Sick of being here. Always having to play translator yet always getting dissed that I do not know the language. I don't think I'll be returning any time soon, possibly two years or more. I know it's true because I keep my word about returning. Last time I said it may be 6 years till the next time I return and I kept my promise. Now, it'll be at least 2 years later.
Then I have another one that is never fully happy or content. That I leave him abandoned which I don't. I will admit that I am jealous that my family treats him better than his treated me while on vacation. Then again, nothing in his control and I don't spite him but the situation I'm in.
It's funny how everything I fear is lumped into him. I never wanted to be with a black guy because of skin color and fear of not fitting in with Asian society nor did I ever want to be with a Vietnamese guy because I loathe having to be apart of a Vietnamese household and all the traditions and stipulations. I would have to tip toe around everything and constantly be fearful of my behavior and word choices. Now I have all of that combined.
I can't be my happy cheerful self without being worried that I'm offending someone. I'm seen as slow and dumb because my way of showing politeness is different compared to others. I have to constantly suck up and be belittled. All this while still having to play translator kind of sucks.
I'd like to be complimented once in a while or just somehow get a sense of affirmation but it seems like that's not possible. I'm just an extra piece to assist.
Like cranberry sauce during thanksgiving.
Nobody sympathizes or tries to see it from my point of view. That I just have to swallow and take up my duties while buying my tongue because I am a "Vietnamese" girl. I must have face and grace and what not. What if I don't want to? What if I want express my feelings straight forward and get a mutual understanding ground? It's so sickening having to play this puppet game while another knows nothing of it or doesn't understand with you. I try to make them
see it from your point of view but I'm just
seen as selfish and unsympathetic yet no one's sympathetic to me rather it is my duty or automatically expected if I love him.
It's so unfair.
