You'll see the stars of our past. I'll be engulfed in the midnight blanket as I recount each star which represents the memories we once had. Tonight's the perfect to revisit what we use to enjoy together.
Held an all nighter. Went outside around 6:40AM to greet the sunrise but it never came so I ended up just freezing my ass off. Finished up some camera whoring before heading inside around 7:40AM. Afterwards I finished up uploading all the photos from Japan and by then a majority had woken up so I went for a walk. Tommy called me up to get some sushi but I had to decline. Went shopping at OP Mall with Uncle Khoi, who still wants to meet Corey which puts me in a difficult situation because I've said before that we didn't work out. He wanted to invite him out for coffee tonight - eeehh. There are times when I'll rewatch the video I made for our one year anniversary and I'll find myself smiling throughout the whole 4:55. Seeing him laugh, seeing his face - there's a longing to reach out and cup his face in my hands. It feels right, it feels completed whenever I did that but if I were to see him now face to face, I can't even meet his hostile gaze. We had some really wonderful memories but reality is so different now. Other times I can't even listen to certain songs because it'll remind me of him such as "Creating Love" and "Love you more". I don't know why there's so much hatred towards me, so much negativity. I must've put a lot of pain upon his heart huh? There has to be a reason for all this resentment, is it from my past actions? Because I didn't convey my affection clearly, because I wasn't what I was in the beginning? Or is it from his remorse, his guilt and regret? A lot of pain was inflicted upon my heart too. He was my first everything besides kiss. First real boyfriend, first person to give me butterflies which makes me want to run away and hide but at the same time rush up to him. A relationship without a bond is mere acquaintance, marriage without love is just a piece of paper signed by the government. A kiss is just a kiss, a hug is just a hug, a touch is just skin brushing against each other until there is love. I'm glad to hear that he's doing well, I mean, that's how I should feel right? I was quiet surprised to hear he was learning how to play the guitar considering that I was already learning before I left to Japan. Honestly, I had taken up lessons because I wanted to play a special song for him but that reason doesn't matter anymore. I'm still continuing with my guitar lessons. I know she was just trying to comfort me with her words but I know how it is. They're an item. Yes, it's odd and I really did want to be a part of the family considering that I've already formed a connection and gotten everybody's relation and names down. Now, I don't want to exclusively see or date anyone because I just want to focus on myself and education.
Anyways while in Japan, I had fallen ill and got sent to the hospital. Experienced my first earthquake, even though it was considered pretty small to the Japanese! I went to the public bathhouses every night because I couldn't stand showering in my bathroom unless it was in the Keio Plaza Hotel. There were times when I would hear about him from others, and it gave me a knot in my stomach as I try to ignore and block it out of my head. He seemed like a dream I couldn't quite grasp, so far away and so distant. His words began to become muddle in the memories and his image whited out. I got pretty close with almost everybody but there was a period when I was irritated with everyone at the same time and not because I was on the cycle because I wasn't. Packed a full suitcase of snacks and half of my duffel bag with snacks and the other half with clothes. Whenever we're out in town, I'm always the one doing the talking with natives. Wonder why it's always me? Guess I just have more balls and don't mind getting weird stares or messing up hehe. On my last night in a foreign nation, I conversed with a group of Japanese men and they invited me to go drink Sake with them. Should've said yes! Ah they were so cute and I don't think they would've placed a roofie in my drink plus it wouldn't matter too much even if they did right? Gave a couple of guys my email while in Japan so we could keep in touch. Can't wait to go come back to Japan in a few years, if not a reunion with the other Kizuna participants if I don't take part of the foreign exchange student program in college.
I tend to do this pose a lot eh?
