Although I am very excited for my upcoming return, I can't help but feel a bit down. Maybe it's pressure/stress from finals but it's an uncomfortable emotion in my chest. Perhaps I am channeling and misunderstanding my feelings and vibes. I know I am bothered, sad, and angry.
Maybe it is because I desire more affection, more attention during the break period from him. The reason why we attend together is for the comfort of each other's company, isn't it? But I don't feel it. I think if I had attended alone, I would have been better off. I would've succeeded in math because I wouldn't have any distractions and be more focused and motivated. I would have made friends instead of sticking to one person. It might have been better off being alone.
It makes me think that way with other things as well. This whole family issue hurts. I try to integrate, be friendly and all only to be brushed off. It makes me want to do the same back, it makes me not even want to try. Greeting, smiling, all these pointless questions hurt me but you don't take it into account. You just get irritated at my lack of desire to be present. Why would I want to be there when I feel unwanted? Asking about the baby, showing concerns, and complimenting gets met with awkwardness. How else would you expect me to feel? How else would I cope except by sitting alone on my phone to hide my awkward hurt feelings. You would think someone would have better observation after taking interpersonal communications.
Asking your cousins about school, your aunt about herself and holiday plans, your mom about her vacation - all of it is met with a shut down. Hearing about your cousin's car issue of needing a catalytic converter, I found a coupon for it and kept it but that also got brushed off. I absolutely hate this. This feeling of unrequited attention, of sincerity. I am tired, I am hurt.
I desire love, the feeling of belonging. I want a mother in law that appreciates me. I want another mother figure that I can hug, compliment, and loving towards. I want to belong to a loving family that my spouse loves as well. Even if you say you don't love them, there is a sense of duty and belonging to them. I am left out in the cold.
You never seem to understand my difficulty when I explain. You make it seem as though I am oversensitive and there's nothing you could do or say to ease my emotions. It is frustrating to the point that I don't bother - instead I hide away and cry. It makes me rethink if you truly are the one I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with. Someone that leaves me to wallow in my frustration and sorrow. At times, I don't want to be with you anymore because of times like this.
