We were happy but things happened. We began to fight more often as I became stressed, trying to juggle advance classes with work and maintain a relationship. I was in love but didn't show it lately because of all the pressure from everything which made me cranky and grumpy. I hated whenever we weren't together because I'd always feel alone and isolated. Fast forward - the night of homecoming. We had spent the day together at the Japan festival and I decided to go back to his house for him to change since he spilled a soft drink on his pants and it was cold outside. He ended up playing and watching League of Legends for two hours while I sat on the side doing nothing. I had something else in mind for that night but he got caught in the game. I grew upset of course from the lack of attention and change of plans. We fought and his parents saw. I felt terrible. I ended up ignoring him for a week - big mistake. That move tore us apart even more. We tried to work things out but once again I grew upset whenever he was too busy for me. He had enough of it all, "living this cycle of pain" hurts him too much and too often. He ignored my phone calls and text messages, and I was a walking zombie.
I found out I was going to become a mom. What was I to do? Would he even believe me or take it as a stunt to get us back together? I decided to keep quiet about it for a while. On my birthday I asked to meet but he didn't show up so I decided to not tell him even though I wasn't sure on what to do next. If I was going to keep it, I didn't want him to be a part of my child's life if he wasn't going to be a part of mine. I didn't want to go through the separate visitation and custody battles. I didn't want to go through the chance of him rejecting my child once again. I didn't want my child to grow up wondering why his father doesn't love his mother, why they're not together, and to have another woman in my baby's life. I didn't want him to have the right to claim my baby or anything. I wanted to cut him out of our lives if it came to that, wouldn't have even demanded child support. And then there was another side to this situation. How would I raise it, my parents' reaction to this all, his parents' if they knew? Everything I would have to give up, everything I worked for. My family certainly couldn't raise another child and his wouldn't be able to either. I decided to get an abortion. I went to a clinic and got the abortion. In two weeks I had to come back for a follow-up. I did it all without anyone knowing. I paid for it all with my own money that I had saved up from working. Even in the end of it all, I never told anyone or him. I only told a friend who is far away how I might be pregnant, but I never told them the truth because I didn't want them to know. I attended school, completed my assignments, and worked my average 25 hours a week without anybody noticing anything different.
I still cry, I still feel guilt, I still wonder at times if I made the right choice. It would've been 4 months by now. When he brings up the topic of the baby, I get a mixture of emotions. Anger, resentment, and confusion. Why he would bring it up out of nowhere, why he was claiming it when he did not in the past, and why he feels sadden when he never saw me as a women who was carrying his child. I'm utterly bemused at his emotions and thoughts toward this topic. I don't know him feelings towards me now although it does feel as though he's avoiding me whenever I try to be friends or anything more. We're gradually becoming strangers as each day passes as though it's no big deal. Each time I try to strike up a conversation, it lasts for two or three replies and then it's dead. Whenever I hang out with him, it's always on my part to tell him I'm going to hang out with him rather than asking because he'll be whatever with it, he appears distracted each time. Occasionally looking at his phone and hardly speaking a word to me, as though being with me drags him down. I'm the one who is trying to keep this relation from disappearing. I'm the one who is still trying, sometimes I wonder if it's all in vain. He says that nothing will come out of it. He says that we're friends yet we're more distant than strangers. Others don't know my side of the story. They're suppose to be my friends yet they believe that he was doing everything, that I was just a difficult girlfriend. If they don't know anything yet they're already bias to the other side. My friends became his and I'm left childless and loveless. It'll all get better in time, right? If I can another chance to be a mother, I will take that chance no matter what happened. And to the people, especially the teenage girls who are so uptight against abortions. Shut your god damn mouths. They say that's it wrong and should never happen, and honestly it should never have to happen but it's life and bad things happen where it's forced to happen so shut up. Unless they've been in those shoes, just the trap and sit down. People talk about adoption but they have to think about those 9 months of pregnancy, the circumstances, and the bond formed within' that time. I'm not the sweet, innocent, fragile girl everybody sees. I'm a woman who hides her pain and carries the happiness of a girl on the outside. This is my hidden truth, this is my confession.
