Chan rak?

Woke up around 6:55AM to drag myself out of bed. Had only two hours of sleep, fml. Filled up my gas on my way there to open the store and I ended up being there early too. I was pretty zombied out so I had to put some herbalife concentration into my tea to see if I'd wake up a bit later on. Got a miniature rush around 8:30AM~9AM with me being the only server. Nate and Meg came in after it was over and we just kind of chilled and prepped more bags. It was a pretty fun work atmosphere today but there was a lot of people on the clock. I got a bit too comfortable and said something that made things awkward in the store which I didn't mean to, I'm just a naturally perverted but playful person who has no interest in other people's bodies. Got a visitor that I didn't expect at work today. Not sure what was going on. I was suppose to work an 11 hour shift but Meg and I got to get off early by two hours. Yay! Attended Bean's birthday party afterwards and the people who were there were old childhood friends or at least acquaintances but I just felt so out of the group. Maybe because I'm not as involved with them anymore, partly because some of them have changed to ways that I didn't know before.  Not sure why but after work I've just been feeling kind of dejected. Maybe it's from all the Thai music videos, lack of communication, or confusion.

Trust.

Had a dream that was just terribly wrong. First off, I saw him and kimchi, second off, they were star gazing, third, they were on my front lawn making out. No, no, no! It made me so upset that I marched right on out after my sister and mom told me to remain calm and be civil, and dug my nails into the side of her face and just clawed it. Then they sat there in shock or horror and I walked away with so much anger. I was sobbing uncontrollably and a small pang in my chest but nothing compared to the past. Then I was in a classroom setting and I had this guy who kept hitting on me and somewhere down the dream, he ended up marrying this girl even though he had stated he wanted to be with me so badly. Apparently he said the same thing to the girl next to me. It reminded me so much of this music video. Not sure why it popped up in my dream all of a sudden? How very odd. Turned in my application to JCCC today and it practically took the whole day. Chilled for a bit before taking my online quizzes. I'll study the test for English, government, and Japanese tomorrow. I was a bit disappointed when he said he wasn't worried about others hitting on me or getting stolen away and then I realized it's because he trusts me and in the end it made me pretty happy to see how much faith he has in me. ^^

Limited synapses.

When I try to recall memories or facts about the past on command, just sitting here trying to remember, nothing comes? Why? Yet when I'm out and about and someone mentions something vague or I see something, something just clicks in my mind and a certain memory will come rushing back. Weird, huh? In 5 years, would they still come back or will they completely vanish? Did I really forget them or did I suppress them to such an extent that it's locked far way in the back that can only be triggered by pieces of the past? The brain is truly an exceptional construction of neurons.

Puzzles.

Sometimes you just get that empty, distance feelings. You wonder if the connection's dying, if it's just slipping away. You try to keep your cool, you try to keep holding, you just keep holding onto hope. I don't wanna make the same mistakes. I don't wanna push him away, I wanna let him know how much he means to me without suffocating him. Just wanting the best for us, don't wanna hurt him, don't wanna stress or make him shed tears. I wanna be his realest homie, his home girl who he can lean on and turn to at the end of the day with a smile.

I had a really important, reflective dream the other night but I can't quiet put my finger on it. It had two vital male roles and I was sandwiched in the middle. Put on full make up coverage and it didn't feel sticky like how it does with my other make up. Not sure why this is the only product that works for me? There's a Japanese reunion at Sensei's house next month for those who went on the trip to Japan and obviously the brat's going to be there. Been pondering about confrontation and just simply being civil. I always choose the route of being civil but I always have this question in the back of my mind. Maybe I just seek closure, maybe I just seek a chance to justify myself, or maybe I'm just hurt by what I thought was friendship. Oh boy, there will always be questions on why what happened, happened but you can only keep moving forward and accept that people come and go. You can only treasure those with us today. Mama wants me to go back to Vietnam this lunar new year but I really don't want to. I should wait until I'm at least 21 years of age or until my eyes have stayed the same degree for three years. Going back now would only mean missed classes and result in a lower chance of a 5 on my exams for college credit. She nagged about our how grandparents are getting older and how sick they are which I understand but going back and getting into heated tension and spending time where I don't want to be with only make everything awkward and tense. I have no friends and I cannot stand my cousins and aunts, or just Vietnamese people in general. I'm not going to get raped or be stupid and bring boys over. I've travel to a foreign country millions of miles away alone before and I didn't die or get raped. I can handle myself.

More and more.

Overslept and woke up at 7:40 today. Still made it to class 5 minutes before the bell. Can I get a booyah? Slacked off in ceramics today and just chatted and snacked. Retook my quiz in College Algebra and rocked it. Yeyeye! Haven't had all that much stuff in my classes but there's a lot of testing. Gotta go in tomorrow morning and get an application for a grant. Not sure how it'll play out since I still have to take a compass test. Thought of how it got started in the beginning and just kind of pondered what changed and what happened. Been thinking of my mistakes and what I could've done better. Procrastinated all day. Yay.

Metamorphosis.

The other night I had an odd dream that I can't figure the meaning out behind it. First I was in Japan again and I wandered around the city streets and went into the malls. Then I got lost trying to go home. Then fast forward I was at Cobe's house, trying to help out by washing dishes but that made him, his mom, and grandfather angry for some reason? Then I was at Kyle's house and we chilled, afterwards I was hanging with Mikeo and Kyle came over and they were arguing on who gets to hang out with me. And then Cobe came out of an orange car and turned into this huge bug and started growling at everybody. I have no clue what kind of dream that was. There's no symbolism that I can dissect from it either. Been pondering about the 2014 Corolla and Camry. Corolla has better gas mileage, compact so parking will be easier(I suck at parking even with my Honda Accord) but apparently it's lighter and driving on the highway, the gust and tire noise can be bothersome. Camry has more leg room and truck space, it's sturdier in it's weight and has more interior accessories, it's also a bigger car so parking will be more difficult. So I've been debating, which is better and which has less issues? Sources state that both are deemed safe and reliable so that doesn't help much. The Camry seems to have a higher insurance rating but I'm not sure yet so I'll have to check with my insurance company later on in the future. I don't really need the extra space because even in my current car, I don't commute anyone really except for myself and maybe a friend or my younger siblings once in a blue moon. I get good gas mileage on it because it only takes $40 to fill up my tank from the bottom. I don't use my truck with my current car either so I'm not sure if the extra space is necessary. I don't plan to have kids nor have many in the next 10 years plus if I do I won't have more than one or two so a small car would still fit my needs. Sigh, I need to expand my knowledge on cars. 

One thing I've noticed is that I've somewhat withdrawn myself from males. I mean, yeah I'm still flirtatious to a certain degree and joke but I don't open up much. I think twice before I let the words slip because nowadays society judges with a naive mindset, and my words are too rancid and true for them to grasp. I really wish I could find someone to be best friends with, without thinking twice and having to fear that they'll judge my low moments and words I may not mean from impulse or the environment I grew up in. It's just so difficult be so naked with someone again. Opening your heart, secrets, and thoughts without them listening, seeing, and thinking with a bias way. It's difficult to please everyone, even yourself when you're not sure where you stand. 

It's catching up.

Gah. My lack of sleep is starting to catch up to me! I fell asleep around 1AM like yesterday but I woke up feeling extremely exhausted. Crammed in the morning for my history test in English but that got pushed back to Monday and I was like oh thank goodness! Ended up studying kanji the whole day only to find out that we're testing over vocabulary when I arrived in class. FML. I have a lot of homework and quizzes next week but I hardly have anytime because of work! Sigh. Next week the people from the center are going to be scheduled 70 hours. Wtf? I'm scared of how much hours I'm gonna have now. Ah shit.

Cookie greetings.

Wore a white summer dress with a loose beige cardigan and everything was nice except for that fact that my boobs kept popping out. Not sure if it was because of the dress or bra. I was paranoid the whole day because I didn't wanna appear as a "loose" girl nor did I want strangers seeing all that boobage. I dunno, I don't like anyone seeing any boobage. I gotta say, the most awkward moment is when I had to hand on those stools that swirl and can go up and down in ceramics because I had to get on it to lower it down. I think it's worse having your boobs hanging in front of a lady teacher than a male because usually the male teachers turn away automatically while the females are like..judging and will say something but I'm not the one to wear booty cut shorts or expose boobage in public. I was pulling up my dress the whole time and looking down lol. Wish I had some fabric skin tape so it wouldn't keep moving around and pop out. Was pretty tired this morning but surprisingly I didn't doze off in any class or get that sleepiness I usually do in one of my classes. A lot of students in AP English are kind of waiting and wondering where I am. They'll be like "Hey, where are you? Did you switch?" and sadly I must admit yes. I hate the summer homework but apparently AP English IV is easier than last year and less stressful and I'm like wtf. I'm falling asleep in CP from boredom and my brain is turning to mush from all this basic, boring busywork. My potential is really getting wasted here but meh. I ain't gonna switch to AP and complete the summer assignment in a couple of days. FORGET IT. I'm not staying up until 4AM again, especially when work be scheduling me 35-40 hours a week. Crazy Tim. I told him that's too much! I only want half of that! Took my first government test today and I gotta say, I feel like I did awesome! I knew almost all the questions except for one or two. My 'essay' might be a little choppy in certain places but I used concrete details from prior knowledge and made commentaries that supported my opinion aaaaand I finished before Kevin. Booyah. Sorry, I have this hidden competition with others which both sides don't really get along but we don't say anything. Plus, apparently he gossips with his mom because then his mom gossips with my mom and I'm like wtf? Why is he gossiping about me when first off, I stay on the low down in general and two, he doesn't associate with me sooooo? I never talk or ask about him but his mom loves to ask things about me and compare with her son. It's like no. I'm not sure what even happened? We use to play and be best friends as little kids, plus he would always call me big sister ahaha! But ever since he moved over to Brierwood(sp?) we just stopped playing with each other when we met at Asian parties and then he just stopped coming because he would be at friends' house(lucky ass) or he just didn't wanna come. Maybe he's afraid of associating with me because I don't fit the image he's going for? Whatever that may be or he's afraid I will get ahold of his secrets or something and I'll gossip to my mom which will relay to his mother and get him in trouble lolol.  

Hiding them goodies with the cardigan and lots of hair.

Aaaand, they pop out again. I swear, they're attention whores lawl.

Time forgives?

People say time heals all wounds, that is not entirely true and and not all wounds ever get fully healed.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm "point[ing] at a deer and call[ing] it a horse?" Or am I "cover[ing]..[my] ears while stealing a bell?" My heart may be "an old horse in the stables" but "it still yearns to run." I may have experienced pain, I may be cautious and cynical but I still wish to be treated as a princess, a gentle flower with thorns. There will be those who stand afar from the murky waters and thorns but I hope the scent and lush colors of my petals will draw them in and they might take a chance to go through the unknown waters and bear through the thorns. I guess in a way, I've realize that in order to be loved again, I must not only love myself but learn from my past then get the hell out of there. I can still hate, I can still seek revenge, but I can also love those around me. Don't settle for less, forgive, give them the benefit of the doubt, and love them unconditionally. Don't be played as a fool though. Know when enough is enough to stop, stand up, and walk away.

Surgery.

Fell asleep around midnight but I still need more sleep! Opted for a causal, purple theme outfit with a hint of edginess. Had a pep talk during English so we didn't do anything. Got more homework tonight. Felt pretty isolated during classes today. I dunno, I just feel like I stand alone in the vast building. No real close connections. Decided that I'm not going to go to Japan this summer or attend Regency for cosmology. Just gonna enroll into Nails school at JCCC and see if they'll accept me and go from there. Save the money for a new car and surgery. My mom's been nagging me to get surgery done in Vietnam. I personally think it's another way to push me to go back but eh. I researched the prices for LASIK and it's around $2,500 per eye and it can go up to $5,000 per eye in the US. I'm a bit uneasy but I'm doing my research and I won't undergo it so soon. Probably wait until after college since I'll need around 6 full months before I can be let loose and fly back to the states. Since I'm already there I wonder if I should opt for a nose job as well? Or maybe face trimmings or fat sculpting. Meh, I should be getting more hours than I should be since we're low on employees or so it seems since I have 35 hours. Apparently that's normal to others? Then again I have AP classes and a severe case of procrastination though. Had someone strike up a conversation with me and he complimented me on how cute I am and how I must be happy since I'm so cute? I wonder how many people creep on my photos yet never likes, comment, or try to communicate with me heh. Then he proceeded to say that my husband looks like one of the guys from Far East Movement and I'm like wait, wha? Haha, I'm laughing at how he could've thought I was married. Nobody wants to marry me!

Metamorphis. Anxiety attack.

Finally a new uniform.

Got called up around 9:30AM to see if I'd go to the temple but I had work soon so I was like nah. Rolled back to bed but didn't really go back to sleep. I had a dream though, one that I can't remember all of. It wasn't a happy one but it wasn't an especially sad or frustrating one. I was earnestly trying to get this guy's attention. He was standing over me and I was sitting down. I raised my arms up to try and put them around his neck. I tried feeding him this red, blue twizzler like candy too? And the rest I don't remember. Saw Hanna last week at the mall and waved. Didn't really talk since she was occupied. Wonder if she recognized me? Work was pretty mellow until happy hour hit. Tips were pretty good so no complaints for once heh. Finally wore my new uniform to work! Yeeeeey. Wish that we didn't have to wear hats though. Meh. Now I'm just procrastinating my history reading and sketchbook. Am I suppose to take notes on what I read? Not sure why but lately I'm been wanting a boyfriend but then I talk myself out of it haha. Maybe I fell and hit my head somewhere while I was working a week ago. Oh and last night at the festival I kept seeing people who looked like him. I was like what.the.poop. and I had to slap myself in the face and go for a closer look to convince myself that I'm going crazy. It wasn't the new him but the old, dorky, appearance that fell in love with me two years ago. Mmm, memories.

We've known each other for how long, Night night, which drops sad bitter salty tears fall.

We've known each other for how long, O night how long has it been dark, his heart frozen.

Last night I suddenly saw him in a dream, I sat quietly for a long time together.

Tonight I dream suddenly remembered about him in the winter winds.

Is knowing love, is where dreams begin.

[Chorus]:

Oh please this winter snows to make sure his child on the way.

This winter snowfall Oh please do let me know I need you.

And my time here so please stop place filled with the beloved.

A 1 crave your arms dream, I loved you, my people.

Last night I suddenly saw him in a dream, I sat quietly for a long time together.

Tonight I dream again suddenly remembered about him in the winter winds.

Is knowing love, is where dreams begin.

Oh please this winter please let it snow tonight and let my feelings be on its way.

This winter snowfall Oh please do let me know I need you.

And my time spent here so please let me flee from this place filled with the beloved.

As 1 crave your arms dreaming, I love you ................. Oh ........... my love.

Le Vu Lan.

Worked a 7 hour shift today. Tim seemed pretty angsty today for some reason? It was pretty busy day. I had a really odd dream. The whole family was out in this residence in the forest and it was all dark, like around 9PM and super windy. My dad was mowing the grass with those lawn mowers that you have to push around with and I was trimming the grass. The birds were really jittery and they kept flying out of this spot in the bush. Then all of a sudden it got all dark and the environment looked how it does in slenderman except instead of a man with no face approaching me it was this tiny little female figure, around 3 feet like a barbie doll with long hair tied in a pony tail. I ran into the house/cabin but it kept walking forward. Then we ended up in a hotel with a creamy beige walls with golden plasters and red carpet. and it keep walking towards me. I tried to keep it as far away as me and it kept walking at the same pace. It shaped shift into my little sister but I glanced behind me and I knew Andi was behind me in the room so that wasn't my sister in front of me. I decided to walk forward it and see why it wanted to harm me and it turns out it didn't. It wanted to communicate and seek a favor from me or something but it didn't want to harm me. I went through some kind of sauna and then I got turned into a doll and I played as a daddy role with this macho doll next to me. I was taking care of two baby dolls but they were all alive and moving, they just had that plastic doll appearance. Afterwards she thank me and said that after this we won't have a chance to speak or be like this anymore since there was a tiny antidote left to turn me back into regular human size. The antidote was this syrupy thing and the macho doll drizzled all of it over these loaves of bread and I had to eat them in order to return to my regular size and to my world. And note this, I was a guy in my dream too. How odd? Not sure what this dream could've represented because as soon as I ate the bread I woke up.

Michelle wanted to go out tonight but I had too much homework and on my way home my dad called me to inform that we're going to the temple tonight since it's mother's day. Grabbed myself some coffee and off we went to the temple. Ate bun bo hue and just chilled around. Saw Mimi and my mom talking and I'm like oh god, this is awkward so I just disappeared into the crowd. Spotted the guys working at the boba stand. Took a picture by the tree that all four of us took 2 years ago. Two years later, instead of the four, only two remain heh. Stayed back a little bit to watch the guys do their little dance to the army song then headed home. Bleh, well I'm pretty pooped and I still have homework. I'll finish it tomorrow. G'night world.

Day2.

Woke up the same time I did yesterday but I was too tired from work last night and not being able to sleep until 12:30AM that I didn't bother with any make up but my outfit was still cute as ever. Mr. Quinn basically went over orientation again and lulled me to sleep. Wish he would give a worksheet or something, anything! He rambles and rambles on about things that don't really pertain to anything. Finally got homework from like 4 of my classes but not enough to kill me. Work was steady. There were only two carhops since Stacy and I were on ice cream while Tony and John did headset. Need to head out and buy the 4B, 5B, and so on for drawing class. I really don't like it, not that I don't like drawing but that there are too many frills and requirements that I'm just like meh, I'd rather play with clay all day in ugly clothes. Oh, and I took a test in drawing too and it said that I'm left brain oriented? Got invited to a wedding again by a guy. So awkward because last time I went to one was with my ex and that's how the news of me spread around to the entire family linage and this time it's only as a friend but still odd and I don't know how to act. I tend to just eat, sit and look bored, and pretend to be on my phone and be occupied in these awkward situations. Time for beddy bye since I have work early in the morning and trying to sleep early since school and everything. Oyasumi minasan~^^

Picking up my siblings from school with my parasol.

Last first.

I was pretty reluctant in getting out of bed at 6:50AM. Ughh. Laid in bed until 7AM and then I rolled outta bed and got ready. Everything went pretty smooth and quickly except whenever I have to line my eyes. I'm like I gotta get it just right! Left the house around 7:30AM and when I arrived in E Parking lot, it was packed! I was like damn! It wasn't like this last year! Found my locker but I couldn't find the one in the 400 hallway since I didn't write the locker number down, silly me. Hung out with the little group and exchanged schedules until it was time for first period. First hour was packed and crowded, ugh. Now I know why teachers hate big classes. It gets too rowdy, hot, and you just don't get through as much material as usual. I think it's the largest class I've been in so far, 35 classmates not including me. Damn oh damn. I remember in elementary school when we'd have 18 students and the teachers would still complain that it's too big! Definitely transferring out of Drawing because it just takes too much time that I don't wanna invest in drawing and it seems too constricted with having to memorize vocabulary terms and measuring distance to take sure portions and things are just right. Bleh. Not only that but how many projects and artists that you have to learn about! Oh heo nah. I'm switching to ceramics, something I actually love because it's just hands on! Only down side, you can't wear pretty clothes to school because you will get dirty and dusty every day unless it's block day. I have 4th lunch, so different from my second lunch last year. I'm gonna starve! Sad face. I don't really have any close friends in any of my classes or lunch but I'm chill with that. I'm actually pretty excited for assignments to work on, to engage in discussions, and to actually learn! It's so weird, probably because I didn't do anything really in the summer so I'm craving for some brain usage. Actually placed some effort into my appearance for my last first day and I gotta say, I didn't look too shabby. When I got to school I left a little out of place though because I was so..done up if that makes sense? I think I looked quite pretty and feminine. Kind of wished the one who had pursued me, shunned me, would be able to see the bud that he stuck his nose at has blossomed into an alluring lotus.

After picking up my younger siblings in the rain, and getting ready for work.

Growing Up.

Just having a reflection back on the past. I remember the first day of freshman year and how Mr. Clark said that these four years will whizz by our eyes before we know it, we'll be walking across the stadium. These years have really gone by fast, some days slower than others but overall fast. Freshman year, I was so ecstatic and bubbly but as time passed I grew introvert and withdrew myself from society. I didn't hang out with anybody outside of school or after school. Just said home, online, and browsed the internet. Didn't text anyone or made plans. In the beginning of winter, Jason invited me to come hang out for no particular reason even though we weren't close and I decided why not? Hesitated to ask my mom but she gave me permission and he came to pick me up. That night at the bowling alley I met so many new people, I restored a friendship with Vincent, and started hitting it up with Alex again. When the night ended, I felt what others had felt. Joy, being part of something and socializing. Jason had come to the door to personally apologize to my mom for bringing me home so late - it was like 10PM on a weekend lol. I thought it was really sweet and so did my parents which was another reason why they let me go out again two weeks later. And from then on that was how I came out of my hermit crab shell. I got boys falling over me and trying to hook up but I had my eyes set on the one who introduced me to a social life heh. Another boy stepped in though and everything changed. Sophomore year was the year of wishes, hopes, and love. The beginning was as sweet as cotton candy and lollipops with kisses. Things began to become rocky towards the winter of January and February when fears began to fester and manifest. Spring and summer were smooth with occasional bumps but the excitement just wasn't there anymore but more of tolerance. Beginning of junior year was rocky with fights and fears, the middle - loneliness, betrayal,  learning how to cope and moving on. The end? Starting anew with life again and pushing myself out in the world again. Made new friends, forgot the ones who don't matter, and focuses on my future. Senior year, I hope it to be filled with wonderful memories, old and new friends, and learning more about the world and myself.

Oh which reminds me, my fashion style as the years progressed. Freshman year consisted of the ulzzang and gyaru look, shorts and graphic tees. Sophomore year - blank tees with shorts and skirts, a very natural and soft appearance. I made very odd faces in photographs though heh. Junior year - short tousled hair with accents of blonde that had a refreshed, untamed look. In the beginning I was very chillax with my appearance. One might say a bit sloppy at times.  Started putting an effort into my appearance again with different styled outfits and accessories, especially earrings. Lost a lot of weight but tried harder to socialize and fit in. Became more studious as well. Tried different unnatural colors in my hair such as red, purple, and so on. Worked crazy hour to support my spending habits too hehe. Looking back, I've made foolish decisions, taken rash actions, but in the end it helped shape who I am now. I may not be perfect but I'm not a bad person either and I'm content.

Wandering dream.

Another odd dream last night. School had started once again and I had difficulty finding my new locker that someone had been kind enough to give me. I finally managed to find it and apparently each locker was assigned a name and mine was like the gauntly h-something something. It was such an odd name. It was so big and spacious that it came with a pillow bed/beanie bed and two to three fleece blankets! I could even crawl in it and lay down and sleep. It was awesome if we really had lockers like that. I attended first period but then afterwards I tried to go to my locker again but I got lost and I just kept getting lost. Somehow I went across a class that was outside in a barn and they were teaching about the horrible chemicals in today's food, they were a culinary class too. Then I walked into what seemed like the guy's locker room and it was all steamy and mist, by this time I had missed like 3 periods of class since I was lost and I was still looking for my locker instead of just going to my class - which I wasn't even sure what class I needed to be in. Then I ended up outside, it was really hot and sunny and the environment seemed really dry and dessert like in the pyramids and a Sphinx cat walked across me. I called after it, telling it to wait for me and that I was lost. I was sobbing by that time. I just wanted to be found. It appeared to be beckoning me to follow it but it kept disappearing and I was going like through under pyramids and then somehow I had to skip rocks to see the wet footprints of a fish since it was an invisible fish. I don't know. It was a really frustrating and saddening dream. Then I ended up in AP Bio class and that my uncle was the teacher? I was really upset because the only reason I had taken the class was to have Haas plus my uncle doesn't know anything about the subject. I was thinking to myself, this can't be right because he can't teach the class, there;s a language barrier and even if he gives me an A since I'm his niece I want to actually learn and take something from the class.

I was so excited for my deposit since I've been broke this whole week, living off of my tips only to be disappointed. Sigh, I shouldn't be so down though, I mean I've been absent from work for a while and I still made around $250 in 8 days - even though I used most of it. My deposits are gonna be so dwindled and tiny once school starts. Nooooo! I want my fat paychecks of ~$500 again.

Talked about the past and love with a friend of mine a few days ago and I gotta hand it to him, we really are similar in the ways of coping and love. Love, it's a breeze that tickles our face and teases our hair in the spring, it's an ebbing pain in the chest that never goes away, it's the flashbacks of memories, growing ups, and I promises that makes us smile through the tears.

A step back.

Last night, I had a dream. I'm not sure why it was what it was. It was a very sexual one but it was also a very emotional one. Like after the sexual parts and stuff, I had saw him with Kimchi in public and I had promised myself that if I had the chance I would confront her. So I walked up to her and pulled her by the wrist aside and confronted her on the lies and her petty, victim image. She made up some stupid response but at the end we ended up in this house with a set of female twins around the age of 3 months. I was hurt, shocked, and jealous. Somehow she tried to escape me with both girls in their car seat carriers and I snatched one of the carriers and went off. I wanted her to feel the loss of a child, and partly to replace the void of mine. I didn't feel the love and connection I had for mine for the child in the carrier, because well the child wasn't mine. My feelings towards it was as blunt as my feelings for a lamp. It came from someone I really love and someone I despised, both who caused me great pain and betrayed me. Not sure why I dreamt of this? Probably because the topic about Ami and Dudley seeing him at the movies sparked something. Sigh.

Surprise, surprise. Aunt Flo came to visit this morning. Ugh. I was gonna go shopping for clothes and cream cheese but Cobe came over so I tried to watch Xuan Yuan but the video kept freezing so I gave up. Chillax'd for a while until it was time to head to work. Was stuck on ice cream tonight even though I really wanted to carhop to make some tips for shopping. Normally I wouldn't care because I'd be making a constant salary but I really need the tips this week! Oh muh gawsh my lower back is killing me. Another reason I hate it when Aunt Flo comes to visit, I feel worse then poo and I can never figure out if I need to poop or if I'm just having cramps in my lower abdominal! Now I know what it feels like when girls have stomach cramps because I only get back cramps and it makes me wanna crumble on the road and wallow in pain. Wish there would be someone to drum roll my lower back each night when I'm on my period. Eh, I'll have my hubby do it for me in the future and in exchange I'll make pastries since I have a sweet tooth when I'm on it. ( ^ ^ )

Oh, btw. I can't decide if I should go back to platinum blonde or keep the teal color?

You lose.

Woke up pretty late today, not sure why since I didn't go to sleep that late? Notice improvements in my skin after using the cloth facial mask with Centaphil. Went to start a new car insurance with daddy-o then went to the bank to convert my change tip to bills and guess what? I had $732.08 in quarters, nickels, dimes, and pennies! Wowwzers. Came home and just chillax'd until the family left for Carthage around 6PM. Swung by Jacobe's place to "talk" but he kept running away and hiding in other rooms which irritated me because he was the one who wanted to talk face to face. He acted like nothing wrong and it was a planned hang out which totally was not the case. He won't directly tell me what's up. I don't understand how or what he could be stressed out with or be busy with. Over the internet he uses profanity when I get upset at his odd behavior but when I see him, he acts all normal and tries to compliment me? I don't get it. Don't push and pull, I'm not going to play this game.Went to pick up Megan to order our new uniform shirts. The girls wanted to hang out tonight but I already had plans so I had to decline. Afterwards I went to the movies with Austin but I was late to our agreed time! Oopsies. I felt pretty bad. "The way, way back" was pretty nice. I gotta say, I would dropped Trent's no good ass in a heartbeat after finding out he was banging Joan. Wonder how Kip felt? Afterwards we grabbed dinner at Ihop. I did not drive my best then since I was trying to find it on my GSP but it was being dumb heh. I had the usual toast with hash browns, medium done eggs, and bacon. Tried the watermelon splash and it was alright. I still think my favorite is the blueberry one! 

Change.

You know what sucks? Change that you have no control over. He's slowly slipping away, his attention is diverted. I try and I confront him about it and he's like "what?". It's just total obliviousness. We exchange one or two text messages a day, we can't hold a conversation on facebook nor do we webcam. Where'd that part of the day where we placed aside at night to webcam and converse and catch up? When you think you've found someone worthy, someone different, someone who true - it just slips through your hands like water. I guess I shouldn't be surprised for what's coming soon.

Worked with BJ for the first time this morning and I gotta say, he's not a very awesome person to work with. It was slow throughout breakfast but we started getting rushes around 12ish but we really got slammed at 1:30PM all the way until 4:02PM. We didn't even get a break in between to restock or anything. We didn't have a real system anywhere because everybody just jumped in to fill any position that was vacant so there wasn't a steady flow of production. Chris smelled of weed today at work, he doesn't seem like that type of guy but that smell..it definitely was weed. I don't get it? Came home, pigged out, and chilled around. Watched a couple of Xuan Yuan episodes which were a real tear jerker. Chat with a few friends. Caught up with Britney. One of the people noticed this about me since they guessed that I was 18, which was real close since I tend to get a wide variety of somewhere around 14 - 22. I wonder, do my eyes really still retain a sense of innocence or does the sheen just cover it really well?

"There's still a bit of childish features in your appearance, while retaining a sense of maturity.
Your eyes have this sense of innocence in them, but the small bags under your eyes give them a definition of maturity since having them are related to stress or lack of sleep something older people tend to do. You do have normal sized eyes which tend to add more to the childish features related in anime and etc."

Falling in love.

When a girl falls in love, everything she experiences is puzzling and new. She's naive, pure, and honest. She falls for someone she thinks fits her perfectly but knows they can never truly be together - at least not forever. Dreaming of him, thinking of him at night in bed, and just wanting to be the perfect one for him. She gets restless, she glows, and she cries over silly matters that she thinks if her fault. She'll die for the one she loves without a second thought.
When a woman loves, she loves in secret. She harbors thoughts and emotions, careful not to get hurt. She is cynical, cautious, and tainted from the past's scars. She calculates the possibility of happiness and the consequences. She always wants to be with him, near him, and willing to kill anyone. When a girl falls in love she becomes the woman after heartbreak.

Worked 1PM - 6PM today. Bought loaves of bread early in the morning for breakfast. Tried the sausage toaster with egg whites. It really doesn't add much flavor or anything to it. Got invited by the girls to catch a movie, declined because I'm trying to save money and got invited by Alex to come over to party, declined because it was late. Been trolling this loser all day who texted me asking for a blowjob and to fuck. A turtle was in the middle of the street today on my way to work. I screeched to a stop and thought about getting out of my car to help the poor fellow to the other side but there was a car behind me so all I could do was serve and hope the car behind me doesn't hit the poor guy!

Double Shift.

Worked double shift. Brian is being a little dick as usual, hey don't be a creeper and expect to not be awkwarded out!

Colorado Trip

Michelle, Megan, Kayla, and I stayed in Estes Park of the time. On the first night, I spot 2 shooting stars and obviously I was too amazed to wish for anything. The night sky in the mountains were absolutely breath taking. You can't capture the image with a camera, only the naked eye and it is so beautiful compared to the night sky you see in the suburbs and cities. It's where true star gazers gaze. Hope I could see the Gemenid or Leonid shower sometime! On the second day, we hiked in the rain for 4 hours straight because we wanted to see how much was horse back riding and oh my god, we were all cold and soaked. Megan and I weren't very happy, not to mention we didn't want to get sick while on vacation. I finally learned how to play bullshit, Michael tried teaching me it while in Japan but his instructions did not make sense to me at all. Played strip bullshit and Michelle was the first one to loose, me second. Saw many hummingbirds and some even perched on my finger, an elk, deer, and a coyote. Hiked straight up Sheep's head on our last day and it was so difficult. Not that it was tiring - although yes it was tiring - but it was so steep that Kayla and I kept falling and slipping. Because of this trip we have all gotten closer to each other and find it awkward not sleeping together, hearing screams of "You touched my nipple!" ect. On our last day we arrived 3 minutes late from the 30 minute or hour cut off. Our flight takes off at 6:45AM and we got there at 6:18AM. They said the earliest flight they could get us on was on August 7th, which meant we had to sleep in the airport for 5 days! Oh hell no. What a bunch of bullshit. Therefore we had to rent a car and drive 14 hours to get home. Sigh. Stupid ass Denver airport.