I think I hurt his feelings when I told him the truth, although I did withhold some information but it doesn't matter. It's better off this way with less mess. Everything I say is just a repeat and he won't register it as anything. Everything I say just gets rebuttal and my heartache and explanations go in vain.
I'm trying to check out, to make everything easier. So I won't get misunderstood by him anymore, so I won't get worked up by some of his actions, and he won't be annoyed by my reactions.
My wanting him to get an education, to give him more of a chance to have a better future - for us to have a better future together. He doesn't see it. He sees it as me being controlling, that I shouldn't focus on him since he knows what he's going to do. He just wants to have a high paying job, even if he hates it but with no education. He's such a smart person but unmotivated with academics. What am I to do but look the other way while biting my tongue?
I want more affection, more attention. He wants more wifeness from me. I don't see how I can accomplish that when I don't feel love. I already have a hard time giving love, how would I work on being more wife material? When I'm crying alone with no comfort from him, when I get scold by him for bringing up issues that he doesn't have any control over. I haven't been feeling loved for a while. I don't even remember the last time he's held me lovingly or looked into my eyes with tenderness. It feels so cold when I reach out for love. When it's break time and he's either talking to outsiders or on his phone, I feel so far away from him. I can reach out but it won't be met with a smile, instead he'll either brush my hand away so he can focus on his game or pull back while giving me a dumbfounded look.
So I'm trying to let go. Let him have his space, let him do his activities and make his decisions. They may bother me but I keep quiet, seeming uninterested and unaffected. The long nights I am up, racking my brain and crying my eyes out. He states that he doesn't want to be the one to give in and apologize but what is there to apologize for? I just want to be loved and love. I want to be accepted. I don't know what I should apologize for. Being sensitive, for crying too much? For being concerned about his future? For wanting to hold and kiss him? I don't know.
Last Friday, I guess he took a hint that I was unsettled because that was the one time he tried to be affectionate and hug me goodbye but I was already trying to check out. I didn't want to melt and revert back to square one because if I did he would do one act of love and weeks will pass again before anything else happens if I don't go crazy. It would be another cycle and I would spend more time hurt and confused. If I brought it up he would ask what I was talking about and bring up random occasions of act of affection like Friday or say that what I give is not real affection, that it's weird.
It hurts a lot being misunderstood and trying to let go at the same time.
