Thinking back to the past.

I'm not sure why but ever since I've returned I find my mind lingering back to past memories that I had no recollection. Why are they returning at the slightest reminder? I had forgotten most of my Thai and Laos vocabulary from not using it but out of nowhere I start remembering the things I use to use around him such as "Sep hum" and "Ethu"; just random words I had picked up on. I remember when I use to call him fat girl because I thought it sounded cool haha. Oh the happy times. Why am I remember them now though? I tried to hate him, I tried to detest him by thinking back to the fights that took place and remember the harsh words, the cold actions, how much I had pleaded yet I don't feel hatred. I try to reassure myself by replaying the memory of his cold words, his hostile glares, and the distance between us that night yet..I still find myself coming back to the happy days. For some reason at the shrine I had prayed for his well being and I found something at the stalls that reminded me of the past, one of the many inside symbols of our past. It really suited him but I don't dare give it to him because he'd probably just trash it. Sometimes I find myself wanting to reach out and ask how he's doing, say hello and be civilized but that would only hurt in the end. Heck, why would he even bother interacting with me if I reached out? Sigh, I'm going crazy. Maybe it's her presence that's making me think back to him. I don't know. I just find myself thinking back and wondering how he's doing. Stupid huh?
I'm sure you're doing well, perfectly happy with life as it is, maybe even happier than ever. I don't wish you harm but it would be a lie if I said that I'm happy as long as you're happy. I don't want to be enemies, I don't want to hurt or harm. Is it better that we become strangers as we fade from each others' lives and memories? Is it better for you? Maybe you're doing me a favor, maybe we're both doing each other a favor. Our actions don't anger one another and we're both free in a way. I just don't know. She said that I'm patient with you, not harboring negative emotions, still silently waiting. It's times like this that I really do wish and hope adults are right.

I guess I should just focus on myself. Focus on self improvement, explore new skills/talents, and worry about my second job at the Vietnamese restaurant. Finished my scarf, it's over 5'4". So proud of myself, my decision about it is still unclear. Had a debate about love with my parents and uncle. It was surprisingly enjoyable and wasn't just them lecturing. Mama said that it's stupid to fall too deep in the mist of love, uncle deemed that I was too young to venture in the field of love and that my studies are the top priority, surprisingly my dad sympathized with my perspective. Love is still very unclear to me but I feel as though I've gotten a slight grasp, a better understanding of it but not enough. It's not the sappy, sweetness of affection nor is it the bitter, resentment of pain but rather lessons drawn from previous experiences.

Here's some more random photos from the trip, stolen from others hehe.
1. At the shrine, I'm the second far left.
2. After the action plan performance.
3. In Iwanuma, painting strawberries.

 I couldn't decide hehe.