking I was trying to take his phone just made me feel even worse. I stayed quiet because I didn't want to cause anything. Each meeting never ends the way I want it to end. I wanted to hug him but the air was tense and he was ready to leave so I got in my car, had a meltdown and cried while I drove to work. My assistant manager said she noticed something different about me and asked if I was alright. I was surprised, I thought I was pretty normal and touched at the fact that she noticed I wasn't okay. I didn't want to leave things sour so I told you I'm coming over and you said it didn't matter but you were a bit tired. Usually when I hear that I would say I won't come over to let you sleep and you usually get upset because I didn't do what I said I would but this time was different. I did everything I wouldn't have and said okay to you being sleepy. I'm still coming over. Half way there you call me saying that you're actually going to sleep now. I got sadden. If feels as though you dislike me, that you're avoiding me.

I don't know what to do. I'm holding on for dear life. Holding on to the point that my hand is being cut into as blood dribbles down my arm. I keep thinking, what if, what if I just hold out a bit longer and things will change. What if I had done more to make things work, just what if. If I put in just more effort, maybe I can finally be by his side again. At the same time, I'm hurting myself though. Each time he pushes me away I break down.

I know you don't want to be hurt anymore, neither do I but we can make it work. Just let me back into your arms, your life, your heart. Are you tired of me? Of our love? Are you wanting a change to spice up your life? Don't say you're doing this for me, so I won't get hurt anymore because I'm already bleeding. Deep inside your heart, do you not want me anymore? Deep inside your heart, do you not love me anymore? Deep inside, do you not want me to be a part of your life? Don't push me away if you secretly don't want me to. I'm stuck at a crossroad and I don't know which way to go.