I use to cry, I use to think about him nonstop, I use to think and do a lot of things but not anymore. We both made mistakes in the relationship, what does one expect? We were both learning, loving each other as we grew. I question myself daily, about my actions towards him during the relationship and my actions afterwards. There was so much anger towards him, towards a lot of people. Did I do the right thing? Should I have just kept him away but still keep the child? I don't harbor any ill emotions towards his family, heck I love em but wouldn't they look at me negatively if I had? It would be wrong to keep them from being in their grandchild's life, that is if they wanted to be there but then..wouldn't he have to be involved as well or somehow? I didn't want to suffer through all the stares, gossip, and sacrifices only to have him receive parental rights in the end if he wasn't there in the beginning. Ami wanted me to demand child support if I kept the baby but then that would mean I'd either have to put down his name on the birth certificate or I would have to make him take a DNA test to establish his paternity which would give him parential rights. He could demand custody or visitation rights which is something I wasn't too keen on if he wasn't going to be there through thick and thin, not pop in whenever was convenient for him. I didn't want him to have the chance to be absent throughout the whole pregnancy then suddenly pop outta nowhere and be super daddy when he wants to be. I didn't want him to be of influence upon the child. I didn't want my baby, my child to bond and prefer him over me. Yes, I would most likely have custody of the child but after the child grows up it's up to who he/she prefers. In a way yes, I was being selfish and not thinking what was best for my child because he/she deserves a father figure. It doesn't have to be exactly him but who else would step up to the plate? My dad, he's not much of a figure and doesn't even play with his own children. I didn't want my baby exposed to his anger. I wanted someone who was motivated, someone who could support the his own offspring if he were to be called a daddy. So many complications and concerns that I feared and that was only half of it. Oh how the whole Vietnamese community would gossip, not to mention family back in Vietnam. You can't hide that shit for long.
I don't see males in the same light I use to. I don't know, I just don't trust them to be there in dire times. They don't have that attraction to them. My eyes don't sparkle, my heart doesn't rapidly beat, my stomach doesn't do flip flops like I once did. Men have lost their luster in my eyes. Heck, even if a guy were want to get serious I don't know if I'd be capable of feeling love towards another guy for a while.
I'm past the stage of mourning but still, whenever I think back to that dream of my little baby girl, being a silly little poop, falling asleep on the stairs. Dressed in a white long sleeve shirt and in pink, fleece pants; your messy head of hair with specks of brown from the sunlight, I recall it all so clear. Holding you in my arms, fast asleep my little angel. I always expected you to be a boy, I don't know why? I always had that feeling but you came to me in the form of a girl. To Ami, you came in the form of a boy. So weird eh? But you're my baby girl. Mine. Mommy isn't much of a crybaby anymore but she still shed tears when she thinks of you. Did you know that you would've been a May baby, possibly June like your father? Would you have looked more like mommy? Or would you have that glare your father had when he was a child? Either way, you would've been a wonderful, beautiful child. He may deny your existence, he may call me a liar, he may hate us both but I'll forever love you, my precious darling. A group of my friends who decided to keep go through with their pregnancy, even without the father in the picture, all have beautiful babies. One of my friend(K) wants to throw a get together for the kids to play together. Makes me kind of envious. Odd huh? I would've been so up for that even though you wouldn't have been able to play with any of the other toddlers. I was foolish and gave up you but I promise if I ever get the chance again, I won't make the same mistake but I do not plan to have another for a long time so don't worry baby. <3
