This isn't going to be my last post about the past, this isn't going to be the last time you cross my mind because I know I can't promise that. I'll try to keep it nondramatic and less offending as much as I can. I've been pondering and finding myself again. Rediscovering who I really am and reviewing everything that has happened these past two years. You may dislike my personality, you may hate me, it's alright. I'm okay with that. I don't hate you. I don't dislike you. It wasn't your fault. I should've known better. Our time was running out as our red string began to wear and tear as it disappeared from our eyes. I should've known, you couldn't keep us together no matter how much you promised. We just ran out of time, time to reconnect our strings, our fate ran short. We had the fate to be together but we just weren't meant to be.
You taught me a lot about life and love. You were my first, you were my child's father. You gave me the high school love I always wanted but it also came with the heartache as well. I got to experience love's kisses and hugs because without love it's just a kiss and a hug. You thought I never accepted you, that I always used you. I admit in the beginning I did use you, I didn't like you, but I was honest about it all. You didn't care, you accepted it all because you wanted a chance to prove your worth. In the end I fell head over heels for you but I was also spoiled, spoiled to the extent that my actions hurt you. I'm sorry for those times I was rash and made you shed tears. I spilled tears in the beginning too, but in the darkness. As time progressed I spilled too many in front of you that I became a cry baby in your eyes that always desired your attention and affection. Did you ever find the love letter I left in your room many moons ago? It probably got lost and trashed. It's better off that way. You never got to take on the role of a father, did you ever want to take on that role? I was too scared in the beginning to tell you, afraid of rejection so I ask you now if you wanted to become a daddy. Do you ever wonder of the moments you could've had with your child? Did you ever wonder how your child would've sound as it cried? Ever wonder how it would've been to carry your child in your arms?
I've accepted reality. We're going our separate ways as I move on step by step. Memories still pop up on occasion but the sadness that comes with it isn't over you. It's over what I once had. Half way sleeping in your arms as we rode back from Carthage, sneaking around late at night, and being able to love a friend so dearly. There are times when I miss those times where I don't have someone to learn with, connect with, or travel with. I really wanted to take you home to where I lived my earliest days, to go duck paddling, and go ride elephants or camels with. I can still do all of those, but it just doesn't feel right without you but I'll live. It doesn't help when others post things about you and other people as I hide those all because I know looking through it all would only hurt me more. I really did love and I can't bring myself to hate you as you hate me. I won't try to forget you because that's like trying to forget a part of myself. I understand being friends might be difficult for you since we didn't end on happy terms and you don't want emotions to resurface. I understand it all. I hope you live well, I hope your parents stay healthy, Hailey will be as happy as always, and for Lucy and Trey to be the energetic little doggies I'll remember.
